Saturday, April 5, 2008

Things I know about being alone in a crowd!

You sit there in a room filled with people. These are friends, family, people you have known forever, it seems. They talk and you talk and conversations go by one right after another...some even overlapping one another. And yet, you are not there with them, not really. Your mind is somewhere else, far away and departed from this crowd. You wonder if it is truly possible to feel This alone with so many people standing 3 feet away from you. Can you really feel this terribly removed and disconnected when all of these people love you? Are the tears you feel welling up behind your eyes going to burst forth uncontrolably, causing the need to explain what you have no idea how to explain?
The answer to these questions is Yes! I sit and listen to everyone around me. It is Christmas, Easter, maybe just a family gathering. But I am not there with them. Perhaps physically but for certain not mentally. Tears escape my eyes and I try to dry them as quickly as I can to avoid detection. Someone, in a voice that seems a million miles away says "Where are you tonight?" "I am right here" I answer and add a stupid, over-exagerated smile to my answer. Too much going on and they are drawn into another conversation. They are content with your answer for now. Too much going on all around not to be. "I" am thankful for the business around me.
All I want to do is hold her once more. All I want to hear is her voice in this crowd of loved ones saying "Hey good looking, I love you." Longing for the touch of her soft hand on my arm, as she always did to comfort me or say silently she loved being here with me. Closing my eyes for a moment, hoping for a private moment with her just one more time.
"Do you know how much I loved you... love you even today? Did I tell you enough? Do you forgive me for the person I couldn't always be for you? Is there a way I can wash away this guilt and sorrow that may one day swallow me up and cause me to disappear? Can you say something aloud to me, Please, because God forgive me, I can't remember what you sound like anymore My Love."
"HELLO!!!!!!! Did you hear me, Uncle D? Do you want more coffee?" Where on earth did they all come from? I thought it was just me and my tears sitting here. They are all so good to try and keep my mind focused. But I am not here, not really here at all. I am a million "I am so sorries" away. More tears, even as I write they flow down my cheek. A hundred back-spaces to correct my spelling and a laugh out-loud as I respell again. "My God... you an author!? Thank God for editing."
Can you be truly alone in a crowd? Oh yes, my friends, you can. More alone than you might possibly imagine. And alone gives way to thinking. Thinking gives way to memories and memories make an entry way to tears. Tears... {sighs} to................................ D.


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