Low's and a Freight Train...

I once believed that you could NOT stop a freight train that was in motion. I learned very recently... that simply is not true. Today, I sit and think of the New Year coming. I know that with the changing of the calender, so many new things will appear. Doors that have been open forever may close, making way for new ones to be opened. New roads to walk on and new hands to hold as you journey into things and places Unknown. Not All will be new. Some of the places we have been and people we have known for a lifetime will be refreshed and begin anew. AND some things... will remain exactly as they have been for a very long time.
This morning I was asked about the Bipolar Disorder. When asked, I always feel compelled to answer the question of "what is it" and "how do I know if I have it?" The link of have placed here gives a very good "Medical" description, which of course is where one should look first. It is very important that if you do think you may suffer from this affliction that you contact your Doctor and discuss it with her/him. They will know the proper channels to take in order to determine what it is you feel you may have.
But truly, a doctor is only going to be able to take you so far and then the individual personality traits step in. Though most Bipolar people have the same initial signs and actions that come with being Bipolar, each and every person is different in some ways. Some may suffer deeper Lows and deal with their issues unlike another Bipolar person. Depression is Always factored in as part of being Bipolar. Though one can be depressed and Not be Bipolar, no one that suffers from Bipolar disorder is with out Depression. How life's obstacles and sadness is faced and dealt with also have a great deal to do with how deeply effected you are by the disorder. What triggers a Low often evades the patient and there may be times that No reason s found. It simply comes on and effects your daily routine, your love life, your thoughts and decisions and it effects your ability to function in the "outside" world. Small things that never effected you or that do Not effect most people may set your emotions on a downward spin. Tears that may go on for hours or even days. The feeling of being worth nothing to anyone or that everything or everyone you touch will turn into a disaster. A desire to be alone a great deal of your time and the fears of what may happen if you stay in the Low too long are always thoughts inside the head of a bipolar person. Highs that cause you to believe that there is not a single task nor a single person that you can not fixed or finish. But in the end, the Low slips in and the realization that you are NOT a Super human sets in.
Today... actually last night, I had a life altering situation come to me. And in that situation, the very question that was asked of me, was answered. The Low that has set it's Talons into my mind is as strong as they get for me. As I describe it to you, you will have a first hand experience with a bipolar person in a low. Confusion and a feeling of dis-connection from the rest of the world settle inside my mind. Uncertainties and the barrage of guilt and anger and sadness and fear all coupled together by a string in my mind layed the foundation for a Low that will take me from one end of being lost to the other side of feeling empty and alone. I will process and assess and I will take blame and atone. I will feel as if I don't deserve to know happiness or love because I have hurt someone, in some way... whether or not that actual hurt even occurred.
Is it cold in the house today or is it simply my sadness that has left me wrapped in a blanket, feeling as if it were 20 below zero in the house. Turning the heat up in the house only to find oneself roasting and turning the heat back down again. The world, for now, suddenly seeming less safe and less inhabitable by one such as myself. Smoking far more than normal and searching the empty space around me for some type of security, anything that I can take hold of and hold close to me as if it were a life line to reality. A door, once open with a "welcome" mat in front of it, now closing, though I struggle with whether or not that can even happen. The door closing from the inside and myself standing somewhere outside. Afraid and writing with all that I am because it is a "safe place" for me. Scared of where this Low may take me and so I fight with all that I have inside of me to stay afloat in a sea of sadness and silence and fear.
THIS... this is My world. This is what being Bipolar is to me. The emotions tearing at me and the knowing that I will have to face this up close and personal and that it will take all that those that love me unconditionally have inside of them to pull me out of this train wreck. "You can't stop a freight train in motion"... Unless you take the tracks away it rides on. Always, Simply Me.

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The New Year... what will it bring with it!?!?!?!?

Today I sit alone in a very quiet house. No kids, no sounds except for the purring of my cat George. Yes, George is of course a she. But, enter my little Bipolar brain and just nod that "Of course" nod that tells me you are not at all surprised. I think back to the year that is almost finished with a sense of completion, yet at the same time... with a feeling that so many things did NOT get done. Projects started 100 times over, sometimes with almost the promised look that they Would in fact be completed, but with the knowing that they probably would not.
I have watched all of my girls grow and change in many ways. I have felt things that have Always been, slowly slip away, leaving me with a sense of emptiness. I have been loved more than I am sure I deserve. Time has gotten away from me more often than I have controlled it. Times with my therapist that has helped me more than I can say. And finding a safe place that has finally settled in to my heart and mind, telling me that she will not hurt me or take advantage of the mind set that is "my" little world.
I wonder what this new year will bring to me. I await it with a huge mix of excitement and fear. Excited that I may see my next novels in print. Excited that I may see my oldest two daughters find happiness and true love. The fear of knowing that for every "UP", no matter how high it takes me, there Will be a "Low" to battle. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through the on-slaught of Lows that will be part of my New Year. And the knowledge that with new things come changes and changes are simply something I do NOT do well with.
This has been a different Christmas for me also. The weather has been a disaster here, truly, since the Spring rains that did not want to stop. And on August 9th, the storm to beat all storms in Eldora struck. Winds so high that the town's meter broke and we were only at 116 miles per hour when it broke. Hailstones so big they took out every window in the house and part of the roof. One, kept for remembering, placed in the freezer, that was the size of a softball. The loss of our pet squirrel due to shock from the storm. Clean-up and new rooves and windows that after over 5 months, is still going on.
December, the month of Christmas... a time for joy and laughter and going to G-ma's and G-pa's for a huge Christmas meal. This year, like so many other things related to the ever changing weather, a winter storm hit us a week before Christmas. Eighteen inches of beautiful but dangerous snow fell on us. Then, Christmas eve and the day before, we were bombarded with Ice!!! Ice and rain and more ice and rain. All roads in and out of Eldora closed to travelers. There would be no Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad's because there was no way to get into their house. A change! Huge and different and hard for me to adjust too. We would have Christmas dinner at home with just my little family. Sitting down and enjoying and knowing that the true reason we got together was to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and to give thanks for all he has given to us. Perhaps our father in heaven wanted to remind some that Christmas is Not about getting together and exchanging gifts. It is about celebrating his son's birth. No matter where you are or what you are doing, it is still the day we have set aside and called it Jesus' birthday.
Still, fear lies inside of me. A fear that the new year Will be like the year that is almost over. That I will still start a thousand projects, still make a hundred promises, that when they were made, were pure and true and that my heart meant to keep. Life, ever changing, some for the good and some... causing me to go into a massive depression again. I know that I am different in my issues and the disorders that are always a part of my life. I hear of all these people that hide away for days. I know of some that simply can not face anyone nor anything and they find a place to be and simply stay there until their Low has subsided for a time again.
Me!!!??? I have family that relies on me daily for so many things. Children that need their father to be able to reach out and be there for them. I can NOT simply disappear for a day or two. I know in my heart that to be able to do that perhaps would be the worst possible scenario for me. The feeling of worthlessness and of failure, the destruction inside of me that goes on because I KNOW I have not completed so many things, would overwhelm me in such a terrible way. BUSY!!!! That is my savior daily. Parents that taught me that no matter what, you have responsibilities and so where my mind or my heart go, must be always secondary to whatever this sometimes 1000 mile per hour brain of mine takes me. Too much alone time, to few responsibilities would translate for me into "time to atone for me sins." Sins that perhaps do not truly exist except inside of my own mind and heart. Hurting people I love because my mouth says what is on my heart, sometimes too quickly. I want to be that number 1 best selling author. I want to be a good father. I want to be true and good. And I KNOW that if not for the things that keep me Busy, I Would find a place and sit and not move and not speak to anyone except for myself.
Life is strange as it is. It is hard at times and beautiful also. I am loved so sweetly and my "issues" simply noticed and tenderly subsided. And yet, still, there is the sadness that lives inside of me that wants so much to destroy anything that might be finished. Why? Because in finishing something, it can now be assessed and judged or rated. And that... leaves a door open to failure. See the abstract places my mind goes? Feel the sense of dis-connection I must live with? Feel my heart today and know that I want the New Year to be a better year. I want to know the things I dream of. I want to touch the lives that are a part of my very being. I want to have a day that I Do NOT see myself as anything other than a messed up man that is out of place in this world. I want to know Peace.

