Thursday, February 25, 2010

Time... dictator to the world.

Time... it means so many things to people. Something that so many consider important, but for different reasons. It dictates our lives even if we don't want it to. We start our day by a clock that wakes us. We eat because it is "time" to eat. We sleep when it is that time too. Andddd, we love it when we have a day off so that we can set the alarm for much later and sleep in. Wait... "we?" Nope, that would not be me nor anyone that is bipolar or any other disorder of the mind.
How are we different? What sets us apart from the "norm?" My sleep habits are not dictated by an alarm clock. Sometimes, I wish it was. I start my day normally before the alarm has a chance to wake me. I eat when the mood strikes me and sometimes, if depressed or really having what I call a "Bipolar" day, the mood may not strike me at all. If not for others around me, I would for certain eat only every few days. I sleep when my mind allows me to sleep. That sleep is usually Very late at night, or early in the morning, however you choose to look at it. Sleep for me is a nap for most. Three hours feels like 8 and my body is rested. As for the mind, it never stops nor rests. Thoughts race through my head and wake me in the night. I flip over, I toss and I sit up, sometimes to light up a cig and take a few puffs.
Time has very little meaning to me. I think that most bipolar people are this way. I may not get the desire to begin a project until 3 a.m. and then I am ready to go. I may decide that 8 p.m. is a great time to do things outside. Not really unlike regular people, I think, I wish that there were 3 hours of dark and 21 hours of light. Dark is not a necessity for sleep for me. I can sleep virtually any time, any place, including stair steps. I do NOT recommend them for sleeping as waking suddenly, not realizing you are still on the steps can be a little dangerous and painful. I AM talking from experience on that one.
If it stayed light 21 hours a day, then this crazy, bipolar...{ooops, did I use the "C" word? ;)"}mind of mine could function on it's own time. I could stroll outside in the middle of the night and gather my thoughts. I could sit outside and write in my newest novel with the air outside touching my face, inspiring me to tell my readers how wonderful it felt. I could work in my garden at 2 a.m. and walk around the lake just because I needed to clear my head a little. Maybe I am not so unlike others. I don't know. I hate time telling me when I must do something. I hate the fact that I may suddenly need to go somewhere at the same time that I decided it was a good time to do something else. I hate that "life" sometimes gets in the way of "Living." Does that even make sense?
Give me a world that life happens because you created a reason for it to happen,. A world that you do things when they strike you and there is no time to start nor any time to end. Just a world that i can stop and smell the roses or sit down and cry a river and not have something staring me in the face. I function in "their" world because I truly must. I disconnect from the world more often than I care for the world to know. Only those that love me know when I have. At least Most of the time. I know my responsibilities and they do Not weigh me down. I love so many things that life gives to me and the blessings that fill my day and night. It truly is about time... a time dictated world that sometimes interferes with my need to unplug from it's chaos. A world that makes me so anxietic and leaves me feeling lost and a bit jerky and clicking... terms known to anyone that is or loves a bipolar person.
Time... something I am out of right now and wished I was not. I think today, I could write non stop and never ever empty this mind of mine. It is over flowing and I wished I knew what to do with it all. Wow!!!!!! "And that's all I am gonna say about that." Forrest Gump.............

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