Monday, September 29, 2008

A little more about being Bipolar...

I was asked a question today by a friend and I thought I might answer it here as well. The question concerned my being Bipolar and the mood swings that come with it. She was concerned with how to deal with them. Though she was not bipolar herself, she is married to a man that is. She wanted so badly to help him, be there for him, even understand him a little more, but found it difficult. The biggest issue it seemed for her was the mood swings and how to deal with them. They come and go with such speeds at times that she isn't sure where it is she is supposed to be. Happy or sad.
This is I think a common issue not just with the person that is bipolar but with those that are around them. The mood swings that occur with someone with this disorder are very alike and at the same time very different for anyone with bipolar disorder. Very often it is as confusing for the patient as it is the loved one watching and trying to keep up with the mood swings. Although there are many people that suffer the same as I, I can only speak freely of my own self. I think that you may find though that what I say is similar or exactly what you as the loved one may be dealing with. I go from the very highest of highs, that feeling that the world can not hold me back, that I can do anything and that I WILL be huge and famous, to as low as wondering why I am even here and why I should stay. The highs are so exhilarating and fill me with so much energy that I will move my entire house furniture around and may do this 5 times in a week. I will exhaust every ounce of energy I have, make love over and over and spend as much energy as I can before collapsing. I have the feeling that nothing can make me sad and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. It has all just been in my head. (This is often the times that people that are on meds for their disorder will abandon the pills, thinking surely they do Not need them. A dangerous time for many.} This mood can last from 1 minute to a week or more. Starting projects, one right after another, because i feel I can get them done BUT... the disorder still present and not allowing me to quite finish one before starting another.
In a moment, the time it takes for me to go into the bathroom, pee and come out, I find a LOW! The higher the high was of course the lower the LOW is going to be. Suddenly I am crying without reason. I find myself looking at the projects I started and realizing there is NO WAY I can finish them. Hell, I don't even have the desire to finish them. I want to be alone, go away from people and am irritated easily. Especially if a loved one is trying to help and wants to stay with me to watch over me. The lows often take me to wishing i were dead or feeling i can do nothing in this world but hurt the ones that love me the most. Thinking that the world would for sure be better off without me. Sadness the envelops every inch of my being and causes me to close up and become alienated from the very ones wanting to help.
Stomping away or barely walking, I go to the kitchen for a drink of water or the outdoors wanting to smoke a cigarette. I come out and I am smiling and wanting to joke around. Those around me are just settling in to the sad I have left them with and I am ready to have fun. But because those around me are not even settled on the one mood, I become upset because I can not figure out why they are so sad or confused. For me, it was just a blink of an eye and yet it was really an hour or two or three. Now comes the difficult times for the loved one looking in.
She asked what her reaction should have been and i had only one answer. An answer that is so hard on a loved one. "Go with the flow," I told her. Try and find that happiness that the patient was overwhelmed by again. Try, and I Do know how hard it is, to smile again and go on about the day as if nothing were different. To bring it to the bipolar side of the world. Love them and let them KNOW they are loved. Reach inside of your heart and remember that this is the person you love so deeply. Walk with them through their moments and always let them feel "safe" with you. NOT the safe as if you will beat someone up if they mess with your bipolar love or friend. That "safe" place is the place they feel that no matter how strange their actions are, no matter how badly they may act, alright and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. That will go sooooooo far inside of that bipolar brain. Just don't let them feel as if they are a freak of some sort. They already think that without you telling them.
I know it is hard and in a sense, we only have the disorder to deal with. YOU have the task of trying to ride the roller coater with us. A ride that can leave you feeling so lost and so confused. A place that leaves us, the patient feeling as if we have caused you or another of the people that we hold dear in out hearts pain or sorrow and that is Unforgivable in our eyes and heart. I know it isn't much of an answer, I told her so too. She seemed to think it was the perfect answer. Who knows?
I only know this. That bipolar moment might have been a second long or forever long to you. They come and go so fast at times, I am dizzy from the ups and downs. This is the world of a bipolar. A world that you are in deeper than you may know. But a world that you are our safest place and the the only place we ever feel content, even if just for a moment in time. Hugssss to each and every one of you that deal with a bipolar loved one. God Bless you and "welcome to my world." Always I am, Darrel XXX

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Things I know about Open Honesty...

As I sat here this morning, pulling the blanket over my legs to sheild me from the cold, cold, cold that is sneaking through my window, I thought about all the blogs I have written here. I re-read some and skimmed a few others. I imagined for a minute that it was not myself that had written them, but another person. I was the one looking in from the outside. I read with almost awe at the sheer Honesty that has been written into these blogs. Not at the skill or in a puffed out way but awe that the words flow from the pages in a way that leaves no doubt that the writer has lived each moment he has written down.
I read about my wife and the life we lived together. I cried silently as I remembered many of the things I had written down. I read about the Bipolar and the many ways it has effected my lifes desicions. I saw the words telling of things I had done and places I have been. Some of the writes simple and some at a depth that I wondered how I had written them. And again, as I read it all, well a lot of it, the word Honesty came back to me again. {Honor; honorableness; dignity; propriety; suitableness;decency}I looked at the definition several times. A thought crossed my mind. Was being so open, so honest, so open always the right place to be? Can a person be too open and honest? And if I didn't always finish a story,did that qualify as being "dishonest?" Was there truly such a thing as dishonesty by ommition? I thought about it and went back to see some of my blogs. Did I always tell the entire story?
I thought then of the many people I have the honor and yes, sometimes the Dishonor of meeting on-line. I remember so many that were not who they portrayed themselves to be. Sometimes a terrible disappointment when I would discover who or what they really were. I remember being proud in knowing that should you have chosen to meet me face to face, I would be exactly the person you knew on-line. But perhaps even there, the omission of some faults, a few quirps would come through when you were with me for a day or two. Did I lie? Did I falsify myself by not telling you that sometimes I twitch when feeling nervous or cornered? Was I dishonest when I "forgot" to mention that we would not probably go to a department store because i might freak and I didn't want you to see that part of me? So very honest in every way and yet...
So as I re-read some of the blogs, I wondered if I had told you that though Sheila and I had the most beautiful life, inspite of her illness, did i tell you I had cheated on her. Cheated on a woman that gave me nothing but pure love. Did I mention that we stayed together even after my infidelities and that I loved her with all of my heart, through out it all? Had I told you that the Bipolar often rendered me unable to move from the place i stood in the middle of the grocery aisle? That I cry nearly every night in my sleep?
Honesty I think something you can be without telling the whole story. There are things within each of us that are ours unless or until our hearts are ready to tell them. I search the blogs for stories of my yester-years. Ilook for tales of who i am today and things I do. And I realize that there are things you don't know about me. Things that my heart isn't ready to lay open for you. NOT bad things... I promise I never buried a body, I never robbed a bank nor have I caused physical harm to any others. I don't know if I qualify for the integrity part of honesty. The faithfulness went out when I told you I had cheated.
But... I do hold true to my sincerity in everything I write. I am fair and Lord knows I am straightforward to the point of perhaps a bit too much. Which I think brings me to the place that I originally started looking at my blogs for. A question in my mind. Can you be too open? Is it possible to be so honest it causes people to shy away from you? I have been more open in some sites. Open to the point of where some decided my issues with remembering or my openess concerning where the bipolar takes me at times, were more than they care to know. And they left. So now, with this written and my thoughts open as much as they can be, the question remains unanswered for me.
Honesty...a word to often easily tossed to the side and a word sometimes I fear taken to extremes... Darrel

