Monday, March 31, 2008

more about long term use of some medications.

I know I can not possibly list every drug that has harmful side effects both before and after long term use. I will try when I write to touch on those that I have had personal experiences from. Please understand that I am in no way trying to tell you to stop taking ANY medications you are on. That is for you and your doctor to discuss. I am trying to give you some insight that perhaps you don't know or have forgotten you were told by a pharmacist or medical provider.
I remember that last night as if it is happening as I write. My Sheila was so ill and in so much pain. But after 24 years of seeing her recover from things NO ONE seemed to recover from, I had no thoughts that when I kissed her as she went into surgery, that it would be the second to the last kiss we would have. The last was when she went to heaven 4 hours later. I had been told for 20 years that it would not be the disease that took her from me. It would be the effects of the long term use of the medications she so needed to live. Seems to me so much an Oxy-moron to say the meds she needed to live would also eventually take her life. Steriods such as Medrol and Prednizone, which kept her disease in check more times than any had very harsh long term effects. When I asked the surgeon why he couldn't save her... Told him he had to save her or i would be lost forever, he explained this to me. The medications she had been on for so many years had finally destroyed the lining of her intestines. They had perforated and left her system septic with poisons. There was nothing left to do but be with her until she went to heaven that night.
Yes, she needed them to live... but they in the end took her from me. This is why I say "Do NOT just stop taking something you are on because of what you read here. But if you have new knowledge then talk with your doctor. That is what he is there for.
Another I know of and walked through very recently was Zocor, a statin used to control cholestrol and tryclicerides. The name is only one of many statins used today. Lipitor, Crestor and Lescol are some others used very heavily today. You are told when you start them that they may cause muscle cramps, abodominal pain, headache, nausea, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, headache, rash, and weakness. These are all very real side effects and caused me NOT to be able to take statins for my Cholestrol control.
One side effect that is rarely mentioned but hit close to home is Rhabdomyolysis. This disease is very real and less than a year ago almost cost my father his life. His muscles were weakening and he was urinating less and less all the time. The family finally told him he really needed to see his doctor. By the time he was being seen, his kidneys had shut down. he was sent to CCU and measures were taken to try and reactivate his kidneys. Through God, Prayer and some very knowledgeble doctors at the Mercy Medical Center in Mason City, Iowa my father regained the use of his kidneys. He was hospitalized for almost a month and yes, we nearly lost him. The long term effects from a medication meant to extend his life was nearly the death of him. Very few of the millions of people that are on statins truly know the depth of the effects these meds can have on their body.
I will include a site that might help other people on meds for depression or being bipolar. I hope that my writings will help awaken the world to things they are taking into their bodies and the effects they "may" have on them.

Again, I want to say that if you feel you are having new pains or aches, see your doctor. He can help you through this issue or issues. Remember, there is no question that can not be asked of your physician. You deserve and have the "right' to know.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My first Award... What a treasured gift.

This award was given to me by Wynn and is so very special to me. Things such as this Award give to me the courage to continue writing about the things I know about in life. It is one I will keep with me forever. Thank you from my heart for this award, Wynn. Always, Darrel

Things I know about long term effects of medication...

I have spoken so often of My Sheila and things I learned from being with her. One doesn't love and walk with a chronically ill loved one and not see the effects of the medications in different ways and places. It is a phrase that becomes second nature to watch for and to ask about when careing for that loved one. Have you ever sat in front of the television and found yourself shaking your head at a commercial for any number of medications being advertised? Shaking your head and maybe even saying aloud "Oh yeaaaa, I want to take that one! All I have to worry about is stomach aches, cramping, feelings of bloating or nausea, muscle discomfort or blurred vision." they end it with "some side-effects may include depression or increased thoughts of suicide. See your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms." Oh... you think?????
I have admittedly, found myself laughing at some of the incredibly long lists of side effects to some medications. The problem is... it really isn't funny at all. There are medications, and Not just prescription meds, that can cause very serious long term health issues and even death. Many of them are pills taken each and every day by millions of people and the ones taking them don't even have a clue.
I am going to spend a blog or two on just this subject because I think it is something that is important enough to warrant the space and time. It might even save a life. What I tell you here is not something I worry about being chastised for as it is medically known. It is the fact that it isn't always "commonly" know. If I were selling a product and I didn't want to scare my customer away, I might not write the bad things in Bold lettering either. And when was the last time you read that 3 page info sheet that comes with your meds? Yea, me either for a long time.
Coming from a family of medical issues, medications have been a part of our world for a long time. What my father did not pass on to my siblings and I, mother filled in with. What I did not give to my daughters, Sheila gave to them. We pass along so much of our medical history to our children and they too will follow suit. High cholestrol, high blood preasure and muscle cramps or headaches such as migraines are a part of our make-up and sometimes daily issues. We have often said if a local pharmacy runs low on a med, they call us for refills. We smile but do know in fact it isn't a joke. We do take it seriously, as should you.
I will talk about one now that you may or may not know about. This information however could save your life. The leading seller in over the counter pain relievers is silently killing people and they don't even know it. Acetaminophen is used world wide. People sometimes take far beyond the "normal" or "recommended" dosage of this pain reliever, most often in the form of Tylenol. This medicine is known by the producers of the medicine to cause not only long term health issues with your organs, especially the Liver, but few know this fact.
My liver profile was abnormal and caused my Doctor to question why. What pill was I on to cause this was a huge concern. None that we could find right away. The only thing I could offer for help was the fact that I was taking in the upwards of 10,000 to 15,000 mgs of this medicine a day for cramps and in general pain. Suddenly it became very clear where the issues I was having were coming from. The side effects from taking so many Tylenol was that it was destroying my Liver. Silently and for certain, this "over the counter" pain reliever was killing me. According to Earl L. Mindell and his studies, Acetaminophen is a leader in liver failure. The end results of this side effect can be death. I backed off on my use of the Tylenol and began taking it as prescribed, in Normal doses and my Liver profile went back to normal. That is a huge plus to me. I am doing better and feeling good about disclosing what may be unknown information to you. this is only one such medication that carries with it a very high price for long term usage of it.
I will post this and write more in just a bit. I hope that I have helped someone get a little bit wiser today. Darrel

