Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My world and writing

I wish i knew what to write here tonight. I don't know exactly where I should start. Writing for me is the same as someone else taking a Prozac or wellebutrin. It is a therapy that is matched by very little else, if anything, in this world. It has taken me from Low to high and probably saved my life a few times. It is my aphrodisiac and my problem solver. It is also the place I go when something is so over whelming, I don't have any other avenue to release the incredible sorrows or smiles that sometimes take me away from "Life." Weeks that are filled with fears and thoughts and losses and being lost are often made into a story so that I can finish in a story what I could not finish in life.
Welcome once again to the world of Bipolar. A place so abstract and yet so straight forward that you know what to expect but you never know how it is coming or what side it will hit you from. A mix of wild emotions and frightening thoughts. A world where one is certain the world hates him/her, but you feel you Must save the world anyways. Ahh, yes, and did I mention that you are sure you CAN save the world? A place where anything is possible and nothing is finished. Somewhere that reality and fiction meld into one so perfectly that it is often hard to determine which is which. A whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that spin so fast that it actually causes your own body to shake and spin. That is where I am today.
I have battled abscesses in my teeth for 2 weeks now. The pain at times so bad that I was sure passing out for a long time would surely be a better place to be. Meds that helped but leave me feeling disconnected... and Lord knows I am there most of the time without the help from Medication. I am on Coumadine, a blood thinner because i have had 3 Pulmonary Embolisms, two that almost took me from this world. I have taken it for 12 years now. In order to have my teeth worked on, I have had to go off of it for 6 days. My protime going from a safe 3.1 to a very unsafe 1.2 in a matter of 5 days has left me scared and praying that no clots come along right now. Tomorrow, the teeth will be taken care of and back on the Coumadine I will go. My mind races to hope it is all good and safe and that the terrible pain will be gone when this is over.
Life... life delivering things that keep my mind also turning and spinning. Someone so very dear to my heart has not been heard from in over a week. IS she safe? IS she being watched over? Has this become the way that she and I will cease speaking to one another after 7 years of sharing everything we could with one another, though we never met face to face?!? Another fear, another change that my mind must somehow try and process without allowing it to dominate my thoughts and my heart. Where will this all finish? Where will i be when the next few days are over?
Friends that i have lost connection with that have been so deep in my heart and my soul and I wonder if we will ever touch hearts again. Life changing for me so fast that I am not sure I will keep up.
Does this all sound a bit "crazy" to you? Well, for me, it is simply life. This is the little world I live in and as insane as it may seem at times, it is the sanest place I could be. Writing... ahhhhhhhhhh. A place to go when I need to breathe. A world to absorb my everyday and somewhere to hide when i just don't want the world to see me as I am. This is where I live and this is where I will stay. Come and see me if you wish, but don't stay to long because that also causes anxiety for me. What a world huh??? I guess we will see tomorrow. Always, Darrel

MySavings Media

Dollar General - Savings Zone Gevalia