Friday, January 30, 2009

Bipolar Awareness...

February is a month that many are trying to make National Bipolar Awareness Month. It is truly wonderful to see this possibly happening. There needs to be more information about this disorder that so many people are inflicted with. Bipolar is a disorder that cripples people in many ways. The medical sites tell the medical side of the disorder. They tell of some of the whys that the disorder exists. They talk about the Lows and highs but only in the most "professional" way.
What they do NOT talk about is how it truly effects each individual. I caught a Law and Order SVU 2 nights ago that really made me look deeper into the effects of Bipolar on a personal level. The girl was diagnosed as Bipolar based on some of her actions. Many of them went straight to my heart. It was very much like sitting there, watching myself on T.V.. A little bit scary and a whole lot emotional. She had fits of rage and calmness mixed together so close that someone looking on could barely see the switch unless you knew what you were watching for. The increased level of sexual needs melded with the uncaring acts of sex with many partners was a huge visual of myself. the desire to be away from everyone and Angry with the ones closest to her also made me wiggle a bit in my chair.
The problem with T.V. doing shows on bipolar people is that they take the issues and exaggerate them to the fullest. That isn't to say that what is happening does NOT happen. It is to say that not all bipolar react the same or even have the same reaction to certain situations. Each and everyone of us is unique in our actions and reactions. But, the public needs to know that we do NOT do the things we do voluntarily. We do not always have a "say" in what our minds dictate to us. We would love nothing more than to be able to function along side of people without our minds telling us something is or will go wrong. The feeling of trapped or crunched into a tiny room, even if the room is huge and mostly empty is not a feeling we can control nor can we just "Get over it!"
Compassion and understanding, patience and support are what we desire most in life. Not pity or even worse, and I shudder at the mention... Chastising. To have someone tell me I CAN do something or that I just need to move on or stop letting this thing grab me, is truly enough to send me to the darkest place you can imagine. Yelling or any real type of confrontation is the most frightening thing in the world to me. I will get physically ill just thinking about a confrontation that may occur. Not a wimp or woos, I can defend myself and those that I hold dear to my soul. In fact, probably I am more able to do that than those that are not Bipolar. Why? Simply because my emotions run so much faster and higher, more intense than someone that does not suffer from this illness. There is simply something inside of me that knows that in a confrontation, I will become more aggressive and so I try not to put myself in a situation that could cause that to happen.
Unfaithfulness that brings with it a guilt and at the same time a feeling that I have done nothing wrong. Mixed emotions that tell me it is ok to do these things and yet knowing inside that it is not acceptable by the world outside. Yet to me, it is merely reaching out with a love filled heart and helping someone.
A need and a want to have people see us for the beautiful people that we are. Empathic and loving are two wonderful qualities that are part of many bipolar lives. Loyalty and entrusting because those are two very Important qualities we MUST have with the ones we call our "safe place." take the time to look at us and see the inside of our souls. Look beyond the "clicks" and the roller-coaster ride of Highs and terrible Lows we will take you on. See how hard we really do try to fit in with your world. There is so much more to say but for now... It's all Good. Always, Darrel.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

This is My World...

Inside of me, a battle rages on daily. I'll take your hand and walk you through just a part of a day in a "Low." Perhaps the defining things that separate a person who simply experiences a moment in their life of confusion or low self-esteem or the desire to just sit in a corner and not be near anyone is that those things are not moments in time for someone with Bipolar disorder. They are days. They are weeks and months that run together like a steady stream of water that threatens to drown them. They are feelings of worthlessness and time after time of feeling as if one could carry the world on their shoulders and they Try to do just that. Euphoria so huge and so all encompassing that the body shudders at the high! Excitement because you read a page in a book and made no mistakes because if you did, something would happen to someone you love. Games you play out in your mind but always leaving an out in case you fail.
The lows that follow that fantastic high that crumbles even your ability to make the simplest decisions. Crying in ways most could not imagine. Sobbing so hard that you nearly pass out and no way to stop until your mind is finished. Walking away from such a cry and smiling as if it didn't happen at all. Laughing as you go to fill your water glass only to return to the same room, with the same people, wanting them all gone. Closed up as if they have done something and yet you can not explain to them they have done nothing. You simply had a massive mood swing. They in turn get down over the moment and in an instant, you are smiling again. And now, you try so hard to make them smile again but they do not walk through mood swings like you do. Now your whole world collapses again because you have the terrible guilt of ruining their night. Just another reason to tear yourself apart.
Waking up and needing to tell yourself over and over why you should finish your day out. Certain that there is little reason to even be here because you have nothing to give to those that love you. Your mind reminding you of all the things you need to start or finish. You write them all down or process them through your head and take most of the day truly doing absolutely nothing because your mind could not choose one single thing to do. Dishes half washed that now will wait until tomorrow or 3 a.m. when you are up wandering through the house. Novels with beginnings that sit for months, the characters and their story played out in your head as you drive down the highway. A reality only to you and that is why you write so perfectly. Your words are as alive as you are. They are happening as you are writing. Life and writing are one and the same for you.Imagination becomes reality and reality becomes something just a little less than imagination. And then... your two worlds collide and the mess it leaves behind is scattered and running amok in your head.
You wish only to know some peace and to feel the comfort of those you know as "Safe places." A person, a chair, whatever it is that gives you the ability to simply be.
Nine o'clock at night, you have done nothing and Now you feel the energy surge and want to do it all. Now it is dark and most are preparing to sleep for the night. You???? You are just beginning another part of your worlds day. A day that will last until you are so tired that you collapse. Not a desire to sleep but a no choice sleep. Your body and mind are exhausted and so you sleep. But only for a couple of hours and then, your whole day begins again. Perhaps I should say, continues, as they never really ever end.
Today, you feel connected and you sit to write. Eight chapters unfold from your mind onto your screen and it is exactly what you want. Never to think first but simply writing. Word after word, sentence after sentence flows and you have managed to stay locked up inside your novel. nothing from outside was aloud in today. You simply kept your mind so full that the racing was kept at bay, at least for today. A high surfaces and you are connected enough today to KNOW that a terrible Low WILL follow it. But for now, you will smile and your loved ones will enjoy you, for as long as they are allowed to.
Welcome to my world. A world filled with more things than I can put in one blog. More will come but it may be tomorrow or perhaps... I don't know when. I may tell you the good things that can be derived from this disorder. This is my world. You are welcome to it any time. Unless i change my mind the instant I click "publish."

Fate or Destiny... you decide.

I wonder how many people believe in Fate. I know that by clicking you can read the definition but I do want to steal one little part. {an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future}. Now the word destiny follows through where ever you look up the word fate. The two walk hand in hand with each other and yet to me, they are not really the same thing.
Destiny, to me, is a point that you achieve, after much strife and many trials. It is something that you reach for, that you believe in your heart is yours simply because. "He wrote with a passion, therefor he was destined to be an author." Fate, to me is something totally different. Fate is something that some believe in and others do not. It is an argued debate that goes back and forth from person to person. Fate to me is an event that happens and would have happened no matter what you did. If a man is fated to die at 25 then he will die at 25. If it is his/her destiny, because of his families medical background or where they live in the world to die young then fate doesn't play a role in it. Fate would be if the person did not live in a country filled with death but while traveling to a destination, your plane lands in a bad place. You are infected with some illness that you would have never seen in your country. It takes your life... That to me is fate. It stepped in where it was Unexpected and that is fate.
My wife was given 5 years to live. Had she died then, it would have been something that her illness had made it destined to happen. She lived, much to any medical reasoning's explanation, for 24 more years. That to me was Fate or in another name, God, stepped in and changed the ending. My father was told that he would not live for another year because of his heart and life style. He stopped smoking, changed his diet and his living, took better care of his body and 25 years later, he is still with us. Though "destined" to die because of his life, he chose to change things and in essence, changed his destiny.
I do believe we have the power within ourselves to change our destiny but I do not think we can change Fate. If we die, then we were to die then. Fate, or To me God, chooses that time. So would my father have lived 25 more years and be 76 years old right now if he had NOT changed things to be healthier? Fate has a plan for us all and so I wonder. It gives food for thought and also gives reasons for changing things in our life to try and extend it for as long as we are allowed.
"The Titanic was ill-fated..." I don't think so. It was human error that caused the great ship to sink. Fate only took those that didn't survive... Food for thought on a cold January Day... Always, Darrel