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Another beautiful site that will touch your hearts... Angels are everywhere.

Here, for your smiles and warmth is a site that is filled with love, inspiration and the knowledge that Angels walk beside and among us each and every day. She will inspire you with her stories and thrill you with her gift of love. I am a forever fan of this lady. Please stop in and say hello. You will walk away feeling lighter and smiling. Darrel

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A few reviews from readers of my novels...

Here are just a few reviews that came in for my two novels. I love seeing them as they encourage me to keep writing. Thanks to all who have read my novels and a special thanks for the reviews.The first reviews are for Abduction.
Customer Reviews
Number of Reviews: 8
Average Rating: 5 stars

Linda, A reviewer, 01/16/2008

I have to say once I picked up this book I couldn't put it down. I read this in 2 days and can't wait for the next one. It has you in suspense from beginning to end. When I pick up a book and lose interest in it at the beginning I just never finish reading, this book however has you locked in from the beginning. The way it was written was excellent , going from one place to another. I believe that's what keeps you reading. An excellent book that I would recommend highly to those who love suspense.

Also recommended: I have also read Until Death Do We Meet which is another excellent book. Another book that I couldn't put down and would recommend.

Absolutely fantastic!
Janice Brodie, a retired nurse and author of poems, 05/05/2006

I'm reading Abduction by D. R. Day and it is so good, I can't put it down, I just started it and am already half-way through! A must read if you like mysteries, and I love them! Buy it, you'll be so glad you did!

Also recommended: I also enjoyed Till Death Do We Meet by D R Day, it's just simply awesome! I read it in just a few days, and it keeps you on the edge all the way thru it!

Abduction is a must-read!
Kelsi Galley (, a crime novel enthusiast!, 10/23/2005

This is one of the better books that I have read in quite sometime! It was full of raw emotion and some really distrubing details! I LOVED IT! This author is truly gifted, I just couldn't stop reading it! Watch out for DR Day! He is going to be one of the greats and I don't say that lightly!

Very Well Written Book
A reviewer (, A reviewer, 09/19/2005

This book was very well written. It explains very well in detail and it also makes you want to keep reading and not put the book down.

Journey with a madman...
Denise Misencik, an author;, 05/29/2005

The helpless fear known to those who've had a child missing can only be made worse by one thing: when physical evidence of that child's torture is delivered to you. That's the horror that Police Chief Johnathon Campbell is dealing with. This thrilling page-turner takes you on a journey through hell with crystal clear descriptions that leave no doubt as to the madness of evil. I was as much a prisoner to this book as the young abductees in the story. Great read!

captivating reading
Michelle (, an avid reader, 02/02/2005

what an outstanding novel .i read it from cover to cover , it was too hard to put it down ,dramatic and suspenseful understates the story and oh i hated for it to end ....hurry with the sequel mr Day

Awesome Book
Sheila, A reviewer, 12/21/2004

D. R. Day wrote an awesome book. It is a book that I would re-read. The characters come to life right before your eyes. I will be looking forward to reading more books.

Also recommended: James Patterson's Violets are Blue.

Your worst fears..., May 29, 2005
By Denise Misencik "Author - Bound by Honor" (Burlington, WA USA) - See all my reviews

The helpless fear known to those who've had a child missing can only be made worse by one thing: when physical evidence of that child's torture is delivered to you. That's the horror that Police Chief Johnathon Campbell is dealing with. This thrilling page-turner takes you on a journey through hell with crystal clear descriptions that leave no doubt as to the madness of evil. I was as much a prisoner to this book as the young abductees in the story. Great read! Comment | Permalink | Was this review helpful to you? (Report this)

Very Mysterious and Action Packed, January 16, 2005
By Orion - See all my reviews

The first 3 chapters of this book has everything great suspense and mystery a lot of emotion a loving father trying to find his daughter and blaming the boy that loves her for her kidnapping it has a lot of mystery in it as well the mystery woman that kidnapped his daughter has yet to be revealed this is a great book I suggest anyone looking for a great mystery/drama should check it out Comment | Permalink | Was this review helpful to you? (Report this)

Great book, April 6, 2006
By Shelly R. Wilson "Shelly R. Wilson" (Mertens, Texas) - See all my reviews

This is a very good book. It is full of suspence and kept me on my toes. I didn't want to put the book down. It was about a stubborn cop father and daughter. Because of his inability to let his daughter choose her destiny, they got into a big mess. I won't tell what happens. You'll have to buy the book to find out. It's worth it. Shelly Wilson author of What's Wrong with MY Child? Struggling with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Mr. Day is going places!!! Good Luck!

