Sunday, July 25, 2010

To be embarrassed or Not to be... Bipolar, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I continue writing about Bipolar and it's effects because I noticed something in the responses from my readers. It was the same in almost all of the comments and showed me there is still an issue with being Bipolar. So many readers responded with thanks for being Open about my disorder. I had to sit and think back to when I realized there was truly a problem for me. It has been a long time and my memory struggled to bring back that time for me. Or perhaps, it was more of ME that didn't want to remember back Then. Was I embarrassed? Did I not want to tell anyone? Was it a "dirty little secret" that I wanted to keep all to myself?
 We need to have a look at what the medical field calls the Medical cause of Bipolar.   {{Bipolar disorder is frequently inherited, with genetic factors accounting for approximately 80 per cent of the cause of the condition.}} Chemical issues in the brain also are believed to be a cause of some becoming Bipolar. reading more makes me think about whether we have any cause to be embarrassed that we are Bipolar. It says that not only is sometimes handed down to us but that also, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. These two things alone show me that it is not our choice to be the way we are. As was said in my blog comments, NO ONE asks to be this way. So then, are we to be embarrassed by the fact that we are bipolar? If we stay embarrassed, nothing gets passed on to others that may need to know they are not alone.  The people that love us can not learn what is the best way to live with us or to deal with us when we are going through a "mood swing."
 Can I say that I am never embarrassed at the fact that I am Bipolar?  I can Not... times when I shake or twitch at the wrong time. Freaking out over seeing a bunch of sheep or having to turn away from a commercial that has that Damn Burger King, king in it. Finding it impossible not to Baa like a sheep when i see one and making the sound inside my head when people are close enough to hear, bursting inside for having to hold it inside. Of course I am embarrassed by these things. I have tourettes along with the Bipolar. The out-bursts are totally embarrassing, BUT...if i didn't talk about it to my loved ones, didn't tell You, my readers that I do the same things You do, then how would we each know that we do Not suffer alone???
 I hate being what i am. I am at the same time, scared to death of whom I might be if it was gone.  There is sadly, a comfort ability in being what I am. It is a place, a world I have settled into and live with as best as I can, each and every single day. I search for ways to lessen the harsh reality of what i have. I write... i am a writer. A published author who also has a CD out of 13 of my own songs. I am talented in so many ways.  I am nothing! I fail where I so wanted to succeed. I hurt people's hearts because of how i am. I become lost in a world of darkness that lures me to the side of a cliff. Without my writing, I would be completely lost.
 The reality of it all is this. You Will have family and loved ones that do Not accept that what you have nor your "issues" are anything that you can not just "get over." You Will have people that turn the other way when you try to talk to them about your disorder. Some because they think it is not real and others because they do not know how to deal with it nor what to say to you. the truth of it all is also that you will feel very alone and "disconnected" from the rest of the world, more times than i care to say. Life is a constant battle and happiness is a fleeting moment that says The higher your high, the bigger the smiles, the lower the Low that follows will be. And one more truth... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember that, please. Some where out there is someone just like you. And somewhere out there is someone that Will love you exactly the way you are. Never stop believing. We live in a world of thoughts that are so fast we can not grab even one to fix it. But, we Live. That is what really matters.
 I hope this helps some of you and gives you a comfort zone to reach out to loved ones and tell them what is happening in your world. If you do not, they will assume that they have done something wrong. Do not let them carry a burden that does not belong to them. We are what we are and we must choose to face it and live it, or be out cast forever.  