Merry Christmas with Love... Bipolar and All.

Christmas... A season of joy and family togetherness. A time when people travel miles and miles, their vehicles filled to the brim with packages and food and children squealing and laughing. Thoughts of a huge turkey basting in Grandma's oven and all the trimmings waiting to be devoured by the on-slaught of person after person. Dressing, hot out of the Bird, mashed potatoes with turkey gravy covering them. Sweet potatoes, soaking in brown sugar and marsh mellows with cranberries in a bowl not far away. The relish tray adorned with olives and pickles and celery and carrots and a dip made of cottage cheese, mayo and ranch dressing begging to be eaten. And the Hot buns that will have butter melting inside of them, looking like the perfect place for a slice of the Honey Ham that will be sliced, fresh out of the oven. A house that is filled with all of the aromas that tell us it is Christmas Day. Conversations going every which way and family trying to be part of as many of them as they can at one time.
Listen closely and you can hear Grandma and Grandpa whispering to one another how wonderful it is to have all of their family together again. Each year a blessing just to be still present and well. A prayer being said by all of the children, young and older, telling God we are thankful that his son was born on this day that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. How beautiful a picture that is. A Picture I painted directly from my own Christmas days Past and Present. How could anything so beautiful have a single thing about it that would cause a person to become depressed????
There is a measure of people... 3.5 million to be at least close, that the holidays are very hard for to get through. Life isn't always the same on the outside of ones mind as it is on the inside. depression has a way of finding things to be sad about. Taking all the wonders of the season, analyzing them, picking them apart and finding the things that DID NOT happen or that DID happen that had nothing to do at all with the season. Although many wish that for just one single day, their minds could forget all the past and the things that drag them down, somewhere in the quiet moments, when there is NOT 100 conversations going, thoughts will find their way out and take a person from very, very happy to very sad. Tears without reason will fall and feelings will over take the smiles that were theirs only moments ago. They will find a place to be alone because they don't want... or should I say Can not answer the question of why they are sad when someone asks them. It may be as short lived as a cigarette smoke or as long as the night lasts. It even comes in short spurts and a trip to the restroom can be the difference between happy and sad.
I write this today for the reason that I write most of my posts. I write it so that people know they are not alone in these feelings. I write so they don't feel as if they have ruined everything for the holidays or that Anything that goes wrong on Christmas Day was caused in some way by them. I write to let others know that they are loved and that they simply need to walk away now and then, find a place to be alone and gather their thoughts. Even if just for a moment or two, it will help. I write this today so that someone out there knows that if they have their "safe place" person with them on Christmas Day, it is alright to tell them you are feeling a bit Ummmm, "Abstract" I like to call it. "Disconnected" works wonderfully too. I write this today for people... people JUST LIKE ME. You can get through the Christmas Crazies and enjoy them. All the food and laughter and smiles is there for You too. Take the day a moment at a time and remember, those people love you, even when you don't think you deserve to be loved. God Bless you all and May the Christmas season be bright and beautiful for you. And remember, You are Not alone. Not ever. Someone bigger than you or I has his loving hand on us. Merry Christmas from our home to yours. Always, Darrel

Just my heart talking...

As another day was about to close last night, I reached for my guitar to tune the it. A new string needed to be added and so with that comes the stretching and tuning over the next day or two. Agreeing to play and sing with a four year olds program for a Christmas caroling at the local bank was a wonderfully rewarding blessing. The children are eager and they sing with their hearts. No worries about what others may think. No concerns as to whether they are singing in tune or in some key not yet defined by the music industry. They simply want to sing and see people smile as they do. They bring a joy to the hearts of all that hear them sing.
The guitar falls easily back in to tune and my family gathers around to sing a few songs. "Just a moment is all I need, to make sure it is in tune," I tell them. Two hours later, I am sure it is now in tune. We have sang as a family since they were babies. Now, grown and living lives of their own, they ask over and over for songs that we have sang for a life-time. Their life-time and mine. The sad songs of the Sixties. They beautiful songs of the 70's and the 80's ring out. We sing in the same way that this Abstract, bipolar mind works. We slide easily from Gospel to oldies and toss in a bit of country so that my beautiful family can do a little Line dancing.
"I don't know for sure how to Waltz, Dad. Show me please." I look at my oldest and smile. This ole body hasn't Waltzed since a few years before their mother went to heaven. But... Waltz we did. And I still have both my feet! A two step and a jitterbug later and my legs are telling me to sit. Did I miss a step in that jitterbug? Was my Waltz a little faster than need be? I don't know. What I do know is that we smiled and we laughed and we sang. Like those precious Angels I am blessed to sing and play the guitar with at a local bank today, we didn't worry whether it was perfect or not. We only cared that it was fun.
And so today, I think about Christmas and what I will do this year. I will sing with my family and will enjoy all the food and festivities that come with it. I will say a prayer for those less fortunate than I. And I will remember the pure innocence of the children and how they do not worry nor care about what others are thinking of their sounds. They simply Enjoy as will I this Christmas season. Times past mingled with Time present to make the season almost perfect. There is a feeling in the air this time of year. Grab hold of it and smile. Don't look back and don't worry what others may be thinking. Just Enjoy their smiles and laugh.

In another persons shoes...

