Thoughts...

Today is not unlike most other days for me. It started early, though not as early as most. I did the unheard of and slept in a little. Sometimes that only seems to bring on the morning "bipolars" it seems. As I said, it isn't really much unlike any other morning. But there was a little carry over from last night for me today. I fell asleep thinking about life and my daughters. I wondered if they were happy. I wondered if they felt like life was good to them or if they wished things were different. As I thought of this, emotions, as per normal took me over. I began to think of them as if they might not be totally happy with life as it is. I wondered how much my actions in their lives had effected this. Being empathic sometimes has side effects of it's own. To feel someones sadness is not for sure a great gift. Not always. And then you take Bipolar and toss it into the mix and you have got a recipe for disaster.
Today, I think back to my life and theirs. Certainly actions I took effected them and I wonder if they have caused them to look at life or perhaps approach life differently, more cautiously. Hurting their mother by leaving because I had lost touch with what was real had to have effected them. Leaving but never really going must have left them confused as to what was supposed to be and what was. Watching their father slowly drift into a new world, a different place and even yes, a different man must have left them wondering a lot. I lived in a made up world and yet the people were very real. The things I did that effected them, the decisions I made not only changed me for ever, they changed their lives forever also. Their cautiousness in approaching a relationship is part of it.
Not all of it was bad. I see strengths in them that perhaps were always there but were brought to the surface by things I did. This morning... I feel it all. Easily brought to emotions, sadness, thinking I have upset someone when maybe I didn't. fear that whatever I do today will have an adverse effect on those I love. So long this Low has carried on and I have tried to rise above it and yet, it seems to have me in it's grip tight.
Signs of the depression hanging on are so evident. Things that perhaps others of you or a loved one are going through and wonder what it is. Abstract thoughts. A passion of mine is fishing. Maybe even an obsession. I love it and spend so much time at the lake. But not this year. I have fished less than a half dozen times and it is way into June. The desire to get out and go are few and far. Gardening. Another Passion of mine. Having to force myself out to weed or just to smile at the plants as they grow and produce. Singing, writing... all the things I love, sitting idle as I try my best to get past this low. A low that I fear is slowly winning.
And so, I worry. I worry and cause anxieties to rise and wonder when it will all settle in to what ever is normal for me. Hearts I have hurt never did anything to me to be hurt. Losses that can not be measured nor forgotten. Not forgetting of course meaning they resurface and resurface over and over again. Sitting quietly in the dark, wondering how some are and trying to make some sense of the losses I have felt, most caused by my own hand. Wondering deep inside, if anyone really knows the hurt and pain I live with daily. How losing touch with someone is the same to me as losing touch with life. It leaves me strangely confused and tired inside.
I really do wonder what peoples lives would have been like, could have been if I had never existed...