Pictures... the good, the bad but the never Ugly

This morning I was looking through my desk drawer for shhhhh, a lighter for a much needed cigarette. Yes I know, what a nasty habit. But that is for another blog and not one I will write soon. As I shuffled through the what nots of the drawer, I came across a picture. It was a picture I long ago told a very special lady that I had thrown away. Ahhh, those little white lies. The picture was of my Sheila and was taken not long after she had become so ill. I remember her telling me when she saw it to "Toss that Ugly thing out!! I mean it, D, throw it. I look so terrible in that picture. I did NOT toss it obviously.
My mind went back to that time for a moment or two. To a time when she spent most of her days in the hospital and I spent mine taking care of Samantha, our only daughter at the time. The picture was taken on one of her very few days outside. The meds had taken their toll on her and the illness had ravaged her body. But it was that outing that had been the start of her first remission. She had so enjoyed spending time with the family and laughing as we talked and spent time together. I was so thrilled to have her out with us and to be a family, if even for one single day.
I shuffled through more pictures in the drawer and tears came to my eyes. Each picture was a sequence to her getting better for a time. Why I had taken them that way I don't know. Or perhaps I had not and they simply came out that way to me. I found pictures of her fishing with me when we were first married. there were memories of our first anniversary and our first Christmas. There were pics of me on Christmas morning. We got up at 5 every Christmas morning for 24 years. I have to tell you, I was definitely the "bad" looking at 5 a.m. She, always looked as if she just came home from the store or a get together. Even at 5 a.m. she was for sure the "good." there were pictures of her in a wig from when she lost her hair to chemo. Scary pics of me wearing it, looking a bit like a Rocker with my beard and her wig. Fun times that we shared to make softer of the reason there was a wig to share.
As I looked through the rest of the pictures, they took me down a twenty-four year road of memories. Needing to stop and cry for a minute, I realized that there were no Ugly pics. There were no pictures to be shunned or hidden. These pictures were a chronicle of a life spent filled with love and caring and tears and smiles and lessons that we would live by then...and that I live by as best as I can today. A remembering of a love so beautiful that I know God must have surely seen something good in me to have blessed me with such photographs of Love caught on camera.
I smiled as I packaged the pictures together and moved them from my drawer to the strong box. With them I placed a note written to my daughters. It simply says, "these are yours to remember that each of these pictures shows one thing. They show your mother was still with us. Let them tell you now that she still is and always will be. there are no Uglies in pictures, only life and memories to cherish. Love Dad."
Have a look at your old photo album when you get the time. And remember, there are good, there are some frighteningly bad... But there are truly no Uglies.

Things I know about Seasons...

Seasons are defined as time changes in the earths temperatures, generated by a tilt of the earths axis.As I have thought about this over the years, I see a direct parallel to seasons of our lives. Things that happen, people we meet and events that change our own personal world.
Throughout my life, I have watched people enter and stay and sometimes leave my life. Some have come to stay and may be with me until my own season of time is finished here on earth. Very often, people were placed in my life, I believe by God, that were to be with me until a certain lesson were learned. At times, they shared my life until they themselves found answers to their own questions. I have not always known the reasons why someone was brought into my world or why I was brought into theirs. I do know that everything we do, every person we meet, every love we share has it's season.
Our lives are truly one journey through out the seasons. We begin in the spring, new life coming forth into the world. Much like the true spring, we may bring beauty and warmth to the world around us. We may be as flowers or trees that fill in a place in a vast forest of humans. We may also be the "weeds" that come forth and cause the hurt and pain and ugliness we see in the world at times. At any rate we begin our seasons there, in the spring of our lives. As we grow, we may see storms or patches of cold left over from a winter before us. Things that happened before we ever were that effect our lives. Our families medical history or some "skeleton" that hides in our families closet.
As we grow and learn, new events and new people come into our lives. Some are there because of the roads we choose to walk on. Others come to us because someone bigger than you or I knew we would need them in our lives, even if only for a season. How we learn from or do NOT learn from these people and happenings forms the next season of our life. That "Tilt on our axis or the warmth of the sun shining closer to us at times in our lives.I think back to my brothers hand being placed on my shoulder, me to become his eyes at such a young age. I was his eyes and he was my teacher... for a season. A preparing and nurturing of my character that would bring to me compassion and patience I would need for another season in my life. The Summer of my life, learning to give of myself and to find the good in things presented to me. Not to be bitter or resentful as I could have turned. A time of growth that would bring with it life and love and smiles and sorrows. Laughter enough to carry me through to the next season of my life. Sadness to teach me to know the hearts of those that felt the sting and pain of loss or heart break. thinking now of My Sheila, the love we shared and the pain and sadness we sometimes endured so that we could see the next season of our lives. The compassion and love and patience taught me by helping my brother and working with disabled that I had know way of knowing would be needed when I fell in love with My Angel. We would walk through our life as it were in the summer. Sometimes simply enjoying the warmth of the sun, the lake and its beauty and the joy that summer brings to every one that vacations, is out of school for the summer or simply loves NOT being cold. Yet other times of the same season, being burned by the sheer heat of the season, not covering ourselves enough with protective lotions, leaving our skin and our heart open to burns and pain.Watching as the heat of things in our lives tried so hard to scorch and burn away the love from our life. Trying to take away the beauty of the flowers that were our spring. Finding that we, together could comfort one another and bathe each other in loves soothing ointments of caring and compassion. Learning that the burns and the pain healed over in time if we were patient and cleansed the wounds faithfully.
And then came Autumn. A season when the days are shorter and softer. A time when the heat is not so searing and the nights give way to a cool that allows us to sleep sweeter. A time that often brings with it a cold wind that bites at us when it finds us unprepared for its sting. Still dressing casually, exposing our arms and legs to the elements surrounding us. We think we won't be caught the same way the next year and yet it happens again. We prepare for the change in season and still... it nips at our ears and fingertips. This season of my life, a season I swore for 24 years I was prepared for, bit me. Never believing for a moment that my summer would end, knowing she would always be beside me, My world Tilted on it's axis. Catching me still walking hand in hand in the summer of love, I foolishly looked away for a moment and my summer was gone. the warmth of the sun replaced by the cool of aloneness. An emptiness that left me exposed to all I thought I had prepared for. My Autumn clothes still sitting, waiting to replace my summer wear, not yet placed in my dresser. In the blink of an eye, summer was gone and Fall was here.
But with the "Fall" season came the thing that it was originally known by. Harvest season. A time to gather and reap all that had been mine and hers. To sit back and remember the beauty of our spring. A place to recall the warmth of our summers love. To look at the two daughters she and I created together and smile. Now a time to see new people and new lives brought into mine. Lives that I learned from life, might only be with me for a season. A time, long enough for them to find something lost or to show me something I thought gone with my summer. Perhaps not four seasons again, but a springtime of awakening. Seeing new beauty and remembering the past beauties in my life. The blessings that would sustain me through the impending winter. To bring in from the fields of experience, things I will need to live through another winter. Another time of bundling up and finding ways to stay warm and combat the harshness that is winter. The knowing that there Will be another spring. There will be a summer of smiles and laughter as I watch my grandchildren play and grow. A springtime that will bring me home, full circle to My Love and heaven.
To everything there is a season... I do not know what the season hold in store for me. Neither do any of you. But I do know that people are brought into our lives for a reason and a season. Sometimes we get all four seasons with them and sometimes... they are only here until we learn something of ourselves or they learn something of themselves. No matter how long or short the awakening, enjoy it to its fullest, share all you are able too and do not try and take the seasons too fast. You may miss the very reasoned it rained or the sun shined. Even the snow has it's purpose.
God bless you All... Darrel

