Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Things I know about bitter/sweet


Bitter-sweet. Now that is an oxy-moron if I ever saw one. A bit like "colder than Hell" and sometimes just as confusing. But the word is real and it has so many meanings. The one that I am talking about is a feeling, an emotion that comes to us many times in our lives.
As my daughters have grown up, I watched them go from babies to toddlers to teens and on to becoming adults. The excitement in seeing my youngest going off to college to be a chef was "bitter-sweet. Seeing her grab one of her dreams and live it was the sweet in my heart. Knowing it would take her hundreds of miles away from her mother and I was the bitter. Seeing my oldest daughter find the man that would love her unconditionally was the sweet. Knowing she would move away from us was the bitter.
And then there was MY Sheila. The love of my life, who walked through fires with me and never let go of my hand was truly the Most sweetness of my life. So many years of suffering and enduring and yet never ever saying "I quit." Quitting was simply not an option for her. Then came the day that I took her to ER, where we had been a thousand times in our 24 years. Such a long wait to decide what to do. Then emergency surgery and waiting alone in the dark room, wondering what would be the outcome. Hearing her say to me as I was going to smoke, "Wait just another minute or two,o.k.?" Never once even considering the thought she might die. We had been here and done this more times than I could count. She Always came out of it. But not this time.
When the surgeon came out and told me he could not save her, I dropped to the floor, my legs no longer strong enough to bare the weight of such words. I begged him to do more. I told him she was my life. I told him... "I am nothing without her." Words that were no longer strong enough to keep her here with me. The "bitter" reality of it all. Where then does the bitter-sweet lie now? Bitter that she is gone now when i wanted another 24 years with her. Knowing I would have lifted her in and out of bed, in and out of the wheelchair, in and out of the van, just for a little while longer with her. Bitter that that was taken from me.
The sweet? Knowing she no longer needed me to lift her, to carry her, to make her as comfortable as I could. Knowing that, because she was now in heaven with our Father God. The knowing that she no longer hurts and no longer endures all that she did when she was living her on earth.
Bitter-sweet
Such a word seems as if it should not exist, but it does for all of us somewhere in our lives. A word that reminds us that there is always something sweet in the bitter, only though... if we choose to look for it.

10 comments:

Susan Sonnen said...

Darrel, you have been through so much and have been strong for so long. How blessed you are to have found such a great love! The depth of your love and the solidity (if that's a word) of your marriage come through clearly in your writing.

God bless~

Darrel said...

Susan,
I thank you for visiting my site. That is always an encouragement to my heart.
I thank you for your kind words here. They touch my heart and make me feel worthy of writing.She was my Angel on earth and now is my Angel in heaven.
Thank you again for your words. they were so deeply felt.

Health nut said...

My dad died from cancer after fighting a really long battle ... your words express exactly how I felt.

Darrel said...

Thank you so much for reading my blog. this is another moment of bittersweet as knowing you read it is a good feeling for me. Knowing you related to it because of your loss is the bitter part. I know you understand. God Bless you and thank you again for reading. Always, D

Moongirl66 said...

wow. You are brave to write these words...they are words that are hard for me to put down, but you nailed it. YOU NAILED IT.

Darrel said...

I thank you from my heart for your words. Sometimes they do come hard but when they are released and on screen, the contentment makes it worth the unsure thoughts I have sometimes. Thank you again for this. Darrel

Magdalen Islands said...

It is amazing how you are able to see both the good and the bad in all situations Darrel. I find you have a well-rounded attitude toward living.

Darrel said...

Wynn, I thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your kind words here. They are truly heart-felt and mean so very much to me. I think as long as we can take a negative and make it a positive in our life, we are moving forward. God bless you and thank you once again for your words. Always I AM JASA for you. D

C. R. Morris said...

This is a beautiful post. My grandmother died when I was 15. She was at home (cancer) and on high amounts of morphine. She didn't recognize anyone and my mother warned me of this as walked shyly into the room of the woman who had once been my world, the best grandmother ever. She looked at me and said, "that's mine." When she passed away, my grandfather fell to his knees as well and said, "don't leave me." Like you, what makes all of this sweet is the knowledge that she was instantly in Heaven. My grandfather joined a couple years later and perhaps, they have met your Sheila! May God always bless you and inspire you!

Darrel said...

My God, your words brought such tears to my eyes so instantly it startled me.I loved this woman they way your grandfather love your grandmother. I feel to my knees when told of Sheila's condition. I have never known nor will I ever know a love nor loss like I have known with my Sheila. She is in heaven and yes, i would like to think that all of them have met one another. OUR angels watching over US. God bless you and i wish only his best for you and yours. Thank you... Darrel

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