Tis the Season to Be... Spinning out of control????

I look out the window and watch the rain falling steadily down to the street. It shows no sign of stopping and I wonder when it will turn to ice. the cold doesn't really effect me as much as the knowledge that soon, we will be stuck in the house due to Old Man Winter settling in. I think about the long winter and everything that comes with it. My mind is racing and thoughts are nearly impossible to grab and deal with. I shake my head and know that it is That time of year again. A time that leaves my mind and body filled with emotions and thoughts and fears.
 Most that read my blogs know that I am Bipolar2. Some know that I also suffer from Tourettes. I maintain and lead a fairly normal life with the exception of a need to "wander" when in a store or out doing things. Some look at me and others like me as freaks. there are those that fear us, as though we may attack them or cause some kind of harm to them. Believe me when I say we are far more dangerous to our own selves then to anyone around us. Life is a maze that we struggle through daily. Those that we love and trust, extremely few and far, help to keep us grounded.
 Is this blog about being bipolar? Not really. I simply add my disorders as a means of understanding for you. At least, I hope it helps you in some way. This blog is about the time of year that is here. For me and I suspect many, whether bipolar or not, this is a very Bitter-sweet time of the year. It splits us right down the center and leaves us with highs and lows that travel through our minds like a raging Bull. It causes me to go from euphorically happy and energized to complete depression of the frightening kind. My loved ones watch me closer. My therapist waits expectantly for the depression to raise and lower and cause me to feel like a piece of Silly Putty, being pulled from one end to another.
 I think, as I write this, that I will not be alone in the way I feel inside this season. I am Not the only one that feels this way. I am Not the only one that can't decide if they are happy or sad at the approaching season and the Holidays it brings with it. Ahhhhhhh, there... the word finally emerged. It is not only the cold and ice and rain and snow that brings me to where I am. There are Holidays, one only 3 days away, that also cause the highs and lows. The holidays bring on fears and memories that make my head shake, in the most literal way. There is the coming together of family and friends. Something I love and look forward to anytime we can get together. Anddddd, there is that "OMG" fear that there will be a group and it will be crowded and "will I do something to draw attention to my disorders!!??" 
 The holidays are so beautiful and Christmas is easily my favorite time of the year. But! The stores are packed with people. People that do not understand my issues. People that would view my ticks and small out-bursts as something to fear or shun. What is not understood is normally feared. I know I have to go into the stores to get what I need. O know that there Will be a moment or two that I become a bit lost and seek out a place that seems safe and I Will sit there, hoping that  someone I love walks by and finds me.  I may even cry while walking through the store. Not something I Want to do. Something that just happens. It may be because I saw something beautiful that touched my heart and so I cry. It might be seeing something that takes me back to when My Sheila was with me and we walked though the store, laughing and smiling and loving one another.{I miss her.} Or maybe, just maybe, it was nothing at all except that the people and the store and the season have suddenly over whelmed me and I just cry. So many thoughts. So many to worry about and love and try to be there for, knowing in my soul that I have NOT been. Guilt that can not be measured and more than it can be imagined. You really have to walk through it, literally.
 This is my life. This is how I walk through life every single day of my life. Some very good days filled with love and smiles. Some days not so happy, filled with sadness and an aloneness that completely engulfs you and tries to smother the life out of you. What ever the day may be like, I walk through it with the hope that I will win another battle. Not the war. I don't ask to win the war that day. I simply pray that I can defeat the enemy that is mine. An enemy that is invisible to the rest of the world, making it impossible to explain or give reason for my actions.
 The Holidays. A time for joy and laughter and smiles. A time for fear and sadness and a deep depression that kicks my butt in ways most can not even imagine. I am there. I am half dizzy because my mind is spinning so fast. This can be a very, very long season...   

Internet friendships and/or relationships. To pursue or not to pursue!!!!

People often ask me about my time on the Net. Being what I would call a veteran of the World Wide Web, I think I am qualified to answer Most questions a person might ask me. There is truthfully, very little I have Not done here nor is there a lot of places I have not visited. from the surfing to chatting to meeting and to the "more" that many of you understand, I have done it all. I was there when voice wasn't. I saw yahoo voice and MSN voice and even was in on the "Cheetah chat" thing. Some lasted and some simply disappeared. Very much like the relationships and friendships that developed here.
 Statistically, 1 in every 5 relationships begin on the Internet now. 32% of the couples today, whether married or simply living with one another, met here on the Net. Those numbers will grow, no doubt in my mind. How successful are the relationships that come from the Web? According to those in the know, about as successful as the relationships born on the Computer screens. Wonderful to know that so many are finding love here. I am happy for those that have found that one true love here. I know what that is like. So then, if Love is in Bloom right here at your fingertips, is there a downside to on-line relationships or friendships??? The answer to that is a For certain... YES!
 When we meet someone here and we give our hearts to them, we begin a walk of life that is as real as anything you will ever find "off-line."  The love is strong and real and the friendships are deep and true. If you are one of the lucky souls to find a real love, then you have already learned how deep a relationship here can and often does reach. The love and caring for someone here is powerful. It can fill your heart and soul with wonder and beautiful feelings and at the same time, it can tear your heart into tiny shreds. I think perhaps the worst part of it all is that things can happen to those you love without your knowledge. Your friend or Love can suddenly vanish from the web and if you can not reach them here or if you are close enough, by phone, you are left wondering and worrying what has become of them. There are so many things that could be the reason they have not contacted you.
 Relationships here are as I said, Powerful!!! They effect your daily thoughts and actions and your heart and soul. As I mentioned before, I have been on just about every scenario that could exist here. I have fallen in love here. I have been hurt terribly here, I have been the cause of hurt and sorrow to many here. I have carried the weight of loved ones and have been carried by those that love me here. I have recieved the "phone call" telling me it is over. i have heard the sadness and tears when I told someone I was "moving on." I have laughed and cried and loved and hated during my 12 years on line. I have also been on the receiving end of two calls, a  family member telling me that the one I cared for and/or loved had gone to heaven, never to be heard from again. I have cried hard for those that passed on and the pain is as real as it gets.
 But truly, I Do believe that the worst part of loving here, whether it be friendship or so much more, is the not knowing. The hours of fear that something terrible has happened to them. the confusion as to where your friendship or love has gone. No response is a scary place to be and waiting in silence for some sort of word that they are alright. The Net went down or their connection wasn't good. 1000 and one reasons why they are not on, but none of them matter because all you can think about is {"where are they.} Thus is the way of the Net and knowing, caring and loving someone here. Something completely beautiful and something fully frightening, mixed and mingled into two places... your screen and your soul.
 Do I recommend meeting someone on line? Would I encourage you to give your heart to someone that is a screen away?Oh Yes, 100%. But..................... I also whisper your way that it can be both fabulous and heart tearing. It has the potential to bring heaven to Earth for you or make life a roller-coaster. At any rate, I would say, try it. Meet someone. Be friends or more. the rewards will almost for certain out weigh any sadness you may ever know.  I wish you only the best...   

