Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Today is not unlike most other days for me. It started early, though not as early as most. I did the unheard of and slept in a little. Sometimes that only seems to bring on the morning "bipolars" it seems. As I said, it isn't really much unlike any other morning. But there was a little carry over from last night for me today. I fell asleep thinking about life and my daughters. I wondered if they were happy. I wondered if they felt like life was good to them or if they wished things were different. As I thought of this, emotions, as per normal took me over. I began to think of them as if they might not be totally happy with life as it is. I wondered how much my actions in their lives had effected this. Being empathic sometimes has side effects of it's own. To feel someones sadness is not for sure a great gift. Not always. And then you take Bipolar and toss it into the mix and you have got a recipe for disaster.
Today, I think back to my life and theirs. Certainly actions I took effected them and I wonder if they have caused them to look at life or perhaps approach life differently, more cautiously. Hurting their mother by leaving because I had lost touch with what was real had to have effected them. Leaving but never really going must have left them confused as to what was supposed to be and what was. Watching their father slowly drift into a new world, a different place and even yes, a different man must have left them wondering a lot. I lived in a made up world and yet the people were very real. The things I did that effected them, the decisions I made not only changed me for ever, they changed their lives forever also. Their cautiousness in approaching a relationship is part of it.
Not all of it was bad. I see strengths in them that perhaps were always there but were brought to the surface by things I did. This morning... I feel it all. Easily brought to emotions, sadness, thinking I have upset someone when maybe I didn't. fear that whatever I do today will have an adverse effect on those I love. So long this Low has carried on and I have tried to rise above it and yet, it seems to have me in it's grip tight.
Signs of the depression hanging on are so evident. Things that perhaps others of you or a loved one are going through and wonder what it is. Abstract thoughts. A passion of mine is fishing. Maybe even an obsession. I love it and spend so much time at the lake. But not this year. I have fished less than a half dozen times and it is way into June. The desire to get out and go are few and far. Gardening. Another Passion of mine. Having to force myself out to weed or just to smile at the plants as they grow and produce. Singing, writing... all the things I love, sitting idle as I try my best to get past this low. A low that I fear is slowly winning.
And so, I worry. I worry and cause anxieties to rise and wonder when it will all settle in to what ever is normal for me. Hearts I have hurt never did anything to me to be hurt. Losses that can not be measured nor forgotten. Not forgetting of course meaning they resurface and resurface over and over again. Sitting quietly in the dark, wondering how some are and trying to make some sense of the losses I have felt, most caused by my own hand. Wondering deep inside, if anyone really knows the hurt and pain I live with daily. How losing touch with someone is the same to me as losing touch with life. It leaves me strangely confused and tired inside.
I really do wonder what peoples lives would have been like, could have been if I had never existed...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things I Learned About Bipolar Today.

Bipolar. Not a word that I nor my readers are unfamiliar with seeing here in my blog. I talk of it freely here and never give it another thought. So why am I writing again?
Something happened today that both shocked and confused me. I was in Poker on line and a terrible Low set in from no-where. There was no warning, as is usually the case but there was something more this time. As the Low took over my thoughts and actions, the mood apparently became noticeable to those that were at the same table as me. I found myself "off" somewhere else and had to concentrate very hard to play my cards. I lost over and over again. The anxieties were filling me with emotions and fright. Those that I call friends at the table questioned what was wrong. As I usually do when asked, I began to type the answer. I was telling them what was happening at that very moment. So... what is so different from that and any other day. I tell people almost daily about this disorder I have.
What was different? As I typed to tell them, complete and total embarrassment over took me. I began to cry, though they had no way of knowing that. My fears welled up and I thought to myself that perhaps they would do as so many do... shun me. I merely told them that I had a little disorder that flares up and makes me sad now and then. They were kind and I was thankful for their kindness. One said very little at all. So totally embarrassed that I had told them anything, I found myself not even knowing what cards I was playing. Losing terribly, I found myself wishing I could hide my issues from them. I did not tell them it was Bipolar and I did not say I have Turret's either. I was amazed at the embarrassment that settled inside of me. God, how I wanted them NOT to see me this. I was never so happy there was a screen between us. This disorder has so many sides to it. There are things that after so many, many years of living with Bipolar and all that comes with it, still take me by surprise. This was one of them. I lost control of myself and of my emotions. I was vulnerable and crying so hard. Still trying to work through this one, I am not sure where it will take me today. Already I am feeling all the effects of this damned disorder. My day is shot and doubts about things like love and friends and who I am. God, I hate this disorder.
To those in Poker that follow my blog, I say I am so sorry. I tell you here what I could not at the table. I will spend my day and evening pondering all of this. I will pray you don't but my "bipolar" mind tells me you WILL look at me differently when you see me again. I can not control the Lows nor the "highs." they come and go as they please.
Embarrassed... Hmmm. I didn't know this until today at that Poker Table that it embarrassed me to talk about it. I so want to be like everyone else but sadly, I Am not. Welcome to My World. A world of confusion and uncertainties. A world few would survive in and even fewer want to see.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for taking time out to read this.
Always I am, Simply Darrel.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Depression: not just for the mind.

