the way this Thing "bipolar" effects my day

People have asked me many questions about this disorder called Bipolar. The questions range from "where did it come from" or "when did it start" to the one I will discuss today.It has taken me 5 hours to write what you see as the final draft here. I have written and erased. I have sat and stared blankly at the screen. I have cried as my mind went back to all the things that helped make this a REAL issue. the question was asked... "How does it effect your "daily" routine? Does it give or take away from your day when it is strong?" The answer is this.
Today I woke at 5 a.m. and started my day. The previous day had ended for me at 3a.m. Wide awake as if I have slept for 10 hours, I go down and get a cup of coffee. I come into the computer room and sit down. I talk to a couple of friends but today is an extremely "Bipolar" day for me. My talking is abstract because my mind is everywhere. I think about days to come and those that have passed me by already. I worry about how I will get through this day. A moment later, i am care free and don't care what happens today because I have chosen to be happy. uh Huh............
My friends think i am ignoring them and I apologize 1000 times to them. They tell me it's OK but it isn't inside of me. The "going to be happy" is quickly replaced with a feeling of loss and of worthlessness. A feeling inside that nothing i have ever done was more than just average. That I have accomplished nothing more than what any other person in the world has. And that simply isn't good enough for me today. I go outside, it is a beautiful day. I reach for the rake and then set it down. I fear that if i rake i will loose my train of thought and forget something important. NOT that there is something I need to remember, mind you. I feel down and ready to cry. I wonder why My Sheila isn't here to touch me, smile at me and tell me it is alright.
Ahhhh, but then i have to quickly shit that thought down. I have lost friends because I speak of her too much. I have watched love pass me by because she is so strong in my heart. How many times did I write this and erase it? I don't remember. Life has blessed me with more love and kindness and gifts than any one man ever ever deserved. I should be the happiest man on earth. Oh what love I have known.
There are those that do not believe Bipolar is anything more than a means to "get away with stuff." They think I can turn and walk away from this, choose to NOT be Bipolar today or ever again! I offer this to anyone that wishes to take it on. I curse myself for saying that because I wish it upon no one ever! I type this now frantically because I am afraid I will loose it all and delete it.
I want to NOT have this make people look at me and say "Why would I buy a book from him? He is NOT right." "Whoa, this guy needs some serious meds." "Damnnnn, and he is walking the streets???"
I have wash to do that isn't getting done. Friends to talk to and write that I have neglected and caused them to feel bad. Even if it is not so, it is inside my mind today.I look at my watch and see the time. Where has this day gone too. It is over half finished and NOW, I want to do all the things that needed done earlier. Shame on me! Confusion and sadness, smiles and laughter. Love and anger and silence and noise. they all go together for me today and they all clash today for me.
I am sorry to ALL of my friends that I have neglected you. You have seen me here, know I am here and yet I can not carry on a conversation with you for more than 3 minutes because I might have something I have not done today. Something that did not get done because i spent the entire day unable to make a decision. Wore out from doing mostly nothing? Yes, because my mind is tired and yet it will not let me sleep. Too many things to do today.
Welcome to My world, my friends and readers. This is a world you would not want to be in for 1/2 a second. To maintain this world and get up each day and go through days where None of this occurs is a job all by itself. I give my best and love deeply and purely. I want so to know a life of just growing old with someone. But I know what a chore it is to be with me. I know I am high maintenance. But I know that the Love I give to you is deeper and truer than any love you will ever know.
Welcome to the world of being Bipolar. I am a great author and singer. I am the best friend you will ever have. And I am abstract and lost sometimes and have no clue why anyone would want to be with me. Does it effect my daily life? You answer that one. I think it is written right here.
I am so sorry to those I neglected today. I hope this helps you understand. God Bless you and know I love you all. Darrel