Friday, August 20, 2010

Writing... is it always safe???????????

Thoughts chase me down this morning. Something different from the norm for me. I am usually the one that is chasing them, trying to hold on to just one single thought, even if only for a moment. I am sure it is because of the recent offer I was given by my publisher. One of those "want to, should I, Do I dare, scared and excited" moments for me. I have been asked to write my "memoirs" for them. Hmmmmm????
 Don't get me wrong. I am excited and feel honored to have been asked. And of course, I am going to do so. Contract is already signed. Quickly, I might add because I know me and did not want to give myself too much time to talk myself out of doing this. But with all the excitement comes the fear. I have led an extremely full life. I have seen things and done things that not everyone in the world has the opportunity and often blessing to do so. I have penned and been published twice. I have cut and produced and sold a CD of my own songs. I have known love and happiness, loss and sorrow, guilt and guiltless actions. I have been from the brightest of life's blessings to the darkest places a man or woman could ever NOT want to go.
 So why the fear? I promise there are no buried bodies in my backyard. Well, at least to the best of my knowledge and certainly none that were put there by me. So what do I have to fear in writing about what I think will be a very interesting read by anyone that chooses to pick the book up? I have spent what seems to be a lifetime of living trying to keep thoughts buried back in the far reaches of my mind. People I hurt and things I did that I was not always proud to know I had done them. There are things in my life that few have ever been told about. Secrets that I wrote about in abstract ways so that if someone I knew, close friends or relatives read about them, they might pass them off as just writing.
 I have told, behind closed doors, things to my Therapist, that only she knows. There are moments and issues and happenings in my life that the only one who knew of them is now in heaven. A wonderfully full and happy childhood, filled with travels and adventures that walk side by side with those of any explorer you might read about. Frightening things that most would have ran from and yet... I lived them. And of course, there is always the bipolar and tourrettes and whatever else you want to toss in the hat. Reasons why I am the man I am today. Escapes from life and realities and the places that I have been in my life that were and still are impossible to hide from, try as I might.
 So here I am, back to the beginning, getting ready to write about all of the things that I have worked so very hard to keep hidden or buried so that I did NOT have to face them. I wonder... will this take me down memory lane, bringing warm and fuzzy feelings to my soul?  Am I opening Pandora's box? Will the words I write come back to haunt me or bring back to the surface thoughts and pain and fear that I have so dutifully kept locked behind doors that are hidden behind other doors? This, may in fact be the most "self-created" roller-coaster ride of my entire life. Writing is normally extremely therapeutic for me. In fact, very much so. I wonder if THIS time... I will feel the same way.  

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Depression touches more than just me...

Sitting here thinking this morning, a different sort of thought crossed my mind. I was thinking about how Low I feel and I jumped into the "bipolar" moment. Not unusual for me, but this time, my mind went a way it doesn't go too often. I realized that not ALL Low moments have to be because one is bipolar. I thought about life in general. So many things have changed for me in the past few years. Some of them very good and some of them, well, the jury is still out on a few things. Life as a whole can be enough to send one into a depression. There are bills to pay and work to be done. Projects to start and issues to settle. Now the "projects to finish"  will leave to the bipolar in me. Anyone that is bipolar or loves someone that is knows all to well that there are 30 "started" projects that can be found all over the house and yard and garage ad where-ever else that person may have been.
 But the pressures of life are not indigenous to only bipolar people. Wow, what a reality check, huh? Probably not for a lot of you. But for me this morning, it was. After doing bills and watching the checkbook quickly go from full to nearly empty, my spirits sunk lower and lower with each check filled out. I wondered what I even tried for. Why not just blow it all on some foolishness and let the world settled the debts? Happens every day of the year, at least 100,000 times. And trust me, for one that walks in the realm of being bipolar as deeply as I do, it would not be are hard as one thinks. I can thank my parents for giving that extra boost in teaching me responsibility and the knowledge that it is probably the only reason I do not do just that. I sit and shake my head as I finish with bills. 
 Don't get me wrong. I am thankful every day that I DO have the money to pay my bills. In today's world, so many people are not as fortunate as I am and I Do know this. But still, I felt the tinge of a massive Low coming on and that is when I had the thought I had. The world is tough today and for many these days, it is about survival, not living. Not getting a head but keeping your head above water. A shame, that in a country and world filled with riches, that life can still kick our butts in such a harsh way. But again, it effects everyone, no matter what your mind set may be. Yes, these things, for most of the world pass and they move on. For me, the bipolar in me will roll in this for a while and then plummet me into places that most of the world would not ever care to go. I will shake my head a few more times, try to reach out at a thought or two that is not so dark... and think some more.
 My point though is that low moments are not mine exclusively. They belong to most of the people in the world, at least from time to time. Nothing new to some but for me, this morning... New.  


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