Sunday, March 29, 2009

Space... the ever so sought after need.

"Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Star ship, Enterprise. It's 5 year mission, To explore strange new worlds,To seek out new life and new civilizations... To boldly go where no man has gone before!" William Shatner spoke these words in the opening moments of each Star Trek show and movie. He is famous for those few words spoken with such command. The words pop into my little Bipolar head more than I care to admit.But I take them and put my own twist on them as many have done before me. They have meaning for me that is not so unlike the words meant for "outer-space." Space. The distance from other people or things that a person needs in order to remain comfortable. Perfectly describe.
This is the space I write about today. I hear Shatners words and think "wow, if you only knew." {{Space, the ever so sought after need. These are the journeys of Darrel Day. His life long ambition: To explore strange New worlds, because his is sometimes to frightening. To seek out new lives that he can talk to, help, reach out to and care for. New civilizations: Worlds new to me that fulfill a desire to know something about everything. "Boldly" going where no man... well at least {few} men or women have gone before." That "space" being the "The distance from other people or things that a person needs in order to remain comfortable."
It is a place I so desperately need. Not just Desire but truly need. Like Captain James T. Kirk, to see a world of vast emptiness to run around like a kid in. To not have sounds and confrontations or people questioning some of your actions. It is an aching need that my body and soul feel and it has a knowing with it. A knowing that I will re-act to the feeling of "closed in" if I do not soon find that "Space." There isn't really a need to be bipolar to feel this but if you take how you feel when you need that "space" then quadrupole it, you may indeed find the place that I am and have been for some time now. The bipolar brain feels crowded even in an empty room sometimes. I am sure many of you reading this Can relate to these words. Just as we can feel very Alone in that same room, wall to wall with people.
The desire to go away and hibernate for a while is so strong at times. The knowledge, whether it is just in my head or reality, that the only way to avoid hurting someone I love so deeply, is to keep clear of them. For someone to come into direct contact with me, is opening them selves up for hurt. Some-where inside, I know this isn't true but my head says differently. And truly, that is all that matters because I Believe! Space away from anyone that knows me and can judge or comment on concern of where I am mentally or otherwise. To talk with people about anything and do so without them thinking in their heads "I know you and I know the things you do. Why would I take advice from someone that can not even keep his own life in check."
"Space." It IS the final frontier. A place where someone can escape the world they live in and step into a "New" world! A world that is filled with new life and new civilizations. Boldly going there because there is no "Baggage" waiting to be picked up or checked in. A billion miles of emptiness, waiting to be filled with memories, love, care-giving and silence. A silence so deep you can Feel it. This Space, so sought after, is very often nearly impossible to find..................

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Getting over Versus Moving on...

Getting over versus Moving on? Are they the same? I have pondered this for some time now. Today, 3 years and 17 days after Sheila went to heaven, I still find myself going to a secret place and crying for her. I still see things that personified her and my heart aches. I look around and see how life has gone on for me. Not in a bad way either. I am surrounded by those that love me and care for me. Family has been supportive to the points they felt they could be. I am not alone and enjoy life as much as my body will allow me too.
The question beats at My head and heart and it asks me... have I gotten over her death or have I simply moved on? Everyone has ways of mourning and ways of saying "see you later in heaven" to their loved one that has gone on before them. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal as long as it is respectful. I do not believe that there is a time limit, a determined length of time mourning when suddenly someone says "hey, your time is up and now you are bordering on the not so normal." I do know there are people who DO believe there is a time frame. A point when you now need to "seek counseling." I think about that too, just like others.
After over 3 years, is it normal for a spouse to still cry in the night for his lost love? Have they crossed some imaginary line now and need to be done with mourning? Have they been given enough time to sort out the "God, I should have said...", "Oh I wish I would have done ...", "God, did she know how much I truly did love her?" Should a man still shudder inside at the thought of some of her things NOT being on the walls or on cabinet shelves? So many questions and really, no answers.
But then I look at myself and see my heart opened up and accepting love from someone other than her. I feel my heart loving and giving of myself and I wonder what it means. And it scares me. Am I moving on or am I getting over her? To move on I think is a journey in life we must do. If not, we will simply shrivel up and die, if not physically, mentally and emotionally for certain. But have we truly "moved on" if we are not "over" the loss? Would we still cry our hearts out at the memory of our loved one if we have gone forward?
Yesterday, a meadowlark flew directly in front of my vehicle. The meadowlark was her favorite bird and it's cry as I drove down the road would always make me say aloud, "Hi baby." I saw the bird, heard it's cry and then, I cried. I said to myself "Why did you go away? Did I do something to make you feel it was o.k. to go when you did? Did I love you enough, tell you enough, SHOW you with all that I was that I still was so very In Love with you?"
Those that feel I was no longer In Love with her because i had lost my way and broke down, I guess that is for them to sort out. I would go further insane if i tried any longer to convince those that do not believe that my Love for her never diminished. SO I will no longer try. Words that echo in my mind, actions that spoke louder than any words validate my love for her. Hearing her say to me each day, "hey good lookin'" or the kiss we shared each night before bed and each morning as we woke speaks volume to my ears and my heart. When I close my eyes, I still feel the warmth of her tiny hands on my face. When I am walking alone, I still hear her laughter and remember what a beautiful love we shared. A love rare and enchanting, though not always a fairytale.
Getting over or moving on??? I think that to get over is the same as "forgetting." To move on, you can bring with you some of the yester-years and gently fold them into your today's and tomorrows. Mix them tenderly so that they meld in like melting chocolate, smooth and delicious. Your life with that beautiful someone that has left you with a legacy of memories and the smiles and trials and new memories you will add every day for the rest of your life. That is I think how it was meant to be. That is how I believe life "moves on." A love that had no beginning because it simply always was and the love that has no ending, not until you are one again in Heaven.
I wonder what the world thinks of me. I ponder these things and look for answers...
Always I am .......... Darrel

Monday, March 23, 2009

Time: Our Friend and Foe...