Things I know about Surveys...

I wanted to write about a survey site that has impressed me. I do a lot of on-line surveys daily. Some pay in gift cards, some in points and some pay in cash. The problem is that often the sites either don't pay you like they promised, pay you pennies for a lot of reading or leave you waiting forever to see your money. And yes, there are those that do not ever get around to paying you.
When I come across a really good site that really does pay you and pay you quick, I want to promote it a bit. One such site that I have found is this one... TreasureTrooper. I have been with a lot of sites that for years I havent really made too much money. Certainly not enough to brag about. But TreasureTrooper is a site that at least once a month you can expect to get a check from and that check will be no less than $20.00 and is foten much more than that. With the surveys and referals and a few other fun things to do, you can see checks for hundreds of dollars. And you don't have to take my word for it, you can go to their site and see the results.
I have cashed another check from them and my daughter and I enjoyed a very nice night out for dinner on them with money to spare. Give them a try. You are online anyways and it only takes a few minutes a day to earn some spending money. Try it out and tell them boogieman_50627 sent you. I am happy to do so and you... will be happy you did. Always, Darrel

Things i know about Hugs...

As we left the hospital where my Father laid, recovering from surgery, a strange thought crossed my mind. Each of the family not only Hugged my father, but we in turn hugged each other. I thought about each time we see each other, and that is at least two or three times a week, we always hug one another when we are leaving. We have always been a huggy family. I was raised in a very loving family and church I think might have been some of the learning about hugs too. Whenever you left church, you either shook hands or hugged. No one seemed shy to do this and so it became a sort of life-style. I thought about the feeling that the hug left me with as I walked away that day. It wasn't just a feeling of happiness. It was more a feeling of being loved or cared about. A feeling that someone cared enough not to be to shy or embarrassed to hug me.
Throughout my life, hugs have been used for so many reasons. I used them as a greeting to someone I had not seen in a while. By that hug, I could tell if they were truly happy to see me or just "going through motions." Hugs were there when someone did good or someone caused others to smile. Those same hugs were there for me so many times throughout my Love and my years of walking through her illness together. Times when her body hurt so badly, that the only intimacy we could share was talking and hugging one another. It was a way of showing one another that we loved and wanted to be with each other. It sustained us many times through out our life together. Hugs were a way of communicating without saying a word. To simply walk by someone you love or someone that is hurting for any reason, to squeeze their hand or hug them gently from behind is the silent way to say "I care."
There are so many benefits to a hug, both emotionally and physically. The world that shuns hugs or the person embarrassed by them is missing out on not only a wonderful feeling inside, but very often a physical feeling that has healing powers beyond your imagination. Some of the benefits to a hug are a renewing of your sense of worthiness. At times when you feel down or feel as if you serve no purpose, a simple hug from someone can place your mindset into a whole no view. It can help one to heal because I learned through life that attitude is more than 50% of healing. A hug can give you a better attitude which in turn gives you a better chance at healing.
I sit here and I think of the people in prisons or on death row. My mind can not help but wonder how many of those people might not be there had they had the benefits of more hugs when they were younger. Many of them never knew the feelings of hugging and the emotional bonding that came with the hug. Something so simple, something that takes less time than it does to say "Hey, great to see you" could have changed their lives. Something so simple and yet so powerful as a hug.
When a newborn enters the world, that baby is placed on the mothers breast to be embraced. That isn't always the first time that gift of heaven has been hugged. Sheila and I hugged our baby girls even while she still carried them inside of her. Did they feel that hug? I say "yes." A baby born to a happy mother is a healthier baby. Those hugs were felt by that precious angel long before he/she would ever see this world. The bonding that takes place when a newborn is placed on its mother body is ever lasting. Few things in this world are matched by a "baby hug."
I sit here and think about the fact that my family hugs as much as they do. I wonder if those hugs had been absent in our lives, how close would we be. I wonder even more, if they had not been there, how would I have known how much my family loved me? Stop for a minute and think about the feeling you got the last time a little baby wrapped it's fingers around yours. The trust and the unconditional love that came with that tiny hug is indescribable. If that gihugically of a feeling can come from something so tiny, just think what a "bear hug" could do for you or someone you love.
The next time you want someone to know how much you care or that you are there for them, just reach out and Hug them. It is one of the best "two-way" blessings you will ever know. "HUGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to you all. Darrel