Friday, July 16, 2010

Anger... Just another piece of an abstract puzzle

Oh yea... and there is that other part... I forget sometimes that there are more sides to bipolar and depression than simply not caring. I am by nature a very gentle man. I can be spurred to anger but mostly, I would rather walk away and let time settle a confrontation than look it in the eye. Mainly because I know that anger will rise and I hate that. But then, today I found myself allowing or at least acknowledging that there is a side that gets angry. Anger at myself for the way I am. Angry at the people around me because they are around me. Knowing I would be angry if they were NOT around me. Crazy? Mixed up? Sounding a little "oxy-moronic???? Well, that would be my frame of mind.
 But my thought at this moment is the fact that I do Not anger often and when the sadness has taken me this far, it begins to feed on its own self. The fact I AM angry at those I love for no reason truly upsets me. I have no way to explain it nor to shove it out of the way. I tell them I am in a low and the are loving and understanding. I should not want for more than that and yet... here I sit wishing it were all different. Wondering why I need to be this way. Trying so hard to pull out of this Low ad yet at the same time, feeling comfortable in it. Ahhhh, nothing quite like abstract to leave you spinning and twisting, trying to find a place to sit down for a moment. I believe I may hate the anger part of this the most. It is so out of character and I want so badly to be happy.
 Tears of sadness and anger at myself cause me to want to find a place and just hide away from the world.  Sometimes I think the most insane part of it all is knowing the insanity that runs through my head is the most content place for me. I am more comfortable sometimes when life is so busy and so insane that I can't tell if i want to smile or laugh or cry. At least then, I am not angry at even the way the air is blowing through the window. Poor air...  as if it did anything wrong. But then again, neither has anyone else that must feel the sting of my sharp tongue or feel the heat of my anger on their eardrums, for no apparent reason at all. Shame the hell on ME! The only crime they have committed is loving me. And thank God they do!!!!!!!!
 Oh Lord, let this one pass soon. The next step isn't any prettier. In Fact, it can only do one of two things. get better or, get a Lot worse. This one has lasted too long and the dark places it takes me are places No One wants to go. Trust me! And so, anger with no reason to be here nor any rhyme or reason is SOOOO here. Let's be thankful that I am not in any way a violent man. This anger will be turned on ME, not any one else. And I will deal with it my own way.  

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A silent killer... Depression and Bipolar.

Being Bipolar, I often wonder how much of the depression I suffer from is caused by the disorder and how much would be there if I was not bipolar. I often think of this disorder as a "silent Killer." Perhaps that seems a little much or ridiculous to some but for those out there that suffer from it daily, hourly, even sometimes by the minute, I think there is an understanding in my words.Sometimes things you can see or feel being on the cycle of depression and thoughts that are at times too dark to even describe. There are also the times that we could NOT slow a thought or the millions of thoughts that race around in our head, long enough to even decipher which thought it was that brought on the darkness. There is only the knowledge that it exists and that it can and will take you down long roads of sadness.
 I don't cry where someone can see me so there must b no issues, right? The desire, almost more of a need to find a place to be alone becomes so strong. {You don't want to be around your loved ones???????/} Wow, you must not like them very much.   {You just snapped at someone you love for no reason...} Wow, you must be in a bad mood. {You were just seen smiling and laughing so hard.} There can not be a whole lot wrong with you...Get Over IT!!!!  These are just a few of the things I hear and some from friends or relatives. And of course "It is just in your head. You don't have to be this way!" REALLY...? I can not imagine myself nor anyone else ever, ever wanting nor asking to be "this way."
 I cry in secret so I don't have to hear "What is wrong with you???" I can not answer the question and to stand and stare at whom ever is asking makes me feel like an idiot. And so, life goes on all around me, people very often oblivious to the pain and sadness that is taking over my thoughts. I want to cry and I want to be alone and I can NOT do anything to change it.  I DO love those that watch over me and love me. I can smile outside and cry inside at the same time. What you do not see does not aways mean it is not there.  I try to think of what has caused THIS one to come to the surface but there simply is Not a reason. Again, it is simply there and now I must try and ride this one out and ope the end finds me still able to do the things my family needs me to do daily.
 I think perhaps, the that keeps some of the depression just below the surface is the knowing that there are those I love dearly that do not think there is anything wrong with me. They believe I can rise above it all with a simple thought. they are sure that my issues are no greater than anyone elses and that may in fact be true. But it doesn't mean i am weak or just not willing to move on. Some with the exact same disorder do move on and do live a normal life. I am very happy for them but please don't think that we always share the sadness or ability to face the things that have brought us to this place. Each person is different in some ways. Each of us share different reasons for feeling worthless or that we give nothing to this world that the world would not do fine without.
 I wonder what my existence actually adds to the world. Have  really given anything to anyone that they could not have gotten from someone, anyone else? Read this and feel my sorrow and fear that I will one day lose all that is precious to me. See the darkness that envelopes me now and fills me with doubt about everything and then tell me why ANYONE would pretend to have this or ever WANT to be this way. I only wonder how long this one will go on and if I am strong enough to walk through it all. I guess only time will tell for me. And remember please, what you do not see may in fact really exist. I have learned over the decades of suffering how NOT to let people see me in my darkest moments. Only those that are near me every day know and not always then either. That is why I call this the "Silent Killer."  Hang on tight... this is going to be a bumpy ride...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

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