Time. An element that sometimes appears to be longer than life. It also seems to be shorter than we want it to be. It depends on the circumstances and how much time we need. Seems to be short when we need it to last and of course longer than you could ever imagine when you want it to pass quickly. It can be applied to pretty much any part of our lives. I think back to Sheila and how I wanted time to Stand still so I could have one more hour, one more day with her. When she went to heaven, time DID stop for me. I wanted the clock to keep moving, hoping that time itself would heal my heart... take away my sorrow. The shortest time in my life was her last hour. The longest time in my life was also her last hour.
Time: the longest time is waiting to see your therapist. The shortest time is AFTER your time starts. Time:Short is a visit from your daughter who lives 14 hours away. Long is waiting for next year so you can see her again. As I said, time and the speed in which it moves can be applied nearly every-where in our lives.
But for me right now, and the reason I guess I am writing here tonight, is the time between a high and a low. The length of time one lasts versus the other. Being bipolar, time is sometimes measured in seconds. I don't know if it can be broken down any further than that here. My mind thinks of the stop-watch that is shown when down-hill skiers are racing or swimmers are trying to slice a milli-second off of their time. My mind often runs at speeds that seem that fast. Each click of the numbers, a new thought crowding it's way in or an old thought trying desperately to escape from the crowd in my head. There is the fantastic High that is so euphoric and makes me feel like I can finally save the world, save every soul that ever needed a friend or a kind word. The High that I assure you will only last a short time. Filling in it's spot will be the Low that lasts for days or weeks or... seconds.
Time: seconds/~~~ Smiling and laughing as I go to the kitchen for a drink. Returning less than a minute later and feeling as though everything, everyone in my life was going to crumble before me. Barely having time to shake my head, the feeling of dread is gone and being replaced by a feeling everything will be alright. But be certain, the Low WILL come back and perhaps this time, it will settle in for a "while". Time is a friend and foe. We need both ends of it, the long and the short and if they fall right and balance each other then we can be o.k., if only for a little while.
One more time that is so a part of our lives and Yes, Our attitude. The Day and night. Long time: the space between starting work and getting off. Short time: The space between setting the alarm and having to get up and shut it off.
Short time: The Sunshine in the summer. Don't you wish it was light until Midnight? Long time: The Winter time between 4 p.m. and 7 a.m. when the Sun is sleeping.
Yea, time is our friend and foe. Use it wisely. It ends so quickly... Trust me on this one. Darrel

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Honesty... can we justify it?

Can you hear your Mother? Do the words of your teacher and preacher and even your best friend echo in your brain? They are all saying the same thing. And You!? You believe it and honor those words because well, simply because. What words, you say? "Honesty is the best policy!" Hmmmmmmmm? Is it really? I wonder?
Aren't there truly times when perhaps less Honesty is a good thing? "Does this dress make me look fat???" What, are you kidding!???? Go ahead men, answer that one. Tell her that there is just a tiny, the tinsiest little belly bump that shows in that dress. Say to her "honey, I just think something less tight might look better." Uh huh, you will find out just exactly how much Honesty is NOT always the best policy. Your night, hell, the rest of your life would be better if you just had said, "You look fabulous" and called it good.
My thoughts are a bit abstract today. Blame it on Bipolar, on spring is here or just blame it on my being awake. At any rate, these are my thoughts today. If you are close with someone, here or off-line and you are talking and there are things you want to say to them because you love them, do you? If they ask a question and you know that any answer you give to them will hurt them, do you answer the question with your heart or do you simply say enough to stay with the conversation? What is the real answer? How much is too much honesty?
We allow ourselves justification for other dishonesty's. We tell our children to go to bed early on Christmas Eve. If they don't then Santa won't come to their house.Wer tell them about an Easter Bunny that doesn't exist. We find ways to say it isn't really lieing but it is. And so, is it alright to be a little... "less than honest" with other things in life?
Concerning the heart... Do you tell someone you love that they look nice or are beautiful for the sake of feelings or do you speak honestly? Perhaps better to not speak at all. I am so serious here this morning. What makes a lie ok to tell? And is my little lie really smaller, less significant, less likely to land me in Hell than someone elses based on it's content? I think there must always be honesty in a relationship. Sharing thoughts or being 100% open leaves nothing to question also leaves one vulnerable. Telling someone that you will answer them honestly is good only to the point of where it will hurt someones feelings. I guess then it leaves me with this question. Would you become an open book, even at the risk of losing someones love??????

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saturday Mornings Blahs????

Saturday morning. A day when most humans try their best to stay in bed just a little longer than the Monday through Friday up at 5 a.m. drill. For most, this is a good thing. Then you have those of us that are dedicated insomniacs. Now try as I might, I have not ever been able to talk my body into making a change on the weekend for me. I have been equally unsuccessful in training it to sleep in on Saturday mornings. It is 5a.m. or earlier when this body wakes and refuses to allow me to close my eyes again.
A snooze button for me is a worthless addition to the alarm clock, though the alarm itself is almost as useless when one is already up before it goes off. My personal favorite is 4:38 a.m. That one robs you of 21 minutes of sleep while assuring that you do NOT have enough time to jump up,race down 17 steps without breaking your neck, pee, run back up 17 stairs and slide into bed before the music you have set to Blare as loudly as it can, goes off. But through it all, though my days all seem to run together, I am alright Monday through Friday with it all. People are up and milling about, stopping to say hello to you as you sit with your Social sites open. There is the exchange of what will you do today and geez it is sooo freaking cold here this morning. Coffee and 9 cigarettes to get you rolling and away you go. they go off to work and you settle into your little corner to do some serious writing.
But Saturday...that is like waking up in another Solar System. More I think like a scene out of "the last man on earth" movies. You open your "Social" sites and well, they are silent. You re-open them a time or two because there MUST be something wrong and no one is seeing you. You make sure you have clicked off the "invisible" modes and then... Yep, then you glance at the Calendar. Uh huh, it's Saturday. Now it all makes sense to you.Now you know that the Earth has not stop turning and that all communication lines have not been severed by some unseen enemy. It's just Saturday. The day your body chooses most often to wake at 3:38 instead. A full hour ahead of the normal. You don't even have to run down the stairs to go to the bathroom. You can walk down, stop and look at your fish in the aquarium, walk back up, counting the steps and sit down, knowing all the while that you did not miss any incoming IM's.
When i read this back, I am sure I will smile as I think you will while reading it. But on the sad side, the reality side, I do not laugh inside. I have too much time to think on Saturdays to laugh this early. Time to think about why I sit here right now and write this blog. Too much time to remember that the sleeplessness and the bipolar and the manic moments are all part of the reason I sit here and type. Time to reflect on things gone by, thoughts unsettled and tears uncried. Moments free to think of all I have done wrong in my life, what I have not yet achieved, what I will probably not ever finish and to cry silently at those I miss with all my heart and wonder whom I have hurt in some way. Hurt that has not been told to me yet, but my mind is convinced they will soon.
Saturday... just another day. The beginning of the weekend for most, unless they started Friday night. But for me, it is a day of starting out slow. A time for finding anxieties early in the morning, before most peoples day has even begun. And maybe, just maybe, it is a little lonely. Do I have other places to be, people to see and outdoorsy things to do? Yes! can I do them in -11 degrees and darkness? Probably not. So here is to all you "got to sleep in on Saturday" people. Enjoy and sleep in as late as you can. All is well here. I have your back. ;) smilesssss Always, I am ... Just Darrel