Things I know about silence...

Silence... A word that is so multi-dimensional that it can bring with it everything from tears to smiles, from screams to an Abyss. There is a Silence that appears when your children leave home, even if just for college. But the word abyss didn't seem to have the full impact that I was and am experiencing right now. The "empty nest" syndrome is at times a silence we could all to without. A house so noisy with the sounds of screaming and laughing that it deafens you... suddenly in minutes, the silence can be more deafening than the sounds you were just hearing. Sounds that were likely often traced by your own scream of "Lets keep it down" or "inside voice!!" You find yourself wishing you could hear just one more scream or one more "Dad, she won't stop touching me!!!"
Today, an Abyss fell heavily over my home. Two little girls that I have watched and cared for, smiled and laughed with as well as cried with, left to go home with their mother. The house, empty of toys I have tripped over and books and papers strewn all over the tables, seems like that deep hole that is defined as an "Abyss." Oh, what a huge house it suddenly becomes again. Is that an echo I can hear in a room where they had art tables and a t.v. and DVD player?
Were they my kids? Did I help create them? No... but they were such a deep. fulfilling part of my life. they were my smiles and my frustrations in the morning. They have been my laughter and my tears for 2 years. And they have made me remember when my girls were little and when they were growing up. They have caused me to think about all the feelings that came with watching my two daughters go from toddler to teen to young ladies and even one to become a Mrs.
I won't take away from one single parent their heart felt Abyss for when their own children left home. I won't proclaim to know what they did or did not feel when their own "Abyss" came into their home. But I will say that this happening follows the blog I wrote about change. The write that said I did not do good with change and that the disorder causes the very tiniest change to be Gihugic. Words that for-saw and warned of an eminent Low that would sink me for a time.
It brings back to the surface thew blog about guilt and blame and reasons to deal with the blame in my own way. Blame taken on in the hugest form of the word that says that I have hurt another soul because this disorder leaves me unable to be who I need to be for some. The same disorder that caused me to move into a separate room, away from the woman I loved forever and ever because I could not be around people 24/7. A state of mind that takes me places most never want to go, even me. And yet... here I am today. A place described for you best in a poem I wrote for someone that wanted to know what a day in the life of someone with Bipolar Syndrome was really like. I close this blog today with that very poem. I will sit and I will ponder all that has happened. And I will once again question what purpose I serve here in this world.
An Abyss can be a deep hole in the ocean. Or... it can be a deep silence in your life...
-------------My poem---------
Even Angels Won't Go
To those that truly want to understand our day...

My mornings all start out the same everyday
I wake and I write down all the reasons I should stay
Still tired from the sleep that almost did not come
I write half asleep and I feel my fingers go numb
Confused as to whether I am happy or sad
wondering if the day will turn out good or bad
I think "damn I made it through another night"
but whether that's a good thing in my mind I will fight
this bipolar brain of mine is waking real slow
as I drift off to places even Angels won't go
The dark places I will go throughout my day
will help me decide if I go or I stay
You asked me to walk you through my day and so
I hope you will follow me where even angels won't go
I will struggle to do all the chores there are to do
perhaps they will be easier since along with me I have you
We will wash up the dishes from last night sup
and then I'll let you come with me and help me straighten up
We will run to the store but you'll have to watch me
sometimes around people I cease to even be
Instead I will become a scared and confused man
please be an angel and gently take my hand
Now listen Death black fairy as I whisper real low
quietly lead me from this darkness where even angels wont go
We will laugh just a little and smile now and then
but somewhere in my day the darkness will come again
If you will be patient with me and treat me with tenderness
I will give you the best of me because I never give less
Then this evening we will watch a little T.V.
and I'll play my guitar and maybe you will see
I'm am an author and poet and a songwriter too
After dinner I will write a love song for you
Now it's past midnight and I think it's time that I show
the place that I've talked about where even angels won't go
Look at the little boy so very sad and afraid
who remembers the wrong done to him as if only yesterday
The babysitter scared him first then crawled into his bed and lied
saying if he touched her and made her smile the monsters would all die
She reached down and did things that at seven he did not know
They didn't come to save him so it must be where angels won't go
Can you see the things she is doing to him and teaching him to do to her
tell me Death black fairy if you can also feel his hurt
Finally softly I begin to slip off into a restless sleep
hoping for awhile you will care enough to stay right here with me
You wanted to walk with me and experience my day and now you know
why I battle with myself daily to not go where even angels won't go...

