Wednesday, January 21, 2009

When Life Changes...again

The tears did little more for me than soak my face and cause my sinuses to run. As I said before, I could remember little tell-tale signs that issues were present long before Sheila had come into my life. My brother and I each having M&M's, he finishing his first. He asked for some of mine and I said No. I looked into his face and saw the sadness and I wanted to do nothing at that time except give him my entire bag and find a way to make myself feel as horrible as I could. To feel the pain that he surely must have felt when I said No. I was 6 then. Feeling peoples sadness became a stronger emotion than feeling my own. It became increasingly hard to determine which were theirs and which were mine. Life for me went on this way and continues too.
Sheila was the strongest, most beautiful lady a man could ever be graced to have been loved by. My past, as does all of ours, dictated to me what I would be as an adult. That past left me very "free" with love and giving of myself.Only the grace of teachings from my parents of God and what was simply right and wrong saved me many times from what could have been a bad child. their love and guidance kept me at least semi balanced. When she came to me, I didn't know what the word "faithful" meant. I thought every love was forever and every woman meant it when she said I love you. Sheila taught me what real, unconditional love was. Her illness I believe just made our love deeper and stronger. But the years of watching her suffer so and yet smile, watching her go from deaths bed to home again time and time again took it's toll on me.
Did these things cause me to be Bipolar? Certainly not, but they allowed doors to be opened that were best left shut. Years of feeling so many peoples hearts, thinking I could handle anything, had not prepared me for seeing the Love of my life laying in a hospital bed, unsure even of who she was or where she was at times. Seeing doctors cut on her because they could not find a place to draw blood or place an I.V. anymore was more pain than I knew could exist. Holding her hand while they cut and packed a skin infection caused by meds that she needed to stay alive tore a little deeper into me each time. She was the innocent and I wanted so badly to make her pain my own. Even if just for a while.
My mind still slipped farther into a dark place that left me in stages of so sad i wanted to die and so happy my body shook. Loving life and laughing to hating all that I was and wishing to not "be" any longer was becoming a way of life for me. Finding myself standing in the middle of a store, not having a clue as too what I was supposed to do, so I stayed... standing, watching the people pass me, hoping they didn't stop to speak to me. Needing to find an out again, some way to release some of the spinning that went on in my head all day long. Even my sleep suffered now. I found I needed as much as wanted less and less sleep all the time.Again, a huge life change for me. I wanted to run and wanted to be at Sheila's side all at the same time. I would sit and write for hours on end. The writing seemed to be a good thing for me.
For 20 years we lived this life. We made it work for us and ours was to those looking in, the most perfect life. Our daughters were well liked in school. We were known through out our community and church. Respected and admired, no one could see what went on inside of me. Even I only knew a small portion of it at times. I swore that I was always prepared for anything that might happen to Sheila. 14 times I had been called in to be told by doctors she would not live through the night. 14 times,they were wrong and I KNEW they would be.She was like nothing doctors had ever seen and they had only statistics to go by. I had a lifetime of My Sheila and watching her walk through fire and come out stronger and more beautiful. We lived our lives as if we had forever. But always, something inside of me plagued me. It drew me away and took me down dark roads time and time again. Family was the only stability I knew. Decisions were almost impossible now and people made me so very nervous. I cried at the drop of a hat and couldn't even tell anyone why. Hell, I didn't even know why. How could i tell anyone else. And still, My Sheila needed me to be strong. But I knew inside that It was not me that was her strength. She was Mine! How was I going to ever survive without this precious gift? Life was changing so fast inside of me. I was no longer the Me I had known forever. And Sheila was getting sicker... I will write more tomorrow. I don't know why i am writing this. I only know that there is someone out there that may need to read this. They may need to know that they are not so different nor alone. Perhaps I should simply stop.........................

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