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Life... it changed forever

No chance of coming home they said and yet, here it was, Saturday, March 1st, 2006. Two months almost to the day that she had entered the hospital again. As I walked past the nurses station, as I had thousands of times, for 23 years, Sheila's doctor stopped me. She asked if we were set up for Sheila at home. I was confused but said of course we were always ready for her. She told me that I had learned the Trache and that if I wished, Sheila could come home. Something inside of me wanted to ask why it all changed so suddenly but something deeper would not allow me too. She always made miraculous recoveries so why not another one. She was excited and we packed her things and headed for home.
Once home and settled, calls were made and by Monday she was set up with home nurses and all the machinery needed to keep her as comfortable as we could. Caring for her, for the first time in 24 years, was a 24/7 team effort. My daughter and I and a dear friend cared for My Sheila and made certain she had all she needed. You might wonder in your mind if the thought that she had been sent home to finish her life at home ever entered my mind. I must honestly say to you that the answer was No! never in 24 years had the thought of her going away entered my head. I found that caring for her now was not the smooth walk we had made part of our lives this time. To simply go to the doctor required 6 oxygen tanks and an hour to get her in our vehicle. Nights were spent sitting up with her, cleaning her Trache every hour so she could breathe easier and sitting beside her all night so i didn't miss her calling for me. We talked of everything and of nothing. We did NOT talk as if she were going to die. It never ever entered my mind.
On the 7th of March, she woke and said something didn't feel right inside. She was taken to the hospital where our family doctor waited. I often wonder if we sometimes fail to notice things on purpose or if our minds are simply to filled with worry to see things that might have told us what we didn't see. Maybe it is a little of both. I watched and held her hand as our Doctor continued to give her more and more morphine. More than perhaps was "normal." She had been our Doctor for 20 years and knew Sheila better than almost anyone. Again, I never questioned because I trusted her completely. Sheila was moved back to the hospital so far away. I stood beside her, waiting for doctors to decide what they might do. I was going out to smoke one and she took my hand and asked me to wait. Here again, they gave her shots to make her sleep for 45 minutes and then she would be awake for 15. At 1a.m., they decided to do emergency surgery. I called my girls to come up, knowing it was over an hour away. I figured the surgery would last at least that long. I kissed my Sheila and told her i would be waiting for her. We said our "I love you's" and I sat in the dark waiting room alone...
One half hour later, i was shocked to see the surgeon come into the room. 24 years does NOT prepare you for anything. When he said "I can not save her this time" I fell to the floor, sobbing. I told him he was wrong. I told him that he must be mistaken. I sobbed like a child and begged him to try. He knelt beside me and took my hand. He said never had he seen such love. My girls arrived shortly after and I told them she only had hours to live. There are no words for those moments in time. We spent the next 3 hours beside her bed, singing softly to her, holding her hand, never once saying she was dieing. I kissed her and she whispered to me, "I don't hurt anymore." At 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006, after 24 years of the greatest love a man could ever know, my love went to heaven. The word "forever" changed for all time. Nothing in my life would ever be the same. I would no longer be able to turn and say "remember when we..." Life for me and my girls, for everyone that loved her, would never be the same again.
A love so precious only comes around once in a lifetime. There may be a new love. There may be someone special that comes into your life that you will share with and grow old with. But never will THAT love come around again. Not in this lifetime.
A mind like mine didn't take long to begin working on me. Guilt over things unfinished began to tear at me. Unsure of myself, not certain I had done everything I could have for Sheila, ate at me. I spent days and months and years falling into low after low. The bipolar kicked into full swing and even making little decisions like ordering a meal became nearly impossible. I knew that the disorder had found a place to be and that every guilt, each sin I felt was mine, would take me places no man should go.
Life goes on even with bipolar and touretts. It moves forward even if we wish it would not. Time will not wait for you. We wake one day and see that years have gone by, not hours or days. We realize that our life is going to go on and that we have the choice to follow it or stay behind. My mind still races 1000 miles a minute. Days still happen when to even get out of bed is a huge task. Being near people or in a store is still a scary place but you cling to your "safe place" person and try your best to look like everyone else. Does it work??? You tell me.
Thank you for staying with me as I wrote this part of my life. I have Shared with you what I have shared with no one here before. And I have walked through this fire and came out as My Love did, forever. Alive... God Bless you all, Darrel

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Coming to the end...

Forever to many is only a word. To those that have lost someone precious, it is a timeline. How long will you mourn? How long is not long enough? How long is too long? IS there a time frame for a loss so huge?
My story continues from when we began living our lives separate and yet together as always. Sheila and my daughter lived in an apartment and I was there at 7 a.m. every day. I stayed with Sheila until 10 at night and then drove to my own home.I loved her so much and yet the need to be alone was strong by now. Even to have people in my house for longer than a few hours was an invitation to an anxiety attack, full blown. Sheila remained my "safe place" and so to spend entire days and evenings were not a problem. Somewhere in my dis-connected mind, I knew I would be going home to "alone" and that made it all good. We lived our days and evenings as we had always and she continued to teach me something daily.
After 2 years, we had become settled in how our life was. Sheila knew that it was possible we would never be as we had once been. My mind issues alone would assure us of that. Committing the "horrible sin" I continued to run through relationship after relationship. Nothing lasted and if it appeared it might, I dropped them and never looked back. In my mind, to be "faithful" to anyone would somehow make what I had done far worse. It would destroy my promise that I loved Sheila always. I could never allow this and so relationships were fleeting moments. Many asked to stay but they came to me KNOWING that Sheila was my love and that I did not have that kind of love to give to anyone else. Not the will nor the desire.
Finding it hard to focus on one thing, I would at times try to tackle several thoughts as one. It always ended up in a total disaster, followed by a LOW that left me wishing I had died with the last Pulmonary Embolism. Had I, Sheila would have never know the sorrow I gave to her. We would have ended our time together as one. The Lows were worse and gained more strength as time went on. We tried to work with them and made it through most without damage. Sheila continued to love me and give to me strength that I could not find with in myself or by my self. In 2004, Sheila had to have her Gall Bladder removed. Doctor after doctor refused to do the surgery. One finally said yes and the operation was done. During recovery, Sheila aspirated. Her lungs were severely burned and to save her life, she was put into a coma. I moved into a room outside of the CCU and remained there for the 60 days she was sleeping. I sang to her and read to her and watched over her. She was given a 5% chance of survival.She nearly died 3 times during this sleep but was as always, strong enough to win another battle. She would never regain the use of her legs again. After 83 days, Sheila came home. We found a duplex and moved there. We had what I needed finally.We had an intercom system so that while i wrote my novels I could still hear anything I needed to. If Sheila needed me I was a door away. It was still enough "Alone" that I could maintain and avoid to many anxiety attacks. We lived this way for another year and a half and my love for her was stronger than ever. The idea of finding a way to be with her was something that I wanted. I hated myself for the way my mind worked. I hated the effects of the Bipolar and the control it had on me.
Sheila became ill again and on the 6th of January 2006, Sheila went back into the hospital with Pneumonia. She became worse and was moved to CCU. A coma was induced again as the Only way to save her life. A Trache was put back in where the one from her first coma had been placed. I was told that she would have the Trache for the rest of her life. She was awakened after 31 days and sent to Rehab. She did not respond to treatment well and I was told she would be there for many months. I stayed with her as much as I could but also had my daughter to help when I could. The drive to Sheila was 115 miles and there were days that I drive it 3 times a day, depending on her condition. Arriving at 8 in the morning, driving home to shower and going back was a normal day. Sometimes a third trip would be needed if she took a turn for the worst. Driving back at 2 or 3 a.m., sometimes barely remembering the drive, often left me extremely tired. The exhaustion was an opening for the Lows to come over me. It was taking it's toll on me though I refused to not be there. I was the one that she trusted to lift her and move her and I wanted to "dance" with her every chance I got. Months went by and Doctors told me that going home was not in her future. Many questions needed answered and I had to learn to clean her Trache daily, in case she DID come home. Our time now, here on Earth together was shorter than I could have ever known. Would I have done anything different if I had only known?
More tomorrow if you will stay with me that long. This write is harder than I thought it would be but it is a story I WANT to tell. Please be forgiving if it is not what you came to read. Always, Darrel

