Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Is there Life after A Death...

Strange that I would write a novel about a soul that wanders the world not yet rested. A lady that was filled with love and yet in one sad moment, she took her own life. All she wanted to do was love and be loved. But the novel doesn't simply rest on Christines ability to find peace. Achieving that goal involves new people, new loves but also... the ones left behind.
Life after death. Not what you think here at all. I am not going to debate one of the most ancient of old questions. That is for someone elses blog. I am talking about "life" in the "living" mode after a loved one {mainly a spouse}has gone to heaven. What happens to the one that is left behind? What is their life to be now? I think for some, they simply move on with their lives. Some take time to go away and reflect for a time before beginning they return to life normal, what-ever that may be. And then... there are those of us that sit in limbo, like Christine, wondering what their purpose now is in life.
This I believe is especially true for those that were care-givers. I remember when Sheila first could walk again after so long of needing me to help her. I was devistated. I suddenly wondered what my purpose was. For so long I was her stand up, lift up, lay down, lift her legs into her bed, tucked her in guy. Now... what was it I was supposed to do? It took time to go back to the "normal" everyday life. I had to redefine my purpose all over again. I adjusted just in time for her to go back into the hospital and come out in a wheelchair and needing again. We did this more times than I care to say but each time I had to start over. But at least I knew what was expected of me when we did need to readjust.
And then one day... she was gone forever here on earth. All I had done for 24 years, everything I knew about how we lived and how we sgheduled her illness around our life, was gone. I wasn't going to get up in the night to take her to the bathroom. I wasn't going to readjust her pillow or turn her just so and try to make her as comfortable as possible. I wasn't going to lift her into the van or kiss her good morning or kiss her goodnight anymore, except in my dreams. My world had changed in a most terrible way. The only thing that was still very familiar was the endless flow of tears.
BOOM!!!!! Jump ahead now to present day, two years and a month later with me. Still the sorrow, the unbeleviable pain and loss that still holds me in its grip. The tears still flow and the dreams are never ending. There is Love after the loss but at what cost. The fear that I may forget Sheila if I give my love to another. Yet the love is there and the want is there. The desire to give everything I am to another, does that nullify my place with her in heaven? DO I lose the right to hold her in heaven?
And my new love. What of her? Will she live with a man that has not let go of his past? Will she ask me if I love only her? The heart wants to love again but the mind is still afraid. Afraid that I might love again and then face again the horrible, soul torchering feeling of loss that I felt when Sheila went to heaven. I can proclaim my love but only in words. When I say I love you, am I lessening my love for My Sheila? How much of me is there to give? Will it be enough to cause my new love to stay or will the Ghost, the very essence of My Sheila cause her to one day say, "enough?"
I walk around in a daze often, unsure of what it is my purpose really is. I strive to find new purpose, a new reason to get out of bed each day. I got up each day because Sheila loved me and needed me. I knew every single day what it was I was going to do and whom it was going to be with.
Is there life after the death of a spouse you loved with all you were? Yes, I truly believe there is. Some times it takes a little time and patience and the right love to bring it out. But be encouraged, there is "life" after the death of a deeply loved partner. It just has to be found in it's season and in it's time. I will write more on this as I do have more thoughts.

8 comments:

ettarose said...

Stopped by to say hi. Beautiful post as usual. I wish I could say something to you to ease your pain. Just know you have a place in my heart. I think just as you can love more than one child so too can you love more than one special person. What would Sheila have wanted for you? If it were the other way around would you have wanted her to go on and find someone to share her life with? Or suffer alone for the rest of her life? I wish you peace if only for a few minutes at a time. Love

Darrel said...

thank you for stopping in and reading this. You know how much it means to me. I do understand your words but something in my heart feels like I will be betraying what we had. i will get it sorted out in my head soon I am sure.
Again I thnk you for always being so kind and compassionate with my writes. Hugssssssss to you from me. I look forward to hearing from you in mail soon... Darrel

Elaine Williams said...

Hi: I found your blog in my google alerts. I'm a widow of four years. At two years, I was still struggling mightily with my loss, and now, at four years, I still have the occasional day where it just hits me, and I consider myself well on the way to a well adjusted, healed, never forget -- but move on type of person.

From my own experience, I would say don't worry about finding someone else, just trust that whatever is right for you, will be brought into your life. Sometimes we rush ahead in life without savoring what we have right now, the time to really get to know who we are, and who we've become due to our life and/or grief experiences. In time, all things do become clear. I understand the extreme loneliness, I had my husband for almost 23 years, but I also know, for myself, I will find someone who will enhance my life, and welcome into his life the person I have become. May you be blessed. elaine

Darrel said...

Elaine, thank you from my heart for reading this.Not sure what a google alert is but I am glad it found me. Your words are precious to me and that we share the same zodiac is nice.
I am not in a hurry to find new love. I was blessed once in this lifetime and am content in that love for this season of my life. When it is right, my life will be where it should be right when it is.
thank you again for your beautiful words AND God Bless you, though I feel he already has... Always, Darrel

Magdalen Islands said...

This is a unique way to start your thoughts on the survivors of a deceased spouse. Of course I don't know what it is to lose a spouse but I have lost my mum and dad. It is devastating to the soul! I'd say it took 4 years before I could handle mum's death without the tears. And even now, after 25 years, I still miss her incredibly. My dad, not so much, because we weren't a part of his life, until I was an adult really.

Darrel said...

I hope that it was not out of line somehow. It was thoughts I was having and put them into writing. Perhaps i went where I should not have. If so, then I am terribly sorry. Thank you for reading this and yes... there are few things in this world that can compare to the loss of your lifes love. It completlely turns your world up side down. But I suspect you can find a way to make it right again Or at least to find some comfort in life again. I always love your words. Hugssssssss to you, D

Magdalen Islands said...

You are not out of line, Darrel. This is your blog and your thoughts. If anything I was for commenting and expressing my thoughts on the matter. Looking at life and death and bringing a new way of looking at tragedy, to the table is never out of line. In fact, it makes me think more on how I felt about mum's death and realize that that was the way it was meant to be.

Darrel said...

Thank you for letting me know it was not wrong to write what I was feeling. Sometimes I do truly fear that what I write may cause a reader to turn away. Your words are always a comfort to me and I thank you for the heart that you have. You are dear to me, Wynn. Thank you for this... Always, Darrel

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