Friday, May 30, 2008

the way this Thing "bipolar" effects my day

People have asked me many questions about this disorder called Bipolar. The questions range from "where did it come from" or "when did it start" to the one I will discuss today.It has taken me 5 hours to write what you see as the final draft here. I have written and erased. I have sat and stared blankly at the screen. I have cried as my mind went back to all the things that helped make this a REAL issue. the question was asked... "How does it effect your "daily" routine? Does it give or take away from your day when it is strong?" The answer is this.
Today I woke at 5 a.m. and started my day. The previous day had ended for me at 3a.m. Wide awake as if I have slept for 10 hours, I go down and get a cup of coffee. I come into the computer room and sit down. I talk to a couple of friends but today is an extremely "Bipolar" day for me. My talking is abstract because my mind is everywhere. I think about days to come and those that have passed me by already. I worry about how I will get through this day. A moment later, i am care free and don't care what happens today because I have chosen to be happy. uh Huh............
My friends think i am ignoring them and I apologize 1000 times to them. They tell me it's OK but it isn't inside of me. The "going to be happy" is quickly replaced with a feeling of loss and of worthlessness. A feeling inside that nothing i have ever done was more than just average. That I have accomplished nothing more than what any other person in the world has. And that simply isn't good enough for me today. I go outside, it is a beautiful day. I reach for the rake and then set it down. I fear that if i rake i will loose my train of thought and forget something important. NOT that there is something I need to remember, mind you. I feel down and ready to cry. I wonder why My Sheila isn't here to touch me, smile at me and tell me it is alright.
Ahhhh, but then i have to quickly shit that thought down. I have lost friends because I speak of her too much. I have watched love pass me by because she is so strong in my heart. How many times did I write this and erase it? I don't remember. Life has blessed me with more love and kindness and gifts than any one man ever ever deserved. I should be the happiest man on earth. Oh what love I have known.
There are those that do not believe Bipolar is anything more than a means to "get away with stuff." They think I can turn and walk away from this, choose to NOT be Bipolar today or ever again! I offer this to anyone that wishes to take it on. I curse myself for saying that because I wish it upon no one ever! I type this now frantically because I am afraid I will loose it all and delete it.
I want to NOT have this make people look at me and say "Why would I buy a book from him? He is NOT right." "Whoa, this guy needs some serious meds." "Damnnnn, and he is walking the streets???"
I have wash to do that isn't getting done. Friends to talk to and write that I have neglected and caused them to feel bad. Even if it is not so, it is inside my mind today.I look at my watch and see the time. Where has this day gone too. It is over half finished and NOW, I want to do all the things that needed done earlier. Shame on me! Confusion and sadness, smiles and laughter. Love and anger and silence and noise. they all go together for me today and they all clash today for me.
I am sorry to ALL of my friends that I have neglected you. You have seen me here, know I am here and yet I can not carry on a conversation with you for more than 3 minutes because I might have something I have not done today. Something that did not get done because i spent the entire day unable to make a decision. Wore out from doing mostly nothing? Yes, because my mind is tired and yet it will not let me sleep. Too many things to do today.
Welcome to My world, my friends and readers. This is a world you would not want to be in for 1/2 a second. To maintain this world and get up each day and go through days where None of this occurs is a job all by itself. I give my best and love deeply and purely. I want so to know a life of just growing old with someone. But I know what a chore it is to be with me. I know I am high maintenance. But I know that the Love I give to you is deeper and truer than any love you will ever know.
Welcome to the world of being Bipolar. I am a great author and singer. I am the best friend you will ever have. And I am abstract and lost sometimes and have no clue why anyone would want to be with me. Does it effect my daily life? You answer that one. I think it is written right here.
I am so sorry to those I neglected today. I hope this helps you understand. God Bless you and know I love you all. Darrel


Magdalen Islands said...

