Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A silent killer... Depression and Bipolar.

Being Bipolar, I often wonder how much of the depression I suffer from is caused by the disorder and how much would be there if I was not bipolar. I often think of this disorder as a "silent Killer." Perhaps that seems a little much or ridiculous to some but for those out there that suffer from it daily, hourly, even sometimes by the minute, I think there is an understanding in my words.Sometimes things you can see or feel being on the cycle of depression and thoughts that are at times too dark to even describe. There are also the times that we could NOT slow a thought or the millions of thoughts that race around in our head, long enough to even decipher which thought it was that brought on the darkness. There is only the knowledge that it exists and that it can and will take you down long roads of sadness.
 I don't cry where someone can see me so there must b no issues, right? The desire, almost more of a need to find a place to be alone becomes so strong. {You don't want to be around your loved ones???????/} Wow, you must not like them very much.   {You just snapped at someone you love for no reason...} Wow, you must be in a bad mood. {You were just seen smiling and laughing so hard.} There can not be a whole lot wrong with you...Get Over IT!!!!  These are just a few of the things I hear and some from friends or relatives. And of course "It is just in your head. You don't have to be this way!" REALLY...? I can not imagine myself nor anyone else ever, ever wanting nor asking to be "this way."
 I cry in secret so I don't have to hear "What is wrong with you???" I can not answer the question and to stand and stare at whom ever is asking makes me feel like an idiot. And so, life goes on all around me, people very often oblivious to the pain and sadness that is taking over my thoughts. I want to cry and I want to be alone and I can NOT do anything to change it.  I DO love those that watch over me and love me. I can smile outside and cry inside at the same time. What you do not see does not aways mean it is not there.  I try to think of what has caused THIS one to come to the surface but there simply is Not a reason. Again, it is simply there and now I must try and ride this one out and ope the end finds me still able to do the things my family needs me to do daily.
 I think perhaps, the that keeps some of the depression just below the surface is the knowing that there are those I love dearly that do not think there is anything wrong with me. They believe I can rise above it all with a simple thought. they are sure that my issues are no greater than anyone elses and that may in fact be true. But it doesn't mean i am weak or just not willing to move on. Some with the exact same disorder do move on and do live a normal life. I am very happy for them but please don't think that we always share the sadness or ability to face the things that have brought us to this place. Each person is different in some ways. Each of us share different reasons for feeling worthless or that we give nothing to this world that the world would not do fine without.
 I wonder what my existence actually adds to the world. Have  really given anything to anyone that they could not have gotten from someone, anyone else? Read this and feel my sorrow and fear that I will one day lose all that is precious to me. See the darkness that envelopes me now and fills me with doubt about everything and then tell me why ANYONE would pretend to have this or ever WANT to be this way. I only wonder how long this one will go on and if I am strong enough to walk through it all. I guess only time will tell for me. And remember please, what you do not see may in fact really exist. I have learned over the decades of suffering how NOT to let people see me in my darkest moments. Only those that are near me every day know and not always then either. That is why I call this the "Silent Killer."  Hang on tight... this is going to be a bumpy ride...

6 comments:

Cynical Musings/ JLandsberger said...

I'm also bi-polar. (currently on six meds....)
I know exactly how you feel.
Jennie

Darrel said...

thank you for reading this. I am not medicated and though my doctor would like to see me medicated, they appear to me as a poison and I simply can not swallow them.
Perhaps one day but for now, I deal as best I can. Again, thank you so much for reading this. Always, Darrel

Kaori said...

"But it doesn't mean i am weak or just not willing to move on. Some with the exact same disorder do move on and do live a normal life. I am very happy for them but please don't think that we always share the sadness or ability to face the things that have brought us to this place. Each person is different in some ways. Each of us share different reasons for feeling worthless or that we give nothing to this world that the world would not do fine without."


This Really helped me feel better. It's really one of the biggest reasons to why Ive been keeping it a secret from everyone that I have been diagnosed bipolar. I feel like I'd look weak and melodramatc. I haven't even mentioned it ever on my own blog about my personal mental health. Your post really helped and meant a lot.. thank you.

Darrel said...

Kaori, I am very glad to hear that this blog helped you in some way. We do often try to keep the fact that we are Bipolar a secret for fear that people will say we are faking or that we can just "get over it." How sad that there are still so many people that have no idea what it is like to wake every morning knowing we must face another day of unsure and often scarey moments.
I am also a sufferer of touretts, though I rarely mention it in my blog.rest assured that you are not alone in the fear that some will see you differently if you mention these things. But I am a Firm believer that until we, the inflicted, speak out and try to educate others about what it really is like living with this disorder, we will be subjected to scrutiny from our friends, family and those that simpy do not understand it.
remember this, so that you understand their issues with us. What is Not understood is normally feared. Sad but true... thank you again for reading this. I wish you only the best in your journey. Always, Darrel

Biddie said...

Wow..I am bi polar also and it took me a long time to tell anyone. I was too ashamed.
I can't even count how many times I have heard -get over it- and other phrases just like that.
Nobody would choose this, nobody.
I am currently on four different meds and I still don't work, but I do function better than before the meds.
Thanks for sharing this, it's good to know that I am not alone.

Darrel said...

ty for reading this Biddie. Read my newest blog about the embarrasment of disorders. Thank you again so muvh for reading and commenting. Darrel

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