This morning, as I sit and look out at the snow laying on the ground, thinking about how cold it is outside... I wondered something. Life is a challenge for most these days. There are bills to pay and kids to raise. There are tasks to be done and life in general to make it through. One day at a time. I look around at all that I have here. The roof over my head keeping my safe and dry. I see all of my world possesions. Things I hold close as my own and things that I can not remember when nor the reason why I bought them or still have them. I think to myself just how fortunate I really am. I close my eyes for a moment and I thank God in Heaven for all the blessings he had bestowed upon me. Not riches beyond my wildest dreams but enough to pay bills and enjoy life a little bit.
And then another thought came to me. I began to think about those less fortunate than me. My heart weighs heavy while thinking about the homeless and the unsheltered. My mind wanders to the Missions that open their doors to these people, some barely into their teens. I feel a stab at my heart and realize exactly how blessed I am. There are so many people, adults as well as children that are "without" this Christmas Holiday. They have no home, little to no food and their thought this Christmas will be where their next meal will come from. They are not worried about whether or not that will open a gift this year. All they want is a warm place to sleep and a hot meal to fill their stomachs. Winter is here! The cold has set in and suddenly... it isn't a place that any person should be outside in, unprotected from the elements.
We live in a world where we toss away more food in a day than some eat in a week. I can hear my Mothers voice echoing in my ear. She is telling me that I need to eat what she put on my plate. She says "there are people in this world that are starving!" My thought, though I kept it to myself was "O.k., send this to them then." It was funny then. I laughed about even years later. Long after my mother finally got tired of sitting there telling me to eat and tossed the food on my plate in the garbage. We ourselves were not rich in any way but we always had food and a roof over our heads. We always had heat in the house and the right clothes to wear when the weather turned cold.
Today, so many years later, I Understand. I know that my mother was right. She was right then and she would still be right today. There "really" are starving people in this world. In a world that produces food and more food so that we can toss it if we decide not to eat it, there are those that would gladly have eaten it for us.
Today, this minute, I sit and thank God for all he has given to me and my family. I thank him for the house and the food and the extra things that I sometimes, I forget I even have. I write this to you because we should not live in a world of hungry homeless people. We as a people should and Can reach out to do a little something to help those less fortunate. Walk in their shoes for just a minute and see how it feels. Better yet, walk outside in the cold without your shoes on and feel what they feel each and every day. The economy today has effected every single person in the world in some way. Whether it be big or small, the effects are visible and felt by millions. Jobs are being cut and families are going without many things they had been accustomed to. Lives are being changed and families are finding it harder to pay bills.
This Christmas season... I challenge you to reach out to someone less fortunate than you are. I implore you to seek out a family, a shelter for women or homeless. Find that someone or someones that will go without the festivities of the holiday season and take tyheir hand. Give of yourself something they do not have. There are so many ways to do this. I will list them for you so you don't even have to go looking. Take the initiative and share what has been bestowed upon you and yours. Just think how many we could help, if even for a single day, feel the warmth that is Christmas. Celebrate the precious season by freely giving to someone that does NOT have what you have. Two thousands years ago, a man lived and died for us. He suffered and bled that our lives might be enriched. He gave Everything for people that had nothing. Freely, he gave and freely we should Honor him and do the same.
Please, reach into your hearts and find a way to help another. They are our brothers and sisters, our mothers and fathers and our neighbors. They are not as far away as we may think or try to keep them. This year, let us not allow the "economy" to stop us from bringing warmth and good will to others. freely we have taken and now I ask you, freely give.
Here is a list of things you can do to out reach. The blessings in your heart will be something you can't even imagine. List... More... Food shelters...
This is just a few to help you get started. I promise you, you will not have to look far to find someone to bless. You may find them right in your own community or neighborhood.
Blessings to you All. Give with your heart. Volunteer somewhere and I promise you, it will be appreciated. And be thankful for what you Do have this year. Always, Darrel

Writing... It Is an Art.

When I think of writing being called an art, it causes me to think of the why it may be called that. When a writer is transferring thoughts from the mind or imagination, to paper, or as may be the case today... to screen, it does become Art. The ability as much as it is a Need to cause the reader to "See" what is being written is in fact Art.
To write without the ability to create a canvas painting or a Big Screen scene while writing leaves the reader with only words. Words that could be tossed into a Dictionary or a letter to an unknown person. They serve only to fill in space. It is truly the writer that can create a scenario for the reader that comes to life as if it were 3-D or Live , that creates with their mind the painting that will endure and last in a readers mind. To take a simple barn and cause it to become the "Red Barn that stands alone in a field, it's paint peeling from the wood, straw left long ago to dry and be blown into the wind, sticking out from the open window at the top of the now nearly colorless barn" is the same as painting a picture for the reader that they can see as well as feel.
Such is the life and the desire of every writer. This is the essence of their soul being layed out in the open for all the world to see. If a writer can capture this very vivid picture for their readers then he has indeed made writing "an Art." I am confidant in myself that I have done this for you, the reader in both of my novels. Be prepared to not only read the words, but to feel them as if you were sitting right where the characters are.

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Sign of the Times...

As we approach the Christmas season, I sit back and think about the year that is almost over. So many changes, both personally and for our nation as a whole. We voted in a new President, filled with promises as they all make, Before getting into office. We have all watched our nation go through changes and though I would not lay all of our economic issues on One man, certainly we have NOT done better so far. We still have more men than I care to count over seas, Not coming home to be with their families this Christmas. That is huge to me. I am a Veteran and I understand fully the need to protect our land. I do NOT understand our precious men and women still not home. But... this is not about that issue today. So I will move on. This is about the economy and Christmas.
I know that times have changed from last year and that so many families are feeling the effects of the nations woes this season. I watched friends and family alike lose their jobs to another country. My own family is feeling the effects of the nations ignorance and greed. To save money, to make a bigger profit that will NOT be passed on to the workers that truly are the back-bone of any company that exists today. Neighbors that watched their jobs that they had given 20 years to, be sent to Mexico and other countries, leaving them jobless, will feel the impact this season.
I wonder why it is so hard for "intelligent" people, men and women that call themselves smart and American, to figure out that if you send our work to other countries, We as a nation will NEVER, EVER come out on top. People, the big boys up top will pad their pockets and will even give a "Token" amount to charity, but the people that made them what they are today, will not see those pluses to sending our work else-where. I wonder sometimes where it will really all settle out.
When presents are unwrapped this year, there will be a few less to open. There will be those left un-opened, waiting for loved ones to come home. There will be families that will talk to their loved ones Via satellite, the Internet... some other way than face to face. And there will be OTHER countries that smile and celebrate the good fortune of another country, our country, handing them what used to be ours. I wonder what our President and his cabinet will think, Our Congress and all the leaders that have allowed this too happen will think when we no longer need any of them because there is nothing left here to govern.
I am an American and I love this country! I am intelligent enough to know what should be and what really just shouldn't be. I wish only the best things for this land and Still believe that the people will one day stand up and find a way to Not allow this to happen anymore. A new year is coming and we as a nation, need to stand together, support our loved ones over seas, whether we agree or don't agree with the war... And make our home a better place. A Place with out Hunger or strife amongst our selves.
And then my daughter steps in and truly puts it all into perspective, concerning the Christmas Season. And I quote... "If it is really about the presents or lack of presents, Daddy...then maybe we needed something to remind us what Christmas is really about. It's about peace and love and the birth of our saviour."
Woww, she really knows how to make one think... Thank you for that, Shannon.

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Great Christmas Gift Idea

If you are looking for a great Christmas Gift, look no further. My novels, Abduction and Until Death Do We Meet will make excellent gifts for that suspense reader on your Christmas list. Normally they sell for 20.00 dollars each. Purchase them as a Christmas gift and you can get them both together for 35.00 dollars. That's a five dollar savings to you... an extra stocking stuffer or roll of film for keeping memories.
With each order you will receive the novels, autographed YOUR way, along with a CD of easy listening music, written and recorded by me titled "SimplyD". In the U.S., I pay all shipping costs.For overseas, add 15.00 dollars for shipping. Get them now so that you will have them in plenty of time Christmas.
From me to you, I wish you all a safe and memorable Holiday season, now and throughout the New year. Thank you, Darrel.

Soldiers... here and gone.

