Friday, October 23, 2009

Welcome... to My World.

As I sit here and look out my window at the weather, my thoughts drift from place to place. Nothing unusual about that for this bipolar man except... today I am able to reach out and touch a few of the thoughts. Very unusual for this man. Normally my thoughts race so fast that I can not catch, let alone, feel one of them. I like the moments, fleeting as they may be that I can do this.
Perhaps it is the weather itself that is allowing me to spend a moment with a thought or two. I see the ones that said I might want to make other blogs. Separate my thoughts on being bipolar from my short stories. A good thought that I am thinking on doing. Have a site for my "issues" and one for my short stories, so they do not all run together. I thank her in my mind and here for the idea. I think about the year we have had and how very different our seasons were this round. We had a wet spring that slid into summer without being noticed. The "summer" really wasn't much of a summer at all.
Now, as I sit here watching the rain quietly turning to snow, I wonder too where our Autumn went to. My favorite season seemed to wash past us in a fury of storms and rain that will be remembered for a long time to come. Devastating and yet because of the terrible storm we endured, the town is getting a face-lift. New rooves and new windows. Bright, clean new siding going on houses. As I watch this I think "Wow, this is the storm that is still here. It will be here, fresh in our minds until the final touches of new are completed. And still, we will remember why it looks so good every time we pass a new roof or new siding.
As I write, I feel my thoughts begin to race again. The wonderful feeling of holding a single thought begins to fade a bit. Soon, I will be back to abstract thought an chasing the thoughts until I am weary. And still one more thought comes to me. It settles and allows me to spend a moment thinking. That thought??? I watch each year as the season change a little more each year. More storms, more weather... less summer and short Autumns. I wonder if this is how it will stay. Will the seasons now take on a new look, a new length of staying?
And the thought that tangled with it. This is like me. Over the seasons, I too have evolved in different ways. I have settled a bit on that My Shiela is happy in heaven and that she doesn't have thoughts of sadness or of jealousy. She is now walking a new walk. One that will take her to the next step until we are all finished here on earth. I see and feel little changes in me like what I want from life and reaching out to make it mine. My springtime beautiful in that I have found new flowers and a place to make new memories. My summer, life fast pace and heated at times seems to have been melded into the Autumn of my life. The time to reap what I have sown, good and bad. seeds I planted in my children now blossoming, again of good and of sad.
I hold on as tightly as I can to Autumn, knowing that winter has already begun again. Snow outside whispering to me that Jack Frost has taken in a breath and is ready to exhale. I don't want to let go and allow winter to come. I like who I am in spite of the abstract thoughts and times when I truly am not sure why I stay.
I wonder too, as I do about the changing seasons, if this is how it will be now for me. Will some seasons, some friends stay for just a little while? Will my life all meld into one of such rushed moments, that I will miss the differences in the seasons? I want to experience each season, gently and slowly. I want to feel spring and see new life. I want to feel the heat of summer on my face and in my heart. I want to smell the fire-places as they start to burn in the fall. See the leaves change color slowly, not simply fall off the trees because winter came too soon.
Life is good and I am happy, mostly. I hold on to the mostly and look towards tomorrow. I wait to see if Jack Frost exhales or if he just gently blows his winter down on us. This.. is the mind of a bipolar. The mind that is gifted in being able to see life and everything it is in so many different ways. To imagine and feel everything and every place this mind takes me. Bad??? I don't think so. Hard to live with? Sometimes. Living life and making it all an analogy to reality and fiction. To always compare things that are real to something beautiful or ugly. Perhaps, just maybe, I have found a way to look at life and never see the ugly. To take every experience, every season, and make it a blessing. To be thankful for being able to be loved and love more than any one man deserved. To see the world through different eyes than the rest of the world. Not such a bad thing. Only when the abstract takes over and the Low times explode.
Do you have to be of like mind to understand what I have written here today? Hmmmmm??? I wonder how the rest of the world reads this.

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