Tuesday, September 21, 2010

From Beauty to the Ugliness within... My World.

Autumn... my favorite season of all. I feel energized and a peace about me when this season comes along. Today, one of the most perfect Fall days. It is rainy outside. The clouds are hanging low and dark. Mid-day and lights need to be on to make it light enough to type. Leaves are falling as the rain falls on them and the ground is splattered with the colors of Fall. The grass is still green, with a hint that it might still grow if the Sun would only caress it with it's warmth.
 My porch, long and wide with new wood  that smells so good and looks so very clean. The perfect setting for a Fall day. A cup of hot coffee, flavored with French Vanilla creamer, is held lovingly in my hand. I look out at the rain, thunder rolling somewhere in the not too distant. A trace of lightening flashes across the sky. Not enough to warrant going inside for shelter. Just enough to add to this Fall day. And then, I catch the scent that tells me Fall has truly arrived. I breath in the fragrance of fire-wood, burning somewhere in this little town. It is like heaven to me and I smile softly to myself. How I wish autumn would never have to go away. The knowledge that winter is just around the corner both excites me and saddens me.
And then I feel it. The tear that is slowly making it's way to my cheek. It's warmth turning to quickly to cold on my face. Another follows the same path as the first tear and my mind begins to wander as it does so very often these days. Do they know??? Do they feel me without me speaking? Do my smiles cover enough to hide the torment that I feel, ravishing my insides... fighting my every attempt at simply enjoying this perfect Fall day? Just like the rain taking the leaves down to the ground as it falls, I do not want to take my loved ones down with me. How my soul and my heart fight one another. My heart so wanting to simply enjoy but my soul will not let me.
 Can you imagine living this way? Is it possible to continue to survive when everything you do is turned to tragedy or guilt? A life that any man would beg to have. Something precious that the world searches and steals and lies and cheats just to hold for a moment. Peace, serenity and contentment. They are all mine to have and hold and Yet!!!!!!! I can not find that contentment inside my soul. I think of the bipolar and the tourettes and all that it does to me. Thieves in the night that steal away what is rightfully Mine. A constant reminder that I am Not like everyone else. That I can not simply live my life and not fear that one or the other will pop up at the most inopportune time and whisk away the smile that found it's way to my face. A soul, torn to shreds by wrongs not even his own. tears cried for loved ones because he Fears that they will be sad. Feeling that he IS responsible for their smiles as well as their sadness. Trying desperately to carry their pain so that They can have this beauty and contentment that is so easily his own. A Sadness that over takes me in a way few could imagine.
 I stepped out onto the porch again, taking in the wonders that are Fall. I feel the heaviness of all my thoughts and my mind becomes confused. Is it anger or pain or sadness or happiness that is striving so hard to reach the top of my head and escape? Too many thoughts running around up there to really figure out which one will win yet. All I can do is let the day finish out. I will try to pull out some of the incredible beauty of the day and make it my own. I am not greedy. I do not need it all. Just a little bit of this scene, minus the tears of depression. A man, blessed far more than any man, especially This man, ever deserved to be bless, and yet, sadness is my constant companion. I am not an "unhappy" man. I love to smile and make others laugh and feel good. I love to know that I bring joy to some lives and that when I leave this world, I will be remembered in a good way. Will I be remembered as a good man that had a good heart? I do hope so.
 Welcome to my world. I wonder if anyone will See the pain I fight every day.  Will they read the depth of my sorrows in my words today or will they just see a pathetic nothing, that sits and writes, nothing? Can You feel the depth of my sorrows? Sorrows with not a reason in the world to be there. "I" do not even know where it comes from. I only know that it comes to me during my most serene and love filled times. The highs that are so high, I am euphoric and can envision a fireplace, softly burning, in my living room. I can see myself sitting near the fire, warming myself and smiling as I watch the family going about their day. Such beautiful thoughts. Sighsssss... And then, they are gone. Replaced with a Low that revivals my highest High. Who would choose to live this way? No one would ever ask to live this way. When you doubt that it is real, you give me cause to think that I could have done something to NOT be this way. You crush my very heart and make me feel stupid and weak. Do you know that you do this to me??? Will you cry for me when you read this? I wonder...   

2 comments:

Susan said...

Only God knows the inexplicable, torment that is in store for a bi-polar. How a happy thought can turn ugly, coming across like a sucker punch, to a man fighting in the ring of his life. It is so hurtful to have these ugly thoughts, so unexpected and so very unwelcome. I can only empathize with you, feel pain as real as mine.

Darrel said...

thank you Susan, for your words og understanding. It helps to know that my words are taken in and felt by those that read them. I often wonder if I waste time, my own and that of the reader by writing these open and often very Candid thoughts. Your words encourage me and tell me differently. Again I thank you from my heart... Always, Darrel

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