Saturday, May 16, 2009

Bipolar: Understood or Pacified?

It seems to me that there is a huge difference between truly trying to understand a person who is Bipolar and simply Pacifying them. It is hard to understand a bipolar persons inward thoughts or their acts as they go through their daily walk. Sometimes it is hard even for those of us that suffer through it. But the question remains... Are we understood or do those dearest to us simply choose not to open to much of a door to our inner thoughts for fear that it may be more than they care to follow along with. Repetitive mentions of where we go and how are minds work is there because we do not see the understanding many times.
There are times when "life" is happening for me and perhaps happening too fast and it sets me on a tail-spin in the wrong direction. Asking for a breather from it all often results in a confrontation. Something I simply do my best to avoid. I want so badly for my loved ones to see me when I am stumbling. I want them to try and understand that there truly is Nothing I can do about the tumbles I take into dark places few would ever wan to go. Something as simple as moving a picture or changing where a table is setting is all too often enough to take me downward.
In talking about these things, sometimes when I Do try and explain why I am reacting to a certain scenario, the results are the creating of another issue or another discussion that my already racing mind can not handle. I try to explain and am met with "yea, I understand!" Those words are very often "pacifying" words meant only to say "let's move on" or "get over it." I don't want to be pacified. I don't want you to agree with me simply to move on to the next activity of the day. Can they see our hands shaking? Can they hear the stress in our voices? Is it hard to detect the impact a certain conversation is having on us? I know we are "high maintenance... I know we are not easy to live with. I also know that when I freak out because someone dear touched me or suggested we do something, without warning, I can not help nor stop what I do or how I react. Oh God, how I wish i could do it or make it different. I Can Not!
As a man that suffers from not only Bipolar disorder but also Tourret airdrome, I know that there are things I will do and simply try to avoid crowded places. those of us that suffer in this way want to simply hide and cry our hearts out. We want to get away from whatever it is that is sending us into a mind frenzy. Too often, the loved one causing the racing doesn't see what is happening until it is physically manifesting itself. The "tics" and the squirming and the out-bursts {though they may be loud or soft} are dead give-aways that we are experiencing difficulties with the conversation at hand. We try as hard as we can to get through it but often times, Our hearts are crying and it moves to the outside. Now we are fully exposed and the issues go on and on.
Rather than say to us that you understand and then go on about your business, ask us what is on our minds. Take the time to try and really listen and hear the sorrows and guilt's and sadness and disconnections that we live with every single day of our lives. Sometimes we are a "push" away from doing something bad that we will not be able to go back and fix later. Don't just smile or glare at us when we are talking. If we ARE talking to you, then you have earned our trust and that is Monumental. To pacify us is to ignore and say to us "I don't want talk about this." Our minds process things and at times, it can take a long time do so. So please, don't nod or agree or roll your eyes at me. Do not say yes if you mean no. It will only serve to take us further away from you.
Does any of this make sense? It truly does make sense to me, and it truly is my heart. Thank you for reading this and if you are a loved one of someone suffering, please remember that they do their best. they love you and trust you and that says more than I could ever convey here to you.

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