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Is a new love allowed????

Here is my opening... I shared the most beautiful life any man could have ever dreamed of or deserved with a lady so beautiful. She was my forever lady and my love for all times. I think of the day that I will join her in heaven
But if she is in fact my forever love then am I allowed to love again? To be InLove again? Perhaps not in the same way and certainly not as deeply. I NEVER want to feel that kind of pain and loss and sorrow again in this lifetime. But is it alright if I love someone again? Will it lessen the love I have for My Sheila? Will it take away my dream of one day being with her? Is it saying I have moved on and left her behind???????
These are REAL questions that plague my soul 24/7. I don't want to miss seeing her in heaven where she waits for me. Be kind with your answers, and be honest. She went to heaven 2 1/2 years ago and I still cry for her daily.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Things I know about picking up the pieces...

Memories are sometimes bitter/sweet. A subject I have written about before. Today is not about the bitter/sweet really. I was laying in bed in the very early a.m. The ceiling tiles had been counted more times than I cared to remember. I turned and stared out of my window and looked at the stars. I thought about My Sheila and wondered about times past. Not just about her and our life but about my life as a whole. My childhood, spattered with things that followed me right to the present. Some of them not really so great but none of them bad. I honestly can not recall a bad time in my growing years.
Starting out in Florida, with the ocean and sun and a life with parents that loved me totally. Never was there a doubt about that. Fishing and beaches and more friends than I can count. The moments only shattered now and then by the events that changed me I am sure forever. Things in my mind this morning but not in type this morning. Saved maybe for another time.
Moving to Arizona when I was six. More friends and more"encounters." Still no bad memories. Beautiful weather that gave me my first glimpse of what Autumn was supposed to look like. Laughter and smiles so common there wasn't time to have sad or bad memories. Returning to Florida three years later and making new friends and starting some things all over again. Realizing that each time we moved, I picked up the pieces of my life and carried them with me. Understanding this morning that though they weren't bad memories, they were sad sometimes. Saying goodbye to old friends and meeting new. Each time a brand new experience. Each move bringing with it new events and new experiences. Seeing things from the past when we would return to a place we had lived and wishing I could retrieve them and pick up where I had left off. Friends that had moved on and filled your void with another friend. Moving then to Canada at 12 and once again, starting over. new and beautiful events and scenery. Mountains that surrounded us in the valley we lived in. A fifteen mile drive back into the wilderness, no running water, no electricity...only streams and wood stoves and Coleman Lanterns. Walking out of our front door and looking up at the mountains and trees. The tallest Ponderosa pines and Larch trees I had ever seen. The smells of the wood burning in the cook stove. Elk and Moose walking through our field of 500 acres, unafraid of us. Black bears that roamed sometimes too close to our house, hoping for a meal of piggies or chickens. Streams filled with Rainbow Trout to catch and the water, never seeming to warm up. One family, 5 miles back further than we were, thankful they had daughters. Learning to live a new life and survive a new way.
Moving once again back to the States, to Nebraska and civilization. I guess that's what it was called. Seventeen years old, leaving behind a girl and a lifestyle that had made me older than my 17 years. Too mature to "hang" with the ones my age, too young in years to be wanted by the 30-40 year olds I was accustomed too. Picking up the pieces of almost 18 years of new places, new people and trying to figure out where it was I really belonged. Finding love with a woman twice my age for a time because, well she fit my world.Being told one day that we couldn't share a life together. "The world won't accept it" she said. Confused again at where it was I was supposed to be. Relationship after relationship, never able to stay in one because my life was about moving on to new places, new events. Again, never a bad moment in my life, only sad ones when I said goodbye.
From Nebraska to South Dakota to Texas to Nebraska to Iowa, these were my homes. Finally settling in Iowa for 20+ years, raising two daughters, loving one woman, something very new all in of itself. The wanderer in me promising My Love I would not ask her to move again, at least until our daughters were grown. We had already seen 3 states in 5 years of marriage. No longer having to pick up the pieces from old places, old friends left behind to start over again. Different. But not bad at all.
I laid there this a.m., reliving each place, each life and each Love that I had left behind. I realized that although I had not moved, something huge had occurred in my life 2 and a half years ago that left me trying to pick up the pieces again. Realizing this morning that the ONLY thing I ever really got to take with me was my memories. Anything else was "bio-degradable" by time. I felt the tears. I fought them and called my self an idiot out loud. I told myself I had picked up the pieces of dreams left behind, loves and friendships gone by for 45 years. Why... why is it so hard to pick the pieces up today? Why am I so afraid of moving on when I have made it a lifestyle since I could remember?
Perhaps... maybe this time, the event was BAD, not just sad. The loss of my Love wasn't like moving away. An event I could go back to one day and "look her up." For the first time in my life something was permanent. It couldn't be undone. It could not be revisited as all the other things in my could be.Memories would only bring on more memories. Tears begot more tears and sorrow brought on more sorrow. And now, I am scrambling to pick up the pieces again. Trying to put together a life, a puzzle of sorts, except that one piece is missing now.
My life has been a giant jigsaw puzzle. One of at least 1000 pieces. Everywhere I moved, every friend and every love and event was another piece to put in the puzzle. The puzzle that is a portrait of my life. An absolutely beautiful, life enriched, blessed puzzle that would be a Thomas Kincaid portrait if it were painted. The vibrant colors of more love than a man deserved. The cascading waterfalls of a background of life and friendships. The dark colors of trees that are some memories and the mountains, filling the backdrop of places I have climbed. Can this Puzzle be completed with a piece now missing? Can I pick up the pieces of a shattered life as I have done forever it seems?
What I know about "picking up the pieces" of life is this. There is always something, some part of yesterday that gets left behind. Sometimes, the pieces simply get to numerous to hold all at once...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

