Monday, March 24, 2008

Continueing from Guilt and Regrets...


I spoke of the Guilt that I felt over so many things with Sheila. The inability to watch her hurt as I had for so many years. The needing a place to be where I was able to feel disconnected from all that made me feel guilty. And through it all i learned that a "doorway" or a wall was not ever going to keep those feelings away. My love for her was simply too strong and yet, there I was. The guilt, the hatred of the man I had become and the feelings of unworthiness had taken over where strength had once stood.
And were there regrets in all of this? I might say Are in place of were for that question. My answer of course would be Yes! I have heard something said to me by a million people, including Sheila's Doctor, who happens to be my doctor also. "You gave her 29 more years than the doctors gave her just by loving her." "You made her life more enriched and gave her reason to live and endure all the pain just because you loved her they way you did." "Without you, she would have been in a home or worse." All of these words mean very little when you are Me. Yes, I stayed beside her for 60 days without going home when she was in a coma. Yes, I never once let her feel as if she were too much for me. And YES!!!!!, we lived the life of adventurers and saw the world while living. Ours was a love for all times... the fairytale love that would'nt fade when the last star went out. but did it all pale in the light of where I went?
My regrets were never the life we lived. Regret is defined as a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction. It is a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault or an act one has done. And the strongest definition of Regret is this: {A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.}
When the Bipolar really took hold of me, though it had been there for a very long, long time, I did things that I can NOT ever now take back. To me, guilt becomes Regret when the things you feel guilty for can no longer be fixed or changed. When My Sheila went to heaven... the chance to make things better, to make a very worng a right again was no longer within my grasp. I could not turn to her anymore and say "I am sorry, My Love." I would never be able to celebrate our 25th anniversary, only 6 months away from the day she went to heaven, the way I had planned in my silly little bipolar mind. I could not LOOK at her and touch her face and say "I love you more than I love life itself."
I told her weeks before she went to heaven, not ever believing she would leave me, that I was still In Love with her. I told her that no matter where I was or what I had done, I was still her man and she would always be my girl. She told me her love was for me only for ever. Oh how I cried that night when i got back to my side of the duplex. I wanted to be all I had failed to be for her. I wanted to never let her think for a moment that my love for her wasn't everything it had always been. But I could not now. I CAN not now! Yesss, I know... She knows. I hear that each and every day too. But it isn't the same.
I regret having needed to live alone as such. I regret not reuniting and living in one single dwelling as man and wife as we had for 20+ years. I regret, as the definition says, that things could not have been made different before she went to heaven. I live with this each and every single minute of my life. How I want to reach out and pull her from heaven... to hold her and tell her how MUCH I miss her and love her. How I am sorry for breaking her heart and hurting her because i was too weak to stand tall sometimes.People looked at us and said "He is such a good man. He is so strong for her and stands by her always. He is such an angel."
They just have to turn it around. She was MY strength, She was the strong one and SHE was such a good woman. She was everything the world thought I was. She was and still remains My Angel. And I REGRET that I can not change what I did now because regret comes in it's strongest form AFTER it is Too late to make a wrong... a right.
And the tears I cried while I wrote this for you, the tears I cry at night for what I can not forgive myself for, perhaps make me just a little bit more worthy...

6 comments:

jadey said...

Oh Darrel this is such a loving post. It comes from the heart. However, and this is just my opinion. You need to pat yourself on the back, you need to give yourself credit and you need not to feel regret for not living in the same side of the house. Your love for Sheila continued to be strong and become stronger everyday cause you were able to live next door. You knew you were fighting something as well and you were man enough to remove your problems from her problems to make her every days the best they could be. I think you can bet she is looking down on you and the kids everyday and she is thinking her lucky stars as much as you are for having each other, you both are each others angels and each others strong supports that is what makes a complete team soulmates and that is what you were, are and always will be nobody nobody can ever take what you had away.

Darrel said...

jadey, you touch my very soul with your words here. How they open my heart and cause me to feel the words. Yes we did enjoy a love that continued to grow and inside my heart i think it continues to grow even as she spends times with Our Lord in heaven. My love for her will never end and one day we will see each other again. I know that I was the one blessed and though many think God se4nt me to her... I KNOW he sent HER TO ME... Thank youfor your precious words. Read my Guilts if you get the time. Thank you, D

ettarose said...

Darrel, you are the same thing Jesus was, and that is human. With all the frailties that go with it. I think you had to get away if for just a small moment. To recharge yourself. To get things right with yourself. To be whole to hold her and love her. You had to be strong for her and in that you needed to recharge. Never forget, never regret. You are so much stronger than anyone I know. You are stronger than even you know. Be at peace. Love

Darrel said...

ettarose,
Again your words touch me and cause me to feel that perhaps, it is alright to write the things i do here. that maybe they are felt by others in the way i hope they are felt. \
Being "human" isn't always something i want to be. I want to be more and to not know the weaknesses that come with it.
I did need recharging as you say here, but was it allowable? Was I supposed to do that? Sheila was the one hurting physically and struggling daily to stay alive. Not me... I hurt a beautiful, strong woman who had enough to face each day without the man she loved and trusted more than anyone else in this world hurting her.
I will have to think on this but I do thank you for reading this and for your heart felt, beautiful comments here. Hugs and Always I am, Darrel...

Michelle said...

there is nothing anyone can say to ease your guilt,i know i have tried .Sheila knew how much you loved and still love her .She was strong for you as you were for her and there will never be another love like that which you two shared and smile ...one day you will be with her again.beautifully and heartfeltly written Darrel,you have the talent to bring the written word to life for all those who read it

Darrel said...

My dearest Chelle, Hugssssssssss...
You always have the sweetest way with your words to me. You know my heart and saw for yourself the Love Sheila and i shared and still do share. She was truly the strongest woman I have ever known but i do know one that is right up there... smiles soft. Thank you for reading my blog and for placing your heart in the comments. They do mean so much to me. Always with hugs, Darrel


loved and still love her .She was strong for you as you were for her and there will never be another love like that which you two shared and smile ...one day you will be with her again.beautifully and heartfeltly written Darrel,you have the talent to bring the written word to life for all those who read it

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