Friday, January 23, 2009

When Life Changes...Forever

Many read my blogs and see a man that had a few issues that caused him to sway a bit from time to time. I write openly about so many things and yet there are always things that go unsaid. Sheila was my strength and even today, 3 years after she went to heaven, I still hold to that strength and rely on it. As I said before, the bipolar part was growing without me really seeing it. I felt it more than recognized it consciously. A past tainted with wrongs done to me and a life of what I called perfect mixed my thoughts long ago. Even as I write, readers see the "abstract" jumping around, though to me... it is in perfect order. One event would not be present had the others not been a part of me before them. After all, a road isn't called a road until it has first been traveled.
Sheila and I continued to live our lives with love and vim. We loved every minute and did things many thought impossible. That word did not even exist in our life. Pulmonary Embolisms threatened to take me to heaven first. The last one took something from me. It scared me and I thought surely I would die. I wasn't ready to leave and God graced me by allowing me to stay. But again, something inside of me changed. I wasn't the me i had been for so long. Scared of falling asleep and not waking became a part of my life. One or two hours of sleep, only when absolutely needed was my sleep pattern. It still remains that way today. I found myself confused and feeling lost most of my days. I drew away from my family and found safety in the Internet. Nothing there could harm me and I could escape from my fears for a time. I thought to that I had found a friend in someone there and even met her with my family.And then, I fell. I, still loving the most precious gift in life, cheated with someone else. The results were devastating and Sheila and I split for a time.
Split. To some, many that knew us, it wasn't something anyone would even know to look at us. I still helped her to bed. I still took her to the bathroom and we still kissed goodnight and said "I love you." What was different was me. I won't claim innocence nor will i place the blame anywhere it does not belong. I had lost all self-esteem and no longer felt worthy to be Sheila's source of strength or life. I was only good enough for someone that had no real need of me and I had convinced myself of that.The affair did not last long but I had broke the heart of the woman that would love me forever. Convinced also that she would leave me one day, I went first.
Looking back, and with some therapy, I understand now that the disorder added to my Lows and to the feeling of not being good enough for anyone as precious as Sheila. I also found that it was increasingly harder all the time to "live" with anyone 24/7. My love for sheila was still forever, though many doubted that fact. But I knew inside of me where my heart and my forever was. Confusion became my constant companion and our life was changed forever. the only certainties I had were these. I would never "leave" Sheila, I would love her forever, and i had committed the worst sin against this woman a man could ever do. That sin, in my lost mind, was unforgivable. Once done, it could never be made right, taken back or forgotten. Only her undieing love for me and her unconditional want to share our lives gave me any peace. We lived separate lives yet spent 20 hours a day together. Doesn't make sense? IT did to us and does to me. I started my day with her and spent until 10 at night helping her go to the restroom and shower and stayed in the hospital rooms with her whenever she went back in. As i said earlier, to most looking in, we were as together as we had always been. Only we knew how much our lives had changed.
And Only God knew then that our time together here on Earth was growing shorter...
Tomorrow, if you still even desire to continue to read the words of this man, the man that hurt someone so beautiful and true, I will tell you more of the life I shared with an Angel. Always, Darrel

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

When Life Changes...again

The tears did little more for me than soak my face and cause my sinuses to run. As I said before, I could remember little tell-tale signs that issues were present long before Sheila had come into my life. My brother and I each having M&M's, he finishing his first. He asked for some of mine and I said No. I looked into his face and saw the sadness and I wanted to do nothing at that time except give him my entire bag and find a way to make myself feel as horrible as I could. To feel the pain that he surely must have felt when I said No. I was 6 then. Feeling peoples sadness became a stronger emotion than feeling my own. It became increasingly hard to determine which were theirs and which were mine. Life for me went on this way and continues too.
Sheila was the strongest, most beautiful lady a man could ever be graced to have been loved by. My past, as does all of ours, dictated to me what I would be as an adult. That past left me very "free" with love and giving of myself.Only the grace of teachings from my parents of God and what was simply right and wrong saved me many times from what could have been a bad child. their love and guidance kept me at least semi balanced. When she came to me, I didn't know what the word "faithful" meant. I thought every love was forever and every woman meant it when she said I love you. Sheila taught me what real, unconditional love was. Her illness I believe just made our love deeper and stronger. But the years of watching her suffer so and yet smile, watching her go from deaths bed to home again time and time again took it's toll on me.
Did these things cause me to be Bipolar? Certainly not, but they allowed doors to be opened that were best left shut. Years of feeling so many peoples hearts, thinking I could handle anything, had not prepared me for seeing the Love of my life laying in a hospital bed, unsure even of who she was or where she was at times. Seeing doctors cut on her because they could not find a place to draw blood or place an I.V. anymore was more pain than I knew could exist. Holding her hand while they cut and packed a skin infection caused by meds that she needed to stay alive tore a little deeper into me each time. She was the innocent and I wanted so badly to make her pain my own. Even if just for a while.
My mind still slipped farther into a dark place that left me in stages of so sad i wanted to die and so happy my body shook. Loving life and laughing to hating all that I was and wishing to not "be" any longer was becoming a way of life for me. Finding myself standing in the middle of a store, not having a clue as too what I was supposed to do, so I stayed... standing, watching the people pass me, hoping they didn't stop to speak to me. Needing to find an out again, some way to release some of the spinning that went on in my head all day long. Even my sleep suffered now. I found I needed as much as wanted less and less sleep all the time.Again, a huge life change for me. I wanted to run and wanted to be at Sheila's side all at the same time. I would sit and write for hours on end. The writing seemed to be a good thing for me.
For 20 years we lived this life. We made it work for us and ours was to those looking in, the most perfect life. Our daughters were well liked in school. We were known through out our community and church. Respected and admired, no one could see what went on inside of me. Even I only knew a small portion of it at times. I swore that I was always prepared for anything that might happen to Sheila. 14 times I had been called in to be told by doctors she would not live through the night. 14 times,they were wrong and I KNEW they would be.She was like nothing doctors had ever seen and they had only statistics to go by. I had a lifetime of My Sheila and watching her walk through fire and come out stronger and more beautiful. We lived our lives as if we had forever. But always, something inside of me plagued me. It drew me away and took me down dark roads time and time again. Family was the only stability I knew. Decisions were almost impossible now and people made me so very nervous. I cried at the drop of a hat and couldn't even tell anyone why. Hell, I didn't even know why. How could i tell anyone else. And still, My Sheila needed me to be strong. But I knew inside that It was not me that was her strength. She was Mine! How was I going to ever survive without this precious gift? Life was changing so fast inside of me. I was no longer the Me I had known forever. And Sheila was getting sicker... I will write more tomorrow. I don't know why i am writing this. I only know that there is someone out there that may need to read this. They may need to know that they are not so different nor alone. Perhaps I should simply stop.........................

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

When Life Changes...