things i know about medical and Life Insurance...

Today I am going to write a bit about something way to close and very important.Being on disability and having only Medicare, I understand the need for some sort of medical Insurance to help cover costs of the ever rising cost of Medical treatment. I also watched over the 24 years that Sheila was so sick as million dollar policies were used up and the need for supplement Insurance, not cheap by the way, became a huge issue. We had to get loans from banking companies and loan offices that often cost us very high interest rates. these were to pay off hospitals that had already made 100's of thousands of dollars from Sheila's policy. When the policies ran dry finally and she was uninsurable, then the state began to help her. She took so many pills and the coverage for the pills was frightening. We had to pick up a supplement insurance policy to help cover the cost of her medical supplies. the policy was very expensive but it was a "had to have" for her. The aide we have to help with medicines is poor. There are people that go without and place their lives in great danger because the simply can Not afford the cost of their meds. This should never ever be an issue.
Let's talk about life insurance. A very touchy subject for me and I am sure so many others. I have sent in for life insurance on more times than I care to say. Sheila wanted to get some but she was always told she was uninsurable. When she went to heaven, my daughters and I were hard fast to find a funeral home that would understand our situation. It added a bit of stress to us and though we made it through, it made me think about when the time comes that I am called to heaven. I filled out several of the "you can not be turned down" policy applications and GUESS WHAT!!??? YOU CAN be turned down. I wonder how it is that a person is to try and leave their loved ones in a way that they do not have to come up with moneys they may not have to properly bury you or cremate, whatever is your choice. Insurance company's make millions, probably billions from their clients. I guess I don't really understand them.
I just think that someone needs to come up with a REAL plan for those of us that are "Uninsurable." There has to be a way that someone like me to be sure their families are taken care of when they lose a loved one. Just blowing off steam and talking out loud...

Friday, September 12, 2008

More things I know about seasons of life...

I sit here today, I watch the rain falling down outside. The splashes it makes when it falls into the puddles already made by last nights rain. The sound of it hitting my windowsill and the screen are a little like bacon sizzling in a pan. Leaves once set tight onto their branches now roll down the street as if they are late for an appointment. No rustling sounds as they are soaked by the rain. A calm fills my soul as I watch nature going about it's business, oblivious to my watching eyes. A hot cup of coffee warms me against the chill that sneaks into my window. Through it all, I find myself thinking about the seasons of life again.
In a low that has stayed with me for what seems like weeks now opens my mind to the sadness that sometimes comes with a season ending as another one begins. It is early September. It should be hot and humid and yet, I watch the temps plunge into the high 30's, rush to find room inside for what have been outdoor plants since spring. Check tomatoes closer so I know when to pull the green ones and wrap them in paper to finish their ripening indoors. And I think to myself how much like life this often is.
I think about friends that have come into my life. Close, meaningful friendship with the potential for so much more. Some that simply filled a spot in your heart for a time or that you perhaps filled in theirs. Each one, special and each one different, just as the seasons are. I think about the times, like today, when the season, the weather that it brings seems to be out of it's time. Fall rushing in before it need be, only to bring winter long before we are ready for it. Into our lives often come people that perhaps seem out of time. But they are brought into our lives or us into theirs for a reason. Sometimes, the road we were walking on at the time allowed a door to open for them to come in. Sometimes, we have gone out, even perhaps unconsciously, and sought them out. What we do with the moments in time we are given is how we will face the next season. The next step in a friendship, a relationship. Much like the impending season coming that follows the Autumn coolness, we can choose to breathe in and go forward, knowing that Spring too will follow Winter, or we can sit and mope and worry and wonder. In doing so, don't we risk missing the enjoyment that is Autumn? Will we be so absorbed in the coming season that we miss the smells of the first Autumn Bonfire. Will we sacrifice the fragrance of a fireplace somewhere in the distance? The soft gentle breeze that warms our days and the crisp coolness that causes us to snuggle under a light cover as we sit and watch the evening fall?
People, friends, loves come into our lives like the seasons. Not always as expected, not always when we thought they would. Sometimes they come early or out of no-where. But their gift, their beauty and all that comes with it is still ours to enjoy as long as it is there. To embrace it snuggles and fragrances for as long as the season stays.
A tear finds its way down my cheek as I think of winter waiting so closely in the wake. The teardrop perhaps for winter itself. Maybe it is for the season we fear may end all too soon. Long before we are ready for it to go. More tears, a feeling of alone. But also, a feeling that maybe, just maybe, you opened a door for someone. Thinking now it possible that you DID touch a life or two and gave to them something they thought lost forever. Even...even that They brought to your life a gift that you thought also lost to the winters of time.
Fall is here early, like it or don't. But do not let the thoughts of the next season steal from you what is beautiful today. Embrace it, play with it, laugh and smile as much as you can. It is only here for a time, a blink of an eye sometimes it seems. Let it be yours until it goes away. Who knows, maybe it will be a long, beautiful Autumn... Darrel

