Friday, September 10, 2010

Still unsure...

I am writing my memoirs for my publisher. Something I truly thought would be easy. Wow, was I wrong. I am still trying to decide exactly how healthy this endeavor is for me. Going back to the very places I have run so fast and so hard to get ahead of. In doing so, I realized something. I found that I have done exactly That. I have ran and mostly, stayed ahead of the memories but never truly got "past" them. There is a huge difference in the two words. I stayed one step ahead of issues and events in my life without ever "dealing" with them. I also found that some things I have sworn too, been so very certain that they happened exactly as I tell them today, did NOT happen that way. I lied to my own self to protect my mind from some of the more devastating things that happened. The bipolar or just a mind like everyone elses, now and then?  
 When I think of where I am today, I realize that I created a world that I could survive in. A world that wasn't always cruel and demanding but that offered goodness and kindness. I have thoughts of how the world Should be and wonder if I wasn't born in the wrong time. I missed the part when the world was a softer place to be. People weren't so rushed and families were exactly that... A family. Not some abstract sense of the word but sat together and ate together and actually could strike up a conversation without having to unload a heap of baggage or thoughts before starting. Not to say that my family did not sit at the table together and eat and talk. We did that and it was good, except for the parts when father and mother discovered we had done something wrong at school or home. It always seemed to come out in the middle of dinner. So, there you sat, picking at your food, knowing all to well that when dinner was finished, the "issue" Would be dealt with. Ah, but look at me now. The very one that just wrote about abstract thoughts and words is busy doing just that. I seem to be all over the place with my thoughts.
 I go back now to the origin of this write. How healthy is it to type your memories and re-read where you have been and see the things you have run from appear before your own eyes. I find myself pausing occasionally in my writing of the memoirs. that is something extremely unusual for me to do. I normally sit and just write, letting the energy of writing take me where-ever it might. I fear some of the places I might go with the writing. I known that many family members do not know where I have been in my life. They don't know of the things that created the very man that they question as to whether he truly has issues or is just where he is because he likes to be there. Trust in my words when I say that No One "wants" nor "chooses" to be where I am today. Few would enter such a mind and fewer would survive or come out "sane" if they Did enter.
 Memoirs... are they healthy? Do the wonderfully colorful memories I have out-weigh the bad ones? Will I reveal, perhaps, more than I should? I guess I will have to continue writing to fund the answers to my questions. Living in a mixed up, slightly confused and off-balanced world is not as pretty as one might think. Thank the stars that I have my writing...  


Anonymous said...

To me you sound very sure. Don't forget no matter what a person has, either bipolar disorder , depression, cancer, MS..whatever these are just the illness' that effect the human body..organs..and our spirit is 100% perfect, always was always will be. One may not be able to cure an illness but one can manage it..and this is important, so a person can live a quality life and experience and learn from all things experienced. Lets just for a moment think and believe , we could have chosen the illness' we have, maybe for a reason, maybe to grow from it, maybe to learn from it, maybe to teach someone else something else,and the possibilities are endless on this earth and in the universe. When the human mind is constantly comparing itself to others, than we, maybe if we just allow ourselves, love ourselves the way we are..the burden of things would not be so heavy on human shoulders. I am glad you are writing and you never know who is reading and benefiting from it, so blessings to you always. continue to write and enjoy your perfect life. MaryAnn

Darrel said...

MaryAnn, thank you for taking the time to read this. I take in your words and thank you for them. To love ones self may be not only the most therapuetic thing there is, it is for certain the hardest thing to do. A life of carried burdens, truly belonging to one self or not is still a plot to let go of.
I will see where this writing takes me and process things along the way. Thank you for your words. Always, Darrel

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