Nothing really new here but my heart talking today. I hope no one minds my sometimes rambling but it is the truth and my life.
What do you do when your life suddenly changes? You are walking along in life and suddenly everything you ever believed changes. What you thought would be your life for the rest of your life is in a flash...Gone! You were going to grow old with the Love of your life. You would watch one another face what challenges and beauty come with growing older together. But in just a moment, you are alone. After 25 years, God decided to take My love to heaven. Should this have been unexpected? Should i have been more prepared?
She was sick from the first year we were married. Muscular Dystrophy came into our life in a huge way. Her legs and arms weakened to the point she could no longer walk and barely lift her arms. We learned how to walk through this new way of life together. We knew the inside of hospitals better than we knew our own home. We raised two beautiful daughters together, doing our best to lead a normal life for them. They saw their mother in hospital rooms and surrounded by doctors and it became a way of life for us. We ate fast food and took every opportunity to enjoy life and lived it as if she were not ill. Life continued and we had a great life.
Strength comes in many forms and from many experiences. Sadly, sometimes it also is knocked down. And then a disorder takes over me. It sneaks in slowly and only looking back now can I see that it was always there. Little things I did slipped past without hardly a notice. But they were there like little beacons, beacons trying to tell me that there was something not quite right. But when it settled in hard, my whole life changed again. Things that came easy for me no longer simply flowed. Thoughts that came one or two at a time now came 20 or 30 at a time. So fast that I found myself unable to capture just one to sort out.
Now, watching Sheila suffer so as she did, was not just part of our life. It was huge for me and it took me down some hard roads. I cried like a baby whenever she hurt. Emotions I had secured in the way back of my mind no longer were staying there. they rushed forward and made me See everything through the eyes Of what i had always known I was. The eyes of an empathic. Someone that no loner simply Saw the pain but felt it deep inside. I hurt when she hurt and I cried because I could not take her pain away. I held her tight and prayed silent prayers to God to let MY body absorb her hurt, her illness. Give it to me, I prayed! And i cried more... {tomorrow perhaps I will write more. Today, I am flushed.}

Monday, January 19, 2009


I was referred to a new site that I have found very exciting. There is so much to do there. It is a very busy site and won't hurt anyone to have a peek. is a very friendly user site that allows you to chat, blog, read, share and even advertise whatever you have to offer for FREE. That is the right price for anyone.
Come on in and have a look. If you like what you see, settle in and enjoy all the features the site offers. It will be worth your time. Please use the URL of mine to join. I would be most appreciative if you would. Go, enjoy and look me up.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Hurt... Is it Live or is it Internet?

Strange title to some I am sure. A little bit reminiscent of that long ago Ella Fitzgerald commercial for memorex tapes. A person had to listen close to see if it was live or taped. As I sit here at 2 a.m., thinking about hurt I have felt off-line and on-line, I thought about questions that I used to see asked in chat rooms that I frequented so much 4 or 5 years ago. I started in a 30's chat-room when I first came on-line. I quickly fell into line with all the other "newbies." There were people from every country in the world at my finger-tips. There was the element of intrigue and secrecy to play with. Never one to understand the element of falsehood, I came in with both barrels, full name and all. I waltzed through the rooms with my charm and smiles and won the hearts of lady after lady. Two or three to talk to was so easy. A very bad place for a man that took the entire world as VERY REAL.
I would see people typing {this was in the days of no "voice chat." Before there was Cheetah-chat and yahoo voice. Those were the days of ICQ and simply typing your thoughts and emotions. People would type "I love you's" and "Meet you here tomorrow night". Words typed in front of me... in my own "PM" box {again before we called them Instant messages they were known as Personal messages} would seem so real to me. People would type how they were so badly hurt and others would type "It's the Internet Stupid... get over it!" Those were words I did not understand. Why was it different? And then the question would pop up again. Is it the same hurt here as in "real life?"
Real life. I would ponder those words and think hard on them. "Can you really be called a cheater if it's on-line?" "Is it really being un-true if it is in cyber-space?" "What harm can a little playing do?" The answers to those questions touches me deeply as I sit here tonight. The reality of this "Internet" is a personal reality for me. The answer to all those questions impacted my life in a huge way. The "just the Internet" statement fell short of truth for me. I almost lost someone that was precious to me for ever because of the "Just Internet." I fell into the life of on-line living. No longer were these people just Internet for me. I woke thinking about the net and my friends and said good-night and kissed ladies and sent them off to their beds every night, while my "real" wife laid in bed, waiting for me. She had no idea how "real" these ladies had become to me. She had no clue that I talked to them in ways meant only to be shared by lovers and husband and wives.
These people were real enough to stir my emotions. Real enough to sway my heart and cause me to want to spend more time with them than with my own family. They were VERY Live and Very real. Cheating was real and tears my beloved cried when I cheated were Very Real. Moving out for a time and almost losing her forever was Real, it was Live! For 20 years, no human contact had ever swayed my emotions nor threatened the sanctuary of our marriage. And then I found the Internet, or perhaps... It found me. Either way, it changed my life forever and caused real tears to flow from the eyes of my beautiful wife and my children. It didn't get more real than that. I didn't have to listen close any more. I didn't have to think about the answer to that question any longer. Was it Live or was it Internet? They are one and the same.
Tears I cry tonight for a hurt that has come to me ARE real and Live. Feelings that cause me to feel sorrow and loneliness are so Live. Voice has been added now and camera's so that the intimacy can grow even deeper are in every home. No longer the "innocent" playing or teasing. The reality of it all comes flooding back to me, here, in the middle of the night or the beginning of the new day, however it is seen. Cyber-life and cyberspace have become the reality of our world now. 31 percent of couples today met on-line. Love affairs that have destroyed marriages are responsible for 26 percent of those break-ups. Children without their mothers or fathers are victims of the Internet life.
Bill Gates, you gave to us technology. You brought the P.C.{personal computer} into our homes. You showed us the fast lane to knowledge and gave simple people the chance to see what the rest of the world saw. And you gave to us infidelity and sneaking around in our own home. You put into every person with a computers hands the ability to hurt others from afar. You opened a door into all of our homes and gave a whole new playground to sickos and petafiles. You brought a whole new meaning to "loving from afar." Is this your legacy or are we simply the victims of our own short-comings.
When you hurt someone on-line with words or actions, remember it's LIVE. When you feel something stirring inside of you as you talk with someone on-line, remember it's LIVE. When the next time you seek fantasy and reality to become one in your world, remember... IT IS LIVE. If you can feel it in "real" life, you can feel it here. Be careful how you touch hearts here. Use the same compassion and respect here as you would if you were face to face with someone. Be kind because you don't know what battle rages on the other side of the screen. But mostly... Always remember one very important fact. IT IS LIVE, It IS Internet. They are one and the same.

Friday, January 16, 2009

A different world...

Depression... I have written about this many times before. Each time, the writing seems to help me tremendously. Today, I have written and i have read and responded to mail so as to write more. But it has had little effect on me. Some days are just like that I guess. Or perhaps it is the different feelings I have stirring and tossing around inside of my head. Thoughts of being less than I should be. Feeling as though I should have been someone. Someone that people would recognize and remember for the rest of their lives. Life goes on every day, just like the saying goes. But I do not think that life and living are the same thing. Just because everything around us moves forward in time and activity does not mean that our minds follow along.
All to often, we are wrapped up in so many things that we can not sort out one single issue and fix it. And so we go on, feeling lost and dis-connected from the rest of the world. The world of depression is a frightening place. It can leave you so far down that it is hard to even concentrate on the simplest things like eating or starting a project.Certainly the Lows are a part of bipolar but I also do not believe that everyone that is depressed is Bipolar.There are things that come with being Bipolar that you do not normally see in a depressive person.
So how do i determine in myself which is happening with me. The depression is a feeling of uncertainty and sadness. It is an emotional state that is more constant though maybe a bit easier to deal with for me. The stable pace of being down allows me to know that it is depression. There is no up and down nor is there a roller coaster to ride on. The stable feeling of being down remains the same.
There is the feeling of sorrow for things i have done that to others seem not so bad. There is the feeling that I have neglected friends and thoughts of those i let slip away. The longing to sit and just write my thoughts is so strong. How does one transfer his thoughts in a way as to allow the reader to know what he is feeling? That is something I pride myself in and yet today, I seem unable to find that place. The place where you look into my mind and my heart and see the sadness that I carry today. The feelings that I have little worth and that those around me struggle to try and understand me. They sit, not knowing whether to hug me or to leave me alone. Depression takes me to places I need not be and I often wander through my days in a state of total confusion and the inability to make the smallest of decisions. To feel as if I would as soon sit and stare as do anything today.
Depression can be helped for many. If you feel as if you are depressed, if you think you are suffering from lows that don't go away, I urge you to seek professional help. Many times, medications or therapy can be very helpful in your journey to find peace inside. Talking, writing, walking with a loved one or alone can sometimes bring you to a place that you can face the issues that have brought you down.
Today, this is my world. A world without any direction or reality that has left so many things undone. Tomorrow perhaps a better world for me. the only way I will know is to stick around and see. My world is one that you may be familiar with. But for me, it is where I live... Always, Darrel