Friday, March 13, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 7

Jess used everything she had within her and tried to stand back up. Ryan's body was strong but she was taking so much from him to keep Joshua subdued.
"I will not let you Die, Ryan. I can not do that! Just hold on for a little longer and I will give you your body back.'
Mark kicked the door as hard as he could. It was not budging for him. He found an axe and brought it to the door. He began hacking at it as fast as he could. There was light coming out through the splintered door that made Mark chop away at the door with the ferocity of a mad-man. He could see inside the room now. Mark reached through the hole he had made and unlocked the door. He opened the door and stood there in awe at what he saw. On a pull-out bed was the body of Joshua. His body laid motionless and appeared asleep or dead. Mark walked over to the body. He heard a sound behind him. He turned to See what the noise was and he looked directly into the eyes of all the women that had been caged. Their faces were fixed with anger and hatred but the fear was gone. Mark tried to hold them back but they were to much for him. He watched as the one that seemed to be leading the group stepped forward. She pulled a knife out of her shirt and touched the blade to Joshua's body.
"This is for all the women and children that this monster, this freak has hurt, raped or sold, all for his own pleasures and gains!
Mark tried to reach for the knife and was met by a wall of women and a sharp blade held to his neck. The leader glared at Mark. "If you try to stop us or help this man in anyway, I Will Kill you!! We have earned the right to do this! Now step back or join him!
Mark moved away, unable to do anything more than watch.
"Do it Angelica... cut that worthless creature!" came a shout from the crowd. "Hurt him like he hurt us and so many others!"
Angelica sliced across his belly and then watched the blood begin to run down his side. She turned and handed the knife to the next girl in line.
Back at the car, Jess watched as Joshua suddenly screamed out. He grabbed his side and then his stomach. Jess watched as Joshua pulled at an unseeable something near where his heart was. He writhed across the ground and he seemed to be fighting an invisible foe.
"What is happening to him Jess!?!
"Mark must have found Joshua's body. I can only guess that he is torturing him right now. There is little we can do for him now except sit and watch to see what happens."
Joshua tried to rip at his legs and arms but nothing he did stopped the terrible pain that was being inflicted on him. "Your brother will pay for this with his miserable life. I am going back to my body and kill him before I come back and finish this little battle of ours!"
"Oh no you are not! You are not going any-where!" Jess raced over to Joshua's image and wrapped her arms him tightly. "As long as someone or something is touching you, you can not return to your body. I am not letting go of you until this is finished!"
Joshua tried to pull away but he was too weak. "So this is how it ends, is it!? I really thought I would go out with more of a bang. You enjoy your life, Jess. And for what it means to you, I did love you. I really did."
Jess watched as red became the main color of Joshua's image. It faded faster and faster until he was no longer visible.
"That is the end of him, Ryan. I will give you your body back now. Thank you for the use of it." Jess's projection materialized in front of Ryan."Come and get me now, love. I will be waiting for you outside the warehouse."
"I am on my way to you now!"
Ryan drove to the warehouse where Jess's body had been. He saw her standing outside, waiting for him as she said she would be. He stopped the car and flung the door open and ran to her. Ryan cupped her chin in his palm, his fingers gently caressing her skin. He looked deep into her green eyes and brushed the hair away from her face. Leaning forward, Ryan tenderly kissed Jess. She returned the kiss with passion as she pulled Ryan tighter against her. Her hand went around the back of his head and she kissed him deep.
"What took you so long, Love?" She smiled as he shook his head.
"I had some car trouble. It kept freezing up on me."
They both laughed and then went to the warehouse next to them. Inside they found Mark sitting silently on the floor beside Joshua's lifeless body. He looked up at them with an empty stare.
"I could not stop them, but maybe I didn't want to." Tears ran down his face as he stood to greet his sister."
"I am glad you did not, Mark. It was really what saved our lives." Ryan put a hand out to help Mark stand. He looked to his left and saw no less than 30 ladies, blood on everyone of them, standing, waiting to go home.
The sirens were now a block away. They all went outside to meet them. There would be a lot of questions asked, some that would be fabricated, for to tell the truth would only add more questions. It didn't seem needed to any of them...