Today is Veterans Day. A day set aside to honor and to remember the brave men and women who have or are protecting our country. We take a moment out of our busy lives and have parades and school plays and bands playing the National Anthem to pay homage to the wonderful soldiers that have layed down there lives to keep our country free. Today i went to concert at our local school. From kindergarten to the High school, every grade honored our veterans. They sang songs about our Flag and told in beautiful voices how beautiful our country is. From "Your a Grand Ole' Flag" to "Oh Beautiful", I felt the spirit of our Homeland being Honored. The Band played the Theme of each one of the services and as each Branch was played, the veterans of that branch were asked to stand and be recognised. I felt such a pride as the United States Air force Theme was played.
At the end, as 120 students paraded past the audience, each carrying a U.S. Flag, the song by Lee Greenwood, "I am Proud To Be An American" was being played.
Today, I stopped and really thought about what it means to be an American. It means loving and honoring your country. It means standing up for your country and defending it whether by words or weapons. It stands for being free and the knowledge that we are only free because of the men and women that have stood and paid the price for or freedom. The brave people that have fought for this country against every adversary that one could imagine. Leaving this land to go to places they have never seen before... some that they had never "heard" of until they landed on their soil. Leaving their families behind to stop the enemy from getting close enough to harm this land we call home.
I sit and think of the causes we have fought to keep, both here and abroad. The Right to freedom of religion. The right to bear arms to defend our selves. And then I thought of the "right of Freedom of Speech" and my heart saddened a bit. I thought about things I have heard "fellow" Americans say about our men, our country and the war we fight right now in Iraq. A war that for whatever reasons we are fighting, whether it be to defend against terrorists or free a people from Tyranny, we are in it. Freedom of Speech is not limited here in America. There are few rules to govern what we say aloud. What a shame that there might need to be.
To be an American to me, does NOT mean you can talk down your country. It does not mean you have the right to speak badly of our soldiers or what they are doing. They are doing what they were told to do. I think that being an American means that whether we agree or we simply agree to disagree, we show support for our soldiers. They are after all the reason we are living in a land that IS Free. I am thankful for each and every man and woman that has stood up to defend our Honor and our way of life. I sleep sound because they are there. And as for me and those in my house, I say THANK YOU, from the deepest parts of my heart to every single soul that has ever fought to defend my freedom. God Bless America ,,, And God, watch over our troops. They are just Angels in Uniform.

Purpose... Is it a Must for Surival?

Purpose... such a strong word. Purpose is the reason for an action being done, an object existing or being made or used. Purpose can be synonymous with the goal or the intended result of an action. It means to be here on earth for a reason. Something bigger than just existing. To go through life with out ever serving a purpose, without ever reaching out to someone to help them to me, is a wasted life time. So many are in need of someone to touch their lives and help them in some way. Many that have no idea how to ask. The rewards that come with helping someone, with knowing your purpose is immeasurable. For some... it is their only means to survive in this world.
This being said, what happens when you can no longer find your purpose? What changes in your world when the reason you got up every single morning leaves? And where do you go when even those around you don't truly need your help? They are totally able to care for themselves. Walking through life with a "care-givers" soul, it is difficult at times to find reason for even being, existing. The purposes we have in this world are what give us the motivation to get out of bed and start the day. It begins as soon as we open our eyes. We focus and even look forward to the day, existing with the knowledge that today... someone, somewhere is going to or already Does need you.
Suddenly, you wake one day and find yourself searching for that Purpose. Looking through your life and at those around you, you strive to reach into each one of them and find a Need. I knew for ever it seems what my purpose was. I reached out o so many and helped them along their journey through life. While I was helping them, they were also helping me in more ways than I knew sometimes. They were saving me while I was saving them. And some, sadly, I let down. I failed them as a friend and as someone they loved and cherished. Too busy with life and yet as mixed up as it sounds, I should have been busy with their life. My "Purpose" and I let them slip away, leaving them alone and without encouragement. When you surround yourself with people in need and suddenly that "need" is gone, where does that leave you???
The need to help someone, the desire to have purpose I think is a survival mode inside. I don't know if everyone has it with in them. Perhaps there are those that can survive without a real purpose. What I know is this. people are placed in our lives many times for a reason. A Purpose, They come into our lives, sometimes only for a season. When the purpose for them being in our lives is found and that purpose has been fulfilled, they may simply move on. But forever, they are embedded, bonded to your life and memory for the rest of your life. Someone else will fill their spot or you, will fill a spot in someone else's life. The blessings filling your life with a reason to be.
When you suddenly wake and realize you don't know what your purpose is, it is a terribly frightening place to find ones self. It can absolutely leave you feeling worthless. The search goes on to find my purpose in this world that surrounds me. I truly hope that I find it soon, before it destroys me and my world.

Being an Empath... The Feelings of Others.

Before I begin, you need to know what an Empath is. The definition link will tell you the answer, but I think there is so much more. The ability to feel other peoples or even animals emotions is not something I would easily call a "gift" as such. That is not to call it a curse either but perhaps something more in between. The fact that one can take on the sadness or happiness of those around them can be a bit of both. Being psychically tuned in to the emotional experiences of a person brings on a deeper realm of each and every emotion. Although the "good" feelings are stronger, the sadness and horror harbored inside a persons soul is also stronger, more intense.
It was many years ago that I felt the sadness and excitement of people around me. In the beginning, long before I had even heard the word "Empath", it was only those closest to me that I could feel. Even more so, it was those that I felt a sadness for that truly found their way into my mind and my heart. I had not a clue what caused these feelings nor why I seemed to be the only one that could feel them. I smiled at happiness that was not my own. I felt inside that anyone elses smiles were just as much mine. The same had to be said about their sorrow and their loneliness. I could feel the emotions finding a deeper place inside of me as time went on. When I did realize, more was shown that I was an Empath, though it made more sense, the feelings continued to increase. I found ways to channel the feelings so that they were not so intense at times. Especially when it was no longer just those closest to me that I felt.
But I truly write today because of something else I noticed. Maybe learned is a better word. it has everything to do with the emotions i have been talking about. The ones that invade my mind without invitation and send me into a huge tumble. It was the knowledge that it didn't nor does it now matter the intensity of my own sorrows. That the reason they were so often pushed aside for others feelings was that it was and remains more important to see others happy. the happier and more content those I love and am surrounded by, the less sorrow I have to endure for them. The sadness that so many experience is sometimes nearly unbearable for me. I want at times to talk about it with them but there is a fear in me that screams out that if I do that, it will bring it to the surface. This will only guarantee me that the pain will be strong. Powerful enough I believe at times that it could destroy me.
Funny thing, not being afraid so much as to what your own sorrow will do to you as much as you fear what others pain will do to you. Looking at someone, even at a glance, and feeling your whole being fill with sadness is something few imagine and fewer want to. Crying inside and outside for sins you didn't cause but feel inside, none the less. And the knowing that the sadness that is felt is sometimes multiplied by the already too real sorrows of your own past. This... is he life of an Empath. No frills. No balloons or whistles. Just the sounds and the feelings of everyone that walks by you... AM I alone on this one? I doubt it seriously. Darrel

Am I forgetting????