I'm sorry Darrel but I just don't feel neglected. I'm a big girl now and I can find things to occupy my time. I can wait until you are ready to speak with me. It doesn't bore me to hear you speak about Sheila.

How many times today did I pick up the rank and put it down after only a few strokes, I can't tell. There was something else to do..., and guess what..., nothing got done here. Nothing got worked on because I wandered between projects and concentrated on nothing.

I know the animals are fed and watered, but that is it. Those days happen to everyone but more frequently with others perhaps.

I know the distraction was worse for you but I just ****ed my entire day for nothing..., I shouldn't have bothered getting out of bed.

But I'm not going to lose sleep over it..., uh uh no way no how.

Magdalen Islands said...

The difference between you and me is that you care how other people feel about how you do things. I don't care what people think as long as they don't physically get in my way or hinder me and my progress. I go along a little faster than neutral until someone gets in my way. Usually I'll give them a chance to move, if they don't, I'll move them and then they have a reason to gripe. I rarely have the serious highs and lows that you talk about that bring me to tears, but it does happen.

What I want to say is that everyone has highs and lows. We all go through days of confusion and end up doing nothing and get disappointed it everything around us. Apparently it isn't as strong as what you feel

Darrel said...

Thank you for your openness and honesty. I am not sure how to take it all but it is good to hear of how you feel. perhaps I over carry things in my life, I don't know. maybe none of this made anyone feel there is so much a difference from me and anyone elses day. And I guess to be truthful, it leaves me wondering a bit if I am just not as strong as others to be able to take it as just a day and go on... Thank you for reading this and for always being there to speak your heart. always, Darrel

Anonymous said...

Derrel, i just dont think most people understand what bipolar is all about.many people go thru there day with a few highs and lows, sometimes wondering from thing to thing,for most this is depression lots different than being bipolar.
As a friend I would never be offended of you speaking of your lost love,even if i had to listen a hundred times, thats what friends are all about. debbie.

I would never judge a person untill I walked a hundred miles in his shoes,so today I say to you, do what you can, feel what you must , and speak what you have to, a true friend will always be there for you thru it all.

mrsbrian said...

sorry darrel that annoymous was me, I forgot to sign in. Heres hoping you have a better day today than you had the day before! huggies.

Darrel said...

Thank you from my heart for your precious words here, Debbie. they touch my heart and give me some peace. Today seems a bit brighter than yesterday and I pray for this all through my day. I will write today and fill my time with Sunshine, the garden, the yardwork, the writing and loved ones. Hugs to you and thank you again for your words. Always I am Darrel..........

Unknown said...

Coming from someone who knows only too well the terrors of bi polar or as it used to be called "manic depressive illness" I can only say it really is so different from a day of feeling down or not wanting to get out of bed. It is often times the darkest feeling ever. For me, when I am depressed it feels as though I am in the bottom of a very deep well with sides so slick there is nothing to hold onto to pull towards the pinpoint of light miles above your head. The highs give you the feeling you can do anything, your ideas are the best and you can't wait to share them with the world. People sell their homes and quit jobs in this state. And when you "crash" you crash hard. Darrell I think very highly of you. I think you are who you are because of, and not in spite of the illness that attacks without warning. Somewhere out there, is a Woman that will love you for the person you are. A very gifted and special man. Love

Darrel said...

thank you thank you hugsssss... Your words here touch my heart. The darkness you speak of tells me you Do know how dark and how deep in that well a person can fall. Far enough to die if they dont get out somehow. our friends and or loved ones are sometimes our only reason for being here today. It is more than alone or scared or lost. It is your life... And most would run if they had to spend 5 minutes where I walk everyday... As for highs, i have learned only one thing for certain, the higher, the more euphoric the feeling... the harder the Low WILL be...
I thank you from my heart for your words concerning me. they mean more than I can convey here. They encourage me to keep writing when something inside of my cries out "Stop!!!." Thank youfor understanding. Always i am , Darrel

Woman that will love you for the person you are. A very gifted and special man. Love

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