Thursday, March 12, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 6

Ryan pulled himself from the ground. He looked around for Mark and found him trying to sneak up on Joshua. As soon as Ryan's eyes fixed on Mark, Joshua turned to look behind himself. The anger in his eyes was so evident as he lashed out and grabbed Mark by his hair.
"What did you think you were going to do? You are a waste as a Projector and worse as a human.I don't have time for you!!" Joshua tossed Mark over the car and then returned to Jess. "What a shame to waste such a beautiful creature. I would have found a way to keep you alive if you hadn't gone all perfect on me! now, you will simply be a nothing to me. Once I weaken your soul here, then I will kill you quickly."
Ryan slipped behind the car where Mark had landed. He grabbed him and pulled him closer to the car, where Joshua would not see them.
"Mark, listen to me. We have to be very close to the Corn Mill. You need to find it and get those girls out of there. I will handle Joshua for now. Once they are free, hide them. Then come back to me as quick as you can. I think i understand what Jess meant about networking."
"What if you can't handle Joshua?"
"Just go and get those girls to safety. Hurry."
Mark waited until he felt he was out of Joshua's site and then ran. He went from warehouse to warehouse searching for the Mill. He wanted to project but knew that he would then be visible to Joshua. He made it past nearly all of the warehouses and finally saw the Mill. He slipped inside and found the girls, all quiet and frightened. When they saw Mark, they pressed themselves against each other and moved to the back of the cages.
"No, I am not here to hurt you, Ladies. I am a friend that is here to save you. Where does Joshua keep the keys?"
One of the girls slowly moved forward. She pointed towards a door across the room. Mark raced over to it and tried to open the door. It was locked.
Ryan crawled around the car until he was almost at Joshua's feet. As he began to stand, Joshua turned towards him.
"Where is that little termite that was with you!? Did I kill him with one toss?"
"You aren't that good Joshua! The best you can do is kill a woman that was nearly dead anyways? I guess maybe without her you are going to be just you! Maybe I will just wait a moment and then Kill you myself."
Joshua released his hold on Jess. Her projection fell to the ground, limp. Ryan didn't dare take his eyes off of Joshua. He knew he was still very strong. He heard a voice in his mind. He could hear the faint voice of Jess calling to him. Joshua stood still as Ryan tried to hear Jess.
"He is regaining strength Ryan. He won't need to rest long to be at full power again. Listen quickly. You have projected before. You can do it again. Fall to the ground and let yourself go. I will enter your body and together we can defeat him. He won't ever be expecting this. Do it now or we will both die."
"I was going to use Mark, Jess!"
"NO time to wait! Do it now!"
Ryan threw himself to the ground. Confusion became Joshua's look. He watched as Jess moved to Ryan's body. Suddenly Ryan realized he was "floating" above his body. He watched as his body stood up again. It wasn't until that moment that he realized what Jess was doing.
"I couldn't do this with you inside Ryan. It was too risky for your mind. I will leave as soon as I am finished." She turned towards Joshua. "You should have killed me when you could have! The girls are free and hiding now. They are safe."
Joshua began to look around him as she spoke. Fear now took over his face. "Ah, ah Joshua, don't look around. You are weak enough. You need to look at me!"
She spoke to Mark as he was far enough away that Joshua could not hear them. "Across the hall is another room. Kick the door in and you will find what we need to destroy Joshua. You kicked the other door in to free the girls. Do it again! Do it now Mark!"
Suddenly Joshua shoved Ryan's body to the ground. He caused rocks and branches to strike it over and over, though Jess was able to deflect some of them away. She reached out with Ryan's body and sent Astral electricity into Joshua. He winced and screamed out as each one hit him. Jess could feel him fighting back. She saw Ryan's projection fading and knew her time was short. She didn't know if she could defeat him before losing Ryan.
"It is o.k. Jess... just kill him! Don't worry about me! I got to feel your love and that is enough for me."
Joshua could feel Jess weakening, He had only to wait a little longer and then, he would have them all. Ryan's body went down on one knee. Jess began to cry. "Hurry Mark!" she cried out. "We have no more time.............."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 5

The invasion of Ryan's mind left him weak. He slowly sat forward and looked back at Mark.
"You look as if you are fading. What is wrong?"
"This is taking it's toll on me too. I really need to refresh but there is no time."
"Are you going to be able to function when the time comes?"
"Swing down the next road. Our house is two blocks over. I can slip back into my body and we can go find the girls and free them."
Mark, you have not told me yet what Jess passed on to you. It may be very important for me to have the information."
"I don't know how it is going to help us at all, Ryan. You have heard of how people "Network" computers together to gain strength, amongst other reasons?"
"Yes, of course I have. What has that got to do with Jess or beating Joshua?"
"Joshua uses the same system to be two places at once. It is still believed to be just a theory by most but it is apparently reality from what you and I experienced from Joshua. The problem is that it can only work through someone that has astral projected themselves. He is using Jess to be in two places at one time. It doesn't help us at all so there is no reason pursuing it."
"That might not be totally true Mark. The other question is why can't he come into the car to kill us."
"That one was easy. It seems that the metal in the vehicle messes with his projecting. He could enter as I have done but he would have to release his hold on Jess and then his strength would be greatly reduced. Hew would also have to rest like she and I need to. With Jess tagged along, he can draw from her."
"That explains why she was so weak. He has been sucking the life out of her."
"Exactly! And when she returned to her body, he gained even more strength. If we face him outside of this car and he has Jess tagged on, he will easily kill us, Ryan. There is my house. Let me go in and re-enter myself and then we can get this done."
"I will wait outside in the car." Ryan watched Mark go into his house. He turned the radio on to relax a little. As the music played, he began to drift to sleep. Suddenly he heard what he thought was a voice in his head. The soft sound of Jess's voice made him realize it was not in his head. Her voice was coming through the radio.
"I can not be here long, love. By using your radio, anyone listening to this station will here me. I can use no names so please listen to me. You didn't tell mark you have projected before."
"It was a disaster and I nearly died."
"It doesn't matter, Ryan. You did it and so Mark can use you to increase his strength should you need to do that."
"Jess, how? How are we so connected? Why do I feel as if I have known you all of my life?"
"You have been part of me since you were a little boy. I am Jennifer Longfield, Ryan. I had to change my name to what I am called now to save my life. I stumbled onto some bad men years ago that wanted me dead."
"Jennifer... Jenny L., from high school. I was so in love with you and then just before our senior year was over, you disappeared. I asked about you for years and nobody knew anything about you. My heart was totally broken, Jenn."
"I will make up for lost time, but right now, you need to save those girls! Ohhhhh, Oh God, Ryan."
Her screams of pain sent chills down Ryan's neck. The radio was filled with static but he could hear her screaming somewhere in the background. Michael McDonald sang when a man loves a woman amidst Jess's terrifying screams.
"Jessica!!!!! What is happening, baby!? Talk to me! IS he hurting you!??"
Another scream rang out , this one outside the car. It was coming from inside Mark's house. Just as Ryan was opening the car door, like stereo he heard Jess and Mark call out to him. "Don't open the door! Stay where you are!?"
Jess's voice was the strongest and could be heard clearly now. A window shattered and Ryan saw Marks body come crashing through the window. It landed on the hood of Ryan's car.Mark turned and grabbed hold of the sides of the hood. "Go, I am fine... just get us out of here!"
Ryan pressed his foot to the floor. The tires squealed and Mark pulled his way into the passenger side of the car.
"What the hell happened in there!!??"
"Joshua happened in there, that's what happened! He was waiting for me when I went inside. He was trying to kill me but I re-entered to quickly. I moved just as he was going to kill me. We have to get to the girls and Jess now, Fast! He knows we are here and so he will try and get rid of the girls."
"Hurry please, before he kills the girls and me. Dallas warehouse, Florentine street! Pleaseeeeeeee...I love you Ryan, always!"
That was the last time Jess's voice was heard on the radio.
"She was trying to tell the police where she is. She knows they can hear her! We are almost to Florentine street, Mark. When we get there, we split up and find them. there is no time to waste now!"
As the turned the corner on Florentine, the car began to shake. The windows frosted over and Ryan could feel his fingers freezing on the steering wheel. The ice quickly covered everything and suddenly, the car came to an abrupt Stop! Ryan saw the telephone pole as it fell into the windshield, shattering glass everywhere. Part of the pole landed on Marks shoulder. He cried out in agony as the bone on his shoulder broke through the skin.
"I can heal later. Lets' get out and find them!"
Police sirens could be heard drawing nearer to them. As Ryan and Mark left the car, Ryan was tossed against the broken pole. His back hit the pole with the force of a hurricane. He crumpled to the ground. As he tried to move he saw Joshua approach him.
"Now, I am going to fulfill a promise to you and kill you. You should have left her standing by the road! Now, you just need to relax and die!"
Joshua made himself nearly completely solid. He grabbed a huge stone and lifted it above his head. "Say goodbye, Ryan!"
"I don't think so, Joshua." Ryan watched Joshua tumble backwards as the projection of the woman he loved flashed before him. "It is you that is saying goodbye! I managed to keep a little more of my strength for myself."
The rock fell to the ground. Joshua turned and grabbed Jess by her throat and began to squeeze. "You little fool! Did you really think you could defeat me?!?" His strength even took Jess by surprise. He squeezed and squeezed and as Ryan struggled to stand, he watched Jess's projection fading to almost zero. His tears flowed as he screamed out her name. Her face was saddened and scared...
"NOooooooooooo Jessica, don't you dare leave me now!!!!"