The reviews for Until Death Do We Meet...

Customer Reviews
Number of Reviews:
Average Rating: 5 stars
Write a Review

Mary Monaco, A reviewer, 06/08/2006

wonderfully written novel and not at all what you might think it would be like.Not your average love story as there is quite a bit of drama and mystery involved as well.sure hated to see it end

Also recommended: i also enjoyed 'Abduction' by this autor who is listed as D.R.Day on this novel

Must Read
Heather (, A reviewer, 04/06/2006

I gave this a 5 star review because I believe that it is a must read and that it was very well written. Things were very well in order and some scenes showed a lot of passion and respect for the living and the ghosts. I believe that this book receives a 5 star rating. the way it was written and is read you could easily put it to a real life situation in a lot of occasions. I do recommend this book along with Abduction.

Also recommended: Abduction also written by D. R. Day

Monday, March 24, 2008

Continueing from Guilt and Regrets...

I spoke of the Guilt that I felt over so many things with Sheila. The inability to watch her hurt as I had for so many years. The needing a place to be where I was able to feel disconnected from all that made me feel guilty. And through it all i learned that a "doorway" or a wall was not ever going to keep those feelings away. My love for her was simply too strong and yet, there I was. The guilt, the hatred of the man I had become and the feelings of unworthiness had taken over where strength had once stood.
And were there regrets in all of this? I might say Are in place of were for that question. My answer of course would be Yes! I have heard something said to me by a million people, including Sheila's Doctor, who happens to be my doctor also. "You gave her 29 more years than the doctors gave her just by loving her." "You made her life more enriched and gave her reason to live and endure all the pain just because you loved her they way you did." "Without you, she would have been in a home or worse." All of these words mean very little when you are Me. Yes, I stayed beside her for 60 days without going home when she was in a coma. Yes, I never once let her feel as if she were too much for me. And YES!!!!!, we lived the life of adventurers and saw the world while living. Ours was a love for all times... the fairytale love that would'nt fade when the last star went out. but did it all pale in the light of where I went?
My regrets were never the life we lived. Regret is defined as a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction. It is a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault or an act one has done. And the strongest definition of Regret is this: {A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.}
When the Bipolar really took hold of me, though it had been there for a very long, long time, I did things that I can NOT ever now take back. To me, guilt becomes Regret when the things you feel guilty for can no longer be fixed or changed. When My Sheila went to heaven... the chance to make things better, to make a very worng a right again was no longer within my grasp. I could not turn to her anymore and say "I am sorry, My Love." I would never be able to celebrate our 25th anniversary, only 6 months away from the day she went to heaven, the way I had planned in my silly little bipolar mind. I could not LOOK at her and touch her face and say "I love you more than I love life itself."
I told her weeks before she went to heaven, not ever believing she would leave me, that I was still In Love with her. I told her that no matter where I was or what I had done, I was still her man and she would always be my girl. She told me her love was for me only for ever. Oh how I cried that night when i got back to my side of the duplex. I wanted to be all I had failed to be for her. I wanted to never let her think for a moment that my love for her wasn't everything it had always been. But I could not now. I CAN not now! Yesss, I know... She knows. I hear that each and every day too. But it isn't the same.
I regret having needed to live alone as such. I regret not reuniting and living in one single dwelling as man and wife as we had for 20+ years. I regret, as the definition says, that things could not have been made different before she went to heaven. I live with this each and every single minute of my life. How I want to reach out and pull her from heaven... to hold her and tell her how MUCH I miss her and love her. How I am sorry for breaking her heart and hurting her because i was too weak to stand tall sometimes.People looked at us and said "He is such a good man. He is so strong for her and stands by her always. He is such an angel."
They just have to turn it around. She was MY strength, She was the strong one and SHE was such a good woman. She was everything the world thought I was. She was and still remains My Angel. And I REGRET that I can not change what I did now because regret comes in it's strongest form AFTER it is Too late to make a wrong... a right.
And the tears I cried while I wrote this for you, the tears I cry at night for what I can not forgive myself for, perhaps make me just a little bit more worthy...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Things I know about Guilt and Regret...

