Thursday, January 8, 2009

Just some thoughts...

I sit here tonight, heart uncertain where it wishes to be. I watched a show tonight they made my mind wander. Elvis Presley was featured tonight and an avid fan of the King, of course I watched it. As I watched and listened to those that loved him so, their words were of pure love. Even when they spoke of his short comings, their words were softened and filled with love. His daughter Lisa spoke of her father as the man she knew and remembered. The love was so pure and so complete. Some songs brought tears to my eyes as they touched me personally inside.
My daughter Shannon sat and watched the show with me. I sat and listened to her talk about Elvis. She was raised knowing who he was and hearing his songs and his story through her mother and I. She spoke of the great man he was and how sad it was how he lived and died. He had changed in his years of life and living. He had gained so much weight and he had become so sad and alone. How very sad. But even she spoke of the great man he was and all he had done in his life.
Suddenly it hit me inside like a sledge-hammer. I thought about my life and the life that my daughters had witnessed as they grew up. I began to remember the things we did when they were children. I remembered the times I would close my eyes tight and try to find my two little girls. They would run through the living room and dining room, giggling, yet trying so hard for me not to find them. A sort of "Marco Polo" outside of a pool. I remember being on my knees, crawling around and trying to grab them as they raced by me. The time I dove out to grab one of them, forgetting about the solid Oak door jams, until my head found one solidly. Ouchhhhh! hearing them laugh so hard and doing my best not to show the pain that was now pounding in my head. Laughing so hard and them reaching out and grabbing them both and pulling them down to me and hugging them. I thought about the fishing trips we took so often. There were trips to the Black Hills in South Dakota, camping trips and Sesame Street Live and Concerts we went too. Trips to Omaha to the Henry Dorley Zoo and Minnesota, to the Mall of American.
Then I found myself thinking about the time that things... life, began to change for me. Break-downs, depression and me leaving for a little while. I think about the bipolar setting in deeply and our little family suddenly tossed into a whirl wind of me losing grip on life. The pain I brought to them by my own weaknesses. Those same girls now watching their father cry. Seeing me go through so many times of not coping. Life in every way changed forever for them. Hating myself now and back then for hurting them by not being able to hold myself together. The knowing that I had been responsible for hurting their mother. So many thoughts tore through my heart as I remembered, and I suddenly wondered what would they remember of me. Will they sit and talk about me when I go to heaven in the way that Lisa and Priscilla spoke of Elvis? Will they remember the Zoo and the trips to Mount Rushmore and talk of me in a soft understanding voice. Will their words speak in tones of love and respect and of kindness?
I sit here tonight, tears in my eyes, remembering the befores and the things I have accomplished in this lifetime. Being a good father to them. Always teaching them to share their kindness with others. The deep true love and compassion I had for and with their mother. A two time published author and writing and recording songs for a CD. A strong man that worked his butt off every day and was faithful to his job, but still had time to be a father and show them love. Will they remember the man that woke each day and got 2 little babies dressed, making certain they would see their mommy at the hospital every day, then went to work till midnight, stopped in to see his wife in the hospital again and came home to start the day over again? That same man that kept their meds and everything needed to know about them in his head, tucked up there with 15 meds and the dosages and a medical history as long as ones arm about their mother so no matter when or where , he could make sure she had the very best of medical attention... or will they remember the man that later on had trouble even making a simple decision about buying a cake or ordering a meal?
Will they remember the good things or will they close their eyes at night and remember the weak man that lost his way in life and caused their hearts to hurt because of his ways? Will they find compassion and speak softly and gentle about me or will they only see a man that fought to stay in this world daily and some days could not hardly make it through a day with out crying. Who will they remember? This will be my hearts thoughts as I fall to sleep tonight.Sighssssss... What Legacy will I leave for my daughters? Was I a great father to them? I know I have loved them the very best I could. The two most important people in my life. I wonder what they will remember?????????

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