Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Courage and Strength

Today I want to talk about what I know about Courage and Strength. I will link you to the story of a little. A little girl that has a disease known as microcephalic osteodysplastic Priordial Dwarfism. Also known as MOPD, this disease only effects 100 babies in the world and many don't live past 5 years old. Though my writing here today includes little Finn Davidge-Hesketh, from Canada, it was watching a show last night about her that brought tears to my eyes. Finn is a six year old baby that was born with this terrible disease. She endures pain and tests that would have even an adult struggling. Her smile, her courage and her strengths made me sit back for a moment and look at myself. She is still the size of a 6 month old baby. Just 25inches tall and yet she takes life on like a giant. My heart so went out to this little miracle and at the same time, made me look around and even in the mirror.
I look back on my life and think of All the blessings I have been given through out my life. So many that they are almost more than any man such as I ever deserved to have. And yet, here I am, sitting here in awe of how strong this little girl is.She doesn't slow down for anything, nor for any-one. I think of my Sheila as I watch this tiny Angel, and of all the strength that Sheila showed and all the things she taught me about facing life, living life and not allowing anything to stop you from living life to the fullest. I wondered which one begat which. Did Having strength within give her the courage to never say enough? Was it the courage to face her diseases and pain that gave her strength? Which one of these elements happened to cause the other to occur?
As I watched baby Linn smile and struggle with her disease, I thought, my God, she is pure strength. Her desire to learn when her learning abilities were so limited screamed out to me. It said 'you can only be slowed down IF You yourself choose to slow down.' I think now, courage begets strength. My reasoning is this. As I watched Sheila suffer through some very unimaginable pain and fear, each thing that she faced up close and personal gave her the strength to go on. But... she could not have found that beautiful strength without having the courage to reach out and grab it and look closely at it. She had to look her pain and suffering right in the eye before she could harvest the strength that came with having courage to truly face things.
We, you and I have the same strengths inside to battle our daily Foes and to gain strength as win each battle, even if the same battle comes to us the very next day. As most of you know, I suffer from Bipolar2 and tourrets daily. I know my strength is in taking the disorders and facing them Up Close. but, unlike Finn and Sheila, I am afraid to reach out. I am scared of what might become of the me I know. I am frightened to see where the world might take me if I venture to far from the safety of my home. I watched this little girl on T.V. and I cried. I think I cried for her because she is so strong and such an Angel and I think I cried for me... because I am Not. But through her and through Sheila, I have learned that Courage must come first to allow strength for the next battle. I know now that until I have the courage to look my issues in the eye and stand up and say "I am not afraid", that though I can not gain full control, I Will not forge forward and beat the things that take me to such dark places.
Strange that through the eyes of a little ting girl, her smile and her courage, i would see my own weakness. Please do go and read about this little girl. See in her face and her smile the strength, the courage that is all of ours, if we will only reach out and grab it. Courage... begats Strength. Always, Darrel

Friday, September 25, 2009

Because I am... Answer to that gets old question.

Why are you Bipolar? Ahhhh, a question that WILL be followed by another and another question. If you have ever told someone, friend, family or foe that you are Bipolar, then you have heard these questions. What caused it? Were you taken advantage of as a child? Were you abused by someone physically or mentally? Why don't you just move on? It was so long ago. And then there is the "I had a friend that had that and he/she got cured."
The questions come back around so often that we just stop telling people. There is no real answers and those that we can answer, well, we might prefer not too. I have spent forever trying to explain something that even I don't always understand. The only real answer I can give someone is "Because I am." Life simply happens and we don't always have answers to questions we are asked. "They have pills for that." "REALLY???? Wowwwww... you Do know." And what about those of us that don't take the pills because they are like Poison to us? What about the ones that don't take them because of the "Side-effects?" Not that they are bad? No... There is just the cramps and headaches and the (Increased risk of suicide.} Yea, because we need help with THAT one.
I know I sound sarcastic here and I really do not mean to. I am really only trying to make a point. The things that people tell us, we are already aware of if we have been Bipolar longer than a year. Life for us is like nothing someone without this disorder can ever truly understand or imagine. We don't walk the same lines as others. We don't follow the same path as the rest of the world. We struggle just to start our day. We become lost and confused at the sight or thought of change. We have trouble being somewhere with someone too long. We don't have happy days or sad days. We have euphoric days, so high we would take on all the dragons of the world and conquer them all. Well, we think that. We have Lows that take us to the darkest places you could ever imagine and some that you couldn't.
We love and live with a passion and would give all we had to anyone that asked. We also live in a world that leaves us confused and dis-connected from the world around us. And we live in a world that tells us that everyone in the world could be friends and everyone in the world needs to be saved. And we try to save them all.
Why am I bipolar? What caused it? Why do I live in a world that was built on the largest most curvy roller-coaster that ever existed? Why do I start things and not finish them? Why do I "jerk" from time to time? Why do people make me so anxietic? Why can't I "get over it?"
I am bipolar because I am. That's my answer to all that wondered. Because, I am.

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