Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Things I know about "Change" and its effects...

Change. Such a simple word it seems and yet... Not simple at all. When I first became "manic" I was a change freak. I moved my furniture around sometimes every night and never did it stay the same for more than a week. I think i was manic long before I realized it. My brother, who is blind, lived with me for a time when we were younger. I feel bad today and think back and wonder why he didn't beat the S*** out of me. I would change the furniture around at 2 or 3 in the morning, while he slept. He would get up and by remembrance, sit where the "chair" was when he went to bed. I would hear a THUMP. That sound was expanded by the "colorful Metaphors" that will remain unwritten here. The change was something I had to have. Sometimes for a release of pent up energy and other times just because it was needed inside of me.
As the "manic" evolved into what it is today inside of me, the Bipolar of course, things changed totally for me. No longer did I move the furniture around in the middle of the night. It became just the opposite. If something was moved from where I placed it, Unless it was placed there by me, I freaked. I could walk into my house and tell you immediately if something had been moved. I would put it back where it went and then i could go on with my day. To add something to the walls, the floor, any place, and it sends me into a confused state of not sure what to do and how to deal with it. Change has become my enemy and even to sleep in a different bed or place takes time for me to adjust to the surroundings. I have to process it and make it ok in my head.
I have changes coming up in my life soon that I fear where they will put me. Totally different and life will change for me drastically. The comfort of everyday will change for a time. If I should wake and realize that there are in fact changes surrounding me, my day will be mixed with uncertainty and trying to place things in places of my mind I can deal with, even for the day. Adjustments come slow to me but they do come. Change is a frightening thing as it takes the "safe zone" out of whack for me. Anxieties will run high and lows will bounce around me like a pinball machine.
Those that deal with someone that is Bipolar daily or weekly i am sure have seen these very issues that I am talking about. You have seen the movements and the apprehensions in them. You have experienced their frustrations, not only at the changes, but at themselves. How angry we get and how stupid we feel because of HOW we Do react to changes. It is embarrassing and leaves us very exposed and vulnerable. Think about their reactions to change and I think you will understand what I am saying. This is a very real part of being Bipolar and it exists every single day in our lives.
Changes... a simple word? Not in any way. Always, Darrel

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