This morning I sit and write in sadness. My night was short or long, depending on how you see it. My sleep was over-taken by dreams that caused me to cry out in the night. I woke with tears streaming down my face at the memories of what I had dreamed in the night. And I woke up afraid. Not because the dreams were nightmares. I woke afraid because they were so real and made me wonder what they meant. It was at any rate a very long night.
3 years and 8 months ago, my entire life changed. Everything I knew, every reason I got up in the morning... changed. Sheila and I had been together for almost 25 years. Our daughters were grown and our life different for certain but still filled with Love and caring and a forever that was to travel the miles from earth to heaven and back down to earth. It was a love that had seen so much sickness and so many hospital rooms. We walked through fires hand and hand and nursed one an others burns when we came out the other side. And this love saw a man broken, lost and breaking the heart of the very woman he had pledged his life too. A Man that no longer felt he was worthy of this Angels love and so he stepped out, thinking it was she that would one day leave him.
3 years and 8 months later, I wake with tears and sadness at realizing that she would have never left me. I stayed at her side to the day she went to heaven, never walking far away from her. We kissed good morning and kissed good night every single day of our life together. We whispered our "I love you's" and spoke them out loud even after I had done her so wrong. I still tell her I love her and know she hears me say it. I will always say it.
After nearly 4 years, loving someone new and feeling contentment at where my life is, still, I dream of Sheila. Mostly good things and wonderful memories. But that was not last night. Not unhappy where I am, I wondered why the dreams last night were so different, so hard.The sorrow and tears were so strong and real and I sat today, questioning why. I dreamed of her in her wheelchair, alone. I found her and cuddled with her and told her how Much I loved her. I waited in the dream for doctors to come and make her better. I called to them aloud in my dreams. I woke myself, calling out her name. Telling the empty air that I could not see her... I could not find her. I ached to know the feel of her tiny hand on mine just once more. I strained to hear her voice and prayed I would remember the sound when I woke. But, I didn't. I reached out to touch her and she wasn't there. But I heard her small tiny voice say so gently to me, "I am not gone, Love. I am right there in your heart, right where I have always been."
Fear? What am I afraid of today? I am afraid that I am forgetting her. I am so scared that I am leaving her behind somewhere because I am living a new life. I fear that God may not know me when I go because of the hurt I caused Sheila. Are these real fears? Yes! People will tell me it isn't a big deal or not to worry about it. They will say "you need to stay focused on the future" and I will nod. But in my heart, I will ask God to forgive me for what I did to her. I will ask him to remember the 24 years we spent together and all we stood by each other through. And I will thank him for the blessing of entrusting Sheila, who was sick from 1 year after we married until she went to heaven. A love... My Love that went too soon and left me without my having said All I wanted to and should have said to her.
Yes, I live each and every day with the guilt of what I did wrong. I pray silently that God will feel that the good far out-weighed the bad. The dreams will come again and I pray for strength to keep moving on with my new life, my new love. I cry even now because I don't want to forget her. I don't want to wake one morning and realize I have let her go away. I sit here crying because I Miss her so. And I wonder... Do I deserve to cry? I hope I am still allowed to cry for her. I remember all of our fun times and how hard we laughed as we went through our life together. And I pray once more that I am Not forgetting My Sheila.

Welcome... to My World.

As I sit here and look out my window at the weather, my thoughts drift from place to place. Nothing unusual about that for this bipolar man except... today I am able to reach out and touch a few of the thoughts. Very unusual for this man. Normally my thoughts race so fast that I can not catch, let alone, feel one of them. I like the moments, fleeting as they may be that I can do this.
Perhaps it is the weather itself that is allowing me to spend a moment with a thought or two. I see the ones that said I might want to make other blogs. Separate my thoughts on being bipolar from my short stories. A good thought that I am thinking on doing. Have a site for my "issues" and one for my short stories, so they do not all run together. I thank her in my mind and here for the idea. I think about the year we have had and how very different our seasons were this round. We had a wet spring that slid into summer without being noticed. The "summer" really wasn't much of a summer at all.
Now, as I sit here watching the rain quietly turning to snow, I wonder too where our Autumn went to. My favorite season seemed to wash past us in a fury of storms and rain that will be remembered for a long time to come. Devastating and yet because of the terrible storm we endured, the town is getting a face-lift. New rooves and new windows. Bright, clean new siding going on houses. As I watch this I think "Wow, this is the storm that is still here. It will be here, fresh in our minds until the final touches of new are completed. And still, we will remember why it looks so good every time we pass a new roof or new siding.
As I write, I feel my thoughts begin to race again. The wonderful feeling of holding a single thought begins to fade a bit. Soon, I will be back to abstract thought an chasing the thoughts until I am weary. And still one more thought comes to me. It settles and allows me to spend a moment thinking. That thought??? I watch each year as the season change a little more each year. More storms, more weather... less summer and short Autumns. I wonder if this is how it will stay. Will the seasons now take on a new look, a new length of staying?
And the thought that tangled with it. This is like me. Over the seasons, I too have evolved in different ways. I have settled a bit on that My Shiela is happy in heaven and that she doesn't have thoughts of sadness or of jealousy. She is now walking a new walk. One that will take her to the next step until we are all finished here on earth. I see and feel little changes in me like what I want from life and reaching out to make it mine. My springtime beautiful in that I have found new flowers and a place to make new memories. My summer, life fast pace and heated at times seems to have been melded into the Autumn of my life. The time to reap what I have sown, good and bad. seeds I planted in my children now blossoming, again of good and of sad.
I hold on as tightly as I can to Autumn, knowing that winter has already begun again. Snow outside whispering to me that Jack Frost has taken in a breath and is ready to exhale. I don't want to let go and allow winter to come. I like who I am in spite of the abstract thoughts and times when I truly am not sure why I stay.
I wonder too, as I do about the changing seasons, if this is how it will be now for me. Will some seasons, some friends stay for just a little while? Will my life all meld into one of such rushed moments, that I will miss the differences in the seasons? I want to experience each season, gently and slowly. I want to feel spring and see new life. I want to feel the heat of summer on my face and in my heart. I want to smell the fire-places as they start to burn in the fall. See the leaves change color slowly, not simply fall off the trees because winter came too soon.
Life is good and I am happy, mostly. I hold on to the mostly and look towards tomorrow. I wait to see if Jack Frost exhales or if he just gently blows his winter down on us. This.. is the mind of a bipolar. The mind that is gifted in being able to see life and everything it is in so many different ways. To imagine and feel everything and every place this mind takes me. Bad??? I don't think so. Hard to live with? Sometimes. Living life and making it all an analogy to reality and fiction. To always compare things that are real to something beautiful or ugly. Perhaps, just maybe, I have found a way to look at life and never see the ugly. To take every experience, every season, and make it a blessing. To be thankful for being able to be loved and love more than any one man deserved. To see the world through different eyes than the rest of the world. Not such a bad thing. Only when the abstract takes over and the Low times explode.
Do you have to be of like mind to understand what I have written here today? Hmmmmm??? I wonder how the rest of the world reads this.

The Writer Gazette... Resources at your fingertips.

You are a writer. You have finally finished that novel you had put away and taken out 20 times over the past X years. Now, the really difficult part about writing.Where are you going to send this creation? How do you know if it is "publisher" ready? What about a Query letter? What is a publisher looking for from you? And the big question you keep asking yourself. "How do I make my novel scream out "PICK ME!!??"
If you are like me, I think of seeking those answers much like I do shopping. Time is precious and so I like a store that offers everything I want under the same roof. Aisle after aisle of everything I need to start and finish a project. Less time driving from place to place, more time to do what I love to do. I feel the same about seeking out the right publisher for what I write.
Writer Gazette. When I am looking for some answers, be it publishers, writer markets, "how to" or "where to" books and e-books to get me from A to Z in the most direct, efficient path, Writer Gazette is where I go. Krista has built a writer help site that offers anything you need to find what you are looking for. She opens the doors to avenues that can take you through the process of preparation to submission as painlessly as possible. From her own books to those of writers, editors, publishers and agents, she guides you through the "maze" of becoming published. Writer Gazette enables you to find what you need so that you can get back to doing what it is you Really love to do. Write.
Have a look for yourself. I think you will like what you find. Writer Gazette... your one stop publishing site. {{Best Site in Writer's Digest magazine for: 2002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 & 2009. #3 of The Writer magazine's "25 Best Writer Websites"}} Tell her Darrel sent you.
Darrel Day. Author of Abduction and Until Death Do We Meet. www.thingsiknowabout.blogspot.com

You pay the Taxes!