In search of Intelligent Life

Often, while reading the newspaper or watching the news, I wonder where the intelligent life is here on earth. Scholars proclaiming the End Is Near, as near as 2012. People losing their homes and all they possess in a land rich with the proverbial "milk and Honey." Governments falling into ruin and countries and companies needing "bailouts" because they over spent. We, a people of some of most knowledgeable humans on the planet, unable to "balance" a countries checkbook. America's deficit is a number I am not even sure how to say. There are 303+ million people living in the United States. United States — Population: 303,824,640 (July 2008 est.) There has been over 10 Billion dollars paid out in Lottery wins just in the United States.
A man accused of killing 3 people was released from prison because he had been a "nice" prisoner that found reformity in prison. He served 15 of a 35 year sentence. So thankful for his release and so well reformed, he rushed out and within 36 hours had murdered a mother and her infant son for 86.00. A woman, found guilty of killing her newborn, 5 years later was graced with a new baby girl. This one, her boyfriend killed while she sat on the phone, talking to her girlfriend. The child's cries for help went unanswered. The mother was trying to get ex-boyfriend to come party with them.
I sit and listen to these stories and think to myself... "Why do I write fiction Novels? I could just write about the daily happenings in the world." Few things I can conjure up in my head are going to be worse, more suspenseful or any more horrifying than what I read about in the paper every day. People committing suicide because all they ever owned has been lost. Psycho's running around killing for no visible reason at all. Children killing children and adults defending them.
There was a man, if we call him that, who emerged in the 40's. We call him a brutal killer, the Anti-Christ... Hitler. Six million Jews annihilated, simply because he didn't like them. Men who did his bidding without question and a people that watched it happen. Are you shaking your head yet? Why are you shaking your head? Because it is all too hard to believe? Because you know it IS all true and wonder how it happened? Don't feel alone, I am there too. But I ask a simple question again. Where is the intelligent life? With all the vast knowledge we have accumulated over the past several thousand years, how is it we have not figured out how to flip the world over on it's top side again?
303+ million people just in the United States and we have the choice of 3 or 4 to make our leader? The best of the best are questionable at best? Scholars are studied people who know all there is to know about everything I have mentioned here. They study and study and learn as much as can be learned about cultures, the economy, human behavior, daily life and any other subject that exists.I guess as i sit here today, it reminds me a bit of watching a game show. Wheel of Fortune enters my mind and I see the puzzle, 3 letters only on the board. I am saying the answer over and over again. "Why can't you see the answer!!!?? God, are you blind!!!??? But they are not blind at all. The difference is that I am not standing there in front of millions of people, trying to look intelligent and so afraid I will not. There is no pressure on me as I sit in the comfort of my home.
And i wonder then, why can't these "Scholars", our leaders, see what I see? Why can't they see that we already pay taxes so why not take 5 dollars from every family twice a year and apply it ONLY to our deficit? Why can't they see that a man making a billion dollars paying the same taxes as a man making 20 thousand a year doesn't really add up at all? If I pay a dollar on ten then let the billionaire do the same. Where is the intelligent life that missed that one?
Why not draw 20 numbers for the lottery instead of 1? Is that so hard to do? One million split 20 ways is still more than I had yesterday. One person winning 10 million makes little sense to me. 20 people sharing the win does.
She killed her baby? And we let her have another one so she could try it again? He killed a child but he can help make another one, maybe this one will make it to 5 years old this time. We can't mark them with a shirt, a name tag so that when anyone sees them, they will know? Sterilize her so she can't make more babies to kill or be killed? Oh, their rights??? I almost forgot. Where is the intelligent people, thinking, realizing that they gave up their rights when they took the life of an innocent. The same rights they took from that child or that family when they killed them. Hmmmmm???
With all the "intelligent" people we have walking the earth today, some clown from Iowa, U.S.A. can see what they can't see? I wonder. I wonder if they do see it but choose simply NOT to see. Maybe they, like the person on Wheel of Fortune, they can not see it because they are too afraid of looking stupid if they get it wrong. The richest nations in the world going broke? The Donald Trumps of the world getting "bailouts" when the Darrel Day's of the world watch their friends lose everything they ever called their own? Go ahead, shake your head. It's really alright to do. I do it every day. And I wonder to myself, Where is the intelligent life out there? The Einstein's VS the Common person.
A quote from "Calvin and Hobbes" comic says it the best. "The most positive proof that there IS intelligent life "out there" is the fact they have NOT tried to invade our world."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Angels Unaware...

Today I want to talk about "Angels Unaware." There are stories on stories of Angels {defined as messengers} appearing to people in their hours of need. They have come to the sick and poor and the rich and well. The Angels have been described in more fashions than I will go into here. It is completely believable and I think that most people, regardless of their Doctrine, have in some way experienced one somewhere in their lives.
But I want to talk about the ones that Do Not appear to us as an Angel. "People" that walk into our lives at a specific time and are there sometimes for less than a day. Their presences is felt and one can feel the wonder in them as we fellowship with these people. These people are sometimes someone we know, but often they are complete strangers that enter our lives gently. They may come to your lives and after they have touched your soul, simply fade away.
Many times in my life, when I thought that I was at the end of what I could endure, someone would enter my life and cause a stirring in my soul. They have left and years later, finally as I looked back, I could realize that "they" had been sent to me from heaven to help me. I can recall one time, many years ago when Sheila was so very ill. I sat in the far corner of a waiting room, darkened so no one would look at me. I did my very best to conceal my crying and to not draw attention to me. I had gone into the bathroom several times, then thinking i had a grip on it all, walked into Sheila's ICU room, and there, looking at her, barely able to see her face for the tubes and wires and machines, and bawling. Thankful for just a brief moment that she was in a deep coma and could not see me crying.
As I sat in my little corner, softly now crying to myself, a young girl walked over to me and sat down. She didn't say a word but simply took my hand in her tiny hand and held it tight. I told her I was sorry and she said "I know." I felt as if I had known her forever and was unafraid to openly talk about my tears.I told her of the way that Sheila and I used to walk along the lake-shore, hand in hand, smiling and being In Love. I talked of our walks in the woods and of our laughter and joys, like when our daughters were born. We talked about when Sheila first got sick and the first real Hospital stay. A stay that was to begin for us a 24 year trek from hospital room to hospital room. I cried harder as I explained to her that she was in so much pain and that I could not take it away for her. Tubes and beeping machines had become common and hospital rooms were more familiar than our own bedroom. When I finished she simply said to me "and you hurt too." She gave me a tiny heart and said that she knew my heart and my pain. She told me God has hold of Sheila right now and he is talking with her. She was sleeping so he could heal her and that I needed to make myself strong for when she needed me. I asked her if she had family in ICU and she said "Always." I laughed a little and told her I understood but really, I didn't understand at that time. I never saw her again but began to strengthen my heart with faith and trust that Sheila would be fine. I kept the heart and have it to this day.
Sheila woke from her coma after 61 days and 4 weeks later came home again. I never told her of the "Angel" that came to me but I asked her if she remembered anything from the sleep.Sheila told me of the music she heard playing while she was sleeping. She remembered my voice singing to her. She remembered seeing Angels, always around her and thought it was them talking and not me.
Sheila went to heaven 2 and 1/2 years later, after standing tall through so many battles. The strongest woman I ever knew, who had Angels to come to MY rescue in my hours of need. Angels Unaware... come in all shapes and sizes. We had a plant in the house my mother named "the Sheila Plant." It would thrive for ever and ever but when it began to wilt some, my mother would know that Sheila was getting ready to go into the hospital. That plant often allowed us time to regroup and ready ourselves for the next battle. It died on us shortly after she went to heaven. No matter what I did to that silly plant, it was not coming back, nor... was my Sheila. A Plant? Or was it an Angel watching over my home and Sheila and allowing me a little grace period to try and at least prepare myself for whatever was coming our way.
I have one that has called out my name very loudly at times. After a long day of driving my driving becomes an accident waiting to happen. Times when I have suddenly heard my name and woke just in time to avoid hitting a bridge. It is with me every time I am on a long trip.
There are as I said so many stories to tell but I just wanted to tell these today. I am sure you have some of your own to tell and one day, maybe you will share them with me. How i would love that. I hope you have a beautiful life and remember "Quitting is NOT an Option" and it is "Never goodbye, it is simply See you later." Hugssssss to you All. Always, Darrel