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Writer Gazette

There are so many writers, good, talented writers today, trying their best to find a way into the market. It's a tough market and there are literally millions wanting to publish books of every size and genre. Being a published author, I understand the frustrations that come with trying to get read. So when a site is available that can help break down some of the "red tape" and stress that can take away from what a writer does best... writing, I like to turn eyes towards that source.
One of the most helpful sites I have had the pleasure of working through is The Writers Gazette. A site that has been listed in the top sites for Writers Digest for the past 4 years in a row.#3 of The Writer magazine's "25 Best Writer Websites". Krista Barrett has brought together in one place the very best of the marketing industry. She is a one stop place to go for what you are looking for concerning writing. Her innovative means of always keeping the site updated and filled with USEFUL information, had helped to steer many writers on the right road to being published. I use this site as a guide for publishers looking for just exactly what I write. Her listings are always up to date and insightful.
Aids for Writers, Article Listing, Ask WWOW, Books for Writers, Book Reviews
Get a Book Review, Freebies for Writers, Guest Columns, Links for Writers, Message Forum, Writer Statistics are just some of the things you will find at her site.
Some others are {{Writers Manual -
Bobby the Bee Children's Book Series -
Snappy Scenes Photography -
Inside Writers Guide Book Series -}} and many others.
Come with me and have a look at Krista and her site. You will find something there of interest no matter what you are looking for.

Monday, September 8, 2008

CuteWriting... Don't Miss It.

Once in awhile, you run across a blog site that just makes you stop and say WOW!!! You start out thinking maybe you will look for a moment and then move on. You realize, as the phone rings and you must look at the time that you have spent, well, longer than a moment there. You run the things through your mind that you are finding there. And if you are a writer like me, you find yourself glad you stopped in.
I found just such a site today. A site that I call the "Super WalMart" site of blogs. WalMart... You know, the store that you can get everything you need, all under one roof! Well, that my fellow writers and readers is what this site I was introduced to today is. The "Everything you ever wanted to know to write but were afraid you wouldn't find it" site.
CuteWriting has something for all writers. She has placed inside informative links and well written blogs that will guide you through writings little bumps and scratches. From "Your Complete Guide to Typing on QWERTY" to "Publishing Your Short Stories How-to Guide", she gives you avenues and places to go so that your writing experience can be what it really should be. A writing experience.
If you are a writer or you are thing about the idea of being a writer, go have a look. She has something for everyone and I promise you, it won't be a wasted trip. There is more to her blog then just blogging.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

A little bit more about that word... Bipolar.

I sit here tonight, 2 a.m., wishing I could fall to sleep. I fear it will escape me once again and the prospect is both pleasing and tiring to me. Insomnia is no stranger to me. I have know it well for 20+ years. Why I suffer is perhaps for another write. Tonight it is because my mind is too busy pondering things. I am a writer. It is what I do, what I love... my passion. With that being said, I, like a million other writers want to be the best at what I do. I want my readers to always want more of me. What writer doesn't?
But tonight, I don't write about being a writer. I write about the one that writes and carries with him a little more baggage. With my desires and fears of writing, I carry the tag of a Bipolar. You know, that guy that starts 20 projects, but not because he has so much time that he needs 20 projects going. He starts 20 because he doesn't sometimes finish the others. That would be me. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that I have finished so many stories and even have several novels published.
Perhaps you live with it, know someone or... maybe you even are someone that shares this disorder with me. Maybe you know the guy that started 20 projects and 19 of them sit unfinished, scattered from one end of his home to another. Maybe I can shed a bit of light on this for you. It isn't that we didn't intend on finishing them. It isn't that we don't care if we do or don't. But with completion comes the opportunity to be judged. The chance to have someone evaluate what we have done and say "wow, it's great" or "man, you suck." Even simpler, kinder words meant only to help or point out a tiny flaw can send me into a LOW that will take weeks, maybe longer to come out of. Something innocently said that caused me to think on it, much longer than someone else would. Too long some would say.
I saw words tonight that were I suppose meant only to offer an idea to change something. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked it through my head for hours and simply could not shake it. Tears fell like someone had died. The sheer realization of how thinly clad my heart was made me sit and wonder how it is I even function some days. The fear of failing at anything isn't always the failure part. It is the embarrassment that hits my system so hard that I can barely think. Even as i sit and write this, I wonder if I should. Do I paint myself a freak or whiner or do I open eyes for others to see that they are not the only one in the world that does these things, feels this way?
Thinking that I may fail at something that I love or want so badly leaves me questioning everything around me. Things I know to be good for me and yet so afraid I will not be able to give it my all leaves me not following through at all.The things I have lost because I was so busy thinking I would fail that I didn't take the time to step up are too many to count. I only know that I lost them because of my fear of failing. Fear of disappointing someone. This is my life, the way I live each and every moment. This LOW is nothing new to me, but each time, I wonder where it will take me this time. Braver in leaving than in staying.
Tonight , I hurt inside. Tonight or is it this morning... it all runs together for me, I will sit up all night and think on one simple thing that my heart feels. Tonight I will be alone and I must ponder that too. Morning will be here before I know it...