Monday, March 9, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 4

"Let me guess, Mark... meet Joshua right?!?!"
"He can't get into the car with us, Ryan!! Something is keeping him out of here!"
"It looks to me like he isn't having any trouble messing you up!"
"No, don't go by this. He is only able to hurt me by hurting Jess. I can take it though. If I let go then we lose Jess and he can take her anywhere he wants to."
"Chit chat All you like, gentlemen. Sooner or later you will leave the vehicle and then I will have no mercy on either of you. And you, Mark, if I pick up on your astral trail and find your body, you will not Want to return to it. Might not even kill you. Just leave you wishing that I would have."
Ryan brushed the glass from his chest and face. The window had shattered all over him and he could feel the glass cutting his skin. The trickles of blood ran down his arms and face as he brushed as much of the glass away as he could. He turned the key and the car started. He put it in drive and the tires squealed as he pulled away from Joshua.
"Can he follow us, Mark?"
"Yes, he can go anywhere he wants to, Ryan."
"No, listen to me! Can he keep up with us as I drive?"
"He moves differently than the car so no, he will have to find us and lock onto us again. If he moves to fast it will hurl him into another realm. He knows that and so he won't chance that. It would leave Jess to open to being saved."
"Alright, then for now we focus on Dallas and the warehouse. Once we locate it, we can sit tight for a time and watch the place. We will know if Joshua tries to move her."
"By that time, Jess's aura will have completely faded and being that close, I can release my link to her safely. If I don't do that, Joshua will be able to find us through her essence. I don't like it but we really have little choice at this time."
Ryan drove on, thinking of someway to save Jess and the girls in cages at the same time. He was going to have to choose perhaps which he would have to save. Did he save the lives of many young girls going to be slaves or worse the rest of their lives? Did he sacrifice the many to save the "One?" His mind drifted back to Mark. He had a thought.
"Mark, are you awake?"
"Ryan, we don't really sleep in this realm. We can rest some but not like you would in your own body. I don't require as much as Jess because I haven't been through what she has been in her body and spirit."
"Question. Where is your body right now?" Ryan waited for an answer but Mark said nothing for a moment. "It wasn't a trick question, Mark. You Do know where your body is, right!?"
"Of course I know where it is! What kind of a question is that!?"
"Then answer me, Man! I need to know something!"
"I have to be careful. If the answer should linger and Joshua find it, he will also know and then I am his."
"Can you point to it, a location or something on a map?"
"What is your question? It isn't about where I am, is it?"
"No, I am sorry. I want to know if you can get to your body and perhaps we can split and save everyone. If you could go to the girls and set them free while I got Jess out safely? Is that possible?"
"My body is in Dallas. That is where I live. I may be somewhere near where the girls are but i need Jess to tell me. She is too tired still and so afraid of Joshua. When we get into Dallas, then I will ask her and we can try and do what it is you want to do. I will rejoin my body and find the girls and free them. Joshua can not be physically at both places at once."
"Then how did he hurt Jess and come to us at the same time, Mark?"
"I don't know for certain. Some are stronger than others. Joshua has been doing this far longer than I have. I can't be certain how he did that."
"Well you better be certain, Mark!!! You better be damn sure because if you aren't. Joshua is going to kill us both!!!"
"Don't yell at me Ryan! I am trying so hard. I am not as experienced as Jess or Joshua. I am trying my best and scared to death!"
Ryan softened his words. "Mark, it's o.k. We will figure this out. When Jess is able, she will tell us what we need to know. Just relax for now. We are pulling into Dallas now. We are going to need Jess as soon as we find the place she is at."
"She is telling me something. She says to go to the East side of the City. Florentine Street will get us close but not so close that Joshua knows."
"Ask her where the girls are! We need to know that."
"She says they are next to her building. She says we need to be careful. He has mastered two plaines at once and so though he doesn't have as much strength on the second plaine, he can still hurt us. I have to release her now or he will find us."
"Tell her I am coming for her! Tell her... tell her I don't know how it is possible, but tell her I love her. I love her as if I have known her forever."
Ryan felt Mark touch his shoulder. Suddenly he felt a warmth wash over him and then, he heard her beautiful voice. "You have loved me forever, Love. I have waited my whole life for you. And I love you too. Come and save me Ryan. I need you."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You will not save her!!" Ryan's head jerked back at the sudden invasion of his thoughts. Joshua's voice echoed through out Ryan's head. "I will kill you long before that ever happens!"
"Mark!!! Cut it off. Release your link with Jess now!"
Ryan could feel as soon as the link was severed. His body went limp and he fell forward in the seat. "Did he see where we were, Mark!?"
"No, I don't think he had time to look. It all happened too fast. But Jess passed on to me Joshua's secret. She stole it from his head while he was battling you. I think we just might have a chance to defeat him now."
"How? What did she pass on to you?"
"I will tell you when I am certain Joshua is gone for a while. For now, let's go find us a corn Mill."
"Yes Mark, let's."

