Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Balancing the Scale...

Spring has Sprung... I think. Sixty degrees when I went to bed and snow on the ground when I woke. Sounds like Spring to me. Well, at least in Iowa, U.S.A. So, I do the balancing act, as I do every year. I rush to get things done when it is nice and then huddle in the warmth of the house when the nasty weather rears it's head again. While thinking about this, I had another thought. Isn't that really what I do with my Life? Try and balance the good and the bad, while trying to process what makes me a good or bad person?
I look back through my life and try so hard to see the "good" man that many have tried to show me. As a youngster, I surrounded myself with those "less fortunate" than me. That is not to say I had More. It is writing of a time when I was my blind Brothers eyes and I made friends with kids that had any and every physical affliction one could imagine. My father was sometimes leery of opening the front door because he wasn't sure who would be standing there. Would it be the deaf kid from next door? Maybe it was the kid that was born without a nose, save the two holes that made up the center of his face. He might even find the boy that was born with one breast that grew like a girls while the other stayed flat like a boys. Whether they were blind, crippled, slower in thought or just Different in some way from other kids, they made up the group I hung with and called my friends. Money nor material things meant nothing to them. Friendship was the most valuable commodity and sadly sometimes, the most easily traded.
I played the balancing act in those days too. I would slip away to the river to meet friends that had No afflictions from time to time. But the two worlds rarely met and when they did, they simply were not compatible. I grew up following the same pattern. One side of my world, being a hero and the other side of the Spectrum, I was "freak" because no one could understand why I would hang with kids that were so unlike me. Was I a good kid or was I merely someone that felt more comfortable with kids that depended on me, looked up to me and appreciated me just for being there? I am still processing that one after 45 years.
Enter, present day. I think my father is still a little afraid to open my front door. He might still find someone standing there with afflictions that make them unacceptable or at the very least, avoidable by the rest of the world. Still trying to balance my life but now, it is for a different reason. I am trying to decipher of I am a good man or a not so good man that surrounds himself with reasons to look good to others.I want to believe so badly in my heart that the good and kind things I do today are because I simply have a good heart. I want to feel inside that I Have reached out to those "less fortunate" because of a love that was instilled in my soul many, many years ago and not because I am trying to find a balance in my life.
DO I Make any sense to you at all??? Welcome to my little world of Bipolar and uncertainties. Of black and white and Grey and Abstract thoughts. What truly gives cause to someone, anyone, calling me a good man? I have hidden from the world a often as I could. I have loved and left and have cheated on hearts that loved me simply because I was me. A confusing occurrence all in and of itself. Issues in my life that find me driving to the Lake, early on a calm, dark Spring morning, to sit, headlights on the river in front of me, and cry. To try and convince myself that I am worthy of the love and the friendships that are part of my daily living. To tell myself that I reach out and help people enough to balance the hurt and pain I cause those that choose to love me. Do the words "Good Man" apply to me, even though I have hurt so may over the years? For every wrong I do, making certain I do something that is right... Is that balancing or do the wrong always weigh more than the good?
I guess that I wonder... can one truly balance the scale once it is loaded with so much sorrow and remorse for causing someone to cry? I wonder...


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