Weighing Good versus Bad.

The weather outside is "Frightful" and I see nothing at all "delightful" about it. I took a walk this morning as the snow fell. It was a time to relax and reflect a bit on some things that have been on my mind. I began to wonder what really makes us worthy of friends and of good things in life. What says "You are a good man" or "You have found success in this world?" I pondered these questions, trying as hard as I could Not to allow this bipolar brain of mine to take over. I fight for my own true thoughts because I Know that within the Bipolar world that I live in most of the time, the only answers I will receive is "you are not a good man... you have Not found success." Why? Because that is what a bipolar mind does. It seeks out all the reasons you are not a good person.
SO, I thought about what things about This man... Me, that would cause me to over-ride my mind and allow me to see what others have told me they see in me. I have reached out to those less fortunate than me for as long as I can remember. Even as a young boy, I surrounded myself with young people that were other wise Not accepted in the "every day world. It was a time when "challenged" kids were shunned by society. I saw no difference between them and myself. I took them under my wing and they in turn, gave me their trust.
I was and continue to be kind to those around me and have continued to feel the sadness and fears of those around me. To give of myself has been life's greatest blessing and the rewards inside have always been more than THIS man deserved. I stood by the side of a woman that taught me more about being strong and endurance than anyone else in this world. Though I fell short of being a totally good man to her, what I did give to her was my heart and soul. We walked through this often cruel world, hand in hand, crying with her when she needed to cry, laughed when ever we could and as hard as we could. Never allowing life to hold us back, we went for the Gold and won. I was a good husband and made certain she kept her dignity and her reason for being here.
As a father, I always made time for my daughters. We laughed and played and every where Sheila and I went, the girls went with us. We taught them the power of love and the meaning of a good days work. We showed them the rewards of working hard and what it meant to be responsible. And before they graduated, I managed to leave their mother, hurting her in ways I could not have even imagined and changing their safe worlds forever for them. A wrong I will and do live with daily, for the rest of my life.
I am a published author of two Suspense Novels and have written over 100 songs. I have a CD that is available, of love songs I have written. They still wait to find the fame that I truly believe that they are worthy of. Unfinished or unrealized... either way, the same results. I look back over this, a mere fragment of what I have done in the 51 years I have been blessed with thus far. I look at where I have been and the things I have done. I Do see the good things but I also see that somewhere inside each one of the fragments of my life, I caused someone pain.
What defines a good man? Are the things he did before he messed them up strong enough to make him worthy of being called friend? Does the merit given to that person stand of its own strength or do the faults and failures out shine or cloud the good that was there? Can a Hall of Famer have that title truly stripped from his being? Or does he in fact remain that person that came through when he was most needed, that gave his best before the world became his very own private war, in some peoples eyes? IS he/she allowed to stand and smile and say "I am a good person, worthy of being called "your friend" even after he falls?
The battle, the Bipolar slowly slipping in and taking over thoughts that moments ago had a good feeling to them and so it is time to leave this blog before all things become negative again, as I know they will. Can I call myself a good man, a good Son and Father and Mate? Or have the failures and faults erased that which was once my pride? I wonder...