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A romantic heart

Today I am going to write to you from the romantics heart. A heart that is so different from the man who has never known a heart like this. Not sure if it is a gift or a curse but I do know, it is mine. It is descriptive and colorful. It sees things through different eyes and desires only to make people smile and feel good about themselves and their lives. This heart gives everything they have within themselves even at the cost of their own sanity.
Now understand that this does not mean that people do not have romantic moments in which they take their loved one to a beautiful place for dinner and then spend the evening letting that person know how special they are. That happens every single day. But the romantic heart has "romantic" days and weeks and years. Every song they hear, every time they see a bird or flower, they think "how wonderful it would be to share this." To touch you, it is always a caress and not simply a hand brushing over yours. There is so much of a difference, there truly is. The very thought of someone dear fully engulfs them to the point that their brains simply no longer control them in any way. I really don't know that their brains ever have control. They simply step in for a moment but always the romantic is waiting to step forward as soon as possible.
What about the way the romantic heart sees the world? Is it different from they heart that waits for Valentines day or an Anniversary before they do something special for the one they love? The romantic sees every single day as Valentines Day. There is no reason for waiting. In the beauty of the Spring time, red and blue and purple colors spring forth from the ground, once covered in pure white snow. The flowers causing the romantic to see them as gifts to give to someone they love. The smell of a chimney, smoke rising from it's walls, spreading the fragrance of pine burning in the fireplace through out the air. The warmth we know in sitting in front of the fireplace, our lover in our arms, sipping hot cocoa and feeling love from just a single glance. A kiss that is warm and tender, not harsh or demanding brings out the fever within us and causes us to want to give and give of ourselves. Every color of Autumn, every snowfall, the snow-flakes huge and covering the bare ground, making the worlds seem clean and pure. In both the snow and the the orange and yellows and lightly colored green leaves, rush to the ground and gently change the bareness to what appears to be a carpet of hues that accent all that surrounds it.
The shoreline, racing up to touch your feet, caressing your toes and making you smile a bit. The moon is full and offers itself to you for light. The breeze is slight and gives you reason to hold your lover close to you as you sit on a blanket, sharing the scenery of trees and white caps that light up in the moons beams. A kiss stolen in the night and whisper that says how you feel. The whole world is one huge romance waiting to happen, sharing with your lover the beauty that heaven has painted for you.
The romantic sees a simple walk in the forest as a prelude to an evening of love. This heart believes that everything beautiful was created for the heart to take and make another heart feel wonderful. No Sunrise nor Sunset ever allowed to finish without breathing in the allurement of it's enchanting sight. To rise early and walk through the forest, hand in hand, nature's glowing scene, intoxicating both of your minds with the sense of love and desire. The water gently flows over the rocks, mimicked only in mind by tender love and touching. Soft, slow, never abrasive or harsh in any way, but sweet and soft as the water.
Songs... every song matching an emotion, every emotion brings forth a song. A song played again and again, filling the heart with such a beauty, words spoken that the heart takes and gives to their lover, opening their eyes so they can see how truly beautiful they are. Giving your eyes to her mind so they can see what you see. The romantic heart ALWAYS loving, sometimes more than one. The romantic heart, taking from the world some of it's ugliness and giving back to it, beauty. As one of the most beautiful love songs says "Give her rain and she will find a rainbow, give her thorns and she will find a Rose...... Just see the Love she found in me.
Is this heart a blessing or a curse? The heart that loves everyone and sees wonder and laughter and smiles, even through tears. The one that says "Every single minute of every day is Valentines for me. Every moonlit night created for my use and all the Sunrises and Every single Sunset, made just for me. Made so that I can love many and never let anyone feel as if they are not the most precious Gem in the World. That is the romantic heart. Beautiful!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Novels and Me...

I have been writing for the better part of 35 years. I wrote my first novel when I was 15. We lived in the mountains of British Columbia Canada and so it seemed easy for me to write a novel about just such a family. The story grew as the years passed and I dreamed of maybe one day seeing the novel in print. Many years later, after a move to the States, a stint in the Air Force and marriage to my sweetheart, I began to write again. I started a short story about a ghost and her quest for a final resting place. It was 80 pages and on a whim... o.k. at the insistence of my loving family, I submitted it to a publisher. They read it and sent it back, asking me to please expand it to novel size. I decided to try my writing again.
In between the writing of course was life, children, a wife who was very ill and work. It didn't leave much time for writing so i bought a laptop and began taking it with me when Sheila and I would travel to hospitals far away. She would have sometimes 4 or 5 appointments a day for 3 or 4 days at places like Mayo Clinic in Rochester Mn. I would write while waiting for her at the appointments that were tests, in which I could not be with her. At night, after appointments were done and we had eaten, there was often 12 to 14 hours before her next appointment. I would use the time that she was sleeping or resting after a rough day of extensive tests, to write in the novel. The novel was 3/4's finished when I started writing another novel. A thought had crossed my mind and so away I went with the thought.
I didn't touch "Christine", the original name for Until Death Do We Meet at all while I penned the second Novel, Abduction. Two months later, Abduction was finished and I sent it out to publishers.It was picked up immediately and was published and in bookstores in 8 months. My dream, the one I really wanted to see in print, "Christine" still sat on my desk, unpublished. I decided to submit it and this novel too was picked up and 9 months and a name change later, I held "Until Death Do We Meet" in my hands. What a fantastic feeling that was for me.
Today, i sit here, wondering to myself what it takes to "get the novels read." I do my book signings, which I love so much. Few things are as wonderful as signing a novel of your own for someone that came out just to get your novel. It takes a person to places few can ever imagine. I talk about them and show them off. I make sales but none steady. The novels have never received a bad rating or review. I own all the latest "How to market your book" books and get information from on-line sources to try and boost their sales. Word of mouth they tell me sells and so i talk, talk, talk them up. But today, sitting here, thinking of the two that are finished and waiting to be printed, the one I write in now and one that will surely follow that one. Is there a secret to becoming a number one best seller? IS there a formula that I have not found yet that will open doors and have my novels spoken or, written about by the New York Times? How long before I realize my dream?
I have already been so blessed just in having published two novels. I do know this. I will continue to try and make it all happen. Just some open thoughts from my heart and mind to share with you. I hope you don't mind... And by the way, "The North Wind Calls" still sits on my desk, unpublished. Perhaps one day... Always, Darrel

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Just some thoughts...

