Saturday, June 28, 2008

Things I know about Seasons...

Seasons are defined as time changes in the earths temperatures, generated by a tilt of the earths axis.As I have thought about this over the years, I see a direct parallel to seasons of our lives. Things that happen, people we meet and events that change our own personal world.
Throughout my life, I have watched people enter and stay and sometimes leave my life. Some have come to stay and may be with me until my own season of time is finished here on earth. Very often, people were placed in my life, I believe by God, that were to be with me until a certain lesson were learned. At times, they shared my life until they themselves found answers to their own questions. I have not always known the reasons why someone was brought into my world or why I was brought into theirs. I do know that everything we do, every person we meet, every love we share has it's season.
Our lives are truly one journey through out the seasons. We begin in the spring, new life coming forth into the world. Much like the true spring, we may bring beauty and warmth to the world around us. We may be as flowers or trees that fill in a place in a vast forest of humans. We may also be the "weeds" that come forth and cause the hurt and pain and ugliness we see in the world at times. At any rate we begin our seasons there, in the spring of our lives. As we grow, we may see storms or patches of cold left over from a winter before us. Things that happened before we ever were that effect our lives. Our families medical history or some "skeleton" that hides in our families closet.
As we grow and learn, new events and new people come into our lives. Some are there because of the roads we choose to walk on. Others come to us because someone bigger than you or I knew we would need them in our lives, even if only for a season. How we learn from or do NOT learn from these people and happenings forms the next season of our life. That "Tilt on our axis or the warmth of the sun shining closer to us at times in our lives.I think back to my brothers hand being placed on my shoulder, me to become his eyes at such a young age. I was his eyes and he was my teacher... for a season. A preparing and nurturing of my character that would bring to me compassion and patience I would need for another season in my life. The Summer of my life, learning to give of myself and to find the good in things presented to me. Not to be bitter or resentful as I could have turned. A time of growth that would bring with it life and love and smiles and sorrows. Laughter enough to carry me through to the next season of my life. Sadness to teach me to know the hearts of those that felt the sting and pain of loss or heart break. thinking now of My Sheila, the love we shared and the pain and sadness we sometimes endured so that we could see the next season of our lives. The compassion and love and patience taught me by helping my brother and working with disabled that I had know way of knowing would be needed when I fell in love with My Angel. We would walk through our life as it were in the summer. Sometimes simply enjoying the warmth of the sun, the lake and its beauty and the joy that summer brings to every one that vacations, is out of school for the summer or simply loves NOT being cold. Yet other times of the same season, being burned by the sheer heat of the season, not covering ourselves enough with protective lotions, leaving our skin and our heart open to burns and pain.Watching as the heat of things in our lives tried so hard to scorch and burn away the love from our life. Trying to take away the beauty of the flowers that were our spring. Finding that we, together could comfort one another and bathe each other in loves soothing ointments of caring and compassion. Learning that the burns and the pain healed over in time if we were patient and cleansed the wounds faithfully.
And then came Autumn. A season when the days are shorter and softer. A time when the heat is not so searing and the nights give way to a cool that allows us to sleep sweeter. A time that often brings with it a cold wind that bites at us when it finds us unprepared for its sting. Still dressing casually, exposing our arms and legs to the elements surrounding us. We think we won't be caught the same way the next year and yet it happens again. We prepare for the change in season and still... it nips at our ears and fingertips. This season of my life, a season I swore for 24 years I was prepared for, bit me. Never believing for a moment that my summer would end, knowing she would always be beside me, My world Tilted on it's axis. Catching me still walking hand in hand in the summer of love, I foolishly looked away for a moment and my summer was gone. the warmth of the sun replaced by the cool of aloneness. An emptiness that left me exposed to all I thought I had prepared for. My Autumn clothes still sitting, waiting to replace my summer wear, not yet placed in my dresser. In the blink of an eye, summer was gone and Fall was here.
But with the "Fall" season came the thing that it was originally known by. Harvest season. A time to gather and reap all that had been mine and hers. To sit back and remember the beauty of our spring. A place to recall the warmth of our summers love. To look at the two daughters she and I created together and smile. Now a time to see new people and new lives brought into mine. Lives that I learned from life, might only be with me for a season. A time, long enough for them to find something lost or to show me something I thought gone with my summer. Perhaps not four seasons again, but a springtime of awakening. Seeing new beauty and remembering the past beauties in my life. The blessings that would sustain me through the impending winter. To bring in from the fields of experience, things I will need to live through another winter. Another time of bundling up and finding ways to stay warm and combat the harshness that is winter. The knowing that there Will be another spring. There will be a summer of smiles and laughter as I watch my grandchildren play and grow. A springtime that will bring me home, full circle to My Love and heaven.
To everything there is a season... I do not know what the season hold in store for me. Neither do any of you. But I do know that people are brought into our lives for a reason and a season. Sometimes we get all four seasons with them and sometimes... they are only here until we learn something of ourselves or they learn something of themselves. No matter how long or short the awakening, enjoy it to its fullest, share all you are able too and do not try and take the seasons too fast. You may miss the very reasoned it rained or the sun shined. Even the snow has it's purpose.
God bless you All... Darrel

