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Weighing Good versus Bad.

The weather outside is "Frightful" and I see nothing at all "delightful" about it. I took a walk this morning as the snow fell. It was a time to relax and reflect a bit on some things that have been on my mind. I began to wonder what really makes us worthy of friends and of good things in life. What says "You are a good man" or "You have found success in this world?" I pondered these questions, trying as hard as I could Not to allow this bipolar brain of mine to take over. I fight for my own true thoughts because I Know that within the Bipolar world that I live in most of the time, the only answers I will receive is "you are not a good man... you have Not found success." Why? Because that is what a bipolar mind does. It seeks out all the reasons you are not a good person.
SO, I thought about what things about This man... Me, that would cause me to over-ride my mind and allow me to see what others have told me they see in me. I have reached out to those less fortunate than me for as long as I can remember. Even as a young boy, I surrounded myself with young people that were other wise Not accepted in the "every day world. It was a time when "challenged" kids were shunned by society. I saw no difference between them and myself. I took them under my wing and they in turn, gave me their trust.
I was and continue to be kind to those around me and have continued to feel the sadness and fears of those around me. To give of myself has been life's greatest blessing and the rewards inside have always been more than THIS man deserved. I stood by the side of a woman that taught me more about being strong and endurance than anyone else in this world. Though I fell short of being a totally good man to her, what I did give to her was my heart and soul. We walked through this often cruel world, hand in hand, crying with her when she needed to cry, laughed when ever we could and as hard as we could. Never allowing life to hold us back, we went for the Gold and won. I was a good husband and made certain she kept her dignity and her reason for being here.
As a father, I always made time for my daughters. We laughed and played and every where Sheila and I went, the girls went with us. We taught them the power of love and the meaning of a good days work. We showed them the rewards of working hard and what it meant to be responsible. And before they graduated, I managed to leave their mother, hurting her in ways I could not have even imagined and changing their safe worlds forever for them. A wrong I will and do live with daily, for the rest of my life.
I am a published author of two Suspense Novels and have written over 100 songs. I have a CD that is available, of love songs I have written. They still wait to find the fame that I truly believe that they are worthy of. Unfinished or unrealized... either way, the same results. I look back over this, a mere fragment of what I have done in the 51 years I have been blessed with thus far. I look at where I have been and the things I have done. I Do see the good things but I also see that somewhere inside each one of the fragments of my life, I caused someone pain.
What defines a good man? Are the things he did before he messed them up strong enough to make him worthy of being called friend? Does the merit given to that person stand of its own strength or do the faults and failures out shine or cloud the good that was there? Can a Hall of Famer have that title truly stripped from his being? Or does he in fact remain that person that came through when he was most needed, that gave his best before the world became his very own private war, in some peoples eyes? IS he/she allowed to stand and smile and say "I am a good person, worthy of being called "your friend" even after he falls?
The battle, the Bipolar slowly slipping in and taking over thoughts that moments ago had a good feeling to them and so it is time to leave this blog before all things become negative again, as I know they will. Can I call myself a good man, a good Son and Father and Mate? Or have the failures and faults erased that which was once my pride? I wonder...

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Writing... a different world.