Sunday, March 8, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 3

How many warehouses could there be in Dallas, Ryan wondered. "One hundred, two hundred, Hell, I don't know!" he spoke aloud. "I can't search everyone of them. I wish Jess had told me a little more.And why was she screaming Joshua's name? He must have found her, but if he did..."
Suddenly, from out of the trees along the road, something caught Ryan's eye. He saw the movement and instinctively veered to the right to avoid hitting. He felt a bump on the passenger door and at that moment, the entire inside of the car frosted over. Ryan's fingers were slipping off the steering wheel and the car veered wildly sideways in the road. It skidded sideways for 30 feet before the wheels caught and flipped the car over once and then back onto it's wheels again. As it touch the road Ryan turned the wheels as if the car had never once strayed from the straight path of the road in front of him.
"Do that again, man! That was way too cool."
Ryan jumped a bit in his seat at the sound of a voice coming from his backseat. The fact that he had just flipped his car, crunched the roof down so it now touched the top of his head and drove on like it never happened was for some reason not as important as why and how someone got into his backseat while it all was happening. he glanced into his rear-view mirror and shook his head. He laughed to himself before speaking.
"O.k., when it begins to seem normal to have see-through people in my car, it is time to pull over somewhere and have a cold one and a reality check. If the reality check doesn't happen, well... I will still have the cold one."
"We aren't going to do the flip thing again, are we?"
"That would be a No and who are you!? How did you get in here? Don't I have to invite you in or something first!?"
"That's Vampires and they do not exist, bright boy. My name is Mark and I projected of course. I really deserve a round of applause because hitting a moving target is not easy to do."
"if you don't mind, I will save the applauding for after I know you a little better."
"Suit yourself." The young man sitting in Ryann's backseat looked to be about eighteen. He was as see through as Jess had become just before she left. He reminded Ryan of a young version of George Clooney. "Anyways, as I was saying, my name is Mark and I am here at the request of Jessica. She can't come back to you yet but she can communicate with you if you allow her too.
"Is she alright? What happened to her?"
"She is fine for now. She was projecting too long and needed to rest. If she doesn't do that, her physical body will lose touch with her. If that happens... well, she would be trapped in this world forever. Not a good place to be for eternity."
"What does she need me to do?"
"She needs you too drive to Dallas and find her body. Joshua did find out that she was out of body and came looking for her. He couldn't stay locked on to her but he got her on her way out of the car. There must be something about you or the car that won't allow him to follow her that close."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Yea, it is. Whatever it is, it keeps you safe and kept him from seeing who you are or where you are driving to."
"O.k. then, let's find her and be done with this stuff. Ask her the location, please."
"Hang tight buddy. I am trying here. She said beside it is an old airplane hanger. It appears to be empty. On the other side of where she is there is a metal building. It looks to be some sort of old corn mill. that should get us into the area, She can't help us anymore right now. Joshua is coming back soon."
"Then we will find the place she is in and then sit there until she tells us differently. How is it that you know Jess?"
"She is my sister, Ryan, and I need to get her out of there."
"We will find a way, Mark. That is a promise.
"Ouch!" Mark crllllied out. His body moved across the back seat. He slammed into the door and it caused the car to swerve a bit. "God have Mercy! Help me Ryan, please, help me. Joshua is hurting Jess badly. When he hurts her, I feel it too. But if I let it go, then I will lose her and I don't want to right now. She needs me, needs Us Ryan."
Ryan slammed on the brakes as a figure stepped in front of his car. He stopped inches from the figure. He watched as the figure touched the car. The car iced over instantly. Mark watched as the doors locked again. The figure was solid now. He walked to Marks window and with his finger, he touched it and the window shattered. His voice was loud and echoed into the car.
"You have chosen a poor friend to pick up, Ryan. I will wait until you leave the car and then, I am going to kill you...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 2

