Friday, January 16, 2009

A different world...

Depression... I have written about this many times before. Each time, the writing seems to help me tremendously. Today, I have written and i have read and responded to mail so as to write more. But it has had little effect on me. Some days are just like that I guess. Or perhaps it is the different feelings I have stirring and tossing around inside of my head. Thoughts of being less than I should be. Feeling as though I should have been someone. Someone that people would recognize and remember for the rest of their lives. Life goes on every day, just like the saying goes. But I do not think that life and living are the same thing. Just because everything around us moves forward in time and activity does not mean that our minds follow along.
All to often, we are wrapped up in so many things that we can not sort out one single issue and fix it. And so we go on, feeling lost and dis-connected from the rest of the world. The world of depression is a frightening place. It can leave you so far down that it is hard to even concentrate on the simplest things like eating or starting a project.Certainly the Lows are a part of bipolar but I also do not believe that everyone that is depressed is Bipolar.There are things that come with being Bipolar that you do not normally see in a depressive person.
So how do i determine in myself which is happening with me. The depression is a feeling of uncertainty and sadness. It is an emotional state that is more constant though maybe a bit easier to deal with for me. The stable pace of being down allows me to know that it is depression. There is no up and down nor is there a roller coaster to ride on. The stable feeling of being down remains the same.
There is the feeling of sorrow for things i have done that to others seem not so bad. There is the feeling that I have neglected friends and thoughts of those i let slip away. The longing to sit and just write my thoughts is so strong. How does one transfer his thoughts in a way as to allow the reader to know what he is feeling? That is something I pride myself in and yet today, I seem unable to find that place. The place where you look into my mind and my heart and see the sadness that I carry today. The feelings that I have little worth and that those around me struggle to try and understand me. They sit, not knowing whether to hug me or to leave me alone. Depression takes me to places I need not be and I often wander through my days in a state of total confusion and the inability to make the smallest of decisions. To feel as if I would as soon sit and stare as do anything today.
Depression can be helped for many. If you feel as if you are depressed, if you think you are suffering from lows that don't go away, I urge you to seek professional help. Many times, medications or therapy can be very helpful in your journey to find peace inside. Talking, writing, walking with a loved one or alone can sometimes bring you to a place that you can face the issues that have brought you down.
Today, this is my world. A world without any direction or reality that has left so many things undone. Tomorrow perhaps a better world for me. the only way I will know is to stick around and see. My world is one that you may be familiar with. But for me, it is where I live... Always, Darrel

In search of Intelligent Life

Often, while reading the newspaper or watching the news, I wonder where the intelligent life is here on earth. Scholars proclaiming the End Is Near, as near as 2012. People losing their homes and all they possess in a land rich with the proverbial "milk and Honey." Governments falling into ruin and countries and companies needing "bailouts" because they over spent. We, a people of some of most knowledgeable humans on the planet, unable to "balance" a countries checkbook. America's deficit is a number I am not even sure how to say. There are 303+ million people living in the United States. United States — Population: 303,824,640 (July 2008 est.) There has been over 10 Billion dollars paid out in Lottery wins just in the United States.
A man accused of killing 3 people was released from prison because he had been a "nice" prisoner that found reformity in prison. He served 15 of a 35 year sentence. So thankful for his release and so well reformed, he rushed out and within 36 hours had murdered a mother and her infant son for 86.00. A woman, found guilty of killing her newborn, 5 years later was graced with a new baby girl. This one, her boyfriend killed while she sat on the phone, talking to her girlfriend. The child's cries for help went unanswered. The mother was trying to get ex-boyfriend to come party with them.
I sit and listen to these stories and think to myself... "Why do I write fiction Novels? I could just write about the daily happenings in the world." Few things I can conjure up in my head are going to be worse, more suspenseful or any more horrifying than what I read about in the paper every day. People committing suicide because all they ever owned has been lost. Psycho's running around killing for no visible reason at all. Children killing children and adults defending them.
There was a man, if we call him that, who emerged in the 40's. We call him a brutal killer, the Anti-Christ... Hitler. Six million Jews annihilated, simply because he didn't like them. Men who did his bidding without question and a people that watched it happen. Are you shaking your head yet? Why are you shaking your head? Because it is all too hard to believe? Because you know it IS all true and wonder how it happened? Don't feel alone, I am there too. But I ask a simple question again. Where is the intelligent life? With all the vast knowledge we have accumulated over the past several thousand years, how is it we have not figured out how to flip the world over on it's top side again?
303+ million people just in the United States and we have the choice of 3 or 4 to make our leader? The best of the best are questionable at best? Scholars are studied people who know all there is to know about everything I have mentioned here. They study and study and learn as much as can be learned about cultures, the economy, human behavior, daily life and any other subject that exists.I guess as i sit here today, it reminds me a bit of watching a game show. Wheel of Fortune enters my mind and I see the puzzle, 3 letters only on the board. I am saying the answer over and over again. "Why can't you see the answer!!!?? God, are you blind!!!??? But they are not blind at all. The difference is that I am not standing there in front of millions of people, trying to look intelligent and so afraid I will not. There is no pressure on me as I sit in the comfort of my home.
And i wonder then, why can't these "Scholars", our leaders, see what I see? Why can't they see that we already pay taxes so why not take 5 dollars from every family twice a year and apply it ONLY to our deficit? Why can't they see that a man making a billion dollars paying the same taxes as a man making 20 thousand a year doesn't really add up at all? If I pay a dollar on ten then let the billionaire do the same. Where is the intelligent life that missed that one?
Why not draw 20 numbers for the lottery instead of 1? Is that so hard to do? One million split 20 ways is still more than I had yesterday. One person winning 10 million makes little sense to me. 20 people sharing the win does.
She killed her baby? And we let her have another one so she could try it again? He killed a child but he can help make another one, maybe this one will make it to 5 years old this time. We can't mark them with a shirt, a name tag so that when anyone sees them, they will know? Sterilize her so she can't make more babies to kill or be killed? Oh, their rights??? I almost forgot. Where is the intelligent people, thinking, realizing that they gave up their rights when they took the life of an innocent. The same rights they took from that child or that family when they killed them. Hmmmmm???
With all the "intelligent" people we have walking the earth today, some clown from Iowa, U.S.A. can see what they can't see? I wonder. I wonder if they do see it but choose simply NOT to see. Maybe they, like the person on Wheel of Fortune, they can not see it because they are too afraid of looking stupid if they get it wrong. The richest nations in the world going broke? The Donald Trumps of the world getting "bailouts" when the Darrel Day's of the world watch their friends lose everything they ever called their own? Go ahead, shake your head. It's really alright to do. I do it every day. And I wonder to myself, Where is the intelligent life out there? The Einstein's VS the Common person.
A quote from "Calvin and Hobbes" comic says it the best. "The most positive proof that there IS intelligent life "out there" is the fact they have NOT tried to invade our world."

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