Monday, October 6, 2008

Where do the years go???

In only a couple of months I will be 50 years "young." I am not worried nor does that number bother me. I feel graced to be alive and take each day as a gift. I look at the pictures that surround me here today. Baby pictures and grown up pictures. My daughters both grown and living their lives. Sheila in heaven watching us each day. No matter what happened in life, good, bad or indifferent, life went on. Sometimes it continued when I decided to not.
I listen to Karen Carpenter singing to me. She sings of "yesterday once more." The oldies but the goodies. I wonder when it was that the songs I listened to as I grew up became "oldies." Forevers shot to hell by the loss of someone beautiful and real.Trying so desperately to find a new place in the world. The world has kept turning and the Sun came up and went down whether I watched it or not. How many beautiful sunrises and sunsets escaped my eyes and memories? Stolen because I allowed the to be.
Have you ever suddenly realized that the world is still turning but you seem to be in a suspended animation of sorts? You want s badly to reach out and grab hold of the spinning world. You don't or haven't for so long you aren't sure you can hold on. It is a high price to pay when you realize what you have passed up for way too long.The years have not been bad to me ever. I don't feel 50 and certainly {at the dismay of some of my family}I do not act it. I love living{mostly} and to laugh and smile and be the reason that others around me Smile.
And Love... a beautiful thing that I experienced in the most precious way for so many years. Now, discovering that Love DOES still exist in my world. It is not unattainable nor un-allowed.It is there for the taking if I would reach out and embrace it. Something beautiful and as forever as my life allows it to be.A feeling that is like no other in this world. As beautiful as a sunrise and as gentle as a sunset.No reason to miss another such beauty when it i as simple as sitting and watching it happen.
The years... I don't know for sure where they all went to. Some to growing up and learning everything the world offered to me for the learning. Some years given to serving my country, falling in love with my sweetheart for 24 years. Jobs and hospitals and 2 daughters to raise filled in many years for me. None of those escaped me and I do embrace the memory of each moment. Walks around lakes and in the forest, a forest filled with colors now of the season. Orange an lime green colors mix on a single leaf. Red wanting to be orange yet holding on to it's own color for as long as it can. Leaves falling to the ground like tiny Magic Carpets, falling slowly, the wind catching them for a moment and whisping them upward for a moment before allowing them to fall to the ground. A breeze catching the leaves already fallen, scooping them off the ground in a tiny tornado and tossing them through the air.
Well spent years of love and smiles and happiness. Songs that although they are called oldies, they are fresh and new in my soul. They ring in my ear and I smile. They don't escape my eyes nor will tonight's sunset. Today is a Good day in the diary of a bipolar who lets far too many beautiful things slip past him. Where did the years go????? They have been stored in my mind, to be retrieved when I need a warm feeling or a good cry to cleanse my heart. Do not let them get away from you.Don't let the world turn without you holding on and enjoying the ride. There is beauty to be found if you just take a moment to see and absorb it. Those years can keep rolling along. I am blessed to be here to see them pass...

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