I sit here tonight, heart uncertain where it wishes to be. I watched a show tonight they made my mind wander. Elvis Presley was featured tonight and an avid fan of the King, of course I watched it. As I watched and listened to those that loved him so, their words were of pure love. Even when they spoke of his short comings, their words were softened and filled with love. His daughter Lisa spoke of her father as the man she knew and remembered. The love was so pure and so complete. Some songs brought tears to my eyes as they touched me personally inside.
My daughter Shannon sat and watched the show with me. I sat and listened to her talk about Elvis. She was raised knowing who he was and hearing his songs and his story through her mother and I. She spoke of the great man he was and how sad it was how he lived and died. He had changed in his years of life and living. He had gained so much weight and he had become so sad and alone. How very sad. But even she spoke of the great man he was and all he had done in his life.
Suddenly it hit me inside like a sledge-hammer. I thought about my life and the life that my daughters had witnessed as they grew up. I began to remember the things we did when they were children. I remembered the times I would close my eyes tight and try to find my two little girls. They would run through the living room and dining room, giggling, yet trying so hard for me not to find them. A sort of "Marco Polo" outside of a pool. I remember being on my knees, crawling around and trying to grab them as they raced by me. The time I dove out to grab one of them, forgetting about the solid Oak door jams, until my head found one solidly. Ouchhhhh! hearing them laugh so hard and doing my best not to show the pain that was now pounding in my head. Laughing so hard and them reaching out and grabbing them both and pulling them down to me and hugging them. I thought about the fishing trips we took so often. There were trips to the Black Hills in South Dakota, camping trips and Sesame Street Live and Concerts we went too. Trips to Omaha to the Henry Dorley Zoo and Minnesota, to the Mall of American.
Then I found myself thinking about the time that things... life, began to change for me. Break-downs, depression and me leaving for a little while. I think about the bipolar setting in deeply and our little family suddenly tossed into a whirl wind of me losing grip on life. The pain I brought to them by my own weaknesses. Those same girls now watching their father cry. Seeing me go through so many times of not coping. Life in every way changed forever for them. Hating myself now and back then for hurting them by not being able to hold myself together. The knowing that I had been responsible for hurting their mother. So many thoughts tore through my heart as I remembered, and I suddenly wondered what would they remember of me. Will they sit and talk about me when I go to heaven in the way that Lisa and Priscilla spoke of Elvis? Will they remember the Zoo and the trips to Mount Rushmore and talk of me in a soft understanding voice. Will their words speak in tones of love and respect and of kindness?
I sit here tonight, tears in my eyes, remembering the befores and the things I have accomplished in this lifetime. Being a good father to them. Always teaching them to share their kindness with others. The deep true love and compassion I had for and with their mother. A two time published author and writing and recording songs for a CD. A strong man that worked his butt off every day and was faithful to his job, but still had time to be a father and show them love. Will they remember the man that woke each day and got 2 little babies dressed, making certain they would see their mommy at the hospital every day, then went to work till midnight, stopped in to see his wife in the hospital again and came home to start the day over again? That same man that kept their meds and everything needed to know about them in his head, tucked up there with 15 meds and the dosages and a medical history as long as ones arm about their mother so no matter when or where , he could make sure she had the very best of medical attention... or will they remember the man that later on had trouble even making a simple decision about buying a cake or ordering a meal?
Will they remember the good things or will they close their eyes at night and remember the weak man that lost his way in life and caused their hearts to hurt because of his ways? Will they find compassion and speak softly and gentle about me or will they only see a man that fought to stay in this world daily and some days could not hardly make it through a day with out crying. Who will they remember? This will be my hearts thoughts as I fall to sleep tonight.Sighssssss... What Legacy will I leave for my daughters? Was I a great father to them? I know I have loved them the very best I could. The two most important people in my life. I wonder what they will remember?????????

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Spring does come back...

We have been here before, many times I think. But still I return because sometimes things you heard or knew long ago take time to settle into your mind. Seasons... there are four of them, as you know. I have spoken of how friends come into our lives for a season. they touch our lives, open doors and sometimes come to help us close doors that were otherwise to hard for us to do ourselves. We go through different seasons with them depending on why they are in our lives for that time.
So what is new or different about the seasons today? I was sitting thinking about a friend who has been a part of life throughout the seasons. We shared the Spring-time when feelings were nurtured and fed and we watch the beautiful growth of a friendship. Just like the flowers that sprout forth in the Spring, so did our friendship. Imagine the colors of the tulips if you will. A little snow still covering the ground but melting away day by day as the Sun warms the ground. That friendship was filled with red and blue and purple and yellow. The bright hues bringing color to everything around. The smiles at seeing the friendship grow in the warmth of caring.
Summer broke through next. the searing heat that flowed into the friendship, changing feelings from the warmth of caring to the heat of passion. Nights of hot upon hot, breathing labored and the searing of hearts with just a touch. never wanting it to end and yet seeking shelter sometimes from the sheer heat. Protection of a Sun block, afraid that we might be burned. Knowing there might be pain but venturing out into the heat time and time again, the desires so intense.
Fall... Autumn to some people. The slow down of the heated days and nights. The knowing that the hot days of summer have come to an end. No longer do you run out into the sunshine. Now, we embrace the warm days and enjoy the cooler evenings. not certain how to dress from day to day because some days the days turn cool fast and then heat up for just a moment, as if we are trying to hold on to some of the Summers heat, afraid that winter will come to soon. Fall... a time to sit alone outside on the swing and breathe in the new air. Still, some of Summer lingers within our hearts, but Fall now has taken over. the colors are different and though they are beautiful in their own way, they signify the end of a season and the promise of cold and winter.
Winter, sudden and harsh, breathes it chill down our necks and stings our faces a bit. We cover ourselves a bit more to ward off the cold we know will come. That friendship that blossomed into Sweet Summer and sizzled for us, replaced by a cool breeze that leaves us unsure of where we are to go now. Winter brings on the time that weather often prevents us from seeing those we love each day. plans made that are sometimes cancelled because of too much winter. Wanting that is replaced by the task of keeping the snow from burying us alive. Working so to get rid of the snow that has covered everything beautiful now. Alone with only a cup of coffee to warm us inside. False warmth from the cold that is only kept from touching us by a window. A window that allows us to see and remember what Spring looked like but not to touch it any longer.
So what is different from what I have said before? Why do I add to these Metaphors and Similes I use so often to describe where I am? This morning, as i looked out at the snow and the ice that Winter has brought to us already, i saw a place that the ice melt had opened. I could see the sidewalk and the grass that grows next to it. It reminded me that Spring DOES come back around. There may be new flowers and a new look to what was last Spring. BUT... there are also the familiar tulips that were there last Spring. There is still the caring and the desire to warm the ground around the Tulips so they can come forth. We haven't lost what was ours for the Spring and Summer. It simply is covered by Winters snow. The friendship and caring that we hold in our hearts will emerge with Springs touch. You have had the Winter to rest and think about it. No Spring is the same as the year before. There are new flowers now. Some that blossom from the previous and some that the wind blew in from somewhere else. All awaiting the springs Sun to give them life. Friendships that will always be and caring that will never cease.
Seasons: They come and they go but for certain, they will always be... Always, Darrel.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Give thanks...