Ryan had little choice but to sit and listen to her. She had caused the car to come to a halt and the sound of the doors locking said it all. He sat looking at Jessica...through her more than at her.She turned towards him and he felt himself push back towards his own door. Her face became a sad look.
"Why do you recoil from me as if I am your enemy? If I had meant you harm, it would have already been finished. I need your help, but before I can ask that of you, I must explain myself."
"You? You need my help!? Well we can be sure it isn't with fixing or stopping a car engine. What can I do that you can't?!"
"If you will listen to me, perhaps you will have the answer you seek. I am an empathic. I feel what others feel, sometimes more severe than they do. I am also what is known as an Astral Projector. I can remove myself from my physical body and travel to other places."
"Do you feel things here? Can you feel the rain or if I touched you, would you feel it?"
"Yes, this body can feel things as can my physical body. I feel them differently yes but I do feel them. My body is wet from the rain as would be yours but I do not FEEL the wetness on my skin like you do nor do I feel the coldness. We are not so different than you except that We move freely, without restrictions."
"Yea, I did a thesis on this in college. A man named Robert Monroe wrote a lot about it and I learned some things from his writing. I used his procedure once to try it. Maybe that is why I am not shocked at what you are telling me. At least you aren't a ghost or something, trying to haunt me."
"Perhaps that is the reason my soul was drawn to you, Ryan. You know this is real. I do need to tell you why I am here. I do not know how much time I have." The locks on the doors suddenly released. "I don't think you are going anywhere. Would you prefer to drive as we talk now?"
"We are fine right here. My meeting will wait. I am in no hurry to have my butt reamed anyways."
Jessica's smile broadened and Ryan thought how very beautiful she really was.
"Thank you for that Ryan... you are quite the looker yourself."
Ryan smiled at her and combed back his hair with his fingers. Truly, he was a nice looking man. At six foot three, his blondish hair and baby blue eyes were a perfect match. Working out at the company Gym kept his body well toned, though not overly done. He settled back to listen to Jessica's story.
"I am Jessica Langley and I am 27 years old. Two years ago I met and fell madly in love with a man. He was everything I dreamed of and more. He had a career established and owned his own home and two vehicles. Every woman's dream right?"
"Damn, I guess that leaves me out of a lot of women's dreams huh?"
"You are fine just as you are, Ryan. You have no worries. Joshua was as I said, everything a woman could ask for. He had only one little flaw. his favorite past time was beating up ladies. He wasn't particular really but enjoyed mostly the "home" entertainment. That would be Me! I endured it for two years and can't even give you a good reason why. Two weeks ago I told him I was leaving. He of course tried to convince me to change my mind. His convincing landed me in the hospital with a broken jaw and bruises from one end of my body to the other."
"I am so sorry that he did that to you. I would..."
"It doesn't matter right now. What matters is that he has taken me from the hospital. I am in a room in an old motel right now."
"I can just call the police and tell them where you are then. We can save you if you tell me where you are."
"No, you must listen to me. Joshua can do the very things I can do. He may even be able to find me here. I don't know the extent of his projections. Some are stronger than others. If he suspects that someone is coming to save me, he will simply kill me."
"Why does he want you dead? He doesn't want you to testify against him, right."
"I wish it were something that simply. A week ago I projected to where he was. I found him in a warehouse filled with cages. Inside the cages were... God I couldn't believe my own eyes."
"What did you see, Jessica!?"
"Ryan, he had young girls and boys inside the cages. He sells them to people for slaves and God knows what else. I can't even think about it. There were two girls, maybe fifteen years old that wer crying. Joshua walked to the cage and pushed a button on the side-rail. The girls jumped around screaming and I knew then that he was shocking them."
Her tears began and Ryan reached out to hug her. His arms went through her and he hit his head and mouth on the window behind her. His body went ice cold the instant he passed through her. He could taste the blood as it trickled from his lips. Sucking on them and rubbing his now bruised forehead, he sat back quickly.
"Damn, that was just plain stupid! Crap!"
"I am so sorry for that, Ryan. Normally you could have felt me but I am weak and so my projection is weak also. Please forgive me." She cried harder now
"It's alright, Jess, it really is. Can I call you Jess?"
"Of course you can."
"So he is selling children to the highest bidder. But I can send someone to that place too. Surely you must know where it is!"
"Ryan, I must finish so I can return to my body and regenerate. When I saw the girls jumping, I gasped. Because Joshua is so strong, he heard me. He tried to find me but I stayed hidden. When he took my body, he told me that if I spoke out, He would kill me and then kill all the people I had just seen. I found a list of all of his contacts and took it with me. He knows I have it and as Long as I do, he has to keep me alive. The list has names of some very big people. They would consider him better dead than alive. He has to find that list and soon."
"Tell me where they are and I will go in and get them out! Please, I want to help."
"No Ryan, he will see you and kill you for sure."
"No... we can do this Jessica!"
She stared at Ryan for a moment. "The place that he has them is Dallas. A wareh..."
As Ryan listened, suddenly Jessica began to fade more. She was almost completely invisible now and her voice was very soft. Ryan moved closer to her to hear her last words. "I will be back. So weak now. Must regenerate my self. Please know I will be back."
Ryan heard her scream out. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo..."
"Jessica, what's wrong!?!?! What is happening?"
"Joshua, noooooooooooooooooooo."
Those were the last words that Ryan heard from Jessica as she completely faded away. What had just happened. Ryan was sure that Joshua had somehow found her. He put the car in gear and headed for Dallas. He would find them... and then he would save Jessica.

Friday, March 6, 2009

When White meets Black... Chapter 1

His passenger had road silent for nearly 50 miles. Ryan wondered what had possessed him that he stopped and picked this total stranger. He had a rule not too and yet when he saw her standing by the road, he automatically pulled over. Perhaps it was the rain that had been coming down for nearly 3 hours that made him stop. Maybe the fact that it would be dark soon made his mind fog over. For whatever reason, sitting beside him now was a lady... a girl really, soaked to the bone and looking as if she had not seen anything even remotely close to a shower in a long time. He guessed her to be in her early twenties but Ryan never was very good at guessing ages. She was a pretty girl and from the quick glance Ryan had caught of her facing him, her green eyes could stop a freight train. She had full lips and her dress was tight to her body from the rain. He could see the contour of her slim body and she seemed to curve exactly where they should. He wanted to know more about this young beauty sitting beside him.
Ryan thought that perhaps if he spoke first it might break the ice a little. It was at the very least worth a try.
"So, I am traveling to Laredo for a meeting with my bosses. It seems they have a problem with the way i am handling the business in Nebraska. I take care of transfers of funds to foreign countries for them. Sometimes I pass on tips for where the money market is going and I guess they don't like that.I do what I think is best for the..."
"Do you think we could just not talk? I really have no interest in what you do for a living. I just needed a ride but maybe that was too much to ask for."
Ryan was shocked at the young girls response to his talking. He stared at the young girl and shook his head. What ever had caused her to be on the road tonight, it was still with her and she was not willing to talk of it. Ryan however, was not one to give up easily. the worst she could do was either ignore him, which she had done since accepting the ride, or get out. either way, it was not going to keep him awake at night.
"You know nothing of me! You think me an idiot but I am Not!I would not leave the vehicle to stand in the storm I just got out of! There are things you have no idea of that I can do. Reading your thought is just one of them."
Ryan stared again, not knowing what to say. He was almost afraid to think and he found himself trying to shut down any thoughts he did not want her to read. he suddenly wished he had simply kept on driving and never picked her up.
"Look, all i was trying to do was make conversation. I didn't mean to get you all riled up. I thought maybe you could use a little friendly chit chat. I will just shut up for now."
Suddenly the vehicle began to slow down. Ryan stepped on the gas but nothing was happening. He could feel the hairs on his neck beginning to stand up. As he looked at her, she smiled.
"I am, for future knowledge, Jessica. I am not what I appear to be. And I can do things your mind can not even imagine."
The car came to a complete stop. "We will set here for a little while. I will tell you who I am and what I am. You will perhaps understand me, but maybe, you will choose not to believe. If that is so then I have been wrong in my choice of strangers to choose you to pick me up."
As she spoke, the windows fogged over inside the car. Ryan felt a chill run up and down his back and neck. The fog was so thick that the seats felt damp. All he could think was what had he driven into? What kind of woman was this sitting beside him? As he looked at Jessica, he had to close his eyes and re-open them. He was sure it was just from the fog.
"Jessica, it looks like I am looking right through you. How is that possible? Who ARE you!!?? What Are you!?"
"Please Ryan, I want to explain...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Now you see it, Now... you dont??? Bipolar

