Saturday, September 6, 2008

A little bit more about that word... Bipolar.

I sit here tonight, 2 a.m., wishing I could fall to sleep. I fear it will escape me once again and the prospect is both pleasing and tiring to me. Insomnia is no stranger to me. I have know it well for 20+ years. Why I suffer is perhaps for another write. Tonight it is because my mind is too busy pondering things. I am a writer. It is what I do, what I love... my passion. With that being said, I, like a million other writers want to be the best at what I do. I want my readers to always want more of me. What writer doesn't?
But tonight, I don't write about being a writer. I write about the one that writes and carries with him a little more baggage. With my desires and fears of writing, I carry the tag of a Bipolar. You know, that guy that starts 20 projects, but not because he has so much time that he needs 20 projects going. He starts 20 because he doesn't sometimes finish the others. That would be me. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that I have finished so many stories and even have several novels published.
Perhaps you live with it, know someone or... maybe you even are someone that shares this disorder with me. Maybe you know the guy that started 20 projects and 19 of them sit unfinished, scattered from one end of his home to another. Maybe I can shed a bit of light on this for you. It isn't that we didn't intend on finishing them. It isn't that we don't care if we do or don't. But with completion comes the opportunity to be judged. The chance to have someone evaluate what we have done and say "wow, it's great" or "man, you suck." Even simpler, kinder words meant only to help or point out a tiny flaw can send me into a LOW that will take weeks, maybe longer to come out of. Something innocently said that caused me to think on it, much longer than someone else would. Too long some would say.
I saw words tonight that were I suppose meant only to offer an idea to change something. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked it through my head for hours and simply could not shake it. Tears fell like someone had died. The sheer realization of how thinly clad my heart was made me sit and wonder how it is I even function some days. The fear of failing at anything isn't always the failure part. It is the embarrassment that hits my system so hard that I can barely think. Even as i sit and write this, I wonder if I should. Do I paint myself a freak or whiner or do I open eyes for others to see that they are not the only one in the world that does these things, feels this way?
Thinking that I may fail at something that I love or want so badly leaves me questioning everything around me. Things I know to be good for me and yet so afraid I will not be able to give it my all leaves me not following through at all.The things I have lost because I was so busy thinking I would fail that I didn't take the time to step up are too many to count. I only know that I lost them because of my fear of failing. Fear of disappointing someone. This is my life, the way I live each and every moment. This LOW is nothing new to me, but each time, I wonder where it will take me this time. Braver in leaving than in staying.
Tonight , I hurt inside. Tonight or is it this morning... it all runs together for me, I will sit up all night and think on one simple thing that my heart feels. Tonight I will be alone and I must ponder that too. Morning will be here before I know it...


