Friday, January 23, 2009

When Life Changes...Forever

Many read my blogs and see a man that had a few issues that caused him to sway a bit from time to time. I write openly about so many things and yet there are always things that go unsaid. Sheila was my strength and even today, 3 years after she went to heaven, I still hold to that strength and rely on it. As I said before, the bipolar part was growing without me really seeing it. I felt it more than recognized it consciously. A past tainted with wrongs done to me and a life of what I called perfect mixed my thoughts long ago. Even as I write, readers see the "abstract" jumping around, though to me... it is in perfect order. One event would not be present had the others not been a part of me before them. After all, a road isn't called a road until it has first been traveled.
Sheila and I continued to live our lives with love and vim. We loved every minute and did things many thought impossible. That word did not even exist in our life. Pulmonary Embolisms threatened to take me to heaven first. The last one took something from me. It scared me and I thought surely I would die. I wasn't ready to leave and God graced me by allowing me to stay. But again, something inside of me changed. I wasn't the me i had been for so long. Scared of falling asleep and not waking became a part of my life. One or two hours of sleep, only when absolutely needed was my sleep pattern. It still remains that way today. I found myself confused and feeling lost most of my days. I drew away from my family and found safety in the Internet. Nothing there could harm me and I could escape from my fears for a time. I thought to that I had found a friend in someone there and even met her with my family.And then, I fell. I, still loving the most precious gift in life, cheated with someone else. The results were devastating and Sheila and I split for a time.
Split. To some, many that knew us, it wasn't something anyone would even know to look at us. I still helped her to bed. I still took her to the bathroom and we still kissed goodnight and said "I love you." What was different was me. I won't claim innocence nor will i place the blame anywhere it does not belong. I had lost all self-esteem and no longer felt worthy to be Sheila's source of strength or life. I was only good enough for someone that had no real need of me and I had convinced myself of that.The affair did not last long but I had broke the heart of the woman that would love me forever. Convinced also that she would leave me one day, I went first.
Looking back, and with some therapy, I understand now that the disorder added to my Lows and to the feeling of not being good enough for anyone as precious as Sheila. I also found that it was increasingly harder all the time to "live" with anyone 24/7. My love for sheila was still forever, though many doubted that fact. But I knew inside of me where my heart and my forever was. Confusion became my constant companion and our life was changed forever. the only certainties I had were these. I would never "leave" Sheila, I would love her forever, and i had committed the worst sin against this woman a man could ever do. That sin, in my lost mind, was unforgivable. Once done, it could never be made right, taken back or forgotten. Only her undieing love for me and her unconditional want to share our lives gave me any peace. We lived separate lives yet spent 20 hours a day together. Doesn't make sense? IT did to us and does to me. I started my day with her and spent until 10 at night helping her go to the restroom and shower and stayed in the hospital rooms with her whenever she went back in. As i said earlier, to most looking in, we were as together as we had always been. Only we knew how much our lives had changed.
And Only God knew then that our time together here on Earth was growing shorter...
Tomorrow, if you still even desire to continue to read the words of this man, the man that hurt someone so beautiful and true, I will tell you more of the life I shared with an Angel. Always, Darrel


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