Saturday, August 16, 2008

Attitude... does it make a difference?

Looking out of my second story window, I find myself reflecting once again on Life and where it has brought me too. I wonder why things happen or have happened in my life. What purposes they served and how I am going to use each thing that occurs in my life. Attitude is everything and it is many times the difference between making a bad thing good or a bad thing worse. The silence I feel more than hear today reminds me of where my life is today. My love has gone to heaven and my life changed totally forever. How I dealt with or am dealing with the loss is a lot of where my life will go. Again, attitude.
Where do I wander when I go here? I go to the whys in life. Many years ago, before the Bipolar found me, before Sheila came out of remission and our life was good... I had a medical condition that returned after 15 years of silence. I have Pulmonary Embolisms that like to show up now and then and try to Kill me.It was a very nasty one and they called the family in to say their goodbyes. Thankful to God, I survived it and after 10 days went home. Our life continued to go well but the closeness to death I had experienced had begun to take a silent toll on me. Less than two years later, another clot showed up. This one worse than the other. I knew how serious this one was and prayed so hard that God would spare me. I will add a poem written by me to the end here that was all about this incident.
God did spare me and thus comes the place I go perhaps too often. That clot added to my fear of dieing and left me scared and lost inside. But as I look back now, watching out my window, unable to cause myself to go outside of the house today, I wonder why He did choose to save me. Had I gone to heaven that time, Sheila would never have known the terrible heartbreak I brought to her over the next 4 years she was with me. She would not have watched as I regressed and the Bipolar and Turrets took over inside of me. She would have known only the love that I had for her and she would never have seen our world fall apart. What was his purpose for keeping me alive when the doctors said it was a miracle that I survived? Did I survive only to hurt my Love in ways that I am not sure can be forgiven? Did I live so that I could spend my lonely nights, crying myself to sleep at night because I miss My Love so much? Too go on hurting others by watching them fall for me when I knew my love was limited?
Attitude... that thing that gets us through our day or leaves us walking around like a Zombie, afraid to go outside, afraid to talk to much for fear we might say something that would hurt another soul. Wanting desperately to love and give all that I am, but afraid that in doing so, I would make the love I have for Sheila seem untrue or unreal? Welcome to my world... a bit mixed and insane at times.
So now, each morning I wake and I tell myself all the reasons God saved me. I remind myself of all the "good" I have done for others. Remembering the lives that because I am here today, have been made it little better for knowing me. I give myself a list in my brain as to why I should stay. Why I should continue to write novels and share my thoughts with others. God must have had a reason for saving me and so I will for now, continue to do what I think is good. I will continue to reach out to hearts that are sad or that feel they have no worth. As I reach out to them, tell them that they are good and that they are loved, perhaps I am reaching into myself and telling myself the same thing.
Attitude...the story of how Sheila's attitude and will to live and love gave us 24 years instead of four, together. How a simple thing like having a beautician come into her hospital room and groom her and make her feel alive, saved her life for another 10 years. It caused her to feel Alive again after so very long in the hospital.
Attitude... how I will choose to walk through this life. Alone and wondering what might or might not be, pondering life and where I will go from here. Not an easy thing for me. I think sometimes my words have helped others, bipolar or manic or completely fine people understand they are not alone and that someone DOES understand and share their confusion.Perhaps my only reason for being here is so that others may know that they are loved and wanted and needed and will have a place to go when they are tired and just need to vent. There are for certain great blessing to receive in doing these things.
Today, for now, at this moment... I choose to have a Positive attitude. I choose to stay and continue to reach out to those in need and see them smile. this moment I choose not to tear myself down and cause my own self to hurt. It really is all about your attitude. It is the basics of survival in this crazy world.
Today, I will try and be happy...
the poem about my perception of the night I was nearly gone...
God In His Mercy Said Stay.

The thunder rolled in from all around
and the lightening struck the ground,
The clouds they moved like a roaring train
and my eyes hurt from the pounding rain.
The sky’s had a look about them
like nothing that I had ever seen,
The darkness was a blackness so complete,
I knew what it had to mean.
So frightened was I of what could happen this night
that somewhere I almost lost sight,
That though I wanted to stay with my children and wife,
“He” promised me eternal life.
I searched through the clouds and the terrible storm
looking for some sign of light,
Then in my heart I felt such a warmth
as a curtain opened and the sun shown in bright.
I looked through the window it’s golden light bright
and I felt it call me to come,
Though I knew it was heaven I was still feeling fright
for on this earth I just wasn’t done.
Now there are those who will say this was all in my head
and just the state of mind I was in,
But my friends as I laid in my room on the bed
it was heaven I saw through the dim.
In all of that darkness the storms raging wild,
a light shone through the darkness for me,
And God in his love and mercy for this child...
Gave me life and said “Stay for Awhile”.
Thank you Father for your love and mercy.

Author's Comments:
"This poem was written shortly after I had my last Pulmonary Embolism. That night I waited for over 40 minutes for an ambulance to get to me. The doctors called all of my family in and told them to say goodbye as I was going to die. I did see a light and doorway that night. I felt that I could have gone through it but I prayed to God to let me stay with my family a little while longer. He blessed me with his grace and let me stay. "


J. C. said...

Hi Darrel, great post. I just wanted to say that life is a great mystery and sometimes we ask ourselves how much do we really know about it. Sometimes I find myself struggling with some basic and plain questions, as if I were a teenager, not knowing a lot at all, and not a grown adult person with many hard and significant experiences.
Your friend J. C.

Darrel said...

thank you very much for the words you wrote here. Sometimes, i too think i havent really learned a lot in this life. Perhaps it is a good thing that life has a history of repeating because otherwise, we might never learn. Thank you for taking the time to read. Always, Darrel

Moongirl66 said...

Yes, your attitude is everything. There will always be good and bad, happy and sad...but if you choose to find a way to learn and grow you are choosing Gods path. Even when I have a "bad" attitude (often lol) I still pray to find a different outlook, it always comes to me. Always. Because I asked. It only feels like you have not learned much, because there is SO much to learn. The vastness of our experience is unparalleled.

When God wakes you to tell you something, you know it is pretty important, huh?

Darrel said...

your words are so true and I thank you for them. They do mean so much to me and yes, when you are woke from your sleep, it really is a beautiful time to sit and talk to God. He listens and understands so wonderfully. Hugsssssss to you and thank you for always listening. always, D

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