Things I know about "Change" and its effects...

Change. Such a simple word it seems and yet... Not simple at all. When I first became "manic" I was a change freak. I moved my furniture around sometimes every night and never did it stay the same for more than a week. I think i was manic long before I realized it. My brother, who is blind, lived with me for a time when we were younger. I feel bad today and think back and wonder why he didn't beat the S*** out of me. I would change the furniture around at 2 or 3 in the morning, while he slept. He would get up and by remembrance, sit where the "chair" was when he went to bed. I would hear a THUMP. That sound was expanded by the "colorful Metaphors" that will remain unwritten here. The change was something I had to have. Sometimes for a release of pent up energy and other times just because it was needed inside of me.
As the "manic" evolved into what it is today inside of me, the Bipolar of course, things changed totally for me. No longer did I move the furniture around in the middle of the night. It became just the opposite. If something was moved from where I placed it, Unless it was placed there by me, I freaked. I could walk into my house and tell you immediately if something had been moved. I would put it back where it went and then i could go on with my day. To add something to the walls, the floor, any place, and it sends me into a confused state of not sure what to do and how to deal with it. Change has become my enemy and even to sleep in a different bed or place takes time for me to adjust to the surroundings. I have to process it and make it ok in my head.
I have changes coming up in my life soon that I fear where they will put me. Totally different and life will change for me drastically. The comfort of everyday will change for a time. If I should wake and realize that there are in fact changes surrounding me, my day will be mixed with uncertainty and trying to place things in places of my mind I can deal with, even for the day. Adjustments come slow to me but they do come. Change is a frightening thing as it takes the "safe zone" out of whack for me. Anxieties will run high and lows will bounce around me like a pinball machine.
Those that deal with someone that is Bipolar daily or weekly i am sure have seen these very issues that I am talking about. You have seen the movements and the apprehensions in them. You have experienced their frustrations, not only at the changes, but at themselves. How angry we get and how stupid we feel because of HOW we Do react to changes. It is embarrassing and leaves us very exposed and vulnerable. Think about their reactions to change and I think you will understand what I am saying. This is a very real part of being Bipolar and it exists every single day in our lives.
Changes... a simple word? Not in any way. Always, Darrel

Things i know about Forever Love...

Forever Love. It's a song, a statement, a dream and something that DOES exist. Funny thing, I went to Google and looked for a definition to the phrase. I found nothing. Maybe because there really isn't a single definition of the phrase. I did manage to find a story written about forever love It is beautiful and I do hope you take the time to read it. So what Do I know about forever Love? What prompted this write tonight?
Tomorrow we will gather together as a family to celebrate my parents 55th anniversary. Now I know that isn't yet forever but to some it might seem that way. I watch my parents and see them still hold hands at the table. I watch them interact with each other and see the way they know one an others thoughts. They have been with one another long enough to move as one. Does forever love mean without a glitch ever? No... It means that they weathered the storms and held tight to the love they have always known.They walked through fires and came out with a deeper love. They showed us, their children what it was to love forever. I know 55 isn't really forever but I know that when one of them goes to heaven, the others forever will be waiting until they are together again. I am blessed to be watching them celebrate so many years together and still be in love.
How do i know so much about forever love? Because My Forever Love left too soon. She went to heaven when we had only 25 years together. And we too weathered things that some would have said "No thanks" too. And we remained In Love and so my forever love will carry me through until she and I see each other again.
Celebrate with me 55 years of Forever Love with my parents.I think that many years and still holding hands is worthy of a Blog. Always, Darrel