As I sit here this morning, the sun barely showing itself, thoughts flood my mind. The words Guilt and Regret slammed into my head and I wonder how different they really are. Guilt is defined in brief as "state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done)." Regret has the meaning of "a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss or disappointment." It is also a sense of dissatisfaction.
It appears to me that the two words are very much alike and yet when applied to life, they are not so similar. I take you to a lifetime of love and care-giving. A story you have read about before and yet, no matter what I tell you, there always seems to be more to say. It is perhaps impossible to write 24 years of love and life and sickness in a few blogs. Memories that span what was to be forever don't fit so neatly in a write or two. Thoughts that aren't as far away as one would think the years would have made them.
Guilt at doing or not doing something is where my mind often goes these days. Words that may cause the reader to suddenly see me in a different light. If I am anything in my writes and the who I am here, I am honest to perhaps a fault. What I write are not excuses in any way. They are reasons for things that happened. I remember walking into the hospital room where Sheila laid and seeing doctors cutting on her neck. They were doing what I had not yet been educated in yet. No longer able to draw blood as they needed it, they were doing a "cut-down." I freaked and ran in to pull them off of Sheila, only to be pulled outside by orderlies and have the procedure explained to me. Someone was to have stopped me before I entered and failed. Then began the side effects to all the meds she had been on for so long. More cut-downs and infections of the skin that needed lanced and packed. All terribly painful and all so needed for her to live. Watching her as I held her hand, doctors cutting over and over. And then one day it happened... I turned away in tears. No longer able to watch her in pain, I simply lost connection with life. I cried at the thought of taking her in each time this had to be done. More times truly than I care to count for you.
The guilt that riddled my soul because I was no longer the Anchor that she could hold too as I had been for 10 years. Guilt that tore at me and made me feel less and less worthy of this woman's love and trust. A man that now feared seeing the woman he loved being hurt, even if it meant she would live. What man prayed to God to "no longer allow his love to hurt" no matter what the cost? The "adenosine" used to slow her heart when it raced over 200 was just another treatment used to save her life. Injected slowly, it stopped the heart for seconds at a time and then the heart restart in it's normal rhythm. Holding her hand and my breath as I watched her flat line for 6 to 12 seconds was so frightening. She had this procedure done over 50 times before they decided to do a "heart ablation." It worked for 2 weeks and then we were back to where we had been before the operation. Again, guilt because I had such a hard time seeing all of this happen. Where there should have been strength, there were tears. And I live with that guilt even today.
So much had happened that we found a duplex and lived side by side. The doorway connected us always but I found my mind needed to feel as if I were separated from the pain she was in sometimes. I never left her side through 24 years but I did move into my own side. Bipolar crept in and though we bonded more and more with each medical crisis, I felt and feel always that I let My love down. I let God down, who entrusted her life to me. The guilt that comes with it all is something few could understand and fewer will ever know. I pray one day that no one ever have the reason to feel it.
Regret??? How is it the same? How is it different from guilt? I will tell you that in my next write. We were blessed with 24 years of love and cherished memories. But none of it came without some guilt or regrets.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

things I know about "white Lies."

White Lies... we tell them weekly, if not daily. There are so many kinds of lies. Some are terrible and used to get us out of trouble. Others are used as a form of covering for a wrong or to avoid chastising.But the one on my mind this morning is the "white lies" as they are known. We tell the for various reasons. We tell our children all about Santa and the Easter Bunny. These are fun things that give our children dreams and excitement. We tell our friends how nice they look or that they don't look so heavy to spare hurting them. We can justify a white lie in almost any situation.
When does a white lie become something more? Is it when we have to add another "white lie" to cover for the first one? Is it when someone finds out we told the lie in the first place? I sit and wonder sometimes. Can't white lies be just another word for deceived? And if it is "justified", will it be considered just a little white lie when we pass on what we did to another friend?
I think about when My Sheila was so sick. Often the doctors would wait until i was in the hallway and they would talk to me there. They would smile and tell Sheila she was doing better and then tell me she was failing. A white lie to save scaring the patient, easily justified by not only the doctor, but by me. But sooner or later, she would need to be told where she really was in her healing. She would then ask how long I knew. Another lie to now save my own butt from being on the line? When would this one end and how many more "white lies" would need to be told?
I think there does come a place where we can become comfortable with telling the "little" white lies. Perhaps even too comfortable. "Do I look fat in this dress?" "Can you tell I am wearing cover-up make-up?" "Hey, what do you think of the pictures my daughter drew me?" The list can go on forever and anyone of those questions answered in any other way than a white lie will probably NOT have a good outcome for the person being asked.
Again I go back to Sheila... her last few hours here on earth. How do you tell the woman you love with all you are that she is not going to be with you come morning? How do you say the words "You are dying, my Love." Does heaven close it's eyes just long enough... does it cover it's ears to give you time to tell her she looks wonderful? I wonder.
I could not look into her eyes and say any of those words. I could not speak them and could barely breathe while thinking about what to say. I stood at her bedside and told her she was just getting sleepy from the meds. I told her she was going to sleep for a while. I wonder now, two years later if all the times I told her she was fine, all the "white lies" I told her so she wouldn't be scared, were in fact justifiable. Why, when just simply saying "You are doing so good" will give hope to someone that thinks there is none, would I say anything but that?
What I know about "little white lies" is this. Wrong or right, and I am sure they lean on the "wrong" side, they are used with all the very best of heart and meant to ease ones suffering or fears. I will take it up with My lord in heaven when the times comes. I think that all is known and that compassion will side with me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Things I know about "festering"...