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Things I know about Surveys...

I wanted to write about a survey site that has impressed me. I do a lot of on-line surveys daily. Some pay in gift cards, some in points and some pay in cash. The problem is that often the sites either don't pay you like they promised, pay you pennies for a lot of reading or leave you waiting forever to see your money. And yes, there are those that do not ever get around to paying you.
When I come across a really good site that really does pay you and pay you quick, I want to promote it a bit. One such site that I have found is this one... TreasureTrooper. I have been with a lot of sites that for years I havent really made too much money. Certainly not enough to brag about. But TreasureTrooper is a site that at least once a month you can expect to get a check from and that check will be no less than $20.00 and is foten much more than that. With the surveys and referals and a few other fun things to do, you can see checks for hundreds of dollars. And you don't have to take my word for it, you can go to their site and see the results.
I have cashed another check from them and my daughter and I enjoyed a very nice night out for dinner on them with money to spare. Give them a try. You are online anyways and it only takes a few minutes a day to earn some spending money. Try it out and tell them boogieman_50627 sent you. I am happy to do so and you... will be happy you did. Always, Darrel

Friday, June 20, 2008

Things i know about Hugs...

As we left the hospital where my Father laid, recovering from surgery, a strange thought crossed my mind. Each of the family not only Hugged my father, but we in turn hugged each other. I thought about each time we see each other, and that is at least two or three times a week, we always hug one another when we are leaving. We have always been a huggy family. I was raised in a very loving family and church I think might have been some of the learning about hugs too. Whenever you left church, you either shook hands or hugged. No one seemed shy to do this and so it became a sort of life-style. I thought about the feeling that the hug left me with as I walked away that day. It wasn't just a feeling of happiness. It was more a feeling of being loved or cared about. A feeling that someone cared enough not to be to shy or embarrassed to hug me.
Throughout my life, hugs have been used for so many reasons. I used them as a greeting to someone I had not seen in a while. By that hug, I could tell if they were truly happy to see me or just "going through motions." Hugs were there when someone did good or someone caused others to smile. Those same hugs were there for me so many times throughout my Love and my years of walking through her illness together. Times when her body hurt so badly, that the only intimacy we could share was talking and hugging one another. It was a way of showing one another that we loved and wanted to be with each other. It sustained us many times through out our life together. Hugs were a way of communicating without saying a word. To simply walk by someone you love or someone that is hurting for any reason, to squeeze their hand or hug them gently from behind is the silent way to say "I care."
There are so many benefits to a hug, both emotionally and physically. The world that shuns hugs or the person embarrassed by them is missing out on not only a wonderful feeling inside, but very often a physical feeling that has healing powers beyond your imagination. Some of the benefits to a hug are a renewing of your sense of worthiness. At times when you feel down or feel as if you serve no purpose, a simple hug from someone can place your mindset into a whole no view. It can help one to heal because I learned through life that attitude is more than 50% of healing. A hug can give you a better attitude which in turn gives you a better chance at healing.
I sit here and I think of the people in prisons or on death row. My mind can not help but wonder how many of those people might not be there had they had the benefits of more hugs when they were younger. Many of them never knew the feelings of hugging and the emotional bonding that came with the hug. Something so simple, something that takes less time than it does to say "Hey, great to see you" could have changed their lives. Something so simple and yet so powerful as a hug.
When a newborn enters the world, that baby is placed on the mothers breast to be embraced. That isn't always the first time that gift of heaven has been hugged. Sheila and I hugged our baby girls even while she still carried them inside of her. Did they feel that hug? I say "yes." A baby born to a happy mother is a healthier baby. Those hugs were felt by that precious angel long before he/she would ever see this world. The bonding that takes place when a newborn is placed on its mother body is ever lasting. Few things in this world are matched by a "baby hug."
I sit here and think about the fact that my family hugs as much as they do. I wonder if those hugs had been absent in our lives, how close would we be. I wonder even more, if they had not been there, how would I have known how much my family loved me? Stop for a minute and think about the feeling you got the last time a little baby wrapped it's fingers around yours. The trust and the unconditional love that came with that tiny hug is indescribable. If that gihugically of a feeling can come from something so tiny, just think what a "bear hug" could do for you or someone you love.
The next time you want someone to know how much you care or that you are there for them, just reach out and Hug them. It is one of the best "two-way" blessings you will ever know. "HUGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to you all. Darrel

