Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things i know about being Bipolar...

My first thought is...Do I DARE!!! My second thought is...There are so many people that suffer from this disorder, I might be remiss in Not saying something. It is often over looked by doctors and treated as simple depression or more serious depression. It can bring on more emotions than one could ever imagine. This disorder has the potential to take control of your every thought. there are a lot of medical terms and ways to tell you about this disorder. Sometimes it is nice to get the main thoughts on a disorder from someone who Does know.
I won't go into great detail here today on just how deeply it has effected me. Yes, I said Me, as in myself. I know about it because I suffer from this often frustrating and sometimes crippling disorder. Being diagnosed too many years ago than I care to try and recall, it has many times caused me to shrink back, out of site, away from all that exists. It has led me down roads I would have sworn I would never venture down. And yet, I found myself right in the middle of this disorders worst trials.
Often times, the feelings you will have won't be so different from people who do not suffer from any disorders. They are "normal" feelings and often go away without any lasting complications. I think that everyone goes to sad times now and then. Life just sometimes does us that way. It is the times that do Not go away with time that bring us to look deeper into our symptoms.
The highs and lows that we have become all too familiar. They are very often harder for those that love us to deal with than ourselves. We know them intimately and come to know {most of the time}when we are about to be sideswiped by a nasty low. But to those around us that watch us smile and just as they try to interact, we go to the very farthest other side of happy and they are left standing there wondering what they did to make us sad. Then as suddenly as we were sad, we become happy again. We now have a person with us that is no longer perky because they think they did something. We are ready to smile again and they are not.And so begins a vicious circle of us being upset because we want to smile again and they wont. And,this is all in a matter of minutes quite often. So it is to say that those that love us and we find safety in are very much a victim just as we are.
I find myself content to be alone a lot because I don't have to worry about causing a loved one any grief. Oh but wait... there is the issue of "oh my, now I made them sad because I am not around them." Yes, it is a full swing circle and this is our life.
For some, the meds are a life saver and I say that for those that they are, stay with them. Do what works for you. For those like myself that simply can not make themselves take a med, we will continue to be a worry to our family and doctor, but... we will continue to be. Each of us are the same mind and each of us are different. We seek out what allows us to be as "normal" as we can be in the eyes of those we pass each day. That is sometimes why we go undetected and misdiagnosed so very often because unless someone actually sees us in one of our "mood swings", they will never even know there is an issue.
I think sometimes one of the hardest emotions to deal with is the love issue. I am capable of loving and caring for so many at any one time. And yet I also can turn and walk away at the drop of a hat. To love me is to take a daily chance and hope that I wake tomorrow still wanting or able to be near you or with you. Perhaps this is only me but I somehow doubt that. The love is truer than any you will know and I never stop loving even if I have to move on in my mind.
Yes, if a person hurts or kills someone or does anything to catch the medias eyes and they are bipolar or suffer from turrets too as I do, the world seems to need to place a special emphasis on that. Not all killers or people with mind issues are bipolar and not all bipolars are killers or harmful to others. It only places a scared or "oh my God, they are..." image in the worlds minds when they exploit the fact of the illness. If it IS that important, then when that same person gets to court, treat them with the same thought. Understand them and realize that they are not always able to walk in the rest of societies world. Be kind and patient and you might find that they are the very loyalest friends you will ever know...as long as you don't break their trust.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my words will be encouraging to someone. I hope that I never say anything to cause ones heart to hurt or feel badly. And I will strive to always write words that will place knowledge to help not only those that suffer from this disorder, but also those loved ones that live with it daily. I hope to help others see they are not so alone and not so different. I just felt the desire to write about this today.


KB said...

D, firstly, I love the way you write; you always draw me straight into the piece with your words.

I won't say I understand completely but I do to some degree as I have suffered depression on and off for years.

You have explained it all so well here. I often wonder why the people who love me, stand by me through my lows, when all I can think of is myself.

Thank you for sharing this, the more we talk about these issues, the more others will undestand us.


Bette said...