I woke this morning a bit disconnected.Not truly lost nor alone, simply feeling out of my time. I watched a bit of the news this morning. Fatal crashes from our icy road conditions, a sick baby girl, whose family is asking for help were the two main topics of the morning. But there was one more that disturbed me and brought back to me thoughts and emotions I had been carrying with me for a week or more. The media was talking about the recession and people were on the Tele talking about how they wondered what they would do for money concerning their kids' presents for birthdays and how much they wished they had NOT spent at Christmas. I sat up and listened closely to one lady say she was going to have to sell off her "200" pairs of shoes she had. A man was talking about his assets and how he would survive the recession by liquidating some of his assets. He felt it important that his children were not deprived of the life style they are used to living.
I suppose another time this would have slipped right by me but today... it did not. Thinking of why their attitudes impacted me so, memories of a book I have been reading came rushing back at me. I do not read so often as when i am writing novels I do not like anothers writing to influence my thoughts. I was in between projects and so I read a book I had read many years ago. The story is about a young German girl and her family that during the Nazi attack on the Jews, took refuge in an Annexe of a warehouse.They lived there for better than two years and this young girl kept a Diary of her daily life, hidden inside the walls of this warehouse. She was a writer at heart and would have become world known for her novels I am certain. She did become renowned through out the entire world but only for her Diary. She didn't even live long enough to see her writing become as famous as her name. I am of course writing about Anne Frank.
Anne Frank... A young girl that came from a well to do family. A young girl whose life was turned inside out but wrote of the good things she learned and how easily she had taken so many things for granted. The sounds of a bird chirping, the smell of fresh air and the feel of rain on her face. Simple things that happen daily and go un-noticed at least half of the time that we ourselves experience them. She lived without food sometimes for days. She lived or I should say survived daily in unsafe, unsanitary, to be honest, unlivable conditions and yet still wrote to "Kitty" her diary, every day. Birthdays came as did Christmas and her gifts were that of sugar and potato's and sprays from a bottle of her mothers perfume. Her nights were plagued with bombs exploding all around and her days with hunger pains and fright that they might be discovered.
They were discovered, more betrayed by someone they knew for 1.24 in American money. The family was taken to Austwitch where Anne saw her friends led into the gas chambers. Anne Frank died in March of 1945 from Typhus. Two months later, the camps were liberated. She never knew that one day, her name would become a household name and that the world would come to know her as if she were their sister.
I sit and think about the people I saw on T.V. The man worried that his family might not have All they were so used to. The woman concerned with birthday gifts for her kids. I hear people complain about how "tough" things are right now and how much they have to cut back on just to survive. I listen and I close my eyes. I pray a prayer of thanks to God for all that I have. I thank him for the food I eat daily. I thank him for the books I read, the things I buy and even the computer I use right now to write this for you. And I think, Rough??? You have not even touched the tip of the Iceberg. The country may in fact be in some "tough" times but if you have a roof over your head and food to feed and fill your tummy, then count those blessings. If you are reading this blog without censorship, if you are eating what you like and going to the church of your choice, then you have not seen "Rough" yet.
The next time you think things are so bad here, stop for a minute and think of Anne and her family. Think about all she DID NOT Have and yet she endured and lived her life as best as she could in that tiny Annexe that was her home for more than two years. She never stopped believing and never stopped writing. And Stop... and thank God for the beauty of freedom that we have. DO not take for granted all that God has given to us. Always, Darrel

Sunday, January 4, 2009

No tommorws, just a string of todays.

Tomorrows... though we have no promise of them, they do sometimes come. they come to us until there is simply no more. Our tomorrows are sometimes a gathering of new items, new issues that began just because the night turned to day. Some of them are a carry over from the day before or even the week before. I sit and wonder this morning what we would do if the night and day did NOT separate our yesterdays. What would be our actions if every day was simply a continuation of the moment or hours before.
We wake and hear that saying. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." But what if it were not? Let's imagine for a minute that it is in fact just a continuing of hours and years. Would we live our lives differently? When I go to sleep at night, I say my prayers and ask God to watch over all of those I hold dear. I ask him to forgive me for any wrong I did during the day. Then I roll over and fall asleep, content that tomorrow is a new day and all that was... is now the past. But in reality, it is just a matter of dark vs. light that separates what we have done in a day. Being content that I have said sorries in my heart and spoken to God about my oop's of the day, I sleep.
This morning I woke up with a different thought process. I remembered what I had done yesterday. I played it out in my mind as if the day had never ended at all. And I saw things differently. That attitude I had for an hour or so, the one that hurt someones feelings, was the only thing gone about it. The hurt I had inflicted was still there. Sleeping had not erased it at all. We take a "nap" in the afternoon when we have the chance. When we wake, we continue with the day or evening where ever we left off. Sleep at night is only a nap exaggerated. It is really just a longer nap, that's all. Still, all that we did yesterday and yester-year is still there.
What transpired in my life, many years ago have made me the man i am today. Had life been different, so then would I have been different.Had I been born to a third world country, my life might have been one of struggles and fears and strife. Had I been born to a millionaires family, certainly I would not be who I am today. And yet, still all that happened to me, no matter what life i lived would still have made me the man I would become. I am bipolar and have turrets and some of the reason is because of events I care not to share here, at this time. But I am who i am not because every day started brand new for me. I am ME because every day did NOT start new. They were simply a continuation of the day before, over and over again. For good or bad, I became me.
Imagine if you will for just a moment that tomorrow did not exist. Imagine that today will be today forever and that you will simply "nap" and then the day will go on, eternally. Would you live a different life? Tomorrows Homework is not due tomorrow, it is due Today!{Often the way my daughters viewed when the best time to tell mom and dad of a massive project they had not yet started. lol} There would not be the "grace" period that we often allow ourselves to finish something. The sorrow we caused someone would not be erased with a nights sleep. We would need to go that person and try to make it right. We could not just brush yesterday off our shoulders and go on.
Would i live my life differently? I would like to think not. I would want to tell myself that I did things exactly as I meant to. But no, that would not be true. I would stay to fix whatever wrong I had done. I would love with more zeal and give of myself more if I wasn't able to say "I will do that TOMORROW!" I would strive harder to do things right so that I did not have to lose momentum trying to fix the previous hours wrongs. I would live life as we should be living it. Living it like there was No Tomorrow.I think we would not take for granted our friends or our loves or what we do with each day.
Today I woke and yesterday was still with me. A yesterday of tears for those not with me any longer. A yesterday of smiles I did not return to someone. A Yesterday of tears I did not share with someone that loves me. Unfinished affairs that now halt my desire to go on to today. "Live today like there is no tomorrow." "Tell someone you love them." Do what you want to do as if today is the ONLY day you have to do it. Bring yesterday along with you as if it were today. Do NOT let anything pass you by that might cause someone to smile. I don't know if today will be the "first" day of the rest of my life but I do know it will be the start of my forever. Hugsss to you all. Always, Darrel

Friday, January 2, 2009

A New year with the same Mind!!!

It is now the New year! 2009. Welcome to 2009... and Welcome to My World.A world where time passes and you watch it happening. A world of personifying the words "net-surfing." A world, My world sub-named "planet Bipolar." This is a place that is partly responsible for causing those that love us grief. They sit, waiting for us, ready to leave for an appointment or to go home or to the store. I sit here this morning, a loved ones worst nightmare, knowing I should be doing wash, making an important phone call, finishing what was started yesterday and needs finishing today. I look at my watch and see the time slip past. The anxiety inside of my body causing me to shake a bit and make my breathing a little faster than it need be.Why don't I just get up and do the things I know will calm me? Why do I watch time go by, allowing myself to get tensed with fear that someone else will do what I am supposed to do, even though I am NOT doing it myself right now? Again I say, welcome to my world.
If you have a loved one that leaves you exactly where I am describing right now, be kind and patient. Yes, I know, sometimes there really isn't time to be patient. Sometimes there are meetings to be at or things to pick up from the store that will close soon. Believe me, you yelling at us and reminding us of things we already know will NOT make us move faster. And if it does, we will be unbearable for the next hour, week maybe even days. My family has adapted the "Oops" strategy. What is that, you asked? That is when We arrive,late, as usual and per my inability to make the decision to leave the house. Late by my watch but a half of am hour EARLY according to the rest of the families watches. Why? Because, "Oops, did we say 1:00 o'clock? We meant to say 1:30." Yes, they give me a false time to be somewhere and My mind doesn't struggle so much to say "Hmmm, is that the correct time or a fake time so we will be there on time?" This really does work and it saves my family a lot of "sorry we are lates."
Understand if you can try that we do not purposefully want to be late. We do not go out of our way to screw up your day.The ability to make a simple decision to leave somewhere, anywhere at the precise time we were planning to is a huge battle for people that are bipolar. I have written of this before. The fact that the Holidays are over and we are most likely coming down from a huge euphoric high, wandering aimlessly into what is sure to be a nasty Low, does not help in any way. So here we sit, all i know needing done today, phone calls that should have been made, laundry still untouched. Anxietic as Hell and yet doing nothing to fix it because... because my brain simply hasn't processed it enough for me act. I will, I assure you.
Why do I write this today? Because this morning I woke up in MY world. A world of confusion and wonder and fear and smiles. A world that is unlike the world most live in. A place that leaves me unable to do a damn thing but sit here and tell you about it all. Hoping that the writing will open my world up enough to where I can function. I write in hopes that in the new year, you will have a better understanding of the loved one you share your life with. trying to give you a heads up so that there need not be cruel things said or anger flared because that loved one simply can not get "moving" as you may have already said to them. Just a little help for you both. Hugsssssss to you all. Always, Darrel

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