Carrie saw Evel putting his helmet on. She knew she had very little time to slow him down. She had to buy them some time. She was Not leaving without Derek at her side.
"Mr. Knievel, wait!" she shouted. He stopped and removed his helmet.
"Well pretty lady, what are you doing back here? I am getting ready to start my run."
"oh I know that sir. I am with WKLT in Cincinnati, Ohio. I heard about your jump and wanted it on my talk show. You might have heard of me. I have the Carrie Ann show."
"Maybe I have heard that name, I am just not sure. I could give you a quick interview or just some publicity shots if you want. The crowd will wait for me."
"Thank you sir. I really just need some good photos of you and your bike. Then I will film you jumping. Sort of a before and after shoot." Carrie began filming Evel as he posed for her in different ways with his motorcycle.Grammie had been right... he was a Ham. She only hoped he was going to "ham" it up long enough for Derek to get back in time to pass through the rip with them.
He ran like a mad man through the traffic and people. The crowd had doubled and space was not a luxury afforded to him right now. He could hear the sirens of the cops all over town. He wondered if they had found the cop yet. He hadn't meant to hurt the man. He felt terrible about the way things went down.The cop had left him no options. A beat cop spotted him running and Gerek could see him talking on his walkie-talkie. He looked up at Derek for a moment then shook his head in an affirmative way. Derek knew the cop recognized he was the man they were all looking for. Derek began to run faster. The cop was now giving chase and he knew his time was all but gone.
Derek reached the back of the Palace. It was the one place that from where he enter the Palace, he could not be seen by any cop. He slipped inside and ran directly into Carrie, who was busy filming Evel. she dropped the camera when she saw Derek. "Oh thank God you made it back here, Love. We only have minutes left before the jump and we ..."
Derek interrupted Carrie. "Does Grammie have the clock!? Please tell me she does!"
Hey there little lady. You dropped the camera. Are we finished with pictures?"
"Yes, I am sorry sir. I should have said something to..." she felt Derek pull on her sleeve.
"If we are to get where we are going, the time is Now, Carrie. We have got to get to Nina and that clock!"
"Don't forget to get shot of me coming down the ramp on the other side."
"No I won't Mr. Knievel," she called to him as Derek pulled her along with him.
Nina saw them coming and squealed with delight. "There they are Grammie. They are coming this way!!!"
"Yes dear one, I see them." Grammie unfolded the blanket she had the clock wrapped in. She set it on a small table beside the ramp. Derek and Carrie reached them and both hugged Nina. "You haven't much time now. It takes 45 seconds for Mr. Knievel to make the jump. He will rip the Fabric at 35 seconds and 10 seconds for the Fabric to tear down far enough for Nina to reach it. You will take hold of it and drag it with you. No one else will see the Fabric. As soon as you are all through and the Fabric touches the other part, it will be sealed. Now go, he is starting to rev his bike."
Grammie stuck something in Nina's pocket. They each hugged Grammie and then she stepped back away from them. Carrie clutched the clock tight as they stepped as close to the ramp as they dared.
"I love you Nina so much. And I do so love you, My Derek. No matter what happens or what we find on the other side, don't you forget that." Derek kissed her once more just as Evel Knievel was coming up to the top of the ramp. The bike left the ramp and sailed through the air. Suddenly, as if the back of the bike had snagged on something, the front fell forward. The bike and Evel plummeted towards the ground. Nina watched as the Fabric ripped and floated downward towards her. A commotion ensued behind them that caused them all to turn around.
"Stop that man. He is under arrest for assault and breaking and entering!" The cops raced towards them and panic filled their souls. "I will shoot if you don't step away now!" The cop raised his revolver and took aim at Derek.
"Nina, pay attention! Grab the Fabric now!"
"Nina looked at her father and then at the Fabric falling around her. She grabbed the Fabric as Carrie was going through the rip. A huge light shown through where the Fabric had once been whole. Derek took Nina's free hand and as the alarm sound on the clock, Evel Knievel hit the ground and the Fabric came loose from his bike. Bouncing like a rag doll, the last thing he saw before passing out was Nina being pulled into some light by a man.
A shot rang out as the cop fired once at Derek. Derek winced in pain but never lost his grip on Nina. They fell the air until they hit solid ground. Nina layed on her back, watching the Fabric reseal itself. The sounds of the people screaming in the Palace were now gone. The familiarity of her home, the warmth, the smells all flooded her senses.
"We are home again. Daddy, Mommy... we made it back." Nina looked around and saw her father, laying in his own blood on the floor. Her mother was just standing up as Nina called out to him. "Daddy, daddy... talk to me please. Tell me you are alright. Oh God, please."
Carrie Ann rushed over to him and lifted his head onto her lap. "Derek, baby, talk to me please. Don't you dare die now on us. We made it back before I had fallen. Please..."
Derek stirred in her arms. He opened his eyes and smile a faint smile. I do not recommend the Caesar's Palace. They have crazy cops that shoot people."
"Are you hurt bad, Daddy?" Nina hugged him tightly.
"No baby, just a flesh wound. Daddy will be alright. I love you both so much. Never again am I losing either of you.
Nina felt something in her pocket. She reached in and took out a piece of paper. She opened it and as she read it, she began to softly cry.
Dearest ones, always remember me when you hear the clock. I will always remember your beautiful family. We will meet again in your future... But that my dear ones, readers and all................. Is another story. I hope you all enjoyed. Always, Darrel

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