Darrel, as I told you in IM, my one brother is bipolar. I have never actually seen his lowest lows, but mom did and relayed to me (I lived in NY, they in WA when his lows began). Docs tried varying coctails of meds for him, and to an extent they worked. For a time. It's as tho his body/mind knew that particular blend was a trick and they wouldn't work any longer. So, off to find another mix. I love my brother regardless, even when he signed himself into a hospital and didn't tell me. When I found out, I went every few days for who knows how long until he finally agreed to see me. When he did, he told me why and I understood.
You can't help someone who is bipolar when they are in a manic state, on a low, or off their meds. The only thing you can do is be supportive and most of all just be there when they come out of it. It's hard, on this side of it, but when your someone who is bipolar -- even in whichever state they are in -- sees you at the end of the perverbial tunnel, you are their lifeline back. I will always be there for my brother, even when he won't let me be because even tho it is that hard on this side of it, it's harder on his.
Thanks for sharing your side, Darrel. This is something that really needs to be heard about from the view only those that have it can give.
Liz aka Dear Bette

Moongirl66 said...

Hey Darrel, wanted to let you know I dropped in on you today. Your blog scared me a little, saw myself in some of that...eeeeks. Also read The Dance post. You amaze me.


Darrel said...

KB, I want to thank you for coming here. It means so much to be able to share things of my life with people that care. I sometimes worry about the things i8 write and if they will be accepted by those that read the words. when i get the positive responces filled with caring as i did with you, it does encourage me to go on and write more. Inhibition really must not play a part in writing or your thoughts and real feelings will be lost in the write. Thank you so very much for this.

Darrel said...

As i read your words here Bette, I think aloud, "many times we dont want help and at the same time do. With help often comes the embarrassement of where we are at that moment. Already feeling stupid and like some freak, now we face those we love most and everything inside gets messed up. Please understabnd this... No matter what you might say to someone in that state, their mind will process it in all the ways it can be. spinning so fast they cant catch one single thought and process it and so they are stuck between thinking what they are hearing you say is right or scared that you are really thinking the absolute opposite of what you are saying.
Your support in just being there was a comfort to your brother even if he never said so. We draw from those that we love and trust in.
Thank you from my heart for reading this anr for your words. they all go to encourage and strengthen my want and need to write. Always, Darrel

Darrel said...

Thank you so much for reading Lisa. Again it gives me a feeling that it is alright to go here and safe to write about such things. That is a terrible fear of mine and I have avoided writing about this issue here for that reason. There is so much more to say and teach as I learn too. I do hope i didnt scare you too much. I think that everyone could look inside themself and see a little bit of me...in Them. Thank you again and the Dance... holds a dera place in my soul. Always, Darrel

Bette said...

Thank you -- your article is now posted over at our tsean blog! I've added a bit of an introduction.....
Liz aka Dear Bette

Darrel said...

thank you very much i will go and read it . Thank you again for your support.

Magdalen Islands said...

I'm here and I read your story about bi-polar people. I can't even pretend to know what bi-polar is all about emotionally or even depression. It is well wrote and interesting but I feel distant to the subject. I feel like I should be able to clear up the problem the same as a physical problems, but I can't. Bi-polar isn't like a rubic's cube that with a few twist and turns all the sides match, is it?

Darrel said...

Magdalen... As i read your comment, I went to my mail and looked at the e-mails that had also come in on this very topic. Nervous at first to write it here, I quickly came to realize that there were so many that had questions unanswered here. I am going to add a little more and hope that it out reaches to yours and so many others that had questions.
I thank you from my heart for reading this and knowing that you and I are dear close friends and you still have wonders at this disorder helped to tell me there is still so much more to open up to the world. You are special to me and I thank you for your honesty here as I have come to just know from you. Hugs and your words mean so much to me. THANK YOU... D

Michelle said...

bi polar is a condition and not who you are.i have seen what it can to to a person but i never let that stop me from seeing the person ,to do so would be a tremendous loss for myself and you have touched so many with your words that maybe you were meant to be bi polar so you could help others with it and those who dont have it to understand ..God Bless you

Darrel said...

Chelle, Thank you for your beautiful words. You always touch me because you do understand and you accept that sometimes, this is just who i am and thats ok. And knowing someone is ok with me being me means probably more to me than anything else I know of. Huge Hugsssssss to you and for you.
I hope I truly do help others in my writing. Your words are always and forever encouraging and said with love and comapassion. thank you for that. Always, Darrel xx

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