Monday, November 22, 2010

Tis the Season to Be... Spinning out of control????

I look out the window and watch the rain falling steadily down to the street. It shows no sign of stopping and I wonder when it will turn to ice. the cold doesn't really effect me as much as the knowledge that soon, we will be stuck in the house due to Old Man Winter settling in. I think about the long winter and everything that comes with it. My mind is racing and thoughts are nearly impossible to grab and deal with. I shake my head and know that it is That time of year again. A time that leaves my mind and body filled with emotions and thoughts and fears.
 Most that read my blogs know that I am Bipolar2. Some know that I also suffer from Tourettes. I maintain and lead a fairly normal life with the exception of a need to "wander" when in a store or out doing things. Some look at me and others like me as freaks. there are those that fear us, as though we may attack them or cause some kind of harm to them. Believe me when I say we are far more dangerous to our own selves then to anyone around us. Life is a maze that we struggle through daily. Those that we love and trust, extremely few and far, help to keep us grounded.
 Is this blog about being bipolar? Not really. I simply add my disorders as a means of understanding for you. At least, I hope it helps you in some way. This blog is about the time of year that is here. For me and I suspect many, whether bipolar or not, this is a very Bitter-sweet time of the year. It splits us right down the center and leaves us with highs and lows that travel through our minds like a raging Bull. It causes me to go from euphorically happy and energized to complete depression of the frightening kind. My loved ones watch me closer. My therapist waits expectantly for the depression to raise and lower and cause me to feel like a piece of Silly Putty, being pulled from one end to another.
 I think, as I write this, that I will not be alone in the way I feel inside this season. I am Not the only one that feels this way. I am Not the only one that can't decide if they are happy or sad at the approaching season and the Holidays it brings with it. Ahhhhhhh, there... the word finally emerged. It is not only the cold and ice and rain and snow that brings me to where I am. There are Holidays, one only 3 days away, that also cause the highs and lows. The holidays bring on fears and memories that make my head shake, in the most literal way. There is the coming together of family and friends. Something I love and look forward to anytime we can get together. Anddddd, there is that "OMG" fear that there will be a group and it will be crowded and "will I do something to draw attention to my disorders!!??" 
 The holidays are so beautiful and Christmas is easily my favorite time of the year. But! The stores are packed with people. People that do not understand my issues. People that would view my ticks and small out-bursts as something to fear or shun. What is not understood is normally feared. I know I have to go into the stores to get what I need. O know that there Will be a moment or two that I become a bit lost and seek out a place that seems safe and I Will sit there, hoping that  someone I love walks by and finds me.  I may even cry while walking through the store. Not something I Want to do. Something that just happens. It may be because I saw something beautiful that touched my heart and so I cry. It might be seeing something that takes me back to when My Sheila was with me and we walked though the store, laughing and smiling and loving one another.{I miss her.} Or maybe, just maybe, it was nothing at all except that the people and the store and the season have suddenly over whelmed me and I just cry. So many thoughts. So many to worry about and love and try to be there for, knowing in my soul that I have NOT been. Guilt that can not be measured and more than it can be imagined. You really have to walk through it, literally.
 This is my life. This is how I walk through life every single day of my life. Some very good days filled with love and smiles. Some days not so happy, filled with sadness and an aloneness that completely engulfs you and tries to smother the life out of you. What ever the day may be like, I walk through it with the hope that I will win another battle. Not the war. I don't ask to win the war that day. I simply pray that I can defeat the enemy that is mine. An enemy that is invisible to the rest of the world, making it impossible to explain or give reason for my actions.
 The Holidays. A time for joy and laughter and smiles. A time for fear and sadness and a deep depression that kicks my butt in ways most can not even imagine. I am there. I am half dizzy because my mind is spinning so fast. This can be a very, very long season...   


Unknown said...

Winter, the isolation of it, the darker days and then the holidays that are very hard to get through when you are dealing with any kind of mental illness. Yes I understand what you are saying yet I don't. No one can really feel the darkness that is inside someone with the challenges you face. People smile and nod as if to say "yes old chap I quite see" but they don't and nor do they want to. Isn't life so much easier when it is not them? Many explanations here my dear friend.

Anonymous said...

I can understand many of the things you're saying. Winter in itself is long and people are stuck in the house more then they want to be. The Holidays puts more pressure on us, not only with money but with all the memories that flood back of Christmas past and what we now don't have. People we have loved that can't share the holidays with us any more. I try to remember the good times and how lucky I was to have the years I had with them all. When I get so low I try to keep busy which is hard to do but I keep pushing myself. There is great sadness with the Holidays but there are the joys that come with it also. Family comes and even when you want to say okay it's time to leave you can't so you suffer in silence. You're not alone as many suffer and I guess that's what I'm trying to say, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. In many ways we are lucky and blessed because we have family that loves us and are willing to stick around with us through the good and bad times. I Pray that you will be feeling better soon my dear friend.

Linda H

Darrel said...

As I read both comments, I realize that the real truth is that it is hard to describe what one is feeling inside. Concerning the bipolar and where it takes me, I can only say that the bitter sweet comes from many places.
I too struggle to find an understanding of all that this mental disorder encompasses and hope one day to have a better understanding of the why more than the what.
I thank you both for the very in depth responce here and will endevoure to open peoples eyes to the bipolar and tourrets side of living with them daily,

KB said...

Hi sweetie,
Noone can totally understand how an individual feels unless they are that individual. That's why it's important that you talk about these things here so we can better undertstand. I, as you know, have had my troubles with anxiety disorder and the more I talk about it on my blog and face-to-face, the more I understand I am not alone and it's OK to be who I am. We love you just the way you are sweetheart and don't you ever forget that. Love and hugs from your favourite Krazy Blonde x

Darrel said...

Ah, Karen... you always touch me with your words. You have seen the side of me that is lost and without a path. You and I have walked together {virtually} and spent countless hours talking about these things.
Yes, talking or writing about the issues that plagued our every day is the most perfect way to find a small amount of peace with in ourselves. You are kind in your words and you are so very dear to my heart. A friendship to always be cherished and I thank you for your words here. Always I am, Simply Me.

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