Carrie saw Evel putting his helmet on. She knew she had very little time to slow him down. She had to buy them some time. She was Not leaving without Derek at her side.
"Mr. Knievel, wait!" she shouted. He stopped and removed his helmet.
"Well pretty lady, what are you doing back here? I am getting ready to start my run."
"oh I know that sir. I am with WKLT in Cincinnati, Ohio. I heard about your jump and wanted it on my talk show. You might have heard of me. I have the Carrie Ann show."
"Maybe I have heard that name, I am just not sure. I could give you a quick interview or just some publicity shots if you want. The crowd will wait for me."
"Thank you sir. I really just need some good photos of you and your bike. Then I will film you jumping. Sort of a before and after shoot." Carrie began filming Evel as he posed for her in different ways with his motorcycle.Grammie had been right... he was a Ham. She only hoped he was going to "ham" it up long enough for Derek to get back in time to pass through the rip with them.
He ran like a mad man through the traffic and people. The crowd had doubled and space was not a luxury afforded to him right now. He could hear the sirens of the cops all over town. He wondered if they had found the cop yet. He hadn't meant to hurt the man. He felt terrible about the way things went down.The cop had left him no options. A beat cop spotted him running and Gerek could see him talking on his walkie-talkie. He looked up at Derek for a moment then shook his head in an affirmative way. Derek knew the cop recognized he was the man they were all looking for. Derek began to run faster. The cop was now giving chase and he knew his time was all but gone.
Derek reached the back of the Palace. It was the one place that from where he enter the Palace, he could not be seen by any cop. He slipped inside and ran directly into Carrie, who was busy filming Evel. she dropped the camera when she saw Derek. "Oh thank God you made it back here, Love. We only have minutes left before the jump and we ..."
Derek interrupted Carrie. "Does Grammie have the clock!? Please tell me she does!"
Hey there little lady. You dropped the camera. Are we finished with pictures?"
"Yes, I am sorry sir. I should have said something to..." she felt Derek pull on her sleeve.
"If we are to get where we are going, the time is Now, Carrie. We have got to get to Nina and that clock!"
"Don't forget to get shot of me coming down the ramp on the other side."
"No I won't Mr. Knievel," she called to him as Derek pulled her along with him.
Nina saw them coming and squealed with delight. "There they are Grammie. They are coming this way!!!"
"Yes dear one, I see them." Grammie unfolded the blanket she had the clock wrapped in. She set it on a small table beside the ramp. Derek and Carrie reached them and both hugged Nina. "You haven't much time now. It takes 45 seconds for Mr. Knievel to make the jump. He will rip the Fabric at 35 seconds and 10 seconds for the Fabric to tear down far enough for Nina to reach it. You will take hold of it and drag it with you. No one else will see the Fabric. As soon as you are all through and the Fabric touches the other part, it will be sealed. Now go, he is starting to rev his bike."
Grammie stuck something in Nina's pocket. They each hugged Grammie and then she stepped back away from them. Carrie clutched the clock tight as they stepped as close to the ramp as they dared.
"I love you Nina so much. And I do so love you, My Derek. No matter what happens or what we find on the other side, don't you forget that." Derek kissed her once more just as Evel Knievel was coming up to the top of the ramp. The bike left the ramp and sailed through the air. Suddenly, as if the back of the bike had snagged on something, the front fell forward. The bike and Evel plummeted towards the ground. Nina watched as the Fabric ripped and floated downward towards her. A commotion ensued behind them that caused them all to turn around.
"Stop that man. He is under arrest for assault and breaking and entering!" The cops raced towards them and panic filled their souls. "I will shoot if you don't step away now!" The cop raised his revolver and took aim at Derek.
"Nina, pay attention! Grab the Fabric now!"
"Nina looked at her father and then at the Fabric falling around her. She grabbed the Fabric as Carrie was going through the rip. A huge light shown through where the Fabric had once been whole. Derek took Nina's free hand and as the alarm sound on the clock, Evel Knievel hit the ground and the Fabric came loose from his bike. Bouncing like a rag doll, the last thing he saw before passing out was Nina being pulled into some light by a man.
A shot rang out as the cop fired once at Derek. Derek winced in pain but never lost his grip on Nina. They fell the air until they hit solid ground. Nina layed on her back, watching the Fabric reseal itself. The sounds of the people screaming in the Palace were now gone. The familiarity of her home, the warmth, the smells all flooded her senses.
"We are home again. Daddy, Mommy... we made it back." Nina looked around and saw her father, laying in his own blood on the floor. Her mother was just standing up as Nina called out to him. "Daddy, daddy... talk to me please. Tell me you are alright. Oh God, please."
Carrie Ann rushed over to him and lifted his head onto her lap. "Derek, baby, talk to me please. Don't you dare die now on us. We made it back before I had fallen. Please..."
Derek stirred in her arms. He opened his eyes and smile a faint smile. I do not recommend the Caesar's Palace. They have crazy cops that shoot people."
"Are you hurt bad, Daddy?" Nina hugged him tightly.
"No baby, just a flesh wound. Daddy will be alright. I love you both so much. Never again am I losing either of you.
Nina felt something in her pocket. She reached in and took out a piece of paper. She opened it and as she read it, she began to softly cry.
Dearest ones, always remember me when you hear the clock. I will always remember your beautiful family. We will meet again in your future... But that my dear ones, readers and all................. Is another story. I hope you all enjoyed. Always, Darrel

