Thursday, December 9, 2010

And so... I write.

Morning comes to us whether we wish it to or not. Waking, standing and starting my day at 5 a.m., many say, "any day I wake is a good day." I wonder. For many, starting the day is as simple as dressing and going to work. For some, it is the beginning of thoughts that plagued you in your sleep. The reminder that you have unfinished business from the yesterdays that have already past. Business that is really about trying to settle your thoughts. The attempt, no matter how feeble, to find a way to face the guilt that has been a part of your anxieties for days.
 For those of you that have grown children, I think you will understand. I am a father and proudly, I am a Grand-father for the first time. The love I feel for the newest addition to the family is bigger than I could have imagined. A gift from God that I cherish each and every day. Another blessing in a long line of heaven sent blessings that my life has been so beautifully graced by.
 But... there is so much more to this. I mentioned guilt. Guilt that over-powers me and takes me where I wish not to be. Bipolar? Mind issues? Perhaps... or maybe as normal as any other parent reading this. I love to see my daughter and thank God daily that she is so close to me. A few blocks and she is here at the house. But what of the days that I would rather just be alone? Not so much a fact of not wanting to see her. More, the need to have time to sit alone and do my writing or what-ever else I may choose to do. Wrong and selfish to want that? Ahhh, that is the question I do not know how to answer. The very core of my anxieties this day and sleeplessness last night.
 I thought of her and Baby Robert, alone all day as I sat here, quite able to go and bring her over to my home. But I did not. I sat here and the guilt stormed my senses and left me unable to do most anything. Should a parent truly Not want to see his child and grand-child? Is that wrong or is it normal? I carry that question through-out my day and tears  stream down my face. I know of millions that would give anything for the chance to see their loved ones every single day. And yet, I chose not to do that. For what, alone time? I am over-come with wondering. Where does a parent that opts not to see his kids and grand-kids fit in? Am I selfish in this act? Should I chastise myself and make sure I don't do it again?
 My love for my children is full and never ending. My need for time alone is strong and sometimes endless. My guilt is always. This is my life and the thoughts race past me to fast to stop one. And so... I write. The out that purges so much when we are able to place our thoughts in writing. The sasatisfaction that at least Once today, I have sat and stopped my world long enough to write. I do not want to bring my daughter here based on guilt. I want to See her because she is loved. Step into my world for a moment and see why I become so lost in thoughts. My little Bipolar brain crying for the loneliness she had to endure because "I" wanted to be alone. A guilt that will need to be settled in my own way. But that, is another write all in and of it's self.   

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