Thursday, December 9, 2010

And so... I write.

Morning comes to us whether we wish it to or not. Waking, standing and starting my day at 5 a.m., many say, "any day I wake is a good day." I wonder. For many, starting the day is as simple as dressing and going to work. For some, it is the beginning of thoughts that plagued you in your sleep. The reminder that you have unfinished business from the yesterdays that have already past. Business that is really about trying to settle your thoughts. The attempt, no matter how feeble, to find a way to face the guilt that has been a part of your anxieties for days.
 For those of you that have grown children, I think you will understand. I am a father and proudly, I am a Grand-father for the first time. The love I feel for the newest addition to the family is bigger than I could have imagined. A gift from God that I cherish each and every day. Another blessing in a long line of heaven sent blessings that my life has been so beautifully graced by.
 But... there is so much more to this. I mentioned guilt. Guilt that over-powers me and takes me where I wish not to be. Bipolar? Mind issues? Perhaps... or maybe as normal as any other parent reading this. I love to see my daughter and thank God daily that she is so close to me. A few blocks and she is here at the house. But what of the days that I would rather just be alone? Not so much a fact of not wanting to see her. More, the need to have time to sit alone and do my writing or what-ever else I may choose to do. Wrong and selfish to want that? Ahhh, that is the question I do not know how to answer. The very core of my anxieties this day and sleeplessness last night.
 I thought of her and Baby Robert, alone all day as I sat here, quite able to go and bring her over to my home. But I did not. I sat here and the guilt stormed my senses and left me unable to do most anything. Should a parent truly Not want to see his child and grand-child? Is that wrong or is it normal? I carry that question through-out my day and tears  stream down my face. I know of millions that would give anything for the chance to see their loved ones every single day. And yet, I chose not to do that. For what, alone time? I am over-come with wondering. Where does a parent that opts not to see his kids and grand-kids fit in? Am I selfish in this act? Should I chastise myself and make sure I don't do it again?
 My love for my children is full and never ending. My need for time alone is strong and sometimes endless. My guilt is always. This is my life and the thoughts race past me to fast to stop one. And so... I write. The out that purges so much when we are able to place our thoughts in writing. The sasatisfaction that at least Once today, I have sat and stopped my world long enough to write. I do not want to bring my daughter here based on guilt. I want to See her because she is loved. Step into my world for a moment and see why I become so lost in thoughts. My little Bipolar brain crying for the loneliness she had to endure because "I" wanted to be alone. A guilt that will need to be settled in my own way. But that, is another write all in and of it's self.   

8 comments:

Susan said...

The tragedy and comedy of life. They feel so entwined with each other, wanting something yet not. I say what I will not do and that is taking time for ourselves, to be who we are, to take time to just think if we choose, or read or write or reflect. Do we feel guilty for wanting some alone time? Yes, and yet to have some quiet time and think about our lives knowing we are doing it for OURSELVES is a very bitter pill to swallow, yet swallow we must. If only to be more than less for those we love. Does this make sense?

Josh said...

You know, Uncle D, sometimes I struggle with spending time by myself instead of being with people. Rachel and I have talked a lot about this, and we're realizing that each of us need our own "alone time" just so that we can recharge. She's an extrovert, and often gets charged up by being with people, while I'm an introvert, and need that alone time to feel rested and able to spend more time with people. But both of us need that time either by ourselves or maybe with just the guys (for me) or just the girls (for her). Sometimes I just sit and do a crossword or play guitar while she bakes or one of us goes out and the other stays home. God made us to be relational, but even Jesus went away from his disciples to pray and have "alone time." I'm not saying that all your time alone needs to be prayer or anything, but I don't think we need to feel guilty for needing time by yourself. I think Sam knows that you love her and love Robert. And I don't think it's unloving for you not to see them every day, either. That can give them time for their family to grow too. It's definitely good that you spend time with your family, but it's okay to set up boundaries for that time, too.

So, I didn't even know you had a blog until you made that comment on Bec's facebook. I'm not the greatest at remembering to check blogs (and i haven't posted on mine in a long time!), but I'll try to check back now and again. Hopefully we'll see you over Christmas!

Love ya,
~Josh

Darrel said...

Susan, I believe your insight is well versed in that we battle to decide whether to or not to take time forourselves. We know in advance that every action does in fact have a reaction and that this scenario has two. The reaction that we feel selfish for not only taking the time but in the fact that we may have enjoyed it in some way.
The "pill" has it's own side effects in that we will chastise ourselves for taking our OWN time. The proverbial Dr Doolittle's "pushme-pullme" to headed lamma, truly attatched at the heart but with two very different minds.
Thank you for reading this and for your words, both taken to heart. Always, Darrel

Darrel said...

Josh, I find myself both honored and in wonderment as to seeing you have come to my blogsite. you may learn things about me here you did not know as it isn't something the family speaks of often. I pray with my soul it does not leave you with a sense of disapointment in where life has taken me at times. I have maintained this site for 5 years and have written on many subjects from bipolar to mental disorders as well as healing. I write often on care-giving and speak about the years of love and life and learning that gave to me wisdom and beauty in the 24 years your Aunt Shiela and I spent together. She taught me many great things and guided and carried me far more that I did her. She was my souls strength and I, merely her physical strength.
Your words are true here and I thank you for taking the time to write. Alone time isn't something I alwatys feel I am deserved of and I also feel that if I am indeed taking time alone then I am stealing time that I could have used to help another soul or share time with someone so they are not lonely. I will ponder your words for a time and thank you now for your writing. God Bless you and Rach... love Uncle D

KB said...

I believe you must take time for yourself before you can give yourself fully to others. Hope that makes sense x

Josh said...

Uncle D, I'm glad that I was able to find your site. Maybe this will give us a chance to dialog about different things...I always enjoy talking with people! :) I felt your comments were interesting in that I have felt similarly at times:

"Alone time isn't something I always feel I am deserved of and I also feel that if I am indeed taking time alone then I am stealing time that I could have used to help another soul or share time with someone so they are not lonely."

Personally, I think it's easy to want to meet everyone's needs...and it seems like you feel the same way. But God didn't create us to have to do everything ourselves. I think you should definitely use some of your time to help others, but if you don't take care of yourself, how will you be in any shape to take care of those others (i.e. family)? I don't think you're stealing time from others when you spend time alone. But I find it helpful to try and maintain a healthy balance between spending time with others and spending time by myself.

Just thoughts to ponder...

Darrel said...

It makes perfect sense to me dear KB... I just don't follow the rules sometimes. Thank you for reading and hugs from me to you.

Darrel said...

Joshua, your words are firm and true and it touches me that you understand more than perhaps I thought. I began responding here but took it to a new blog. read it and you will see the appreciation I have for you taking the time to read my blogs.And you will see a few of my fears for the same.
Thank you and I do hope my writings do not turn you away. Love to you. Uncle D

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