Time alone... is it enough???

I don't go here often anymore... at least not in writing. I feel the pain and sorrow as strongly today as I did 4 years ago. I hear people say that Time heals all. I listen to people talk about how they live in the present and in the future. The past is no longer an "issue" for them. Hmmmm, I wonder if that is totally true. I too live in the present and the future but both have been form in part by my own past. Places I have been and things I have done created the life that is now and in front of me. Now and then, I still go back.
 This morning, listening to an old Elvis tract, he sang "Memories" to me. {Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweeter as it ages just like wine.......} Words, precious and true that rang through me like church bells, perhaps in part because of the way that Elvis put so much emotion in his words. My heart and mind traveled back for a moment. I remembered our first snowball fight. I recalled the time before our first daughter was born, Time we spent laughing and smiling and playing. We would walk in the rain and never feel it's cold. We would run and reach out in front of our selves, as if we could catch the wind and ride it for a while.
 Time heals??? Time does have it's effects on the memories we carry inside of our hearts and souls. I do not cry every time I think of my Sheila. I do not dwell and allow myself to drift away from the present or for go the future for fear I may one day forget. I assure you that forgetting is not going to be an issue I need worry about. But I don't think Time could do what it is somehow meant to be without adding and element to it. New... new memories, new people, new hearts to love and memories to make. That is an element that I believe absolutely Must be present in order to truly move forward. Without new memories to fill in and grow, I think that a person might simply atrophy. Their hearts and souls, their very being needs to be fed new realities. This is what moves a person on after the loss of a loved one. I don't think it is a matter of "Time" as much as it is having memories to add to the old ones and make them not quite as predominate in ones mind. Always in the heart but perhaps a little bit of peace of the soul also.
 Today... I think of my love and all that we were to each other. She was my best friend and my lover. She was my safe place and my heart. She was the world to me in so many ways. She will remain all of those things, I think forever but, I am also allowing for new memories and new life to come forth. A new grandchild has come into my life. baby Robert is a gift from heaven and I believe with my heart and soul that My Sheila saw him before any of us did.

Mixed emotions... do we or don't we?

Rain mixed with sleet... a dangerous combination for anyone that must drive in it. Strange way to start a blog but where I am going with this will help you understand. Deciding how important it is to go out and drive in that nasty mix becomes the thought of the day. Is whatever you need to do needed enough to actually make the trek outside? You already know that there is a chance you could slide or lose control and end up in a ditch or worse.
 The same can be said for people that are bipolar or tourrets. Sometimes, deciding whether we want to go outside into the elements {i.e. the world} can be a difficult and scary decision. We know that there is a chance we may lose control or "slide off into a ditch." waking with anxiety levels high makes every thing we decide to do an issue. A simple task becomes monumental and words from a seemingly innocent statement can be so simply mis-construed in our minds. The "what she said-what he heard" scenario comes in to play far too easily. Already tense and often a bit agitated because of our anxiety level, we take things the wrong way.  An offer of help or a bit of advise is felt as a personal attack on our mood. The swings from high to low bounce back and forth like a pinball machine. The harder we try to ease the levels of being tense, the more confused or irritated we get. At that point, our actions are taken personal by those that were simply trying to help us.
 Fear comes in to play for those that suffer, fear that something Will happen or something Will be said that sends us into a tail-spin. The entire world outside of our safe place {Home} appears to be at war with us. People just waiting to upset us or find something wrong with whatever we are doing. Embarrassment at perhaps having to explain our actions or ask for understanding leaves us even more stressed. A combination of wanting to do something outdoors and the fear of what might happen if we do go outside.  This is as dangerous for us as the rain and sleet that falls on a highway we are traveling on. Doing what you do when traveling on those treacherous roads is exactly what we should do when we go out when on a severe high or low. Slow down... take time to watch the road ahead, and avoid situations that might add to the chance of a stronger anxiety attack. Life isn't always easy for sure. There is always something trying to find a way to confuse us or disorientate us. We can only do our best and hope the rest of the world is kind to us...