Friday, August 8, 2008

Hurt and words...

This morning, let's talk about hurt. Not the kind of hurt you get when you fall down or trip over something. That hurt defines it's own self. I am talking about hurt to yours or an others heart. Hurt by words or actions that can destroy a persons life, their self-esteem.
I sit here today and I think back over the years. So many things have been given to me in the form of blessings. Some I have treated right and done well by. Sometimes it was a physical gift i received and other times, it was a living, breathing person. A heart and soul that I had the opportunity to care for, love, give too as well as receive back love. I think about My Sheila and the love that we shared. Beautiful in every way and more blessings than I will ever be able to convey here. We spent 24 years together and never, ever spoke a harsh word to one another. We never raised our voices at each other and never went to bed angry.
A little off-shoot story to that is this one. We had friends that used to tell us that Not fighting now and then was unhealthy. Ha Ha Ha, what the hell is that??? But unsure if they were wrong or right, Sheila and I decided that every Sunday morning we would by a newspaper. We would open it and then she would take one side of an issue in there and I would of course take the opposite side. We would sit and debate, if you will, the issue. We would do this for one hour and call that our "fight" for the week. Strange, I know, but it satisfied us and that's what mattered.
But then one day, 21 years into our marriage, I simply lost touch with what reality really was. We had been to Hell and back more times than any couple I knew. She had been on deaths bed so many times and in and out of the wheelchair for 19 of those 20 years. I will never truly know what issue or what situation caused me to astray, but astray I went. {I open myself up here and pray only that you do not judge me harshly.} I had reasons unmentioned here for why I strayed. Two blood clots on my lungs with-in 3 years. Sitting at deaths door, hearing the doctor tell my family he could do nothing and for them to say their goodbyes. Time, laying there for hours, barely able to breathe definitely had an effect on me. My loving wife, spending too many Holidays and so many years in the hospital, watching her suffer in pain, knowing I could NOT make her better, Life bringing with it sorrow and tears and depression beyond what I could have ever imagined. Guilt that plagued my soul for past Wong's that ONLY I saw. Being forgiven by everyone except for myself. Take your pick as to which one sent me over the edge and into hurting the one woman I loved more than life itself. At any rate, I found I could not be all she needed though I realize today I was always that to her. What I did just her so badly and yet her unconditional love for me caused her to allow me to stay a huge part of her life and soul. We of course remained loving one another and stayed as one until the day she went to heaven.
But the HURT was so intense and I knew I caused it. My love for her and hers for me made the hurt worse. I look at the relationships I have been in since she went to heaven. I think of the hurt that I have caused peoples heart. GOOD people that did only one thing. They Loved me. My inability to give of myself all they needed and truly deserved caused them to go away. My taking their love and then becoming unable to commit myself fully made them cry and hurt. Though unintentional, hurt never the less.
I tell you all of this because the word "hurt" was so on my heart when I woke this morning. How strong is this word? In what capacity can it be used to inflict sorrow on ones soul? Words... words have the ability to shatter a persons heart and soul. Things that we say every single day have the potential to wreak havoc on somebodies life. As we speak to one another, we must think about what our words are going to do. What effect will they have and how hurtful will they be. We don't know what battle a person has raging inside of them. We don't know what state of mind they are in. It is so important that we think about this before we speak. Sheila and I survived what we went through for a number of reasons. One was for certain the fact that we never had a bad thing to say to one another.
Hurt comes in all shapes and sizes and can leave a person scarred for life. Loves grown that had all the greatest of good intentions that simply did not stay. They say the road to Hell is paved with "good intentions." I don't know. But I do know that to hurt someone you love dearly will leave you with regrets that will last your lifetime. There may be Forgiveness but there is rarely forgetting. Be careful how you speak to someone. Choose your words carefully and consider the other persons heart and soul. I will be forever seeking forgiveness for things I have done.
Again, why I write some of the things I write I have no clue. I only write what is in my heart... Always I am just me. Darrel


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