Festering/fester... this word has so many meanings. The definition you use depends on where it is applied. Fester can be talking about wounds or a feeling inside that builds up from a thought to anger or hatred. The wound can be a cut or blister that worsens. It can also be a "wound" that is inflicted on the heart and soul.It can come as easily from friends and family as it can from your enemies. The ones that come from loved ones are for certain the ones that cut the deepest. Many times we don't speak our thoughts at the time of the hurt. We imagine that it will simply go away on it's own. But many times it does not go away. It gets tucked down inside of us somewhere and that is where it "Festers." If allowed to remain and get worse it can leave a hole where it laid.
The only way to stop the "festering" from getting worse is to face it up front and personal. Do I have issues that have festered inside of me? Certainly. I would be lieing if I said I did not.It is easy to sit and write the things you need to do to get past the festering inside. There are many support groups that are very good. They can help you through some of the issues that caused the problem. They can help you to find a way to rid yourself of things in your life that truly do not want to hold on to any longer.
Why do I write this today? Because writing is my way of dealing with issues of my heart. Today I went into a local store. As I approached the counter to pay for my drink, my eyes fixated on a tin can. A simple tin can that took me totally by surprise. As I read the outside, I saw it was for a local woman that had been diagnosed with cancer. Now please, don't think me heartless. On the contrary, my heart immediately went out to her family. No one knows better than I do the financial burdens that a or terminal illness can cause to a family. It can be so damaging to anyone. So here I am staring at this can and feeling the tears run down my face in the middle of the store. The clerk had no idea when he said to me, "Yea, it is sad, isn't it? What a terrible situation to be in." I just stood there, still staring.
Twenty some odd years ago, Sheila got sick. So sick she spent more than I want to count right now, nights and months in the hospital. If you have read my blogs, you know the story by now. So where does the festering come in? The can was for donations to try and help this woman's family handle the financial burdens that were already becoming a reality. They needed money to help them with prescriptions and other needs at home. I thought back to all that Sheila's illness brought to us. Never do I nor would I look back and be upset for what happened. Our life was a beautiful one and we learned more about the strength of true love and all it could endure.
In all of that love and all of that learning, there was still undeniably bills that seemed almost not possible. Sheila went through a 1 million dollar policy and then a 350,000 dollar policy. She finally reached a place where she was of course no longer insurable. I have my thoughts on that too but they are for another time. I know there are more people than I can count that have been here and done this. Hospitals calling to say they wanted their money. The 50,000, the 300,000, even the 500,000 thousand dollar they received weren't quite enough. They need that left over 2 or 3 thousand that was ours to pay. I can boldly say that only one hospital over all the years and all the hospitals we were in, and they are many... ever took a moment and cared and said "It appears the balance has been zeroed out. Good luck with your wife, and God Bless." That was the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They were wonderful to us and I will forever be grateful to them.
Many times in our life, we struggled just to feed our daughters. We never allowed it to take us down though and I worked good paying jobs that helped us. But still we lost a lot of things trying to keep up with payments. We never gave up and managed to buy a beautiful home and live a very nice life in the country. It took perseverance and a "never say quit" mind set to do these things. Many times in our life we could have used a "can". Many times we looked for help but were unwilling to place a can on a counter. Yes, our life was beautiful and I will never Know a love such as ours again. But to say that we weren't beat down by the financial burdens would simply be a lie.
And I realized as I cried at that counter that "festering" inside of me was an hurt and sorrow because there were things I never gave to my love because hospitals and doctors needed to build a new wing or higher another vice-administrator. I think without the kindness of Mayo and a kind man, we might have never seen the things she and I shared with our daughters. Today, I live a simple life. My wife has since gone to heaven, March 8Th, 2006. Not so long ago, trust me. I wonder what a little thing like a "can" on a counter, collecting for us might have done for our lives.
I don't want this festering anymore. We lived a good life and I knew love beyond what any man deserves to know. And life goes on and we survive somehow. God, family, perseverance. Sheila's saying..."Quitting is never ever an option!"
I placed a 5 dollar bill in the "can" and said a silent prayer for the family.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A site that might be for you... TSEAN

There is a new site in town and it might be just what you are looking for. TSEAN {The Self Esteem Advisory Network}, created by Lisa and Liz is a site made to reach out to people seeking answers to various questions. They offer proffessional as well as personal advice to those trying to find substance and perhaps validation of where they are at in their lives. Emotional Freedom Techniques -- EFT, Migraines, On Being Bipolar and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety are just a few of the catagories that they have open for questions and answers.
Self-esteem, or perhaps I should say the lack of self-esteem is a huge issue today. It is the basis of good health and of bad health as well. Stop in and have a look around. See what they have to offer. I think I might be the place To be one day.

More about Bipolar...