the way this Thing "bipolar" effects my day

People have asked me many questions about this disorder called Bipolar. The questions range from "where did it come from" or "when did it start" to the one I will discuss today.It has taken me 5 hours to write what you see as the final draft here. I have written and erased. I have sat and stared blankly at the screen. I have cried as my mind went back to all the things that helped make this a REAL issue. the question was asked... "How does it effect your "daily" routine? Does it give or take away from your day when it is strong?" The answer is this.
Today I woke at 5 a.m. and started my day. The previous day had ended for me at 3a.m. Wide awake as if I have slept for 10 hours, I go down and get a cup of coffee. I come into the computer room and sit down. I talk to a couple of friends but today is an extremely "Bipolar" day for me. My talking is abstract because my mind is everywhere. I think about days to come and those that have passed me by already. I worry about how I will get through this day. A moment later, i am care free and don't care what happens today because I have chosen to be happy. uh Huh............
My friends think i am ignoring them and I apologize 1000 times to them. They tell me it's OK but it isn't inside of me. The "going to be happy" is quickly replaced with a feeling of loss and of worthlessness. A feeling inside that nothing i have ever done was more than just average. That I have accomplished nothing more than what any other person in the world has. And that simply isn't good enough for me today. I go outside, it is a beautiful day. I reach for the rake and then set it down. I fear that if i rake i will loose my train of thought and forget something important. NOT that there is something I need to remember, mind you. I feel down and ready to cry. I wonder why My Sheila isn't here to touch me, smile at me and tell me it is alright.
Ahhhh, but then i have to quickly shit that thought down. I have lost friends because I speak of her too much. I have watched love pass me by because she is so strong in my heart. How many times did I write this and erase it? I don't remember. Life has blessed me with more love and kindness and gifts than any one man ever ever deserved. I should be the happiest man on earth. Oh what love I have known.
There are those that do not believe Bipolar is anything more than a means to "get away with stuff." They think I can turn and walk away from this, choose to NOT be Bipolar today or ever again! I offer this to anyone that wishes to take it on. I curse myself for saying that because I wish it upon no one ever! I type this now frantically because I am afraid I will loose it all and delete it.
I want to NOT have this make people look at me and say "Why would I buy a book from him? He is NOT right." "Whoa, this guy needs some serious meds." "Damnnnn, and he is walking the streets???"
I have wash to do that isn't getting done. Friends to talk to and write that I have neglected and caused them to feel bad. Even if it is not so, it is inside my mind today.I look at my watch and see the time. Where has this day gone too. It is over half finished and NOW, I want to do all the things that needed done earlier. Shame on me! Confusion and sadness, smiles and laughter. Love and anger and silence and noise. they all go together for me today and they all clash today for me.
I am sorry to ALL of my friends that I have neglected you. You have seen me here, know I am here and yet I can not carry on a conversation with you for more than 3 minutes because I might have something I have not done today. Something that did not get done because i spent the entire day unable to make a decision. Wore out from doing mostly nothing? Yes, because my mind is tired and yet it will not let me sleep. Too many things to do today.
Welcome to My world, my friends and readers. This is a world you would not want to be in for 1/2 a second. To maintain this world and get up each day and go through days where None of this occurs is a job all by itself. I give my best and love deeply and purely. I want so to know a life of just growing old with someone. But I know what a chore it is to be with me. I know I am high maintenance. But I know that the Love I give to you is deeper and truer than any love you will ever know.
Welcome to the world of being Bipolar. I am a great author and singer. I am the best friend you will ever have. And I am abstract and lost sometimes and have no clue why anyone would want to be with me. Does it effect my daily life? You answer that one. I think it is written right here.
I am so sorry to those I neglected today. I hope this helps you understand. God Bless you and know I love you all. Darrel

things i know about Faith...

Faith...a word we here all the time, used in so many different ways. Faith in oneself... is the best and safest course." Michelangelo... Faith is building on what you know is here, so you can reach what you know is there.Cullen Hightower... Keep the faith... I have faith in you. There really are so many. But i wonder if we understand the words we are saying.
I think back to my Sheila and how very often I used that word. "Baby, our faith in God will get us through." "Of course she will be alright, I have faith." "I have all the faith in the world in you. You will do fine, baby." All statements of faith that I said more times than I care to count to and ABOUT My Sheila. But it is the understanding of the word that made it all right with my world.
I was raised in a wonderfully christian home. My father was an Elder of the church and he preached for many years. Faith was always a very big part of our growing up. We prayed for people, animals, situations and anything that was sometimes bigger than us. I don't claim to always know why the prayers of faith worked. I only know that they DID work and I continued to and continue to believe. Believe is the meaning of the word faith. I found that by believing that things would go well, normally they did. 15 times doctors came to me and said Sheila would live. They didn't know who they were dealing with nor of OUR faith in God to sustain her and keep her alive. I always believed and walked away smiling as I knew that she would be alright. When someone would say to me,"Do you think she will make it this time? And 15 times I said "Of course she will make it!I have the faith for both of us."
The truth in it all is she was alright for 20 years longer than the doctors said she would be. I saw her wake from comas after months of sleeping. I saw her walk for 50% of our life when doctors said she never would again. And through it all, we took our faith with us and watched her heal time and time again. The last time she was in the hospital was such a long time. She was terribly sick again and had just woken from a coma again. Supposed to stay in the hospital for another 3 weeks, suddenly the doctors came to me and told me to take her home. I did just that and for 8 days she was with us. She saw all of the family and smiled like she always did. This time, she had a trachea and I cleaned it and helped her with it each and every day. She woke on the seventh morning and said something didn't feel right to her inside. I rushed her to the hospital where after many hours the doctors did emergency surgery. An hour or so before that, i was going out to have a cigarette and she touched my hand and asked me not to go yet. Still believing and never faltering, I stayed at her side until she fell asleep again. When they took her to surgery I smiled at her, we said I love yous and still... I believed I was simply waiting for them to correct the problem and away we would go again, back home. When the surgeon came out tooooo soon and said he could not save her, I fell to my knees crying and begging him to try again.
I remembered a question asked of me a few days before this happened. I was asked if I thought she would live through this last ordeal. I answered unlike I had ever answered in my life with her. I said I wasn't sure and prayed God to do what he would but not to make her suffer any more. And then I realized that from the moment the doctors had said "take her home", that God had taken over. My faith had not wavered ever nor had hers. It was time and we had our last few days together. In his grace, he took My Love the way she so deserved to go to heaven. She slowly over a few hours, went to sleep. Her last words were "I love you, always... I don't hurt now."
Her faith had taken her through 24 years of life and living and smiles and raising her girls and taking care of her husband and her home, in spite of all she battled daily. What I know about faith
is this. With out it you really have no where to turn and no one to turn to when it gets "bigger than you." To have faith, to believe no matter what life tosses at you gives you a place to rest. It is a word we use without thought sometimes and yet it is one of the most...if not THE most powerful word in the universe. So when you tell someone you have faith in them or to have faith, you really are giving them the greatest encouragement and the greatest compliment as well as the best advice you could ever give.
It gave me 24 years with the most precious lady any man could be blessed to have in his life...