Depression is an issue that does not just alter your mind-set. Depression can effect your health and truly, your ability to think things out in a safe manner. In every life, sometime or another, people feel down or as if nothing is going right. That is something that just comes with life. For some, they deal, they move on and live their life with no real issues. If life comes against them, they simply find a way to get around it and carry on.
This is Not the case for someone that suffers from Chronic or Manic Depression. It is also known as Bipolar Syndrome and it's effects are far from mild or "dealt with." I could just insert link after link but that wouldn't really show you any more than you could find yourself. Sometimes, direct from a person that knows the disorder intimately is a better way to learn. Some of the effects that Manic depression can manifest can not simply be harmful... they can be deadly. The way the mind can go from total chaos to almost shut down in 30 seconds also brings on other health conditions besides the terrible depression.
Insomnia doesn't simply deprive you of a restful sleep. It eats away at your ability to think or make decisions. It wears the body down to the point that you become susceptible to all manner of illnesses from the common cold to the flu to heart disease. There are so many "side effects" from Manic Depression and all of them can cause a great amount of damage to ones body and mind. When a person is in a severe depression, sometimes it is beyond friends and families ability to find a way to bring them out. There are times when medication and therapy are a very needed addition to the love and concern that is given by those that love a Manic/Bipolar person. And sadly, in one out of 20 cases, nothing works in time.
I write this today because I know all to well the effects that bipolar and terrible depression can have on a person. To cause ones self to shut off from the outside world unless they have no choice than to interact is a harsh effect. Loves and Lives are lost to this illness and a lot of the time, the fact that people do not accept it or try and acknowledge it's potential to literally destroy a person is a huge cause of such things. My body knows the harsh reality of depression and it's effects. Every time I have an anxiety attack or find my self awake for days at a time, I know and feel it's burn.
To lose touch with someone you love because your mind simply can not find a way to explain why you are away is very hard to face. To want so badly to speak with a loved one, but find that you can not tears at the very soul of a person. there are things I have lost to this disorder that I can never ever recover. There are people and desires and needs that are left to simply fade because of the fact that one can not find a way to give all of themselves. It is embarrassing and frightening for the one suffering to have to talk to a friend or loved one about how they feel inside. Fear of rejection. Fear of being mocked or scoffed is enough to close the inflicted off from the rest of the world.
Yes... we are high maintenance. Yes, we are nearly impossible to live with at times. And yes, sometimes it appears that we take more than we give back. The truth is, we give back as much as we can and that is sometimes more than we wish too. But because we love someone and fear them going away, we reach out into what for us is a scary place. We reach out into the unknown and unsecured regions of the safe zones for us. But... the love you get back will never be truer nor ever be more intense from another. It is everything we have and that makes it so very much.
I want those of you who know me to know this... I have not faded because I do not care nor because I do not hold you dear in my heart. Life happens sometimes and when a low hits, there is little to be done but ride the wave and roller-coaster and pray that you are still intact when it finally settles. I am sorry for being away so long and sorry that my mind doesn't always allow me to explain myself. If you have chosen to leave me behind, then my heart will always understand. If you choose to love me as i am and understand that myself, and a million others just like me wish we could be like you. Walking through life the way we do is not something that ANYONE would ever enjoy, not even us. But as someone I have cherished and loved in my heart for a very long time said to me... "It is what it is."
Should you look for me to be all sad and down and crying 24/7? On the contrary. My Highs are bigger than anything you have ever seen. My smiles and my belief that I CAN conquer the world, that I CAN save all those that are sad or without love are as huge as My lows are deep and dark. I will win this battle as I have a great support team in my life and heart. And I have the greatest of all looking out for me from heaven. I have been and am More blessed than any man on this earth deserves to be. I know that.
This is my world and i know it isn't always understood. I am sorry for that. It does not mean I care less or think of you all less. It simply means "Life 1, Darrel 0 right now. Remember, depression isn't just about the mind. It is about the body and soul also. It's destructive nature knows no boundaries nor prejudices. It effects anyone and is not shy about doing so. Love us, pray for us and try to understand... we do our best to show you our love and friendship. Depression... it IS a thing I know about... Always, Darrel

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