Today, I want to talk about something that effects a lot of people. It is the reason for political talks, party conversation, and giving the government something to tax. It is the topic of votes for congress and the cause of more fights and arguments amongst friends than one could imagine. I am of course talking about cigarettes. Worldwide, between 80,000 and 100,000 kids start smoking every day. I have watched the price of cigarettes increase sometimes over night now for better than a year. Each time, someone says "It's enough! I am Quitting!" And each day, I see the same person buying another pack of cig's. My point truly isn't about that. It is about "Uncle Sam" and the cigarette companies ripping themselves off.
Taxes that are placed on cigs by our Government, causing the price to go higher and higher makes me wonder if they know what they are doing. If the price truly does continue to rise, it may force some smokers to quit. The way I see it, IF they do force people to quit, then where is the money they getting from Cigarette taxes going to come from? The revenue that is accrued by taxes from we smokers has got to come from somewhere. Non smokers are extremely quick to kick us out of restaurants and bars and stores and anywhere else they think we should not be aloud. The truth is that without us smokers, YOU will be paying the bill.
The government is already looking to start taxing things like potato chips and soda and anywhere else they can. You will be footing the bill to make up for what smokers taxes used to pay. The government complains and comes against those that smoke and the doctors and insurance companies make it a huge issue what damage smokers do to the environment and those around us. Somewhere along the road,they seem to forget that is smokers that are willing to pay the ridiculously high prices set by our government and supply a revenue of billions of dollars every year to finance their high paying jobs.
Say what you want about a smoker. complain, fight us, tell us how sick you are of breathing our smoke. Just remember this, please. When the price of pop or potato chips and ice cream goes up, because no one could afford to buy cigarettes anymore, I wont notice it because I have been paying for cig's that way for a long time. One last example of the not so smart way that Cigarette companies are cutting their own throats. A month ago, I was paying 15 USD's for a can of rolling tobacco. I alone bought two cans a week, plus the filters and machine. They decided to DOUBLE the price over night. The same cans I would have bought are still sitting there with a price tag of 35 USD's on them. Please, please tell me where the sense of that was! They are making Zero dollars on that can now. It was cheaper and less work for me to buy a carton of already put together cigs, than to make them myself. Hmmmmmm???? I am still thinking on that one.

Lost... another place to be in a Bipolar World.

Lost. The definition of this word is vast. It can mean anything from losing your wages at a poker game to not having a single clue as to where you are. The one I want to focus on is this one. { : unable to find the way b : no longer visible c : lacking assurance or self-confidence : helpless} This definition personifies the very being of a bipolar person. Some people have commented to me, saying "How can you speak so freely of All bipolar? Not everyone is You." They are very right and not every bipolar person has the same actions or reactions. But when you Generalize the disorder, similarities are found and most share the same issues and fears. Having said that, I am going to return to the thoughts of being Lost.
"Unable to find your way." That is one that dances through my brain so much these days. "No longer visible." That one I sometimes dream of. To be invisible would be to not have to hide or be embarrassed about the actions that come with being Bipolar. It would mean not having to explain my ways or to know in my heart that there are people I love dearly that simply choose to ignore this disorder or imagine that I can just "let it go." I don't think that these people can truly understand the depth of what being "lost" inside your mind truly means. To walk around, knowing you Want to do something, knowing there are things you Should be doing and yet not having the ability to find a way to do them. Physically, Yes... mentally, no. To feel as if you didn't belong in this time or in the place you are is a frightening feeling.
The "alone in a crowd" feeling comes in to play all too often in those scenarios.
Today, I am lost. I talk about this because sometimes there are still those that feel "alone" and think that their actions, their fears and movements are strange and that no one else in the world does them. I write because I want people to know that they are NOT alone and that the feelings they have inside are not crosses they have to bear alone. Lost has so many meanings but for me, someone that Bipolar is a part of my Everyday life, sometimes every single minute. It means waking up and it being a huge issue whether to sit or stand. Standing in the middle of the kitchen, staring out the window and thinking about all I could do and wondering what I WILL do.
LOST... standing in my own living room, wondering sometimes what keeps me inside so much. I Love the outdoors and yet... there is safety indoors. Not safety from "danger." I live in a tiny town that shoplifting is a "get in the paper" thing. lol. Safety from confrontations. A safe place, where I do not have to explain anything about me. No one to tell me I can fix this. No one to shake their head or whisper when they Think I am out of ear-shot. No body to feel as if I need to say "I am sorry" to because I twitch or shake. The only place I don't feel lost is right here. Writing is a place I can go and just Be. And I am thankful for that feeling.
If you feel "Lost" please, don't feel alone along with it. You are Not Ever truly Alone. There is a whole world of people that feel exactly like you do. I write this so that you know... Today, I am lost. Tomorrow, maybe it will be better. Always, Darrel

Welcome to My World...

Because it is Tuesday. Because it is cold and quiet. Because it just is. Reasons why I am in a low. I fear sometimes that my readers may look at this and say "Whoa, no thanks." And yet, I write. I write about my day and about where this disorder sometimes takes me. I write about the things that come to my mind sometimes so damn fast that I can not capture one single thought without ripping the other thoughts to threads. I fear what is and am afraid of things that don't even probably exist outside of this Bipolar mind.
I hear family and friends saying "get over it", "Move on", stop being so dramatic." Their words not only echo in my brain... they cut me and make me feel as if I am less than they want me to be or more than they want to believe. Challenges like getting out of bed are softer than the tasks of getting Into bed. Fearing what I might wake up as or where my mind will be when I wake. Knowing that in my sleep, I have NO control over my thoughts nor how they might set the standard for where I am going the following morning. How do you tell someone you love that it isn't them... it isn't laying beside them that is an issue. It is ending the day that you have some control over and not knowing what the next day will bring.
Life is good and yet, I fear that I have not truly accomplished anything. Not fully. Always half done. A CD that is GOOD and yet 100'2 sit in my closet, unopened, unheard. 1/2 done because they are only fully done if they are successful. Two Novels that sales have gone down on. Neither seeing #1 best sellers lists and yet... they are good. 1/2 done. Not finished because finished would be huge sales. So many half things in my life and yet, I try so hard to make them the best that I Am.
Welcome to my world. A world of successes that aren't. A world of seeing things always out of proportion and abstract. A world that keeps me going and yet stops me at every corner. Welcome to my Bipolar Day. Today, I deal with it my way... Tomorrow???? Who knows?
The world of a bipolar runs in such intense motions. Whether it is up or down, the intensity is always the same. The roller coater ride is never ending and you just have to hold on tight and hope there is still a Track around the next bend. This, is my world...

