Saturday, August 23, 2008

Things I know about Unprovoked tears...

Tears... not a new word or even a subject I have not written about before.I wrote about tears in the night and I have written about tears from a man and how they are viewed. This morning, as I sat here going through my mail, doing surveys, answering mail that had sat way too long, it happened. The very reason I am writing right now. As I looked at my friend list, I felt a sadness trying to reach out and take me. I didn't have a clue why nor even where it came from. Hell, being Bipolar and half nuts sometimes, I shrugged it off to a little of everything. I even thought that maybe, just maybe it was an after feeling of having had so much fun vacationing and then coming home to such silence. Anyone of them would work, I am sure.
But this was something sort of new for me. An event, maybe we can call it that took me by surprise. I could feel the tears begin to slip down my cheek. I wanted to fight it and at the same time, something inside of me wanted it, perhaps more needed it. I began to write feverishly and try to avoid what felt like it could be huge. I heard all the things that I have seen in writing concerning my blogs. "Too much Sheila", "You seem so lost" and all the other words that rushed back into my head.
I needed so to talk and yet wanted to be silent at the same time. I was afraid that if I talked it would come so alive inside and outside of me.
I opened this site and for the first time in soooo long, I had 2 visitors. Two from 75 in day or two. I wondered if perhaps my writings were not reaching out to hearts and souls now. Had a lost the passion in writing? Had something become quiet inside without me seeing it? I didn't think so. What were these tears for? Where did they come from? Why did numbers for a day bother me so? I had friends that would have gladly talked to me. They always offer if I need an ear. Such wonderful friends and such blessings from heaven for me. A few that are near my heart said hi, one that is deeply dear to me... not available to talk. It just added to the tears. Silent, unprovoked tears that truly came from no-where and every-where.
I remember times in Sheila and my marriage, when I would find her crying alone. I would cuddle her and love her and ask her why she cried. What had i done to bring such sad tears from this woman I loved so much? Her answer was given to me in a gentle hug and soft kiss. A whisper that told me I had done nothing. She said she simply needed to cry. Perhaps, maybe I also just needed to cry. It made no sense to me when Sheila said it, but I excepted it. It makes no sense to me that I sit here, exposing myself, making my heart and soul vulnerable to anyones thoughts or writing. And yet... here I sit, tears flowing, feeling more alone than I have felt in forever. Feeling as if I am facing this Abyss alone. Wishing so mnay things had been different, knowing I can not change any of the past. Knowledgable in the fact that I can only change my future. A deep rooted learning that tells me that no one can have control over my heart or my soul, my very life,unless I myeslf give that power to them.
Perhaps in all of the sobbing, there was a message, a lesson that I needed to see. We say we need to clear eyes if we are to focus and fix issues. I wonder niow if in fact, we need tear filled eyes to cleanse our soul. Cleansed by the tears that have come, unprovoked but a little bit ordained by one so much bigger and so much more wise than me. I think when the tears do pass that I may have a better understanding of their importance in living and seeing clearer. I don't truly know. I only know the tears are warm and cascade down my face faster than I can stop them. they are so very real and why I wanted to share this with you, I don't know. Will more than 2 actually read this and feel the sadness of my soul? I don't know the answer to the question racing through my head. I dont know where these tears originated mentally nor where they will take me today. I will mow the lawn and do some laundry and keep myself busy, perhaps warding off what promises to be a heavy Low for me.
Unprovoked tears? Maybe, or maybe not. My subconsious knows that answer I am sure. Alone in a crowded world, surrounded by friends and loved ones. Wanting to be loved and felt by everyone yet feeling dis-connected inside my very being.Have you felt this sadness, this lonliness that threatens to take me down today? I wonder... Hugsss to the world and Hugsssssss, to me too...Always, Darrel........ Forgive me for this write because I know "I" will not. Darrel

2 comments:

ettarose said...

Darrel, I too need to cry, hell everyone does. I also know about the feeling of only having two visitors. Sucks don't it? It's time for a smile and let it go for the day. I am your friend even if I do not talk to you everyday. Smile big guy!

Darrel said...

Sue, your words are as always true and touch my soul. Let's smile together. We could both use that. Hugssss to you from me... Always, Darrel

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