Sometimes... Life just gets really busy and we try to fit as much of it into the time we have as we can. It seems though that to accomplish as much as we can in one day, we have to set some things aside. How does one decide which things it will be that do not receive the attention they should be getting? I understand priority... but whose priority? Do we base it on personal issues or do we look at the "business" side of life and place that in the higher priority spot?
Perhaps I over think things at times. I am a writer and I DO believe that a writers world is truly NOT like anyone elses world. I wonder how you segregate the personal sometimes from the work that needs to be done in order to make ends meet? I know that bills need to be paid and that Life is going to happen no matter what we do. That is a given. But I find myself often times NOT finishing, Not accomplishing things that I know have to be done because I have a need and a want and desire to spend time with friends that are so important to me. I sit and try and figure out what is Really important in my life. I am a writer and that is my passion. I write for the enjoyment and I write because I want to share with the world all that is inside of me. I want to be a name that is spoken at some dinner table or tea shop far, far away from me. I want to see life happening in as many ways as possible.
I also value the love of my family and of my friends and not simply want but Need to give my time to them. Inside of me, I battle to try and know what it is I am to do and yet sometimes it still leaves me not knowing for sure . The need for success and the need for family is often a place I find myself at a stand still. Does one thing or at least a part of one thing have to be sacrificed for the other to happen? There was a time when the two seemed to fold together and neither was left alone. To dwell in harmony together there has to be a contentment that says it is alright if I am doing one or the other for a time.
I think that when I worked outside of the house it was easier. I knew that each day I had a job to do and it was not a choice thing of when I did it or how long I would be working. Hours were set and when the day was finished, my time was then given to my family. Working from the home can change a lot of that. There is always something to do at home outside of the writing and the pushing the novels. Sometimes it takes me away for hours and when the time comes that I can sit and do a little work here, there are family matters and family time that calls. I have often thought of renting a little studio that would be where I went to work to do my stuff but that simply is not an option.
A writers life is for certain a different life from others I think. Inspiration comes at all hours and punches no time clock. In bed, while on the road, working in the yard... all of these places are wide open to inspirations. There was a time I carried a little tape recorder and a note pad with me Every where that I went. Do you know how hard And how dangerous it is to try and write down a few words on a note pad at 70 miles per hour on the interstate? The saying "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, IF he had been watching the road, he would still be with us" takes on a life of it's own. Written a bit in fun, it truly held merit at times. I think that the truth be said, segregating family and work has got to be as much an art and act of discipline as the writing itself.
I think that perhaps I will continue doing things just as I have for some time now. My family seems content with it, I get most of my work finished and what does not get finished will simply wait for the following day. As I said before, I may in fact over think things at times but that is My mind and I don't see it changing any time soon. This is the life of not just a writer... this is the life of a bipolar writer. Is there really a difference in the two? YES!!! For me, abstract is a way of life and to have 10 projects going and none quite finished is a normal state of being for me. But when one DOES find it's way to completion, I promise you, it is spectacular.

Until Death Do We Meet and Abduction

Two powerful novels that will have you wanting to see the next page as quick as you can!!!

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2010... New or Used?

Today begins a New year. 2010 arrived very much in the same way that 2009 had arrived one year ago. As I look back on the past year and reflect on where I have been and where I wanted to go, I find many places, goals, if you will, that I did not make reality. Goals that weren't missed because they were unattainable. Every single one of them was with in my reach if I had pushed a little harder... reached out further and applied myself more aggressively. Some of them were so close I could feel them being finished. Others I let sit, knowing that with a little effort, I would have made them reality. Unfinished, unrealized because of that part of me that says "what if I fail?"
I heard the statement today :Same crap, different year" and it really hit me hard. I realized that the goals I have set for myself are not "failure" goals. They are not pre-destined to collapse some-where just short of the finish line. All of the elements for success are already in place. Certainly they will not happen on their own. They will need a little help on my part and perhaps, yes, a break or two. The right eyes to see what I have created. The avenues opened up so that I can get my works through to the person that needs to see them. But each and everyone of them have all the potential to be a success. It Doesn't Have to be the "same crap." It only has to be a New Year, a different Year. That is the only thing that I have no control over.
Novels waiting to be published and free-lancing that just needs a push out the door. people and places that are there, like fruit in a tree that is ripe and needs only to be harvested. People that are dear to my soul that can help me simply by their encouraging words are still in my life. They are still as near as a screen. No miles in between, no distance running to catch them. Just a simple, caring hand reached out to say "I am Still here. I have not left. I am going No-where except forward and I would love for you to come along."
Discipline... Causing myself, Making Myself set boundaries for where I spend my time and how wisely I make use of it. Knowing that it can only get away from me If I allow it too. Again, Knowing there are always variables to everything in life but understanding that fact and having alternatives ways of still accomplishing my goals. Easily done? No, not always for me. My mind simply doesn't always work on that even of a keel. Sometimes, life takes me away for a time and I need to readjust my mind set. But that doesn't mean that I can not still do what I have set out to do. Does it? Can I truly do what I believe today, this first day of a New Year, I can accomplish? Will life and things that have plagued me for more years than I care to count slip in unseen and take away the desire and the belief I have today in myself? Will it be another "bipolar" year for me? Does it have to be? Really????
{Sighs...} I guess it all depends on myself and those that I surround myself with. On the encouragement of those that matter to me. I think that without that very important element, it could be the "same crap with just a different Year's Date."