Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saturday Mornings Blahs????

Saturday morning. A day when most humans try their best to stay in bed just a little longer than the Monday through Friday up at 5 a.m. drill. For most, this is a good thing. Then you have those of us that are dedicated insomniacs. Now try as I might, I have not ever been able to talk my body into making a change on the weekend for me. I have been equally unsuccessful in training it to sleep in on Saturday mornings. It is 5a.m. or earlier when this body wakes and refuses to allow me to close my eyes again.
A snooze button for me is a worthless addition to the alarm clock, though the alarm itself is almost as useless when one is already up before it goes off. My personal favorite is 4:38 a.m. That one robs you of 21 minutes of sleep while assuring that you do NOT have enough time to jump up,race down 17 steps without breaking your neck, pee, run back up 17 stairs and slide into bed before the music you have set to Blare as loudly as it can, goes off. But through it all, though my days all seem to run together, I am alright Monday through Friday with it all. People are up and milling about, stopping to say hello to you as you sit with your Social sites open. There is the exchange of what will you do today and geez it is sooo freaking cold here this morning. Coffee and 9 cigarettes to get you rolling and away you go. they go off to work and you settle into your little corner to do some serious writing.
But Saturday...that is like waking up in another Solar System. More I think like a scene out of "the last man on earth" movies. You open your "Social" sites and well, they are silent. You re-open them a time or two because there MUST be something wrong and no one is seeing you. You make sure you have clicked off the "invisible" modes and then... Yep, then you glance at the Calendar. Uh huh, it's Saturday. Now it all makes sense to you.Now you know that the Earth has not stop turning and that all communication lines have not been severed by some unseen enemy. It's just Saturday. The day your body chooses most often to wake at 3:38 instead. A full hour ahead of the normal. You don't even have to run down the stairs to go to the bathroom. You can walk down, stop and look at your fish in the aquarium, walk back up, counting the steps and sit down, knowing all the while that you did not miss any incoming IM's.
When i read this back, I am sure I will smile as I think you will while reading it. But on the sad side, the reality side, I do not laugh inside. I have too much time to think on Saturdays to laugh this early. Time to think about why I sit here right now and write this blog. Too much time to remember that the sleeplessness and the bipolar and the manic moments are all part of the reason I sit here and type. Time to reflect on things gone by, thoughts unsettled and tears uncried. Moments free to think of all I have done wrong in my life, what I have not yet achieved, what I will probably not ever finish and to cry silently at those I miss with all my heart and wonder whom I have hurt in some way. Hurt that has not been told to me yet, but my mind is convinced they will soon.
Saturday... just another day. The beginning of the weekend for most, unless they started Friday night. But for me, it is a day of starting out slow. A time for finding anxieties early in the morning, before most peoples day has even begun. And maybe, just maybe, it is a little lonely. Do I have other places to be, people to see and outdoorsy things to do? Yes! can I do them in -11 degrees and darkness? Probably not. So here is to all you "got to sleep in on Saturday" people. Enjoy and sleep in as late as you can. All is well here. I have your back. ;) smilesssss Always, I am ... Just Darrel

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