Monday, April 6, 2009

To be Bipolar or Not to Be??? Is that a question?

Hmmmm??? One hell of a question really.I often wonder what or whom i would have been if not for the Bipolar. Would I have done certain things if I had not been? Would I even know the difference? And truly, do people really go their entire lives and never know a moment of wishing they simply weren't here? I can not fathom a world where I would never have to get up every morning and talk myself into staying. A world where my realities and my ummmm not so realities did not clash. One question at a time please...
Who would i have been if I had not been Bipolar. And let's just think for a moment that not all of this set in later in life. I always felt different from others. I always wanted to do things that were maybe not so right in other peoples world but fit perfectly into mine. So many people wanted to "rise above" the underdog or not in status. I was extremely comfortable there and perhaps more popular. I was multi-functional if I may use that phrase. I mingled well with both sides and only a few felt I was below their worth. I was smart, nice looking and had a huge heart. Those were elements that laid a path for success. But I was also a little neurotic, somewhat unbalanced and loud and forward because I was shy and scared. What a mess huh???
I could have been a Doctor or Lawyer or anything I wanted to be. I had the mind, I had the personality. What was it I didn't have??? I had the same opportunities as anyone else. I never felt nor feel slighted. Something inside of me simply kept me from pursuing those things.I don't know if you start out Bipolar and mature in it or if you start out a little tilted and then graduate up. I only know that I always felt that I could rule a kingdom one day and was born to be a slave the next day. Never an even keel.So what would i have been if not bipolar? A different me maybe but still where I am today. Who would I have been? A more serious maybe, less sensitive and caring person. Faithful and straight. Wowwwww, I don't know that I would have liked that. Possibly less of this vast imagination that has gifted me in the way of writing. Unpublished maybe, and unrealized... I wonder???
To be or not to be Bipolar, that was the question. Though there are many facets of this disorder I would like to not experience, i.e. the Highs that tell me I can conquer the world and the Lows that take me to places no one wants to go and some don't return from. The inability to make decisions at times and the fears that someone is always trying to take me down. But!!!!! I like who i am and what I do. I love to care for many and give of myself and my heart. I love to laugh and smile and make the world smile with me. I like having fun and watching my loved ones, my family smile.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, and in pops the Bipolar I have been talking about. My mind swirls in a mini-tornado. My eyes well up with tears as my mind wanders and wonders what my family really thinks of me. No one talks about it. No one asks about it because well, I guess they like to think it perhaps doesn't exist. I don't know the reason. Maybe to some, it isn't something that is real. "All in my head??" Ummmmm, yea!!! That is a truer statement than they will ever know. Do I wish they would ask??? YES! DO I think they will? No... Ahhhhhh, my mind really kicks my butt sometimes. I wonder... What do they really think!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
To be or not to be Bipolar? Please don't try to change me... I am fine. Always, Darrel


Zandi said...

Greatly misunderstood. Thanks for this write up. It opened the window to your heart. I wish I can understand it better.- Angelae

I am Harriet said...

Great post.
You've been sited by Sited and Blogged!
Be sure to stop by and pick up a banner for your sidebar!

Darrel said...

i thank you both for coming here and taking the time to read my heart. I wish only good things for you. Harriet... thank you so much for the banner. It means so much to me... Darrel

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