Something that made me smile...

Every once in a while, words come across your screen that touch you in the most wonderful way. They give your heart a reason to smile and your soul to breathe a bit gentler. They are words that can take you from a rough low to a moments High. A high you want to hold on to for as long as you can. I have had words that do that to me cross over my screen today. Words that I will hold onto for a very long time. Words that came to me from a lady that recently bought "Until Death Do We Meet" through me so as to have a signed novel. I often sell both my novels from my home for people that wish to have an autographed novel of mine on their nightstand to read. I think I may enjoy a sale like the most.
The young lady that purchased my novel wrote to me to tell me she had finished the novel. After reading her words, and slowly absorbing each and everyone of them, I asked her if I could post her words online and she was so very kind and is allowing me to do so. I thanked her when I wrote to her and am Now thanking her for her kindness and for writing the words that uplifted me in wonderful ways. {Debbie} found words that made my questions of whether I should continue to pursue this career as a writer or not. I thank her for that from my heart.
This is what she had to say about Until Death Do We Meet.

"Hello Darrel, I had a few minutes and I wanted to write you to tell you thanks for the tears ,and the most wonderful book i have ever read, right from the start the book took me in and I could almost feel the pain and love in my own heart. As I read on I became so attached to the people in the story, that by the time it all ended I felt it was a part of me I was putting to rest. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the great story and when I get home from vacation I am going to write a summery of this book and get it out on the Internet. I believe everyone needs to read this story. Now you get busy writing the next book, I want to read it, and I'm also going to order from you the other book."
That is the kind of words that every author wants to as much as needs to see. Again I say Thank YOU to Debbie for her beautiful words of encouragement. I WILL keep writing. Always, Darrel...........

Things i know about passing on our traits and health issues.

We all want our children to have something of "ours." We want them to have our eyes or our hair. We want to hear people say "You are a mini version of your Father." Pride swells and we step back and say "YEP!" What a great feeling it is inside to watch our children act like us.O.k. well mostly.
Mostly means what about the traits we Do NOT want them to "inherit?" What about the smoking, the temper, the things we wish we hadn't inherited from our own parents or grand-parents? Certainly if we have health issues, it is to be assumed that one or all of our children are going to get them. They are passed on through our system into theirs. Diseases like heart conditions can be passed on to our children. Allergies, cancer and may other illnesses can leave our children predispiditioned to inherit any number of diseases. One reason it is so important to know your families medical history.
But what about depression? What about being Bipolar? Can these disorders be passed on to our children? I think in many ways we can and do pass these issues on to our children.It is documented that we can pass on our depression to our children. I don't think we pass these things on only genetically. Our actions, which our children witness no matter how hard we strive to hide it. They see the way we react to issues that surround ours and their world. if we close ourselves off from people our children will begin to close themselves off.
I am bipolar and I have turrets. I ahve seen some of my issues in my daughters. Things that at times I didn't even realize some of the actions I was passing on until i saw it in them. Traits, actions, that I would have NOT passed on to my daughters if given a choice. The bipolar caused actions and desiscions that my daughters also witnessed.
The good in all of this is that they as well as I, have a safe place. A place {person} that I can turn to who does and will understand moods and tears and highs and lows. What we pass on to our children isn't something we have a say in. They simply happen. Do not live in guilt for what you passed on to your children. BE THERE For them and understand and Love them. You will all be alright if you stay focused and enjoy life. Always, Darrel

things to learn about the power of "word of mouth."

What exactly is "word of mouth"? Well, the definition given is longer than mine. Simply said, it is telling another and another and another about something you read or heard and think they might be interested in. If I read a fantastic book, I will tell my friends. They read it and tell a few more friends. Much like a good movie, the increase in volume of those that see it can be enormous. Does it work? I would like to think so.
Now this in fact may be a what appears to be a cheap, though not so terrible way to sell a book or two. If it does come off that way than I will recall for you the writer that many, many years ago could not afford to print up nor advertise his novel in volume. Searching for a way to make more sales, he had 50 books printed up. he used all that he had in the way of money except enough to travel by train from place to place. He would leave a book or two on a seat in one of the train-cars each time he exited. He did this until all 50 books were gone except the one original that he held himself. As people read this book while they were traveling, many found they could not finish it before they reached their destination. As times were different then, rather than steal it, they would take down the name and the author and inquire to the address inside the first page. Within one year 100,000 copies had been printed and sold.
Yes, the book was good but it was by "word of mouth" that it sold as it did. Can this procedure still work today? Does it still work today? Ask Hemingway or Koontz or any of the other #1 best sellers what sells their books for them. After they are Gihugic, my own little word, their name speaks for them. but it all starts by someone telling someone about someones book or movie or food.
So this blog is about what??? It's about ME! It's about YOU! It is about me learning if "word of mouth" is as effective as those before me found it to be. Books are written about just this subject. See for yourself.
So,let's just imagine for a moment that the Internet is a train-car filled with seats and seats of people. Imagine again if you will that I just left my two novels, Abduction and Until Death Do We Meet on the seat. You didn't have the chance to finish it and really wanted to read it. boogieman_50627@yahoo.com will get you a signed copy if you order it directly from me, the author.
A strange way to advertise a novel or two? Not really. I just left my novels on about 1 million seats across the Internet. I am learning and will pass on to You just how well the Power of "word of mouth" works. Darrel