Courage and Strength

Today I want to talk about what I know about Courage and Strength. I will link you to the story of a little. A little girl that has a disease known as microcephalic osteodysplastic Priordial Dwarfism. Also known as MOPD, this disease only effects 100 babies in the world and many don't live past 5 years old. Though my writing here today includes little Finn Davidge-Hesketh, from Canada, it was watching a show last night about her that brought tears to my eyes. Finn is a six year old baby that was born with this terrible disease. She endures pain and tests that would have even an adult struggling. Her smile, her courage and her strengths made me sit back for a moment and look at myself. She is still the size of a 6 month old baby. Just 25inches tall and yet she takes life on like a giant. My heart so went out to this little miracle and at the same time, made me look around and even in the mirror.
I look back on my life and think of All the blessings I have been given through out my life. So many that they are almost more than any man such as I ever deserved to have. And yet, here I am, sitting here in awe of how strong this little girl is.She doesn't slow down for anything, nor for any-one. I think of my Sheila as I watch this tiny Angel, and of all the strength that Sheila showed and all the things she taught me about facing life, living life and not allowing anything to stop you from living life to the fullest. I wondered which one begat which. Did Having strength within give her the courage to never say enough? Was it the courage to face her diseases and pain that gave her strength? Which one of these elements happened to cause the other to occur?
As I watched baby Linn smile and struggle with her disease, I thought, my God, she is pure strength. Her desire to learn when her learning abilities were so limited screamed out to me. It said 'you can only be slowed down IF You yourself choose to slow down.' I think now, courage begets strength. My reasoning is this. As I watched Sheila suffer through some very unimaginable pain and fear, each thing that she faced up close and personal gave her the strength to go on. But... she could not have found that beautiful strength without having the courage to reach out and grab it and look closely at it. She had to look her pain and suffering right in the eye before she could harvest the strength that came with having courage to truly face things.
We, you and I have the same strengths inside to battle our daily Foes and to gain strength as win each battle, even if the same battle comes to us the very next day. As most of you know, I suffer from Bipolar2 and tourrets daily. I know my strength is in taking the disorders and facing them Up Close. but, unlike Finn and Sheila, I am afraid to reach out. I am scared of what might become of the me I know. I am frightened to see where the world might take me if I venture to far from the safety of my home. I watched this little girl on T.V. and I cried. I think I cried for her because she is so strong and such an Angel and I think I cried for me... because I am Not. But through her and through Sheila, I have learned that Courage must come first to allow strength for the next battle. I know now that until I have the courage to look my issues in the eye and stand up and say "I am not afraid", that though I can not gain full control, I Will not forge forward and beat the things that take me to such dark places.
Strange that through the eyes of a little ting girl, her smile and her courage, i would see my own weakness. Please do go and read about this little girl. See in her face and her smile the strength, the courage that is all of ours, if we will only reach out and grab it. Courage... begats Strength. Always, Darrel

Because I am... Answer to that gets old question.

Why are you Bipolar? Ahhhh, a question that WILL be followed by another and another question. If you have ever told someone, friend, family or foe that you are Bipolar, then you have heard these questions. What caused it? Were you taken advantage of as a child? Were you abused by someone physically or mentally? Why don't you just move on? It was so long ago. And then there is the "I had a friend that had that and he/she got cured."
The questions come back around so often that we just stop telling people. There is no real answers and those that we can answer, well, we might prefer not too. I have spent forever trying to explain something that even I don't always understand. The only real answer I can give someone is "Because I am." Life simply happens and we don't always have answers to questions we are asked. "They have pills for that." "REALLY???? Wowwwww... you Do know." And what about those of us that don't take the pills because they are like Poison to us? What about the ones that don't take them because of the "Side-effects?" Not that they are bad? No... There is just the cramps and headaches and the (Increased risk of suicide.} Yea, because we need help with THAT one.
I know I sound sarcastic here and I really do not mean to. I am really only trying to make a point. The things that people tell us, we are already aware of if we have been Bipolar longer than a year. Life for us is like nothing someone without this disorder can ever truly understand or imagine. We don't walk the same lines as others. We don't follow the same path as the rest of the world. We struggle just to start our day. We become lost and confused at the sight or thought of change. We have trouble being somewhere with someone too long. We don't have happy days or sad days. We have euphoric days, so high we would take on all the dragons of the world and conquer them all. Well, we think that. We have Lows that take us to the darkest places you could ever imagine and some that you couldn't.
We love and live with a passion and would give all we had to anyone that asked. We also live in a world that leaves us confused and dis-connected from the world around us. And we live in a world that tells us that everyone in the world could be friends and everyone in the world needs to be saved. And we try to save them all.
Why am I bipolar? What caused it? Why do I live in a world that was built on the largest most curvy roller-coaster that ever existed? Why do I start things and not finish them? Why do I "jerk" from time to time? Why do people make me so anxietic? Why can't I "get over it?"
I am bipolar because I am. That's my answer to all that wondered. Because, I am.

Another part of Bipolar...

I sit here this morning, looking out at nothing really. My mind is racing 10,000 miles per hour. Thoughts that won't let me catch them... a heart rate that speeds and slows, speeds and slows and, Speeds.I reach for my coffee cup, knowing it's empty, and try to talk myself into getting up and refilling my cup. Something so damn simple and yet such a huge task at times. Will I get up and get more coffee? I guess I'll have to see.
I think about my friends. I wonder this morning why they even call me friend. I neglect them and leave them sitting, wondering perhaps what it is they have done that caused me to stop talking to them. I wonder how I tell them that they have done nothing at all. It is Me. Anxieties inside of me, making me body shiver and my mind run rampant through every Oops I have ever made. Trying so hard to reach out to those that call me friend and yet not finding my way there. Afraid that I will get into a conversation, my mind will wander far away and I will not know how to say "sorry, I just need to go."
Just another part of this disorder that leaves me worn out inside and unable to make myself do things on the outside. Feeling as if I have only half accomplished anything I have done in this life. Half worked, half been a friend, half been successful. Never truly following through with anything I have ever started. Stepping out on a woman that loved me with her heart and soul. A CD that has touched only a few. Novels published but not yet best sellers. Friends that watch me drift further and further down a road that leads in the opposite direction. Half finished...
I don't not want to avoid friends. I don't mean to not respond. I wish things were different for me in my mind and yet want things to stay exactly as they are. No rocking the boat, no "must do's" or time sets. Just breathing, living and being. Living is a relative word for me. It says that I am doing more than just breathing. It says I am taking steps to do something with my life. I live in a world where fiction is reality to me and reality... is something I am unsure of at times. This is the life of a person that suffers from this disorder. Things we dream into life that don't or won't truly happen, but in our world, they already have and if not, they will. Believing that everything we have ever dreamed of will come o us if we wait for it long enough.
Feelings that we can conquer the world, save the less fortunate and help those in need. Believing we can do all of this without even having a grip on our own life. Mainly because, our own lives are NOT relative. They do not matter except for those fleeting times when we WANT it to matter. The moments that we want Everyone in the world to notice us. But when they do, we freak and run and hide again. A feeling, a roller coaster ride that few would want to take and fewer would survive it.
This is my world and this is where I dwell. My writing my only true safe place. It is a place I can go and create a world that is almost me but not really. Confusion that feels like certainty and those things certain that seem a bit unreal, like a facade that is not to be trusted that hides the true face we are looking at. How I want to tell my friends, my family that I love them but I simply can't see them right now. Wondering how long they will wait for me to come back. Trying always to decide if seeing them is the cure or if seeing them is a dangerous place to be. Feeling as if they are best to be away from me. Less hurt that way.
Oh my, this is my world. This is where I live and play and scold and chastise myself for the sadness and alone-ness and pain I bring to those that love me. You might understand where it is I dwell if you simply give me time and patience I so desperately need to survive. I guess we will have to see where today leads me. Just know I do care and I do want to talk to you. I simply don't know how right now.Please, forgive me for that. It's just another "Bipolar" day for me...

What will make my site a better, more profitable site?