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Things I know about silence...

Silence... A word that is so multi-dimensional that it can bring with it everything from tears to smiles, from screams to an Abyss. There is a Silence that appears when your children leave home, even if just for college. But the word abyss didn't seem to have the full impact that I was and am experiencing right now. The "empty nest" syndrome is at times a silence we could all to without. A house so noisy with the sounds of screaming and laughing that it deafens you... suddenly in minutes, the silence can be more deafening than the sounds you were just hearing. Sounds that were likely often traced by your own scream of "Lets keep it down" or "inside voice!!" You find yourself wishing you could hear just one more scream or one more "Dad, she won't stop touching me!!!"
Today, an Abyss fell heavily over my home. Two little girls that I have watched and cared for, smiled and laughed with as well as cried with, left to go home with their mother. The house, empty of toys I have tripped over and books and papers strewn all over the tables, seems like that deep hole that is defined as an "Abyss." Oh, what a huge house it suddenly becomes again. Is that an echo I can hear in a room where they had art tables and a t.v. and DVD player?
Were they my kids? Did I help create them? No... but they were such a deep. fulfilling part of my life. they were my smiles and my frustrations in the morning. They have been my laughter and my tears for 2 years. And they have made me remember when my girls were little and when they were growing up. They have caused me to think about all the feelings that came with watching my two daughters go from toddler to teen to young ladies and even one to become a Mrs.
I won't take away from one single parent their heart felt Abyss for when their own children left home. I won't proclaim to know what they did or did not feel when their own "Abyss" came into their home. But I will say that this happening follows the blog I wrote about change. The write that said I did not do good with change and that the disorder causes the very tiniest change to be Gihugic. Words that for-saw and warned of an eminent Low that would sink me for a time.
It brings back to the surface thew blog about guilt and blame and reasons to deal with the blame in my own way. Blame taken on in the hugest form of the word that says that I have hurt another soul because this disorder leaves me unable to be who I need to be for some. The same disorder that caused me to move into a separate room, away from the woman I loved forever and ever because I could not be around people 24/7. A state of mind that takes me places most never want to go, even me. And yet... here I am today. A place described for you best in a poem I wrote for someone that wanted to know what a day in the life of someone with Bipolar Syndrome was really like. I close this blog today with that very poem. I will sit and I will ponder all that has happened. And I will once again question what purpose I serve here in this world.
An Abyss can be a deep hole in the ocean. Or... it can be a deep silence in your life...
-------------My poem---------
Even Angels Won't Go
To those that truly want to understand our day...