Did Abel create his Cain... more about being bipolar

This may seem like a strange title today but it is fitting of my thoughts. The story of Cain and Abel is one known by anyone familiar or unfamiliar with the bible. Don't run yet, this is not a bible lesson. How does this story tie into being bipolar? With being bipolar, some things for me, and I speak of my own self here, became more prominent. The imagination and to be able to sit and write as if I were the book and it's characters myself was one great gift.To travel past this "dimension" and go with your mind to places most wouldn't dare is both a gift and sometimes, very much a curse.There are thoughts and processing of thoughts that most would run from in an instant but that many people that are Bipolar dwell on an all to often basis.
There are other things that come with being bipolar that can render one totally crippled in advancing from one simple project to another. Are you Bipolar? Do you have friends or loved ones that are? Look around or ask your loved one this. How many projects do they have half finished? How many things have they started and somewhere in the middle or perhaps right at the end, they just walked away from them and started something new? Something new to be left for another in just a short while. One of the reasons that writing is so appealing and so therapeutic is because we can start and stop and go back to or leave it for eons and come back to finish it when we are ready.
And again you ask... what has this got to do with Cain and Abel? Another part of being bipolar is the ability to love so many at once. To truly mean that you love them when you say it and yet know that you will love another also because you are certain that Love #1 will go away from you one day. The pureness of your heart and the truth in your loving someone is often the pathway to hurt them also. Cain slew Abel because he was jealous of Gods love and respect for Abel's offerings.He had no idea of the consequences of his actions.He only wanted Gods approval. So then is it safe to say that Abel created the Cain that slew him by his good works? A far toss for certain but it reached out to me this morning as I thought of my own life. Thinking about the loves I have known and lost. Lost because my heart and the ability to love so deeply more than one person also created a place to hurt them.
How does one explain something they themselves do not understand? How do i tell you that my love is true and real when I say I love you but that I may not love you exclusively? How can I tell someone that to love me and to want to be with me is so risky because My mind slips and gets mixed up on a moment to moment turn? As indecisive as me going in to buy a cake someone asked for, a cake that was to be strawberry but there was no strawberry. So now I stand in a frozen state, freaking, scared and half sick to my stomach because I am afraid I will pick another kind and it will be one I like. It will be a selfish act now that may hurt someones feelings. And so there I stand, like a freaking idiot, unable to do anything. Welcome my friends... to my world.
So does my ability to love so deeply, so many give cause to me "slaying" the heart of someone that cares for me, even loves me deeply? Does my Abel create a Cain to kill every love i might know, just to find favor within myself? If I didn't love so deeply, so openly, so complex, would I hurt others? Is it safer, less wrong and cruel to simply NOT love and be satisfied to just finish out my life alone and not hurt someone that's only crime was that they loved me?
Welcome again I say to this very mixed up, sometimes scary, sometimes so fill with gifts and love world of mine. A world I and so many others with this disorder live with each and every day. Wondering of it is better that I not associate with the world that gives to me so much happiness and so much fear and guilt, rather than hurt those that love me? Oh goodness, am i the only one that walks this path? Is it me alone or do others share this strange and yet somehow intriguing world I live in? I wonder how many Abel's my Cain will slay before I simply say "enough!!???"

things I know about being a stay at home dad

There are so many things I learned about being a stay at home dad. Shannon was born in February, two months early. She weighed just 2lbs. 9 ounces when she came out into this world. She remained in the hospital Neo-Natal Unit for six weeks. Sheila would stay in the hospital for many more months after Shannon was born and came home. I would get up each morning and feed and dress Sam,our two year old daughter. Then we would go up to the hospital where Sheila was and visit her. We would go to the Neo-Natal Unit and the nurses would teach me how to feed and change this tiny baby that was even to small for preemie diapers. I learned how to roll them twice so they didn't hang on Shannon. The nursing staff was wonderful and when Shannon was almost seven weeks old, I brought her home with me to live with my parents and Samantha and I. Sheila remained in the hospital for another 4 months.
Our days now were full. I would get up and feed the girls at seven. We would dress and go to the hospital. Shannon was on an apnea monitor for almost one year until her lungs fully developed. We would spend the day with Sheila, eating our meals at the hospital or fast food and then I would take the girls to my sisters house and go to work at three. I would work until midnight and then swing by the hospital to see Sheila, who had by now spent almost a year in the hospital without coming home. I would get home, {My parents house} and feed Shannon. I would sleep from three a.m. to four a.m. and then wake to feed her again. I would sleep from 5 a.m. until 7 a.m. and then we would start our day again. We lived this life on and off for several years to follow.
How many hats did I have to learn to wear? More than I can count but I know this... Sheila had the tougher job when she was home. I found that my job as a foreman was FAR easier than her job as a "stay at home mom." I had to learn to wear the hat of a Chef. Cooking at least 3 meals a day and really, with snacks and goodies, it was so much more. There was the "fashion" hat, making sure the girls looked nice when they went out. There was the "psychiatry" hat that is worn that enables one to talk about girlfriends that hurt them or boyfriends that might be one day.
Talk about life and love and hurts and smiles. There is of course the friendship hat and the scolding hat to be worn when needed. Sheila cleaned the house and
washed clothes and took care of animals and read stories. There was the "teacher" hat when homework came home and needed to be done.
I had to learn to do all of the things so easily taken advantage of. All I had to do before Sheila went into the hospital and became so sick was go to work and come home. The rest was done by a woman that raised 2 beautiful daughters, took care of the home and became a wife, a Beautiful lover, a best friend and a Mom, while being so sick, took care of me and our daughters in more ways than I ever knew.
This is too All moms and dads that are Stay at home parents. I am writing this to Honor you, appreciate you, and hope that maybe... someone who does NOT know all the things a Mom does at home while we work, will see it and take you out for a well deserved dinner and a movie. Might even get a bubble bath out of it. I hope so...

