Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things I Learned About Bipolar Today.

Bipolar. Not a word that I nor my readers are unfamiliar with seeing here in my blog. I talk of it freely here and never give it another thought. So why am I writing again?
Something happened today that both shocked and confused me. I was in Poker on line and a terrible Low set in from no-where. There was no warning, as is usually the case but there was something more this time. As the Low took over my thoughts and actions, the mood apparently became noticeable to those that were at the same table as me. I found myself "off" somewhere else and had to concentrate very hard to play my cards. I lost over and over again. The anxieties were filling me with emotions and fright. Those that I call friends at the table questioned what was wrong. As I usually do when asked, I began to type the answer. I was telling them what was happening at that very moment. So... what is so different from that and any other day. I tell people almost daily about this disorder I have.
What was different? As I typed to tell them, complete and total embarrassment over took me. I began to cry, though they had no way of knowing that. My fears welled up and I thought to myself that perhaps they would do as so many do... shun me. I merely told them that I had a little disorder that flares up and makes me sad now and then. They were kind and I was thankful for their kindness. One said very little at all. So totally embarrassed that I had told them anything, I found myself not even knowing what cards I was playing. Losing terribly, I found myself wishing I could hide my issues from them. I did not tell them it was Bipolar and I did not say I have Turret's either. I was amazed at the embarrassment that settled inside of me. God, how I wanted them NOT to see me this. I was never so happy there was a screen between us. This disorder has so many sides to it. There are things that after so many, many years of living with Bipolar and all that comes with it, still take me by surprise. This was one of them. I lost control of myself and of my emotions. I was vulnerable and crying so hard. Still trying to work through this one, I am not sure where it will take me today. Already I am feeling all the effects of this damned disorder. My day is shot and doubts about things like love and friends and who I am. God, I hate this disorder.
To those in Poker that follow my blog, I say I am so sorry. I tell you here what I could not at the table. I will spend my day and evening pondering all of this. I will pray you don't but my "bipolar" mind tells me you WILL look at me differently when you see me again. I can not control the Lows nor the "highs." they come and go as they please.
Embarrassed... Hmmm. I didn't know this until today at that Poker Table that it embarrassed me to talk about it. I so want to be like everyone else but sadly, I Am not. Welcome to My World. A world of confusion and uncertainties. A world few would survive in and even fewer want to see.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for taking time out to read this.
Always I am, Simply Darrel.


Leona said...

Dear "D"
I am saddened to hear that you are having such a low right now. Know that I am thinking of you and praying that this too shall pass and you will enjoy the highs rather than suffer the lows. I miss you and our chats. I love reading and keeping up with you through the blog. I truely enjoy the short stories and am looking forward to the next one....Know that I am thinking of you always...

Anonymous said...

Hey Darrel,
Take heart that I think no differently about you....perhaps even higher for your honesty. So sad for what you go through and amazed at your ability to "write your life".
Wishing there wasn't a screen between us, I knew you needed a hug!
I can't take away your pain, but happy to ride the waves of life with you and play a little poker on the side while we go.
No need to hide, take care, the Cowpushing Aussie!

Lola said...

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. My 16 year old daughter has been having a big rough patch of instability since March. She seems slightly better of late.

I am completely familiar with bipolar, having an ex-husband who has it, as well as my daughter who currently has it.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Darrel said...

to each of you I say thank you with my heart. Leona, your prayers and thoughts of you are always with me. You share a wonderful plac in my heart and I thank you for your very kind words. I am very glad you enjoy the short stories and I will truly look into getting them made into a book.
To you Sharon I say that your words comfort me and i thank you for seeing past the issued man that stands open before you. Though few things in this world are harder than havinbg to face people with their first encounter of me in a low,it is as equal a place to rest for me amongst those that read and try to understand. remember that your words are the same as a hug from across the world to me and I thank you for that from my heart. Know that if I seem quiet or distant it is never you, it is simply me...
Lola thank you for taking time to read these posts of mine. Simply knowing you read and understand means th world to me. Ty from my heart. Always, Darrel

Anonymous said...

Never be ashamed of who you are. Because you are the man you are, bi-polar and all, is the reason we all love you so much. Your a wonderful man, and even being bi-polar your better then a lot of the men I know. Keep your head up and know your loved.

Darrel said...

Christall, thankm you for reading this and for your words to me. I know yyou fully understand this place that i am in right now. It is a tough place to come out of sometimes and takes a persons mind to places they would just as soon not be.
It is the love that I have from safe places like you and your family that give me a place to be when everywhere else seems frightening and intrusive.
I dont have the right words to convey my thanks to you but i know you hear them in your heart. Thank you for this and you are very loved. Always, Darrel

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