Friday, September 5, 2008


Derek raced across what was now a full parking lot. People paid him no attention as he jumped over car hoods and slipped down alleys, trying to find the fastest way to the shop. He knew that every single minuted counted now. He had finally found a way to be back with both of his loves and nothing would stop him from making it back in time. He reached the shop and his heart skipped a beat. The door was locked and the lights were all turned off. The sign saying closed still hung in the door. Derek began to pound on the front door. He looked inside to see if there was any movement. Not seeing anyone coming to the door, he began to pound on the glass again, this time with a fury. He had to get that clock and make it back in time to save the only woman he ever loved. One last time he slammed his fists into the door. One time too many, it seemed. Suddenly the glass panel shattered into a million tiny pieces. Derek just froze, his hands still poised in the air, blood trickling slowly from cuts from the shards of glass. Cars slowed down and people called out to the beat cop.
"Hey there is a guy breaking into the Pisk shop!" one man shouted. "Someone get a cop!"
Derek panicked at the sound of the voices all around him. He still had a clock to retrieve. Stepping through the open door, he looked towards the table where the clock had last sat. "Empty!? How in the hell could it be gone!? Surely Grammie would have known we left it here!" He was still talking out loud to himself when he felt a hand grasp his arm.
"You have some explaining to do, young man!" Derek turned and looked into the face of a cop. The man held a revolver in his other hand.
"No, you don't understand! This is my Grammie shop! I forgot something and came back to get it!"
"And dear old Grammie couldn't just have opened the door for you?! Come on, you are going downtown."
A full blown fear gripped Derek suddenly. He didn't know where the clock was. He thought maybe Grammie saw it and was bringing it to them. Even if that were so, she would get to the Palace, only to find him not there. What then? He tried to pull away from the cop.
"Now don't give me any guff, youngster! I will use this gun if I need to. Just come along quietly and we will check out your story. If "Grammie" says you are telling the truth, then you and her can figured out the door."
Derek resisted again. "You don't understand! I have to be somewhere in just a few minutes! Please let me go! I have to find that clock!" Derek could hear sirens in the background. He knew more cops would be there in just a moment. He suddenly went calm.
"There, now that's better. See how easy this is?" The cop loosened his grip a little to reach for his handcuffs. As soon as Derek felt the change, he reached around and slapped the gun from the cops hand. The cop, in a bit of shock at Derek's sudden barrage, stood frozen for a moment. Derek grabbed the opportunity to wrap his strong arms around the cop and drag him into the back room of the shop.
"Where is he Mother!? He should have been back here by now! Evel is going to be jumping very soon!"
"I don't know where he is, Nina! Something must have happened that slowed him down. He will be here. I know your father and he isn't going to let anything stop him from getting back here in time."
A voice called out from behind them. Both turned to see Grammie walking as fast as her legs would allow her too. She was clutching something tight to her chest. "Nina, Carrie Ann, where is Derek?!"
"We thought he was at your shop! Didn't you see him there? He was coming back for the..."
"Clock. Yes I saw it after you all were gone. I grabbed it and hurried over here to you. I did not see Derek anywhere. I heard a bunch of sirens coming from over near my shop. Oh dear, I hope he hasn't got him self into a mess."
"What are we going to do Grammie?! We can't pass through the Fabric and leave him here."
"We have to get you through the Fabric Carrie or none of it will matter."
"I am not leaving without Derek, Grammie! I won't do it!"
Grammie grabbed Carrie by the shoulders. "You listen to me young lady! You have a daughter that needs her mother. That is your first priority right now. If Derek doesn't make it back here in time, I will be here to find a way to send him to you."
"How? How will you do that Grammie?! You know damn well that will be near impossible. Nina is going to pull the rip closed when we pass through it! There will be no way to get back. You said so yourself! Where is he???!!!"
"Mother, stop it, you are scaring me. We have to listen to Grammie so we can save you. We have to do that. Daddy will be here. We still have some time."
"I have an idea that might get us a few more minutes. You need to get backstage with the camera. Find Mr. Knievel and tell him you want to do a quick interview for a television station. He is a ham and begs for the publicity. He will not say no. Keep him busy for as long as you can. Nothing happens until he tears the Fabric so time doesn't matter. When he jumps is not relevant."
"Yes, yes, that will work. You wait here in case Derek comes back. Nina, you stay with Grammie so no one asks too many questions. We will get this done. I am going to have my family back. All of them."
Carrie disappeared behind a huge curtain, the camera poised already on her shoulder.
Derek figured that Grammie must have taken the clock and was bringing it to them. The cop was struggling to get free of his grip. Time was running out for him and for Carrie Ann. He had only one choice and it tore at him to have to do it.
"You leave me no choice! Your buddies are going to be here in a minute or two and I simply can't be taken by them."
Derek grabbed a pipe that was near by and raised it over the cops head. The cops eyes bulged as he looked at the pipe coming towards him. There was no where to hide and he slumped to the floor as the pipe made contact. Derek prayed he had not hit the man too hard.
"How much is this going to change history", he whispered. Derek reached down and felt for a pulse. A sigh of relief flushed out of him as he felt the blood pulsing through the cops neck. Hearing the sirens just outside the shop, Derek tossed the pipe down and ran out the back door. Now it was a true race against time. He prayed silently as he ran that Grammie would be with Carrie and Nina when he got there...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Derek turned towards Carrie's grandmother. He remembered her older but she still had the same smile. She had accepted him long before anyone else in the Pisk family had. When she died, she left the legacy of him being part of a wonderful family.He leaned in and hugged her and introduced Nina.
"We have met before, dear Derek. Nina comes to talk with me when her heart is heavy, though on a different plain. She has wonderful gifts and one day she will help many people. For now, we need to concentrate on getting this young lady of yours back home and living."
"What do we need to do, Grammie?"
"We must mark the clock to the exact time the Mr.Knievel, poor soul, rips the Fabric of time. When that happens, you three must be ready to pass through it and return to your time. You must be holding one another when you pass through or the one that isn't will be left with dear old Grammie forever. That would be a tragedy in that it would sends ripples through the Fabric as far back as John and Sarah."
"I don't understand, Grammie. Why will it effect things so far back?"
"Because my dear Nina, if one of you doesn't return to your time, then either your mother and father will have never met because they will be in different times or you will never come to be. The one that returns will remember this day but anyone left behind will have no recollection of any of this. Simply put, it will not have ever happened in this time line."
"No event, no memory."
"Exactly Derek. So you see how important this is that it happen perfectly. Not that I would mind finishing out my life with one or all of you, but that simply isn't the way it is to be. It would follow back to our ancestors because all time would change. How much, I don't know so let us do this right the first time."
Grammie went to the back of the shop and brought out the clock. It was a beautiful clock that appeared to be as perfect as the day it was made. Looking like a curvaceous woman squatting, it's colors of blue and purple sparkled. Two cherubs adorned the the lower part of the clock. She placed the clock on a table and took out a small key to wind the clock with. The sound of it ticking echoed through the shop. Grammie went to the door and pulled the shade down. She turned the sign over to read closed and returned to the clock.
"This clock will travel with you through the Fabric. Be careful not to damage it or it will drop you in the middle of whatever time you are passing through. When the alarm goes off, you will have one minute to pass through the Fabric rip. Once you are through, the Fabric will seal itself and all will be as it was. Mr. Knievel will do his bounce off the ramp and re break every bone again. Silly man anyways."
"How do we get high enough to pass through the rip, Grammie?"
"The rip will follow the poor man down to the floor. It is on his impact with the ground that the fabric will lose it's grip. That is when you will jump onto the platform and pass through the rip."
"And no one is going to notice three people standing on the platform, suddenly disappearing into the nothingness of space?"
"That is where Nina will become very important. Nina, my dear young lady... you must listen closely to me now."
Nina turned to face Grammie so as not to miss a single word. Fear filled her eyes and Grammie saw it as much as felt it. "You must reach out at the moment you are all through the Fabric and pull it closed behind you. When you do that, the time will be closed and lost forever. No one will remember seeing anything except others gifted as you and I are. That will be all and you will return to the moment before your mother fell. From there, you three will simply pick your lives up anew, as one family."
"I still don't see how anyone is going to let us get that close to the platform."
"You must have faith in Grammie, Derek." She smiled at him gently. Remember, I have already lived this day before. I simply don't know what happens after you pass through the Fabric. You will all dress as cameramen. Evel had a hard time getting people to film his adventures. He welcomed any and all publicity. You will be fine and no one will think it strange you are there. Now we must hurry and set the clock. Time is running out for you. Your camera and clothes are hidden behind a curtain next to the platform. Now go and God be with you all. Perhaps we will see one another again."
They hugged Grammie and thanked her for all she had done. The walk to the Palace was quick and they went in the backdoor of the building.Exactly where she had said they would be were the clothes and cameras.
"Obviously not our time or these would have been gone by now."
"Let's get changed quickly and move towards the platform, Derek. It is only half an hour until show time. Nina, hand me the clock please."
"I don't have the clock, Mother. I thought you or daddy grabbed it."
"Are you kidding me!? We left without the freaking clock!? Oh My God! We only have a little while! No one move! I will run as fast as I can and be back hopefully in time to do this. If I don't make it, get yourselves out of here." Derek hugged Nina and turned to Carrie Ann. He took her in his arms and held her the way she had longed to be held for so long. "I love you forever, Carrie Ann. We are going to be together, I promise you that." Their tears mingled together as Derek pressed his lips to Carrie's. He kissed her long and deep and she felt her knees begin to weaken. His strong arms held her to his body until the kiss was finished. Dizzy from the kiss, she watched as the man she loved ran out the back door and disappeared.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