My mornings all start out the same everyday
I wake and I write down all the reasons I should stay
Still tired from the sleep that almost did not come
I write half asleep and I feel my fingers go numb
Confused as to whether I am happy or sad
wondering if the day will turn out good or bad
I think "damn I made it through another night"
but whether that's a good thing in my mind I will fight
this bipolar brain of mine is waking real slow
as I drift off to places even Angels won't go
The dark places I will go throughout my day
will help me decide if I go or I stay
You asked me to walk you through my day and so
I hope you will follow me where even angels won't go
I will struggle to do all the chores there are to do
perhaps they will be easier since along with me I have you
We will wash up the dishes from last night sup
and then I'll let you come with me and help me straighten up
We will run to the store but you'll have to watch me
sometimes around people I cease to even be
Instead I will become a scared and confused man
please be an angel and gently take my hand
Now listen Death black fairy as I whisper real low
quietly lead me from this darkness where even angels wont go
We will laugh just a little and smile now and then
but somewhere in my day the darkness will come again
If you will be patient with me and treat me with tenderness
I will give you the best of me because I never give less
Then this evening we will watch a little T.V.
and I'll play my guitar and maybe you will see
I'm am an author and poet and a songwriter too
After dinner I will write a love song for you
Now it's past midnight and I think it's time that I show
the place that I've talked about where even angels won't go
Look at the little boy so very sad and afraid
who remembers the wrong done to him as if only yesterday
The babysitter scared him first then crawled into his bed and lied
saying if he touched her and made her smile the monsters would all die
She reached down and did things that at seven he did not know
They didn't come to save him so it must be where angels won't go
Can you see the things she is doing to him and teaching him to do to her
tell me Death black fairy if you can also feel his hurt
Finally softly I begin to slip off into a restless sleep
hoping for awhile you will care enough to stay right here with me
You wanted to walk with me and experience my day and now you know
why I battle with myself daily to not go where even angels won't go...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Things I know about "Change" and its effects...

Change. Such a simple word it seems and yet... Not simple at all. When I first became "manic" I was a change freak. I moved my furniture around sometimes every night and never did it stay the same for more than a week. I think i was manic long before I realized it. My brother, who is blind, lived with me for a time when we were younger. I feel bad today and think back and wonder why he didn't beat the S*** out of me. I would change the furniture around at 2 or 3 in the morning, while he slept. He would get up and by remembrance, sit where the "chair" was when he went to bed. I would hear a THUMP. That sound was expanded by the "colorful Metaphors" that will remain unwritten here. The change was something I had to have. Sometimes for a release of pent up energy and other times just because it was needed inside of me.
As the "manic" evolved into what it is today inside of me, the Bipolar of course, things changed totally for me. No longer did I move the furniture around in the middle of the night. It became just the opposite. If something was moved from where I placed it, Unless it was placed there by me, I freaked. I could walk into my house and tell you immediately if something had been moved. I would put it back where it went and then i could go on with my day. To add something to the walls, the floor, any place, and it sends me into a confused state of not sure what to do and how to deal with it. Change has become my enemy and even to sleep in a different bed or place takes time for me to adjust to the surroundings. I have to process it and make it ok in my head.
I have changes coming up in my life soon that I fear where they will put me. Totally different and life will change for me drastically. The comfort of everyday will change for a time. If I should wake and realize that there are in fact changes surrounding me, my day will be mixed with uncertainty and trying to place things in places of my mind I can deal with, even for the day. Adjustments come slow to me but they do come. Change is a frightening thing as it takes the "safe zone" out of whack for me. Anxieties will run high and lows will bounce around me like a pinball machine.
Those that deal with someone that is Bipolar daily or weekly i am sure have seen these very issues that I am talking about. You have seen the movements and the apprehensions in them. You have experienced their frustrations, not only at the changes, but at themselves. How angry we get and how stupid we feel because of HOW we Do react to changes. It is embarrassing and leaves us very exposed and vulnerable. Think about their reactions to change and I think you will understand what I am saying. This is a very real part of being Bipolar and it exists every single day in our lives.
Changes... a simple word? Not in any way. Always, Darrel

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