I was asked a question a few days ago that I have not truly been able to answer yet. The questioned was posed by a company I had requested to advertise on my blog-site. Their question was this. "I noticed that your EPC is rather low. I was wondering your plans for promoting our program and maybe if you could comment on why your EPC is so low." Earnings Per Click is what a blog site can make when viewers come to see your site and find things of interest to buy. they click on the advert and you get paid X amount of dollars for each click.
I thought hard about this question and could not give them a good reason why my earnings were so low. The content of ones blog I believe has at least 1/2 an impact on this number. Drawing readers in and giving to them something that will keep them coming back is All important. Sometimes finding that interest is difficult. Keeping in mind that there are over 1 million blog sites out there in Cyber-space, that leaves you like A star in a very huge Galaxy. In that context, the North Star shines bright and therefore it grabs the attention of a star gazer first. Then you have the big dipper, the little dipper, the constellations, the milky way, the... well as you can see, the list is forever as are bloggers. But each one I mentioned has a niche. It has it's own little something that makes it stand out, even with the North Star shining so brightly.
You have bloggers and website owners and you have sites popping up all over the place. Sort of like stars in the sky. And you have Google and Yahoo, sort of like the moon and north star. A blogger needs to find a way to shine brightly, even with those giants out there. They aren't going any place soon so you have to make it with the knowledge that there is a lot of competition out there.
Being a published writer, I remember the rejection letters that came prior to my being twice published. The big dogs, the Steven Kings and Koontz's were already there and not going anywhere. I had to meld into the crowd and write my own way. And write, I have done. Confident and strong. Then, the question comes back to mind. Why IS my EPC so low? And still, I have no answer. I write with passion, I am openly Bipolar and blog strongly on that subject. I am not shy with words and... I am an excellent writer. So then, I ask you, my readers... what can be done to change those numbers? What can I add to my site or take away from site that is going to enhance it and cause it to be more desirable? What secrets are out there, waiting to be discovered that will bring the traffic as well as the EPC's?
As I have stated, I am NOT ever shy to reach out for some guidance. As my teacher and your teacher taught us, though I question it at times, "the only stupid question is the one not asked." SOOOOOO, I am asking. As there are the afore mentioned 1 million writers and bloggers out there in Cyber-world, then somewhere in that mix of brilliance and talent and experience, someone Must have an answer or three for me. Something I can take back to the gentleman, still waiting for a reason, an answer from me. Be it new advertising, new content or just New, I am open to hear it all.
And this, by the way, is how you Blog. ;)
Sincerely, me...

The Forest Has Ears... Final Chapter

"Dad has been outside for too long, Mom. We need to get him back inside as soon as we can. Aunt Ellie, can you hear anything from the trees?"
"I know that someone has died outside but it isn't your father. I know melody is the one that killed the witch. Give me a moment."
"We don't have a moment, Ellie! Derek could be dead already!"
"Karen, you and I both would know if he died."
"Really Ellie!? Because I sure didn't know he was Alive while you hid him from me!"
"Shhhh. The trees are whispering." Ellie listened closely. Her expressions left no telling of what she was hearing. She nodded quickly. "Thank you Nature. Blessings on you."
"What did they say?"
"She is standing not ten feet from the opening. If we reach out to grab Derek, Melody will follow. If we don't... Derek will be dead in a minute or less, Karen."
"Then we have no choice. Open the door! We will face Melody. We knew we would have to sooner or later! Open the trees. Ellie!"
"Sis, it will put all of us in danger. We could all die! Derek went out there knowing he might not come back."
"Open the trees!!!!!!! Open them now or I will go get him myself!"
"Mom, I love Daddy so much but Aunt Ellie is right. We are not ready!"
"Then by the Goddesses, you get ready Daughter! I am not leaving your father out there to die! Not by That witches hand!!!"
Karen flung the front door open to the cabin. The trees leaned in to try to hold her inside.
"Damn you Ellie, move those trees Now!!!!"
"It isn't me, Karen, it's Mom. She says she will protect Derek until the witches get inside."
"What witches? What are you talking about!?!?!?"
"Derek has witches that are turning from Melody. Let Mom and Derek do what they need to do! We will need all of our energy when we face Melody."
Karen stood in the doorway and cried.
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"Derek, listen to me. I am going to shield you until the good witches are inside. You must distract Melody for a moment."
Derek knew Michelle's voice. He stood as Melody was moving her wand. "Wait! Let me at least stand near my wife and children if I am going to die. I will have them open the door for me. I will say it's safe. Please let me die with them."
Melody studied Derek for a moment. She wanted him dead, but she wanted the one that killed her mother more. She could have it all if she waited for a moment more.
"I will burn a hole right through you if you try anything! One hit, one hole! Understand???"
Derek nodded and led Melody away from the door. As she followed, witches began to be sucked into the trees behind them. One by one, those refusing to follow Melody entered the Forest. Karen and Ellie were standing just inside the trees to help them through. As the last witch passed through, Derek suddenly began to fade away again. Melody stopped and looked behind her.
"Damn you! I will Kill you now!" As she turned to face Derek he faded totally from her sight. Melody raced to where the last witches were disappearing. She tossed her wand at the last witch. The witches body lit afire. As she reached the door, she shoved the burning witch from the gap. Entering the trees, she began to swing her wand around. The first burst of energy struck Ellie in the chest. She was tossed into the trees and fell to the ground, un-moving. Jennifer stepped forward. She was quickly joined by Jessica and Mark. She swung her wand again and Jessica raised her hands. The energy was deflected into the trees. They were set afire and burned hot and un-relenting. Skin was scorched and witches scattered. As Melody prepared to send another energy burst, Karen stepped forward.
"No!!!! This is between you and I, Melody. If you defeat me, you can do your best with the others!"
"Fine witch, let's finish this!" The other witches gathered behind their leaders. Half circles were formed and wands were held out in front of them. As the energy bursts came out of Karen and Melody's wands, they were knocked away. The witches behind melody began to use their wands. The Forest looked like a fireworks factory had exploded. Witches on both sides were falling to the ground. Bodies were strewn all over the forest. Karen turned to reach for Jessica as a burst struck her. Melody sent two bursts at Karen and knocked her off her feet. Her wand fell to the ground.
"Now little witch, you will pay for my mothers death!" Melody lowered her wand into Karen's face. "Say goodbye, witch."
Ellie suddenly appeared and leaped in between Karen's body and the burst of energy. It ripped through her body like a rocket.
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, Ellie!!!!! God, no-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!" Karen watched as her sisters body burned.
"No more!" A voice echoed through the trees. "It ends here Melody!" The witches watched as Michelle's image moved to Ellie. "I will absorb all your injuries, daughter. You will be whole. Stand with your sister and Niece. I will not be able to speak with you ever again. I love you all."
As Ellie's body healed, the witches took each others hands. They turned the wands towards Melody and her followers. A burst of energy ignited from their wands. It struck Melody directly. She was tossed to the ground. Her strength stopped the burst from killing her. She layed on the ground. Karen walked up to her.
"We can be finished now. Let it end, Melody. Relinquish your wand and be done. Please."
"Not ever, witch!" Melody lifted her wand. All the witches that were behind Melody fled the forest, dropping their wands as they ran. Energy flew from Melody's wand knocking Mark and Derek off their feet. Karen and Jessica joined hands with Ellie. melody pointed her wand once more. A huge cedar, ten feet from them all suddenly leaned forward. It covered Melody's body and knocked the wand from her hand. The tree continued to lean until bones were heard snapping. Melody screamed out and then... all was silent again.
"Thank you, my friend" was all Karen could say. The tree once again stood tall.
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As the weeks went by, witches from all across the land came to listen to Karen and Ellie speak. New alliances were built, old ones repaired. Karen and her family settled in the comfort of the very forest that had saved their lives. Ellie came to visit as often as she could. Jessica listened and learned from her mother. Nature and all around them was right again.
Sometimes, while walking through the Forest, Karen would stop and smile. A gentle breeze would touch her face. "I love you, Mom. I feel you," was whispered through out the forest.