The site in the title here is an excellent source of information. When I open Google and type in Bipolar, I realize how huge this issue is today. I also hear the echo of people saying "everyone seems to be that... We didn't have it when I was a kid. We just "dealt" with it." Hmmm??? Well, dealing with it then was leaping out a window or any number of ways that it was "Dealt" with. Today there are medications to try. There are support groups and medical staff that see the signs and reach out to help. And there is something more. Something I think is the most important growth and aide in the battle of this disorder. There is public AWARENESS! Help in educating those around us of what Bipolar is and what can be done to help. That is what it takes to make ANY subject more visable and better understood.
But what really happens when you are Bipolar? The chemical change is the "cause" for the disorder. You can read about it in the URL's I have here. But truly, the things that happen daily are the real issues. Can it be turned off or cured? There is no known cure for this disorder but there are, as I have said, meds that can sometimes help. Takeing the medical side away, it is the everyday life happenings that make me what I am and dictates how the disorder affects me.
A comment was left that said "I feel so distant to the subject." It isn't like a Rubics Cube in any way. The sides, no matter how you turn them will never match up. There will always be colors that don't match and thoughts that can't be placed in with others. I wake some days and have not a clue what I am going to do. I fight to decide whether I can get out of bed or not. I fear the day that might be coming. Highs that make you smile so big and so long are so frightening because there is ALWAYS a low in equal proportion to deal with. The one you love that is bipolar may at times seem so far away from you that you feel alienated from them. They may be unwilling to talk or seem angry or irritated at you. One of the hardest things to ask you to do is too simply wait for the moment to pass. Don't take it personally because chances are... it isn't meant to be. Just going to the store sometimes can be a manic moment or a "freak out" moment waiting to happen. Sometimes... we are like a child and need to hold your hand or touch your shoulder to feel safe. Tears that come from no-where, outbursts that are aimed at the open air, simply getting in a vehicle and driving to be alone without warning are just some of the things you might see. Wanting to be left alone for hours on end, sleep that is like mine, 2 or 3 hours a day and still feeling filled with energy are some others.
I know there is still so much to say and to open up to you. I think it is important to know all you can know about this disorder if you are to cope daily with a loved one that has this. The more you know, the better equipped you are to help your loved one. You will never know all of it. How can you? We, the ones that suffer it don't even understand it all the time. But we do what we would ask you to do. Try, thats all. Learn the signs that say "Hey, I don't want to be here" or "I don't want to talk about this." Actions like jerking and head shaking are little things to watch for.
If you love them and you are their "safe" place, remember that it took so much of them to feel safe with you. They will trust you unconditionally until you break that trust. And we alwayssss think you might. Paranoia is simply a huge part of this disorder.
How I wish it Could be "turned off" or "cured" but it can't as of yet.So I will deal with it as best as I can for now. I will cling to my "safe place" and pray for my day to be acceptable to me. I will hope in my heart that you don't feel so "distant" to this disorder as you learn more. And I will alwaysssss be loyal and true to your love. I never said "faithful"... but I did say loyal. God Bless you and keep you safe. Darrel

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things i know about being Bipolar...

My first thought is...Do I DARE!!! My second thought is...There are so many people that suffer from this disorder, I might be remiss in Not saying something. It is often over looked by doctors and treated as simple depression or more serious depression. It can bring on more emotions than one could ever imagine. This disorder has the potential to take control of your every thought. there are a lot of medical terms and ways to tell you about this disorder. Sometimes it is nice to get the main thoughts on a disorder from someone who Does know.
I won't go into great detail here today on just how deeply it has effected me. Yes, I said Me, as in myself. I know about it because I suffer from this often frustrating and sometimes crippling disorder. Being diagnosed too many years ago than I care to try and recall, it has many times caused me to shrink back, out of site, away from all that exists. It has led me down roads I would have sworn I would never venture down. And yet, I found myself right in the middle of this disorders worst trials.
Often times, the feelings you will have won't be so different from people who do not suffer from any disorders. They are "normal" feelings and often go away without any lasting complications. I think that everyone goes to sad times now and then. Life just sometimes does us that way. It is the times that do Not go away with time that bring us to look deeper into our symptoms.
The highs and lows that we have become all too familiar. They are very often harder for those that love us to deal with than ourselves. We know them intimately and come to know {most of the time}when we are about to be sideswiped by a nasty low. But to those around us that watch us smile and just as they try to interact, we go to the very farthest other side of happy and they are left standing there wondering what they did to make us sad. Then as suddenly as we were sad, we become happy again. We now have a person with us that is no longer perky because they think they did something. We are ready to smile again and they are not.And so begins a vicious circle of us being upset because we want to smile again and they wont. And,this is all in a matter of minutes quite often. So it is to say that those that love us and we find safety in are very much a victim just as we are.
I find myself content to be alone a lot because I don't have to worry about causing a loved one any grief. Oh but wait... there is the issue of "oh my, now I made them sad because I am not around them." Yes, it is a full swing circle and this is our life.
For some, the meds are a life saver and I say that for those that they are, stay with them. Do what works for you. For those like myself that simply can not make themselves take a med, we will continue to be a worry to our family and doctor, but... we will continue to be. Each of us are the same mind and each of us are different. We seek out what allows us to be as "normal" as we can be in the eyes of those we pass each day. That is sometimes why we go undetected and misdiagnosed so very often because unless someone actually sees us in one of our "mood swings", they will never even know there is an issue.
I think sometimes one of the hardest emotions to deal with is the love issue. I am capable of loving and caring for so many at any one time. And yet I also can turn and walk away at the drop of a hat. To love me is to take a daily chance and hope that I wake tomorrow still wanting or able to be near you or with you. Perhaps this is only me but I somehow doubt that. The love is truer than any you will know and I never stop loving even if I have to move on in my mind.
Yes, if a person hurts or kills someone or does anything to catch the medias eyes and they are bipolar or suffer from turrets too as I do, the world seems to need to place a special emphasis on that. Not all killers or people with mind issues are bipolar and not all bipolars are killers or harmful to others. It only places a scared or "oh my God, they are..." image in the worlds minds when they exploit the fact of the illness. If it IS that important, then when that same person gets to court, treat them with the same thought. Understand them and realize that they are not always able to walk in the rest of societies world. Be kind and patient and you might find that they are the very loyalest friends you will ever long as you don't break their trust.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my words will be encouraging to someone. I hope that I never say anything to cause ones heart to hurt or feel badly. And I will strive to always write words that will place knowledge to help not only those that suffer from this disorder, but also those loved ones that live with it daily. I hope to help others see they are not so alone and not so different. I just felt the desire to write about this today.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The dance...