Things I KNOW about "

As you know, I am Bipolar and suffer from Turrets. The Turrets I deal with fairly well. Roll the windows up now and then and I am good to go. But the Lows come out of no-where and sometimes at the strangest times. They infiltrate a great day and take you from a wonderful high to an instant Low. An example of my words here is this event today.
It was a picture perfect day today. The Sun was shining brightly on this 81 degree Sunday. I spent the morning writing and then when the afternoon began, I found myself outside working on a project in my garage. I was in heaven on earth and enjoying everything about the day. I had a friend at the house and she was outside watching me put a new wheel on a Radio Flyer Wagon. We were laughing and talking and my smiles were as wide as the ocean.
As I stepped out into the full sunlight, it hit me. That terrible Low that takes it all away without warning. No chance to think about it or divert it to another dimension in your mind. No time to process where you are going or where the thoughts might better be sent. What was a beautiful day was still beautiful but now... it was the enemy. How dare I sit and enjoy this day and smile so much! How dare I soak up the Suns rays when they should have been shared with a lady that wasn't here any longer. A beautiful lady that I still wondered if I had done everything i could have to keep her here longer on this earth. Fear and guilt rushed in all around me and I began to remember how much she loved the warmth of the Sun. I remembered how she would sit in her wheelchair and soak up the Sun as we laughed and talked.
Tears streamed down my face and I cried for the love of my life. Oh how i wanted her here with me to spend this glorious day with me. I got lower and lower and felt those all to familiar "ticks" that come with my lows. "Damn me anyways" I said aloud, to no one in particular. I felt my stomach fill with rumbles and my body start to shake inside as well as outside. I knew this would be a bad one.
Thoughts of my self worth and the purpose for my being here on earth became stronger. The tears were now heavy and my body was shaking more and more. I tried to think of other things but the Low was set into motion already. No way was I going to beat this one out. The thoughts were racing around so fast that I was not able to catch just One single thought and work it out. Sad thoughts and happy memories collided inside my head and my heart and I missed Sheila so badly and wished she were right there beside me, holding me, saying all the right things to bring me back to earth. The Low gripped me and I wondered if I really served any purpose here now that Sheila was in heaven and no longer needed me to help her.
Then, as suddenly as it started... it stopped. I was looking at the beautiful day and telling her it was wonderful of her and God to shine heavens best on me. I told her I thought we should go fishing and enjoy the rest of the day together. At the lake I smiled and soaked in the Suns rays again. I caught and kept what was going to be dinner later. I thought about tomorrow and decided I would get out early and do more fishing and see what the day brought to me.
On the way home, again without warning or provocation, I was in tears again.Still worn out from the last session at the garage again, my emotions and physical being felt like I had been horse whipped. Nothing to do with Sheila this time at all. I was thinking of my books and my CD. I wondered if they were good at all as they had not hit the #1 best seller list yet and had a long way to go to do so. I chastised myself for thinking myself anything more than some guy that wrote a book or four and someone decided to publish them. I was angry at myself for thinking I was going to ever be more than what I was now. A 49 year old man that was so deeply bipolar that he couldn't even be in an office of people without freaking. I had to be with someone that was my "Safe Place" just to go to the store sometimes. Just in case this "stuff" hit me in the store and I had to get out of there. I was crying and angry and feeling completely disconnected from the entire world around me. I didn't belong here at all. I was a man out of place with the rest of the people that existed around me. I felt exhausted and lost and cursed the disorder and this "stupid" head of mine. Why couldn't I even have a half of a day that wasn't a roller coaster ride.
And then I said silently to myself... "this IS your world, buddy. This is your day and Lows and highs are part of it, everyday." This is how I live every day and what having Lows and Highs sometimes only minutes apart is like. They wear a body down and yet I sleep only 2 to 3 hours a day because my mind NEVER shuts down. As I walked into the house with fish basket in hand, I murmured aloud "This is it Buddy! Welcome to the wonderful world of being Bipolar. Damn, it wears me out." I laughed and smiled at my own self and enjoyed a fabulous meal of fresh fish.
What do "I" know about the Lows that come with this disorder? I know they are always there. I know they are worse after a great High. I know they kicked my butt sometimes and leave me to worn out to think. I know that being Too worn out to think is NOT a bad thing sometimes. I know some will read this and think "Wow, he's not right in the head. Some will think this looks like a fiction novel. Believe me, it doesn't get any more REAL than this. I do NOT recommend the ride to anyone! But should you find yourself tossed on to the ride without warning, well it is like the weather. Hold on if you don't like the weather, it will change in a minute.
Welcome to My World. Love me, smile or cry with me, walk away because it is too complex, but never feel sorry or pity me. With this illness comes the biggest heart, the best writing mind and the most numerous blessings from the people that love you.
Always, Darrel