Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Today is not unlike most other days for me. It started early, though not as early as most. I did the unheard of and slept in a little. Sometimes that only seems to bring on the morning "bipolars" it seems. As I said, it isn't really much unlike any other morning. But there was a little carry over from last night for me today. I fell asleep thinking about life and my daughters. I wondered if they were happy. I wondered if they felt like life was good to them or if they wished things were different. As I thought of this, emotions, as per normal took me over. I began to think of them as if they might not be totally happy with life as it is. I wondered how much my actions in their lives had effected this. Being empathic sometimes has side effects of it's own. To feel someones sadness is not for sure a great gift. Not always. And then you take Bipolar and toss it into the mix and you have got a recipe for disaster.
Today, I think back to my life and theirs. Certainly actions I took effected them and I wonder if they have caused them to look at life or perhaps approach life differently, more cautiously. Hurting their mother by leaving because I had lost touch with what was real had to have effected them. Leaving but never really going must have left them confused as to what was supposed to be and what was. Watching their father slowly drift into a new world, a different place and even yes, a different man must have left them wondering a lot. I lived in a made up world and yet the people were very real. The things I did that effected them, the decisions I made not only changed me for ever, they changed their lives forever also. Their cautiousness in approaching a relationship is part of it.
Not all of it was bad. I see strengths in them that perhaps were always there but were brought to the surface by things I did. This morning... I feel it all. Easily brought to emotions, sadness, thinking I have upset someone when maybe I didn't. fear that whatever I do today will have an adverse effect on those I love. So long this Low has carried on and I have tried to rise above it and yet, it seems to have me in it's grip tight.
Signs of the depression hanging on are so evident. Things that perhaps others of you or a loved one are going through and wonder what it is. Abstract thoughts. A passion of mine is fishing. Maybe even an obsession. I love it and spend so much time at the lake. But not this year. I have fished less than a half dozen times and it is way into June. The desire to get out and go are few and far. Gardening. Another Passion of mine. Having to force myself out to weed or just to smile at the plants as they grow and produce. Singing, writing... all the things I love, sitting idle as I try my best to get past this low. A low that I fear is slowly winning.
And so, I worry. I worry and cause anxieties to rise and wonder when it will all settle in to what ever is normal for me. Hearts I have hurt never did anything to me to be hurt. Losses that can not be measured nor forgotten. Not forgetting of course meaning they resurface and resurface over and over again. Sitting quietly in the dark, wondering how some are and trying to make some sense of the losses I have felt, most caused by my own hand. Wondering deep inside, if anyone really knows the hurt and pain I live with daily. How losing touch with someone is the same to me as losing touch with life. It leaves me strangely confused and tired inside.
I really do wonder what peoples lives would have been like, could have been if I had never existed...


KB said...

Hey sweetie,

You will get through as you always do. Did you get my mail hun?

Thinking of you

Angie said...


To know hurt you must first feel. How would we ever know how deeply we felt if we never hurt? A moment of unabashed love can wipe out all hurt.

Remember to rest in your faith. Give him the reigns,..I promise you he will not guide you wrong. He never has. Rest my friend..

You are seeing the signs and you know what to do....just not how. Break the cycle.

If you need help or if you want to talk.....call, email, whatever ...and I'll be there for you. I'm never far. I never have been.

Love u,

Darrel said...

thank you for your words and for always being near my heart. I hope this finds you doing well and I have not received any mail from you, Hon. Hugs, Always, Darrel

Darrel said...

Ang... thank you for your encouraging words. I understand all that you say and life will settle. This one has been a very Long road. I will get with you Soon. I promise. And yes, I have Always known you were just a thought away from me. Take care of you. Love ya, Boog.

KB said...

I've sent a couple recently and had no reply. Will try again :)

Jane Doe said...

'It leaves me strangely confused and tired inside.'

Wow, this describes so perfectly how I've been feeling lately. So many times I look at my girls who are teenagers now and think of how they grew up with me being depressed so much and in and out of the hospitals and treatment centers. I think of all the things I could have done for them and what I didn't do for them. Such thoughts take my breath away and leave an ache way deep in my chest that is always way too close to the surface.

Not that I'm trying to go on about me, I'm just trying to say that maybe, at least a little, I can understand what you are going through. It's a difficult, horrible place to be. A lot of times prayer helps, asking whatever God you believe in to heal the pain that those we may have hurt feel, and learning to forgive yourself. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Also, everything happens for a reason, and the things that people have to endure are sometimes necessary to mold them into who they are meant to be. No one floats through life without any hardships, it's just how it is. If you are interested there is an excellent book called 'As Silver is Refined' by Kay Arthur. I read it years back when I was a Christian. It talks about why people have to endure difficulties in life and how they can be transformed into valuable lessons and wisdom. As they say, 'God turns all things to good.'

And, sometimes we imagined that we've hurt someone and find out that we actually didn't. There are some things that I thought must have scarred my kids for life but they don't even remember.

Before I stop babbling (sometimes it's hard for me to not babble and be coherent, sorry) I just want to say, try to be gentle with yourself. Do something for you that makes you feel good. Pray, read, write, listen to some music, whatever.

I hope that maybe something in my extensive babbling helps. If not, just ignore it all! hehe

Thinking of you,


Darrel said...

Jane, I have found no babbling here. Only the words of a friend that has connected with my own words. Everything you say fels like home and I know that you understand. I thank you for this and read your words closely and feeling them as if they could be my own. and yes, I think you and I both carry a lot of unforgiveness for things that to those we felt we hurt, never looked for a "sorry" because they didnt even know we had hurt them. Only WE felt we did. Too Often, I think.
I keep you always in my prayers and my thoughts and think of you and how you are doing daily. Thank you and perhaps I will write more to you in mail. Hugs and God Bless you and your precious ones. Always, Darrel

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