"We need to go back to our time, Nina. We have to find out what is special about this time. Your mother came here for a reason and we have to..."
"Wait, no. Daddy we can not leave mother here alone! What happens if we can't get back here? "
"We got here this time, so no reason why we can not come back again."
"Don't you understand how you got here Daddy? You haven't crossed the barrier of the Fabric in so many years. I called to you from here but you didn't hear me. I sent a car back to you so that you could get here. The gift will be strengthen in you now that you are here but then..."
"I understand now, Nina. But if we don't know what happened here today, how will we find your mother? And why can't you just call to her or send a car, like you did to me?"
"Mother always covered herself in a cloak so that she was hard to find. I only found her this time because she cut herself while shaving this morning. Her blood left a direct trail to the time she went. Once here though, it is no longer existent in this time. It was a one time good thing."
"Then coming here was a waste of time. We have no way to locate her and she could be any where in Las Vegas."
"No, this is where I came to when I followed her. Caesars Palace has something to do with why she came here. We need to find out what event is happening in there today."
Together they walked through the crowds of people to the front doors. There on the wall beside them was their answer. A huge banner with a motorcyclist on it.
Evel Knievel to perform here tonight. See the greatest motorcycle jump of all time. Watch his death defying leap over the top of our Fountain.
"That's it, Nina. That is why your mother chose this spot. When Knievel jumped the fountain, he crashed. No one saw it but I remember seeing a tiny light at the top of the screen when they showed it on T.V. The light was Knievel tearing the Fabric because of the fire from the bike and the speed he traveled. He never knew why he failed and blamed it on the bike. The truth was that the rip he caused snagged the bike and tried to suck it into whatever time he opened."
"Mother is trying to use a rip that was caused by someone else. If she does that, it won't cause a fire and she won't be caught in this time."
"Yes, but she would need a clock. An alarm clock made special that was very rare... almost non-existent in our time. Somehow, she must have found one and is going to use it to go back in time. It's her only chance to do whatever it is she is trying to do and beat the Fabric."
"Then we need to find where they sell them here. We should be able to find mother there. Daddy, do you love mommy?"
The question was so quick and out of left field. Derek stood and stared at Nina for a moment. He took her by the hand and sat her down on a bench outside the Palace. He took her hands in his and smiled softly at her. "Nina, love was never an issue for your mother and I. The love was and is always there. I think that your mother wanted more for you. She..." A tear ran down his face as he spoke. "She wanted us to be a family."
"We were a family, daddy." Nina's tears made Derek cry even more. Here sat a big man, muscled-toned, a five o'clock shadow of a beard on his face, huge hands that now covered his daughters face, crying for all the world to see. The sadness in his face, the love in his eyes were so evident.
"No baby, we weren't. Not really. I was always working to hard to make us a family. I only realized it after I came home and found the note. It devastated me and I cried for weeks. I waited for you and your mother to come back... you never did. I love your mother with all of my heart. She was always the greatest gift to me. When you came along, everything was perfect in my world. I never saw what my work was doing to our life." Derek pulled Nina to his chest and his teardrops fell into her hair. It felt as if it were raining to her as she soaked his shirt with her own tears.
"Let's go find mother and make this all right,Daddy."
Locating a phone book, they found the only shop that dealt in antique clocks. They hailed a cab that took them to the shop. Derek handed the cabbie a ten spot and they headed for the door. Had he looked back, he would have seen the cabbie scratching his head, looking at the ten dollar bill he had just received. 1984 the date read. The cabbie smiled now. "I got me one of them, what-cha call it's. A misprinted bill. I bet it's worth a small fortune. I won't be driven a Cab no more. I'll be hailing one!" he said out loud as he drove away.
The little bell at the top of the door rang as they entered the shop. Turning quickly towards the sound, Carrie Ann found herself face to face with her daughter and her husband. She began to fall to her knees and was caught in the arms of the only man she had ever loved. The three of them hugged one another tightly. Derek took her chin gently into his fingertips. He tilted her head back and kissed her deeply. A kiss that said I will never let you go away again. Carrie returned the kiss in like.
"Hey you too, we need to get moving here. You can kiss later, when we are home safely."
Derek looked down at Nina and smiled. "Let's do what you came here to do Carrie and get back to our own time. You already have me back so let's just go and start fresh now."
Carrie looked at Derek and began to cry again. "We can't go without going back in time."
"Sure we can. I am here now, we are all together. Let's just go!"
"Derek listen to me! This is only an essence of me here. Part of me is still back there in our apartment. I slipped down our steps and fell. Nina didn't find me, she only found the plans for me to try and fabric again. Part of me is laying on the floor, dieing. If I don't do this, I will die there. Please help me, my love. Don't let me die now that I have found you again."
Derek held her close to him and cried. He would not lose her ever again.
"Let's do this, Carrie Ann. Let's save your life!"