The nurses used to say "It looks like you are dancing" everytime I lifted Sheila. I would lean forward and she would slip her arms over mine. She would wrap around me and I would wrap around her. Then as I stood, she would come up with me. Sometimes I would steal a hug for a moment before moving her to where ever we were going. I would slowly turn her body around in a circle, our steps learned long ago.And then I would lower her to her chair or be and smile at her. She would smile and say "thanks good lookin'."
It is said that a dance is said to be taking a series of rhythmical steps (and movements) in time to music. Dancing is said to be movements, rhythmically usually to music, using prescribed or improvised steps and gestures. The improvised edition I think was hers and mine. Each lift was different and we would adjust to meet the need at the time. We certainly danced in our own way. And as for the music, the love we shared and the laughter and smiles were our music. It played loud and clear for us. No one else needed to hear it. It was OURS.
And Love... Love was so strong and was such a part of our everything. It has so many beautiful thing about it. Funny thing...Love. It is a word that personifies all that we search for in our lives. Men have killed for it, women have died from the lack of it. It is an emotion, a way of life, a weapon and need. Love also can be the most elated, sensual feeling one can ever have. Ahhhhh, but it can also tear your into pieces and strip your mind of all common sense.
When you fall in Love, it is the beautiful feeling you will ever know. The sky is bluer and the grass greener. The nights are better and the days filled with dreams of the night. You will forget appointments and eating and anything else that might take your thoughts away from this special love you have found.
But one thing else comes with this unconditional Love you have found. A chance. A chance that one day this love that is everything to you and the very reason you get out of bed every day could one day go away. The chance that YOU will be the one left behind to finish out your life, without her/him.
I know about this chance because I took it. I fell madly in Love with My Angel, who for 23 years fought the most courgeous battle against Muscular Dystrophy and heart disease. This love that was the world to me was suddenly taken to heaven on March 8th, 2006. Yes, two years ago this day. She fought and won so many battles and she did it with grace and courage. never ever was the option of quitting allowed in her vocabulary. Our love was a rare love and it was and is cherished then and today.
I will cry another million tears today for the loss of her being here. I will smile a billion smiles as I remember all the things we shared in this life. I will hold her in my heart and my memories until the day I can be reunited with her in heaven. Just know this... the deeper the In Love, the more pain and sorrow and loss of even your ownself comes with it. But then as the song says, "and now i am glad i didnt know the way it all would end, the way it was gonna go... My life was better left to "Chance", I could have missed the pain... But then I would have had to miss the "Dance."

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Things I know about time...

Time... There are so many definitions of the word. The clock time, the time we leave, the time we are born, the time as in clocking a horse or a runner. But today I will talk about the passage of time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. I learned that on the day that Sheila was going away to heaven. She had been in the hospital for over a month. They told me she wouldn't come home for a long time. Then suddenly, the doctors told me to take her home. Too elated to question, I lifted her into the van and smiled. My love was coming home with me and that was all that mattered. I had learned to clean her trache so that I could have her home. Eight days she was home with us. Time was forever again. We laughed, we talked and never once did I imagine what the eighth would bring.
On the morning of the 7th of March, 2006 she woke and said she didnt feel right. We rushed her to the hospital where she was given morphiene to aide with the pain. I waited for her to say she felt better, waited for what seemed like forever. She and I spent the next 6 hours watching doctors come and go. She was in and out of consciosness. Time moved slow for me and I wondered what was going to happen to her. She was taken to emergency surgery and that TIME was too fast for me. What was to take hours took but a few short minutes. The surgeon came to me and said she had only hours to live. My Angel was not going to be with me when morning came.
Begging the doctors to make her live was not going to ever come true. I waited alone, waiting for my daughter to arrive. I wished with all of my heart that time could stop for just a little while. It did not stop. Each minute that ticked away was one less minute I would have with the love of my life. Sitting beside her, crying as I tried hard not to let her see my tears, I realized that time was going to continue on. At two a.m. I sat down beside her. At 4:36 a.m. she went to heaven. This beautiful lady that had fought so hard for 24 years to live, was now safe in heaven. No more tears, no more pain, no more in a wheelchair.
Time... I am told that it heals. I am told that with just some patience and the passage of time, I will be better. What I know about time is this. Sometimes only the clocks move forward. Sometimes only the months on the calendar change. And sometimes, only the New Year makes it another year gone by. Life does go on as they say it will. You realize one day that time never stopped at all, even though you could have sworn it must have. That night... I wanted the clocks to stop so that her two hours were forever. Again, they did not.
A different write perhaps for me today. The approaching 2 year mark coming to quickly. I am often still there, at 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006. So much of me holds to those last moments when I kissed her and whispered "I love you." The moment in time when she whispered back to me "I love you and...I don't hurt anymore." Time stood still for me...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

A place of great interest. Gimme...

