Friday, January 16, 2009

A different world...

Depression... I have written about this many times before. Each time, the writing seems to help me tremendously. Today, I have written and i have read and responded to mail so as to write more. But it has had little effect on me. Some days are just like that I guess. Or perhaps it is the different feelings I have stirring and tossing around inside of my head. Thoughts of being less than I should be. Feeling as though I should have been someone. Someone that people would recognize and remember for the rest of their lives. Life goes on every day, just like the saying goes. But I do not think that life and living are the same thing. Just because everything around us moves forward in time and activity does not mean that our minds follow along.
All to often, we are wrapped up in so many things that we can not sort out one single issue and fix it. And so we go on, feeling lost and dis-connected from the rest of the world. The world of depression is a frightening place. It can leave you so far down that it is hard to even concentrate on the simplest things like eating or starting a project.Certainly the Lows are a part of bipolar but I also do not believe that everyone that is depressed is Bipolar.There are things that come with being Bipolar that you do not normally see in a depressive person.
So how do i determine in myself which is happening with me. The depression is a feeling of uncertainty and sadness. It is an emotional state that is more constant though maybe a bit easier to deal with for me. The stable pace of being down allows me to know that it is depression. There is no up and down nor is there a roller coaster to ride on. The stable feeling of being down remains the same.
There is the feeling of sorrow for things i have done that to others seem not so bad. There is the feeling that I have neglected friends and thoughts of those i let slip away. The longing to sit and just write my thoughts is so strong. How does one transfer his thoughts in a way as to allow the reader to know what he is feeling? That is something I pride myself in and yet today, I seem unable to find that place. The place where you look into my mind and my heart and see the sadness that I carry today. The feelings that I have little worth and that those around me struggle to try and understand me. They sit, not knowing whether to hug me or to leave me alone. Depression takes me to places I need not be and I often wander through my days in a state of total confusion and the inability to make the smallest of decisions. To feel as if I would as soon sit and stare as do anything today.
Depression can be helped for many. If you feel as if you are depressed, if you think you are suffering from lows that don't go away, I urge you to seek professional help. Many times, medications or therapy can be very helpful in your journey to find peace inside. Talking, writing, walking with a loved one or alone can sometimes bring you to a place that you can face the issues that have brought you down.
Today, this is my world. A world without any direction or reality that has left so many things undone. Tomorrow perhaps a better world for me. the only way I will know is to stick around and see. My world is one that you may be familiar with. But for me, it is where I live... Always, Darrel


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