Monday, September 1, 2008


The year is 1812. It was a time of fighting and deception but also a time that witches still cast fears into the hearts of even the most wise of scholars. Between 1610 and 1840, it is estimated that over 26,000 accused witches were burned at the stake. Starting in Europe, the execution of witches quickly spread to the Americas. Pennsylvania and Massachusetts were prominent places for witch hunts and executions. In a small village in the state of Ohio, still a young state, having only been named a state in 1803, a family moved onto a farm outside of town. They were quiet and kept to themselves. John Sewald and his wife Sarah schooled their four children at home, though the townsfolk had asked them repeatedly to join their communities school. The children, thought to be peculiar by most of the town, stayed to themselves, seldom venturing in to the towns streets. Speculation as to where the family came from grew to town gossip. Lady folk, taking preserves and goods to the family swore to have witnessed the children dancing in horrible and often erotic ways in the wooded area that surrounded the farm. Carcasses drug home by family dogs of chickens and squabs hastily added to the gossip.
"They came here from Salem," some would whisper. "Oh, they are witches alright! I have seen them make things fly through the air," others would say. It wasn't long before panic began to envelop the town. Men talked in private of burning and hangings. Women grabbed their children up when John or Sarah came to town, for fear the "witches" would eat their children. John and Sarah became increasingly uneasy and decided they would leave and find a new place to live.
"We can not, being of God fearing people, allow these creatures of Hades to go to another place and cause harm!" The screech's of Lucas Beard was heard through out the community. "We must go to them and end their legacy, lest it become a part of our own State."
"But what of the children?" asked Lauren Pisk, a stately woman left with riches beyond a mans dreams by her late husband. "They are but innocents in their parents teachings. Surely they are young enough that our church can exorcise the spirits from them. We must save the children, at least!"
"No woman! They are inheritances of their families disease. They will spread it like wildfire throughout the State. They must die with their family, so say I! Those in favor, say Aye." The echos of his words resound through out the town. Lauren Pisk was cast aside as the men made a plan to execute the "witches." "Should you come betwixt this casting out of these demon people, I shall have you hanged myself, woman!" Those were the last words that Lauren Pisk was to ever hear from the men of this tiny village in Ohio.
Lauren took her horse and carriage and in the still of the night, on March 21st, 1812,went out to the Sewald farm. She explained to the parents what was to happen that night. "I can not secure all of you. We would surely be found and all would die. I came to rescue the children that they might live. You must find ways to hold the men down until we are far from here. There is no time to settle and think. If you love your children, then you must do this for them."
There was no question as to John nor Sarah's answer. The children held hands and began to chant as one. A light in the forest shone through and the carriage and Lauren Pisk and the heirs to the Sewald estate disappeared into light. Shortly after midnight, 30 men rained down on the Sewald farm. Knives and torches and ropes filled their hands. John fought them off as best he could, taking to the grave four of the towns men. He was taken down and tied to a rotting tree outside the house as Sarah watched in horror, afraid to come out of the hollow she had hidden in. The tree was set afire and Johns screams could be heard into the village square. People of the village closed their windows to shield their own children's ears from the horrible sounds. The men searching for Sarah and the children, found Sarah hidden in the hole of a tree stump. She never left the stump, but burned to death where she had sought refuge. All through the night they searched for the children. In the mornings light, they saw the wagon marks that led from the farm and suddenly vanished. All of them knew who had taken the children.
"Shall we give chase and kill them all, Lucas!?"
Lucas stared at the tracks leading away from the farm. His face contorted in anger, he turned towards the men. "Nay, I say let the wretched woman and the demons find another village to destroy. She shall pay by god's own hand one day. We are finished here!"

In a town far from the village, one year later, four children and their savior sat near a bridge on the East side of their property. Each held a candle and a knife in their hand. They were surrounded by baby dolls just outside of their ring. A safe place for the dolls. Lauren Pisk began the chant and one by one the children chimed in until the sound echoed through the forest around them. Though there is no records of why it happened, in a small village, somewhere in Ohio doors began to lock themselves, trapping men and women alike inside their homes and their barns. The buildings were struck by freak lightening some say. The only fact known was that all the men and women of the village burned to death that day. Only the children were saved as the fires happened when all were out to play. Lucas Beard screamed out the names of John and Sarah Sewald with his last breath.
The Sewald children grew to be prominent members of their community. No one ever questioned where they came from as their "mother" told them of the tragic story of how their father was lost in a fire and she, their "mother" brought them here to raise. Their legacy to move evolved into the magic of time movement, though to disturb the Fabric would cause a "fire" that could send time into a tailspin.
Born to Lauren Pisk were children from her second husband. The ancestors of one Carrie Ann Pisk. Johnathon Sewald Jr. raised his family in the rights of his mother and father. When Carrie Ann Pisk met Derek Sewald, she knew from the moment she saw him, they were going to be married. And after centuries of silence, the Sewald legacy would be reborn again in full strength. And they named the rebirth Nina.

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