I want to talk about one other site. A site that belongs to a lady that has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me so many things about creating and filling a blog. She is a horse lover and her site dedicates a portion of itself to them. her love for these beautiful animals is so very evident in what she writes.
Gimme also has a site that shows beautiful jewelry from home to Hong Kong. Her passion for life is seen each time she writes. Her love for life and nature are contagious and she will intoxicate your mind with ideas and thought provoking words.
This lady is also an Oasis in a land of a million miles of internet. She opens the doors to so many sites that pay you to do what you love to do best... Write. Please, if you are looking to expand your knowledge of blog spots looking for your writing, stop in. If you are just looking for a place to relax and enjoy the scenary, this is the place to be. I promise that you wont walk away disapointed. Come on... give it a look. Darrel

Monday, March 3, 2008

A nice place to sit and enjoy the evening...

If you love poetry and are looking for a place to enjoy, I have a site for you. The Poetry written in this site is written with heart and soul. Charlie has the gift of opening her heart and emotions and allowing them to free-fall onto the screen. The images she places with her poems allows the reader to feel the words as well as read them. Her desires and dreams are personified through her words.
Poetry is meant to reach into your heart and bring out feelings and images that cause you to react emotionally. Great poetry takes you into the words and makes you a part of them. Charlie does just that with her poetry here. If you want to feel a poets heart, take a moment and see what she has given to us to share.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Things I know about care-giving and Dignity

When dealing with persons that are wheelchair bound, we can forget that along with loosing the use of their mobility, there is another factor to consider. One that may be more important than the acts you perform daily to help them. What could be more important than caring for them? Allowing them to keep their Dignity is a very important part of care-giving. When my wife was walking, she didn't need to worry if her dress was pulled down or if she was sitting properly. She didn't have to ask to go the restroom or eat dinner or even shower. She was treated with respect and knew her worthness to all that loved her. There are things that even she said she took so much for granted when she could walk.
I, as her husband and care-giver had to also learn along our journey to do things for her in a way that it kept her dignity. I learned by watching and by her gentle teachings. When she needed to go to the bathroom when first disabled, it embarrassed her. She was unsure and very young in our marriage, the trust issue was still in in infancy state. Sometimes I would be doing things and she would need me. Life was crazy for us and time was a luxury we seldom were alloted. I would sometimes sigh or ask her to give me a minute. I would sometimes sound exhausted or "put off." I was after-all new to this also.
One day while she was calling for me to help her, I yelled I was busy. "Hang on a minute!" was my terrible responce. When I "got to her" she sat there silently crying. My heart broke into a billion pieces when I saw what my words had done to her. A guilt I carry with me even today. I took her to the bathroom and lifted her with such care and love. She finished then asked if I had a minute. I assure you, the way I had hurt her assured that I had at least a minute. this is what she said. This... was my first lesson in Dignity for her.
"I often wait until I really can not wait any longer to call you. I do this because I know you are busy trying to care for 2 babies and a wife that can not walk. I do this because I love you and I don't want to put more on you than is already there. But baby, I do this too because it embarresses me to have to ask for help to go to the bathroom. To have you pull my pants down or skirt up makes me feel very vulnerable. You never complain or say a word bt I know it frustrates you as much as it does me. But think of this. How do you feel when you are in a hospital gown and the nurses decide to walk you up and down the aisle? You pull the back shut over and over. You turn beet red if someone sees your butt. That is for a day or two. I live that way every single day. My dignity goes out the window when you have to do those things for me. I just want you to understand that IF I could I would but I can't so I trust in you to be there for me, as you always are."
Through tears that flowe for hours, I heard her words over and over in my head. I thought about how I moved her or how I turned her at night.I thought about the way I lifted her or sat her down. And I began to change the way I did some things. I began to see her as a strong lady, filled with love and caring and the desire to just be respected for who she was. I made sure that she never ever felt like aburden. I helped her with a renewed love and respect that carried us through 100 hospital stays and more doctors office visits than I care to remember. Whatever we did, where ever we went, I made sure that she looked beautiful and was moved and treated with all the dignity she was deserving of. Because of this, she ws able to continue life with respect and dignity.
Over the years, the trust issues of course were settled and the way I conducted my self with her was always with the deepest of love. We were granted 19 more years than the doctors gave her and lived everyone of them as wonderfully and gracefully as we could. What a wonderful teacher she was. The Muscular Dystrophy Assosiation has done many studies on Dignity in their patients. they too have learned that healing comes faster when treatment is given with respect to the patients medical condition and their state of mind.
I have another few things to add to this, but will stop for right now. Thank you for reading this blog.

MySavings Media

Dollar General - Savings Zone Gevalia