Things I Learned About Bipolar Today.

Bipolar. Not a word that I nor my readers are unfamiliar with seeing here in my blog. I talk of it freely here and never give it another thought. So why am I writing again?
Something happened today that both shocked and confused me. I was in Poker on line and a terrible Low set in from no-where. There was no warning, as is usually the case but there was something more this time. As the Low took over my thoughts and actions, the mood apparently became noticeable to those that were at the same table as me. I found myself "off" somewhere else and had to concentrate very hard to play my cards. I lost over and over again. The anxieties were filling me with emotions and fright. Those that I call friends at the table questioned what was wrong. As I usually do when asked, I began to type the answer. I was telling them what was happening at that very moment. So... what is so different from that and any other day. I tell people almost daily about this disorder I have.
What was different? As I typed to tell them, complete and total embarrassment over took me. I began to cry, though they had no way of knowing that. My fears welled up and I thought to myself that perhaps they would do as so many do... shun me. I merely told them that I had a little disorder that flares up and makes me sad now and then. They were kind and I was thankful for their kindness. One said very little at all. So totally embarrassed that I had told them anything, I found myself not even knowing what cards I was playing. Losing terribly, I found myself wishing I could hide my issues from them. I did not tell them it was Bipolar and I did not say I have Turret's either. I was amazed at the embarrassment that settled inside of me. God, how I wanted them NOT to see me this. I was never so happy there was a screen between us. This disorder has so many sides to it. There are things that after so many, many years of living with Bipolar and all that comes with it, still take me by surprise. This was one of them. I lost control of myself and of my emotions. I was vulnerable and crying so hard. Still trying to work through this one, I am not sure where it will take me today. Already I am feeling all the effects of this damned disorder. My day is shot and doubts about things like love and friends and who I am. God, I hate this disorder.
To those in Poker that follow my blog, I say I am so sorry. I tell you here what I could not at the table. I will spend my day and evening pondering all of this. I will pray you don't but my "bipolar" mind tells me you WILL look at me differently when you see me again. I can not control the Lows nor the "highs." they come and go as they please.
Embarrassed... Hmmm. I didn't know this until today at that Poker Table that it embarrassed me to talk about it. I so want to be like everyone else but sadly, I Am not. Welcome to My World. A world of confusion and uncertainties. A world few would survive in and even fewer want to see.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for taking time out to read this.
Always I am, Simply Darrel.