Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Things I know about time...


Time... There are so many definitions of the word. The clock time, the time we leave, the time we are born, the time as in clocking a horse or a runner. But today I will talk about the passage of time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. I learned that on the day that Sheila was going away to heaven. She had been in the hospital for over a month. They told me she wouldn't come home for a long time. Then suddenly, the doctors told me to take her home. Too elated to question, I lifted her into the van and smiled. My love was coming home with me and that was all that mattered. I had learned to clean her trache so that I could have her home. Eight days she was home with us. Time was forever again. We laughed, we talked and never once did I imagine what the eighth would bring.
On the morning of the 7th of March, 2006 she woke and said she didnt feel right. We rushed her to the hospital where she was given morphiene to aide with the pain. I waited for her to say she felt better, waited for what seemed like forever. She and I spent the next 6 hours watching doctors come and go. She was in and out of consciosness. Time moved slow for me and I wondered what was going to happen to her. She was taken to emergency surgery and that TIME was too fast for me. What was to take hours took but a few short minutes. The surgeon came to me and said she had only hours to live. My Angel was not going to be with me when morning came.
Begging the doctors to make her live was not going to ever come true. I waited alone, waiting for my daughter to arrive. I wished with all of my heart that time could stop for just a little while. It did not stop. Each minute that ticked away was one less minute I would have with the love of my life. Sitting beside her, crying as I tried hard not to let her see my tears, I realized that time was going to continue on. At two a.m. I sat down beside her. At 4:36 a.m. she went to heaven. This beautiful lady that had fought so hard for 24 years to live, was now safe in heaven. No more tears, no more pain, no more in a wheelchair.
Time... I am told that it heals. I am told that with just some patience and the passage of time, I will be better. What I know about time is this. Sometimes only the clocks move forward. Sometimes only the months on the calendar change. And sometimes, only the New Year makes it another year gone by. Life does go on as they say it will. You realize one day that time never stopped at all, even though you could have sworn it must have. That night... I wanted the clocks to stop so that her two hours were forever. Again, they did not.
A different write perhaps for me today. The approaching 2 year mark coming to quickly. I am often still there, at 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006. So much of me holds to those last moments when I kissed her and whispered "I love you." The moment in time when she whispered back to me "I love you and...I don't hurt anymore." Time stood still for me...

14 comments:

Magdalen Islands said...

This is one of the most emotionally pieces you have wrote, Darrel and perhaps it is for that reason that you might remove it. I find that it brought tears to my eyes and clutched my heart. I can't advise you on its presence, but I can tell you, it is tremendously powerful writing.

Darrel said...

I thank you so much for your words. For that reason, I will leave it to share and show people that this kind of love does exist. She was my heart and still holds it in her hands. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Always, Darrel

jadey said...

Darrel this is such a wonderful post. I have tears in my eyes and goosebumps on my arms. It gave me chills. I understand what you went through and time does heal to some extent. I know that you know everyday she is looking down on you giving you the love and support you and your family need. Hugsss to you.

Darrel said...

jadey, to write this was so much harder than I ever imagined. So many times I stopped and was going to delete as it was so hard to continue. I did because Sheila truly taught me the value of believing and of loving unconditionally. Your words and tears are only a reflection of what Sheila personified: Strength and Life. Thank you for your kindness and friendship. It means so much more to me than I can convey in words. Always I am JASA, D

Bette said...

I know what it is to sit there as someone you love eases on to the next phase. I faced that when mom left us, and as hard as it is for me after these past few years to know that I can't pick up the phone to tell her about things that are going on, I know she no longer is in any discomfort. Her body no longer rebels against her threatening to cut off her kidneys or hit her in the heart or lungs again. But to miss your best friend is one of the hardest things to go through, especially when that person is a parent or spouse.

Time. It hasn't stopped for me either.

Moongirl66 said...

I know a comment is in order here, but I quite literally don't know what to say. It amazes me that you can write about this in so much detail and with so much love and compassion. Sheila had a good partner, you are her angel and she is yours. Geeez, I need some tissue.

Darrel said...

thank you bette fro reading this. Your words tell me you understand and I wish for you only blessings and strength in all you do. God Bless you always. D

Darrel said...

Lisa, I can write this way because it all is as vivid today as it was the day it happened. I see every single moment in my head every day and night. I reliveit and know each action and each emotion always. I thank you for reading this and I thank you from my heart to you. Always, D

Charlie Wolfe said...

Just know that I know...and that I do, very much (wipes tear)

Darrel said...

thank you so very much for reading this. I know you understand the words and as do I, always. Thank you from my heart. Darrel

Susan Sonnen said...

I do not know what to say. I hurt for you and your children. Please know that I am here and that I care.

Darrel said...

Susan, thank you from my heart for coming here and for reading this. No words are needed. Just that you came here and left your kind words that you did means everything. Darrel

Michelle said...

i remember when you went through all of this and it is so recent and the pain is still so fresh and new.keep loving Sheila as you always have for you will see her again

Darrel said...

You have walked along so many roads with me and seen me in my best and worst moments. You know how fresh and "just yesterday" all of this is for me.And you know I will never stop loving My Sheila and that I wait for the day we are truly one again in heaven. Hugs to you for always being there to listen and cry With me, never For me. Always, Darrel xx

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