A mind is a funny thing. It has the ability to not only work our minds but also hearts and lives. Sometimes, things happen that we don't even see coming. I look at myself and at others I know that suffer from the same afflictions I have and I realize that many things in my life or orchestrated by the disorder. I am of course talking about Bipolar and how it effects my every day. I think about the health issues that come with it that are seldom mentioned. Particularly, the anxiety attacks. To those that have loved ones or friends that are bipolar, I say this. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. People so often say to me or to those closest to me "I don't see anything wrong with him. He acts normal around me." Those words may be partly true. But there are reasons why that may be.
Let's take a back injury for a moment as a similarity. People have back injuries sometimes that may not always flare or give signs when others are around. It certainly does NOT in any way mean that there is no suffering. Perhaps when you saw them they weren't hurting to badly. Maybe you didn't know what to look for. The back injury is so much like being bipolar. The reasons you don't see the disorder may be the fact that you don't always no what you are looking for. There are often times, especially when i am around friends or family that I muster up everything I have inside of me to make sure that no one sees my twitches or hears my outbursts. It makes people uncomfortable and therefore causes me to feel strange or embarrassed. But while i am striving to keep composed, the anxiety builds with in me and causes my heart to race {also unseen by the naked eye} and my breathing to be laboured. Few things in this life are more terrifying than an anxiety attack. they place a lot of stress on the body and fog the mind so that a decision is all but impossible to make. So the fact that someone doesn't see me in a huge panic unless hives break out or it is just becomes too much to hold in does not mean I am Alright.
One of the reasons that this disorder is so often not diagnosed or misdiagnosed is because many try to keep it hidden. The world still doesn't completely accept it and they know too little about it to really want to get to close to it. What loved ones, family, friends do not understand is that by not wanting to accept it or by saying "get over it" or "It's all in your head, let it go" they place us in the position to have anxiety attacks and to seek out somewhere to hide so that no one sees us. That stress alone ages our bodies and stresses or hearts and bodies. So sad that by simply loving us and trying, just trying to understand, that it can do so many things for us. It can relieve so much stress and give us a chance not to freak and not to have the panic attacks.
So please, I write this to say "Just because you can not see it does NOT mean it isn't there. Learn, take time to ask and find the signs, sometimes subtle, that may tell you that we are feeling boxed in or that we are feeling the need for air. That to me shows more love than anything else you could possibly ever do. I just felt the need to write this as it truly is an issue today, even in my own little world.
Hugsssss to you all... always Darrel.


I was doing a bit of reading yesterday and some thoughts came to my mind. I know, a little scary but none the less, I Was thinking. lol I was thinking about relationships and how we treat our partner. I think the way we treat them comes back around to our own lives and hearts. They are with us daily, whether your Love is next to you or 5000 miles away and looking at you through a screen, they are with you. I won't go into a long talk on how real people in your net circle are very real, I have covered that many times for you. Suffice to say that no matter where they are or how you choose to talk with them, they are as real as any friend that you might meet face to face.
Soooooooooooo, anyways, lol... I was thinking about your relationship with the one you love. I thought about the way Sheila and I treated one another. We made certain that we never in 24 years, raised our voices to one another nor did we ever go to bed angry with each other. Not that we never disagreed, of course we did. But we always talked things out and finished our day with hugs and kisses. Love is that way.
I thought about the difference in loving someone so much you would give anything, do anything and be sure nothing ever came across as harsh or cruel. There is even a line that separates the way a couple gives to one another in the physical way that places a line down and separates lust and love. And I do believe that both exist even in a marriage or partnership as some may be called. This I will come back to in a moment or two. First, I want again to talk about how we treat our loved one. If we are to want respect and caring then we must always be sure we are giving the same. Couples have ways of saying "I love you" without ever saying a spoken word. You have to give of yourself, be willing to do whatever it takes to allow your love to know that you are thinking of them. When you are not together as sitting near one another or able to see each other eye to eye, you can leave the knowledge with them that they are with you and on your mind and heart no matter where you might be. That takes time and it is something that doesn't come by oral words but by a feeling that grows, a bond that forms between two people in love. The kind of oneness that lets other notice you finishing one anothers sentences, knowing what the other is thinking just by looking in their eyes. Love is a mutual walk and unless both of you walk along the same path, distance grows and you become strangers.
I mentioned that their can be love and lust, even in a relationship based on pure Love. Though it seems that it might not fit into a common marriage, sometimes the desire simply comes on and takes over and you find the two of you making a way to be alone for a few. this is of course up to each couple. Sometimes, it keeps a fire going that fills in a relationship nicely.
I don't know why i wrote this today. Just something that was on my mind. Read it and think about how you and your partner treat one another. Do you give the respect back that you expect to receive? Do you show her how special she is? Do you leave her with the knowledge that she is with you no matter where you are or what you are doing/ Those things coupled with good communication are to me the foundation of love.

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